but do they julienne

what's the deal with the new jennifer garner movie? is she fighting people with steak knives? they have guns, and she has steak knives? seems... odd. unless they're those knives that can cut a soup can in half. those are super.

i've taken probably too much xanax and will be sleeping a deep sleep soon, and for a while. i have nothing to eat in my apartment so i had little recourse. i'll always opt for sleep over hunger. or sleep over anything.

so i'm going to go make love to my favorite recliner and watch my new dvd of garden state, which, if you haven't seen it, is just as super as knives that cut cans.

i ordered some other dvd's today (t'was a spend-happy day) including but not limited to: evil dead 2, a clockwork orange, dr. strangelove (yes, both kubrick films), and da ali g show season 1.

reminder: in protest of the bush inauguration festivities this week, make sure not to buy anything on thursday, january 20. economic boycott - it's a national thing, look it up. spread the word. fight the power. eat your vegetables.

orafice space day

really i wanted to be milton, in the worst way. and did you see how fucking funny that picture of lumbergh is? woot. office space day founded by bunny, as far as i know.


Pre-Hyptnotized Peter

---

off-office topic...

my blogger template is really plain. i don't have the advanced skills to add the happy graphics and backgrounds and bells and whistles. and jimmy crack corn. i don't regularly visit the blogs i visit because of the pictures and graphics, i do it for the content.

but how much does a blog's design affect it's enjoyability for the non-authors? i'm not talking about ease-of-use (even though i have written off some blogs because of it), just the oft-extemporaneous decorative stuff.

if it's a really big deal i'd consider doing something about my blogger-plain-and-tall. personally all i want from a blog is an easy-to-read font and at least a modecum of creativity put into what's written. substance over style.

god this post is boring. i should punch myself. again.

thick eight?

internets pornography is great. tony-the-tiger grrrrreat. it's a daily sacrament of mine to peruse the free clips, saving what i feel is pertinent to my hard drive. i don't think i'm alone; i could be wrong (no i couldn't - the porn industry is huge). everyone knows that everyone looks at porn at least semi-regularly, and i'm not special.

here's the rub (pun intended). i've heard (and believe) women (who) complain about airbrushed, waifish models in magazines and the unrealistic goals they set for female readers (and males too - how are we supposed to get dates with those types? fuck.). but how about the dudes in pornos with the mutant genitals? how do they make the average man feel by comparison? i refuse to believe that the median size of a penis is comparable to a police baton. call it denial, but i'm only trying to be realistic.

i am perfectly content with my own mr. monkey, and he is perfectly content with mr. lefthand. and while i will continue to enjoy erotic copulative acts (i call it "art") on the internets, i must constantly remember in the back of my mind that an almost inverse relationship exists between published media and reality.

this is not my way of saying i have a small penis. if my penis was small i'd be a republican with a big truck, lots of guns, and a belt buckle the size of a hubcap. i'd probably also be homophobic and gay.

i just want to see a more accurate depiction of life in media, even in an online triple-x throwdown.

goddamned pink!

this is a warning to the bloggers whose blogs i read (if you know who you are). if i read any vignettes about how wonderful of a valentine's day you and your other will have/have had, you are dead_to_me.

if you're in love, and happy and you know it, then that's great. bully for you. but what good does it do to proclaim it to the world except to make yourself feel better by making everyone else feel worse? which, consciously or otherwise, is all it does. it's bragging in its simplest form. the only kind of love i want to hear about is the kind that produces slappity-whappity noises.

i passed the v-day aisle at the store and am now giving serious thought to buying one of those giant teddy bears holding a red heart, ripping off the head and mounting it on a giant pole in front of my house as a warning to all those who may approach.

"ohhhh... wonder why you're single phizz?" no, i don't. the people who think me deranged for mounting a stuffed bear's head on a pig pole aren't the kind i'd like to hang around with anyway. call it a screening process.

and if you're that "in love" then why only celebrate it one day a year? don't you see that it's just a made-up holiday whose sole purpose is to guilt your boyfriend or girlfriend or nongirlfriend/boyfriend or inflatable girlfriend into buying unnecessary garbage? didn't we spend enough in december? am i wrong?

coincidentally i also saw an aisle full of mardi gras tchotchkes, after which i had to make a bee-line for the alcohol aisle. you'd think they'd put the two closer together.

boycott!!!!!

a blogger boycott of v-day - everyone pledge not to participate in the feb. 14 rituals, both by not writing about it nor buying anything v-day-related. no flowers or candy or stuffed animals or cards or even anything red or pink. if you have a bf/gf, then talk it over with them - they should understand. and if they don't then you should dump them, kill them, and bury them at sea.

spread the word!!!

i am raging against the commercialism and exploitation of love. fuck you hallmark! eat me russell stovers!

stage world

hey is a world where brad and jen aren't married a world we really want to live in?

at work i hate who i have to be. i talk and behave in a certain way that i really despise. i hear myself saying things like "how 'bout that" and other colloquialisms that are very uncharacteristic of me.

it's not being true to oneself, but if it means you have a job does that make it acceptable? the boss has a big deer head trophy in his office and isn't abashed at calling blacks "n-words", and i don't say anything contradictory because i like the job.

which furthers the importance of this whole big blog experiment - where i can be who i actually am and not fear reprisal. in the blog world i don't wear pants or shirts with buttons or put up with racist bull cookieness, and i can call republicans ball-lickers, because they are. and on the phone i don't have to act like joe whiteman with a wife and three kids and a dog named connor who prays before eating.

the plague

january has been such a vapid emotional wasteland. i'm not happy or sad, the weather isn't hot or cold or sunny or cloudy or rainy or dry, and sometimes i'm not sure if i'm awake or asleep. like now, for instance. i went out friday night, but i don't know if i had a good time or bad. i think i saw a mouse in my house the other day, and maybe i don't care. my apartment isn't dirty, but not exactly clean. today is sunday - the no-man's-land day of the week. and i don't know if i want to write or not. so blame january.

done with dems

as much as i want to i can't really be mad at john kerry. even though he conceded prematurely and skipped town when he should have been here (for the electoral vote count, he was in iraq) and ran a god-awful campaign and lost against a man who the majority of the country thinks is doing a bad job, i have to remember that he has dedicated his life to public service and risked his life in a time of war.

bud damn dude. can you roll over ANY more?

i'm done with the democratic party. all of this moving-to-the-right bullshit about trying to appeal to religiosos is fucking weak. move further to the left and get some fucking chutzpah.

people respect leadership and conviction, even when you're obviously wrong (george) and/or they disagree with you. trying to please everyone in this country means you please noone.

so i am an official independent. how sad is that - as much as i dislike republicans (and i REALLY dislike republicans. i can't use the word "hate" because i'm liberal and we don't hate anyone) i just cannot align myself with their opposing party.

it's completely metaphoric for the 2004 election; as much as people disliked bush they just couldn't bring themselves to vote for kerry.

anyway, that's that.

my new year's rockin' eve

i am happy that the holiday season is over. that period starting the day before thanksgiving and ending on january 2 is grueling. i'm sick of all things red and green, and frankly sick of reading and writing posts about the season.

that having been said, here's how my new year's eve went.

two friends and i get room at hotel acadiana, drink for a while, go downtown. sitting at a table in a bar chatting with three girls we didn't know (i still don't - me no remember. developing pictures). midnight - anonymous blonde girl who i'm talking to sticks tongue in my mouth. god bless sluts.

drink more, go back to hotel room circa 2:30, drink more, shmooze with some people who came back with us, sleep.

and now it's diet time. but i'm not going to "diet" so much as go on a "hunger strike" to protest holiday weight gain.

free alcohol = not... good...

new year's eve or not, if a bar is giving away free champagne it's never a great idea to drink myriad amounts of it. i should know better anyway - never my poison of choice. good times nonetheless.

i hate fireworks. except the kind i make daily in the shower. seriously, hangovers and loud noises are not complimentary. jackass neighbors. you were supposed to waste those things last night fucktards.

not-so-great expectations

obviously i'm getting drunk tonight. i'm going to try to get piss-drunk, which will be hard because i have a pretty high tolerance - i am not a "cheap drunk", sorry gals. i would love my first memory of the new year to be bending over a toilet in some shitty bathroom (perhaps the worst in scotland?) in a bar.

i'm setting my expectations for '05 very low. i was optimistic about '04 and it was... let's say, not good. the american way - if you set your standards low enough you'll always be pleasantly surprised.

personal goals for 2005:

• develop an immunity to glow stick juice to freak people out at parties
• get invited to a party
• get cats
• develop type 2 diabetes
• convince my boss to let me pierce my ears
• get married and divorced in wyoming
• have a restraining order filed against me by maggie gyllenhaal
• same, zooey deschanel
• see jerry seinfeld live (coming to lafayette in april)
• paint my apartment a dark color (illusion of space)
• actually have an enjoyable, incident-free mardi gras
• teach myself guitar, get band, get groupies, get sexed up
• drink more coffee
• eat out more often
• eat at restaurants more often
• visit new york city
• stop exercising so much, gain weight, develop heart problems
• publish a series of my own self-help books
• eat more cake
• avoid at all costs the next star wars movie
• cut back on all the blasphemy (sike!)

auld lang syne perverts.

phizz thoughts on 2004

sucked donkey balls for the world, was pretty good for me. trying to remember what my goals for the year were, i think just to get a job and a place in the city. and i did both of those, so rah rah. but, as is the nature of the beast, i am not content at all. but i'll address future goals tomorrow maybe.

when i think back to 2004 i'll remember foremost the election and how pissed off i was about politics. i've never been this involved or attentive, but i don't think it has ever been this outrageous and overtly scandalous in my lifetime.

it's really hard to say what you'll remember about a certain year right when it's ending. you need some time to gain perspective. the tsunami will definitely be remembered, but i don't think the magnitude and reality of the whole thing will sink in for a while.

how about the return of jesus? he certainly came back with a vengeance didn't he. and it turns out he hates gays and black voters and choice and change and human rights. we'll have to preface all future references to 2004 with "in the year of our lord..."

pop culture items i want to forget from this year:

• the creature known as paris hilton
• more mind-numbing television reality garbage
• lip-syncing pod people trying to pass themselves off as "artists"
• homo-erotic history-based blockbuster movies
• the rolling stone "greatest 500 songs" list - wrong on so many levels
• the brian wilson album
• anything related to television media and major "news" networks
• was the janet jackson boobie thing this year? i'm remembering that one.
• hearing oprah ask "what exactly does 'tossing a salad' mean"

and the war, my deity, the war. what can i say that hasn't already been said.

but hoo-rah for the blogosphere, a constant source of entertainment and therapy. thanks blog people - jesus loves you so deal with it.

a sea of troubles

i'm disturbed by the fact that we've promised $35 million in aid to the countries affected by the tsunami and are spending $40 million on bush's upcoming inauguration party. just how much beef are they serving? i'm making a prediction that he's going to wear some sort of headpiece. maybe a crown. maybe a crown of thorns.

the death toll is climbing higher, and it is totally tragic. it doesn't seem like anyone realizes that about the same number of civilian iraqis have died since we "saved" them from saddam (international red cross estimate). it's tantamount to our government actually causing a similar tsunami in the middle east. who wants to hear about that though.

(fake) things about me

this is lame. but i didn't do it normally - i lied. i'd be happy to give credit to someone's blog, but i've seen it about ten different times and wouldn't know who to list. just browse the blogroll. again, lied:

three names you go by:
1. no means no
2. fluffy
3. get out

three screen names you have:
1. phizz
2. deadgayson
3. loveitwhenyoucallmebigpoppa

three things you like about yourself:
1. self-deprecation hobby
2. conceitedness
3. ether addiction

three things you dislike about yourself:
1. oversized penis
2. out-dated wardrobe (skidz)
3. inability to love

three parts of your heritage:
1. french
2. mohican
3. hobbit

three things that scare you:
1. republicans
2. crustaceans
3. overstock.com lady

three of your everyday essentials:
1. sharp things
2. pine sol
3. porn (ography)

three things you are wearing right now:
1. a cowboy boot
2. batman mask
3. hospital i.d. bracelet

three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. sexual intercourse
2. duck meat
3. riding a dog

three things you want in a relationship:
1. big left boobie
2. vuhgina
3. don't talk so much

two truths and a lie:
1. evolution
2. i will die alone
3. creationism

three things you just can't do:
1. get my groove back
2. drink jagermeister
3. watch network television

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. macaroni pictures
2. anonymous and random drunk-dialing
3. giving vodka bottles filled with water to bums

three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. eat an entire wedding cake
2. fuck a bagel
3. let the dogs out

three careers you're considering:
1. sperm doner
2. elementary school teacher
3. methamphetamine dealer

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. magical mystery tour
2. spring break when i'm sixty
3. scarborough fair

three kids names:
1. fred
2. hashbrown
3. super mario

three things you want to do before you die:
1. date an asian girl
2. have a disease named after me
3. put my seed in someone's belly

christfest inventory

i'm at work right now and it sucks big fat santa dick. i want to be home eating m&m's or some other chocolate fare. cake! i want cake. i wish marie antoinette was my boss.

so, for x-mas. i got the seinfeld dvd's (will probably sell and get different dvd's), apartment stuffs - new shower head, back scrubber, better shower curtain (trying to tell me something mom and dad?). the biggie was a huge check from my parents - i guess they gave up on what to get me, despite me saying "guitar" over and over for months - and a check from my nan-nan. also got a gift card to devil wal-mart and a gift credit on half.com.

it would have been difficult/impossible to bring a guitar back with me on the plane anyway. easier to just buy one here, which i will do forthright.

everyone? good festivus?

good golly holly jolly

the eve prior to christmas day. i take actual pleasure in thinking about children around the world (or at least our blessed western hemisphere - not those godless heretics from the east, mid-east, and far east) trying desperately and futilely to go to sleep.

remember when you were little how magical the anticipation of christmas morning was? it's still magical now, but only because i smoked a jay in ine freezing cold and wind on my parent's deck after they went to bed ;o) smoke your marijuanica.

if i don't get a guitar tomorrow i will be mildly disappointed - i can't be utterly disappointed because that would make me a materialistic dickhole.

but, my goal in 2005 is to become a guitar aficionado and be in a band. how great would it be to have a cult following? what's better than that? nuthin'.

merry christmas shiny happy bloggy people. next year in jerusalem!

laura bush's cowboy cookie recipe

sinces i'm in texas, i will share with you all laura bush's recipe for cowboy cookies.

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 C. all-purpose flour
• 1 T. baking powder
• 1 T. baking soda (just scoop out from the box in the back of the fridge used to absorb odors - no one will know!)
• 3 tins Skoal Long Cut Mint chewing tobacco
• 1 T. artificial hickory smoke flavor
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 1/2 C. animal lard (at room temperature)
• 1 1/2 C. Sweet'N Low sweetener
• 1 1/2 C. caramelized Equal® sweetener
• 3 eggs
• 1 T. vanillin extract
• 3 C. semisweet chocolate chips
• 2 C. sawdust
• 2 T spittle (no phlegm)

PREPARATION:

• Preheat oven to 350ºF.
• Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, chewing tobacco and salt in bowl.
• In 8-quart bowl, beat butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy, 1 minute.
• Gradually beat in artificial sweeteners; beat to combine, 2 minutes.
• Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each. Beat in artifical vanilla extract.
• Stir in flour mixture until just combined. Add chocolate chips and sawdust.
• NOTE: The batter may be a bit dry at this point. Drink some milk and spit into the bowl until the mix is moist, but not runny.
• For each cookie, drop 1/4 cup dough onto heavily greased baking sheets, spacing 3 inches apart.
• Bake for 17 to 29 minutes, until edges are lightly browned; rotate sheets halfway through.
• Remove cookies from rack to cool. Makes about 3 dozen cookies.

wake up white people!

who wants more evidence that retro is IN in america? evangelical and christian progress is hot hot hot! i am impassioned with the spirit of the lawd! the power of christ compels me!

in north carolina there's this pamphlet that is being used to teach history at a school (named the cary christian school) that says slavery was not such a bad thing.

full article here - great stuff

some excerpts from "Southern Slavery, As It Was":

"To say the least, it is strange that the thing the Bible condemns(slave-trading) brings very little opprobrium upon the North, yet that which the Bible allows (slave-ownership) has brought down all manner of condemnation upon the South." (Page 22)

"As we have already mentioned, the 'peculiar institution' of slavery was not perfect or sinless, but the reality was a far cry from the horrific descriptions given to us in modern histories." (Page 22)

"Slavery as it existed in the South was not an adversarial relationship with pervasive racial animosity. Because of its dominantly patriarchal character, it was a relationship based upon mutual affection and confidence." (Page 24)

"There has never been a multi-racial society which has existed with such mutual intimacy and harmony in the history of the world." (Page 24)

"Slave life was to them a life of plenty, of simple pleasures, of food, clothes, and good medical care." (Page 25)

"But many Southern blacks supported the South because of long established bonds of affection and trust that had been forged over generations with their white masters and friends." (Page 27)

"Nearly every slave in the South enjoyed a higher standard of living than the poor whites of the South and had a much easier existence." (Page 30)

so should we revisit the holocaust too? maybe poland wasn't so bad for jews in the 1940's? there was free lodging, diet plans, plenty of work, no worry about where your next paycheck was coming from, uniform health care...

damn the whiney liberals of this country that lambaste slavery as a dark period in human history! next thing you know they'll be bad-mouthing the spanish inquisition, rwandan genocide, cambodian ethnic cleansing ("year zero"), american mistreatment of prisoners and war crimes...

although that last one won't be realized until a decade or so from now...

come on y'all! wake up white people! christmas is under attack! muslims don't celebrate christmas? well they're being bad christians! values! values! nine-eleven! nine-eleven!

album of the jour: liars they were wrong so we drowned

a very weird (interesting) album, even for me. it may grow on me.

i've got corn

in the cab on the way to work this morning the driver was listening to a country music station. there was a tim mcgraw song on (i only know because the dj said it was tim mcgraw). the song was very bad.

do people listen to these songs and imagine their perfect, sunny lives on a farm? a cab driver doesn't exactly go home to his perfect wife and cows and amber waves right? this neo-cowboy mythos - which nowadays i think is just fantasy - really perplexes me.

how many people actually farm for a living these days? isn't it mostly big agriculture businesses now? and how the fuck does tim mcgraw, who i'm sure has never smelled cow plop in his life, get away with singing about and romanticizing life on the farm? doesn't he live in some sort of mansion?

i guess the same way our president can get away with wearing a flight suit on an aircraft carrier. "oxymoron" seems a layered term.

album of the jour: turin brakes ether song

favorite albums 2003

2003 favorites, posthumously. i'm done with my favorites of 2004, just waiting around to post.

it's tough doing this a year later. if you know of any that maybe should be on here that i've forgotten, by all means let me know. if it's worthy it will be inserted in the list. if it sucks it will be inserted in your anus. as always, i'll change the list if/when i want:

1. the new pornographers - electric version
2. idlewild - remote part
3. francine - 28 plastic blue versions of endings without you
4. pretty girls make graves - the new romance
5. the shins - chutes too narrow
6. super furry animals - phantom power
7. the rapture - echoes
8. the dandy warhols - welcome to the monkey house
9. goldfrapp - black cherry
10. pete yorn - day i forgot
11. the sounds - living in america
12. the stills - logic will break your heart
13. travis - 12 memories
14. sam roberts - we were born in a flame
15. cave in - antennae
16. medicine - the mechanical forces of love
17. the strokes - room on fire
18. rainer maria - long knives drawn
19. brassy - gettin' wise
20. the hong kong - rock the faces
21. loveless - gift to the world
22. the like young - art contest
23. black rebel motorcycle club - take them on, on your own
24. metric - old world underground, where are you now
25. radiohead - hail to the thief
26. chicklet - indian summer
27. johnny marr and the healers - boomslang
28. dressy bessy - dressy bessy
29. broken social scene - you forget it in people
30. yeah yeah yeahs - fever to tell
31. the caesars - 39 minutes of bliss
32. fonda - catching up to the future
33. raveonettes - chain gang of love
34. junior senior - d-d-don't stop the beat
35. the notwist - neon golden
36. singapore sling - the curse of singapore sling
37. burnside project - the networks, the circuits, the streams, the harmonies
38. throwing muses - throwing muses
39. cat power - you are free
40. elefant - sunlight makes me paranoid
41. lost in translation soundtrack
42. stars - heart
43. basement jaxx - kish kash
44. paloalto - heroes & villains
45. four tet - rounds
46. all girl summer fun band - 2
47. saturday looks good to me - all your summer songs
48. sense field - living outside
49. fat truckers - fat truckers
50. the postal service - give up

honorable meantion:

the damnwells - bastards of the beat; enon - hocus pocus; long winters - when i pretend to fall; the sea and cake - one bedroom; moloko - statues; m83 - dead cities, read seas & lost ghosts; the unicorns - who will cut our hair when we're gone; damnwells - bastards of the beat; pinback - offcell (ep); my favorite - happiest days of our lives; eisley - marvelous things (ep); fountains of wayne - welcome interstate managers; the fitness - call me for tomorrow; godstar - before & after coastal; chicks on speed - 99 cents; the fiery furnaces - gallowsbird's bark; kenna - new sacred cow; whirlaway - pompano; liz phair - liz phair; ladytron - softcore jukebox; stellastarr - stellastarr; jane's addiction - strays; the essex green - the long goodbye; holly golightly - truly she is no other

drunken brawl drawl

last night fun. did the usual start-drinking-at-five-until-tmie-to-go-out-at-midnight thing. took in a bar fight at a bar we usually don't go to. people fighting in bars make me laugh. got more drunk, came home after closing time, sat around drinking and watching movies until five or six in the a.m.

my downstairs neighbor was blasting country music at 3 in what i think was protest for my music and goings-on. she knows i don't like country, so i think she was just being childish and spiteful. just ask me to turn it down if it's too loud? right?

it's not as if your people aren't parking in my parking space all the time. even though i don't drive, it's the principle of the thing. when you assume you make an ass of u and etcetera.

so slept all day. just woke up a bit ago. around seven-ish. waiting for food to be delivered. it ain't rape if you know her.

blinded me with science!

this morning i had an eye checkup appointment. my pupils are dilated like kelly ripa's vagina. funny enough, they put me in a waiting room called "the dilating room" where you wait for the eyedrops to take effect. in the room are several stacks of magazines to read. if you've ever had your pupils dilated, you know that it's impossible to see anything closer than a foot from your face.

no thinking ahead on the magazines-in-the-dilating-room plan i guess.

so now i can't see shit. i can't edit this post, for a few hours anyway. so you get phizz - raw, and uncut. (what i'm jewish now?). speaking of which, the doctor i saw was from israel. very weird guy.

album of the jour: joanna newsom the milk-eyed mender

i don't really like this album. her voice scares the shit out of me. i'm making it my album of the day because it's good, and my fear of joanna newsom and her harp shouldn't stop others from giving it a listen.

random picture and fake bomb

everyone puts quizzes up on their blogs when they don't have anything to write, or are lazy, or whatever. i don't knock it - i have such days. instead of doing that though, i'm just going to post random pictures. maybe funny, maybe gross, maybe nekkid.

plus i think my blog has been a little too clean lately. we're amidst a culture war you know - we have to rage against the evangelical machine. so today, for the religiosos:



the best exercise for the soul is getting down on one's knees.

this is an interesting tidbit from the cnn.com tabloid:

NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- Baggage screeners at Newark Liberty nternational Airport spotted -- and then lost -- a fake bomb planted in luggage by a supervisor during a training exercise.

(continues...)

not sure what to say about that. i guess it's good that they decided to use a fake for the test instead of a real bomb?

when i flew to texas for xgiving i walked right past security with a styrofoam coffee cup of bourbon (i hate airports). i'm a big advocate of being able to have liquor on flights and all, but isn't it something of a fire hazard?

album of the jour: the unicorns who will cut our hair when we're gone?

x-mas gifts '04

inappropriate gift ideas for the family:

• for mom and dad - kama sutra: a tale of love (a love of tail?)
• for navy pilot brother - modern marvels: plane crashes dvd
• for 90-year-old grandma - sex pistols boxed set, condoms
• for republican uncle - soundtrack: queer eye for the straight guy, middle finger
• for church-goer aunt - the da vinci code, abortion gift card, condoms
• for diabetic little cousin - pixie stix; sit back, watch the fun

any other ideas? must be inappropriate and awkward.

shwag i'd like to get for x-mas but will probably only end up giving to others and/or buying myself later:

• strangers with candy seasons 1 and 2 (i own, season 1 better)
• elf - more for the family, but funny
• arrested development season 1
• half.com gift certificate (best media prices)
• escort service gift certificate(s)... that would be super.
• da ali g show season 1
• flavored condoms - great stocking stuffer (ha), try a flavor besides "nasty latex"
• magazine subscriptions - get someone a subscription of what you think they should be reading, not what they want to read
• tylenol p.m. maximum strength, lots of it
• air america radio thong

album of the jour: television personalities privilege

murph has a great post on his blog from yesterday. trackbackworthy.

normally i think quizzes are useless, but this one was fun and interesting. nods to kymmie.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

bizarro phizz

inspired by this - the scariest thing i've. ever. seen.

clay aiken is bizarro phizz. he is the complete opposite of everything i am and/or try to be. i don't wear pastels. i can't sing. if i could sing there would be no chance i would ever subject myself to the american idol trials. and didn't he only come in second? i pride myself on never having seen an episode.

other ways i am the opposite of clay aiken:

• i like sex with girls
• i don't wear sweaters
• my christmas special would never be on nbc
• i would have taken out reuben's kneecaps way before the finals ( jeff gillooly where are you?)
• i don't speak with a southern drawl
• i don't find cabbage patch kids sexually arousing
• i can grow facial hair
• my penis exists

album of the jour: chicklet indian summer

post written while drunk

i got home early saturday morning and apparently wrote this without publishing it. i barely remember writing it. it's embarrassing, but what the eff. i did some editing, but mostly spelling stuff:

if i suddenly had a biological urge to procreate, and thereby needed to find a vessel to facilitate this (how romantic), where do you meet people?

bars - if i talk to a girl at a bar it's because:

a) i'm drunk
b) i'm horny
c) i want to find true love
d) a and b, never c

it's ironic - in the environment where meeting people is easy (thank you seagram's) chances are you're not going to meet anyone you would want to be with for any extended period of time.

but aren't there girls who go out who have the same mentality? so that everyone accepts the fact that they'll never meet a quality person at a bar, and therefore noone is ever even looking?

so i should start looking? but my screening process isn't reliable when drinking. next thing i know i'm chewing off my own arm.

and no i cannot, nor do i know how anyone could, be in a bar and not drink. it's about the most annoying environment imaginable (strobe lights? smoke? noise? people?). how could you possibly stand it sans the influence.

god save the queens

if someone would only put this play on in branson i swear i would soil myself. this (short article) is from cnn.com. you can really find some of the best stuff on there - it's like reading the enquirer. just as credible in my book.

Call to prosecute over 'gay Jesus'

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A group of Christian protesters in Scotland has called on police to prosecute a theater company for blasphemy because it is putting on a play about a gay Jesus.

"If there is a blasphemy like this, Christians have to stand up," said Stephen Green of Christian Voice who protested outside a theatre showing Terence McNally's controversial play "Corpus Christi" at St Andrews University.

"Jesus Christ is being portrayed here as a foul-mouthed, drunken, promiscuous homosexual and that is an insult to my faith," Green told BBC Radio. But the play's director, Zsuzsi Lyndsay, defended the production:

"He is not portrayed as a drunken foulmouth. He doesn't say one bad word throughout the play."

Christian Voice was not placated. It has formally lodged a complaint with police, arguing that the American playwright's work was blasphemous. No decision has been taken yet.

i love that the director's comeback to the accusation that jesus is a drunken, foul-mouthed, promiscuous homosexual is "he doesn't curse". hilarious.

think about the protests that happened at movie theaters when dogma came out (kevin smith). imagine the controversy that would happen in america if a play about a gay jesus was being put on somewhere.

i would buy popcorn and a ticket and just sit outside watching church marms try to save souls. i would do it.

album of the jour: the arcade fire funeral

phone rings...

me: -my company- this is -my name-
caller: -boss's name- please.
me: may i ask who's speaking?
caller: guidry.
me: i'm sorry?
caller: guidry.
me: okay... guidry... hang on one sec.

is that normal? who am i speaking with - guidry? is it that hard to give your full name?

fuck!

hey guidry, it's going to be alot more difficult to say your name when you're sucking my dick with no teeth isn't it? think about that you retarded, fatherfucking, louisiana-public-school-administrating braying jackass crap-nut.

allah i hate people.

yeah, back at work.

album of the jour: the go! team thunder, lightning, strike

@ home

today i remain home, sucking down tea and tylenol p.m. pretty much everything i buy over-the-counter is "p.m." me likey sleepy. the doctor yesterday gave me some anti-b's and a cortizone shot. i probably feel well enough to go to work. but nah. why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

i'm working on my "favorite albums of 2004" list. it ain't easy. i was trying to limit myself to 25 but it's looking more like 50. lotsa good new stuff. or maybe my criteria are too low.

psshh, as if. i'm phizz.

album of the jour: the essex green the long goodbye

down with the sickness

my head feels like a big bowl of steaming dog plop. everything seems to be happening in slow motion. my throat is killing me. i refuse to answer the phone, which really has very little to do with the illness. more to do with my aversion to customers and clients. life would be great without customers and clients.

i'm going to see a doctor this afternoon for antibiotics (drugs or bust). i don't like waiting rooms, but i like leaving work early. who cares. reh reh rah.

this is a pretty entertaining story. the crux: a cargo plane with the phrase "Eelect George W. Bush" on it crashed into a lake in florida. yes, they spelled "elect" with two e's intentionally. and the plane crashed. in florida.

metaphors... overwhelming... meager... brain...

i read my post from december 7 of last year, and 2003 phizz made 2004 phizz laugh.

album of the jour: the spinanes manos

christian cola

jesus h to the c. check out the forward i just got:

Don't buy Pepsi in the new can. Pepsi has a new "patriotic" can coming out with pictures of the Empire State Building, and the Pledge of Allegiance on them. However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge, "Under God." Pepsi said they didn't want to offend anyone. In that case, we don't want to offend anyone at the Pepsi Corporate Office, either. So, if we don't buy any Pepsi product, they will not be offended when they don't receive our money that has the words "In God We Trust" on it.

HOW FAST CAN YOU FORWARD THIS ONE?

i forwarded it very fast to my recycle bin. regardless of the fact that useless forwards are evil and only serve to label the sender a dumbfuck, i think i'm going to start buying pepsi. i don't drink soda, except diet rite, but i will now buy pepsi.

if "under god" were replaced by "under allah" or "under satan" or "under on-star" (my god), would anyone mind? maybe?

i like the idea of replacing "one nation, under god" with "one nation, under canada".

why not just come up with a soda called "jesus cola". the slogan would be "what would jesus drink?". it would taste heavenly, or immaculate. we could hire priests at the production facility to bless every can. vending machines in church!

the different varieties would come out. diet jesus, caffeine-free jesus, jesus with lemon, vanilla jesus... marketing would make us roll out "new jesus", which noone will like. we then revert back to "jesus classic".

and then we could make cocktails with it! imagine drinking a rum and jesus, or a crown and jesus. it would be super.

disclaimer: i am not making fun of jesus or god, whatever she/he/it is or may be. i only deride the insanely sensitive followers thereof who deem it necessary to try to change popular culture so that they never see signs of different beliefs because theirs are that fragile. they suck.

album of the jour: holly golightly serial girlfriend

have a good one

greek food last night was awesome. it always is.

i'm about to go take a shower and primp and tease myself in preparation for the "club scene" tonight.

don't we all need some glossy debauchery this weekend?

fight for it freaks!!!

the place i'm going to is not my favorite. it's got five bars in it really, all themed to "80's" music or "70's music" 0r "raver" bullshit or something. the clientele is a little younger than i would like, but whatever. legal is legal.

see you all in jail.

interpersonal neuroses and lesbians

on television over the xgiving holiday i saw an evanescence video on mtv2. amy lee (singer) is really a striking (super) lady. one that i would definitely go for given the opportunity. then i wonderd, is she gay?

when i look at a good-looking girl, on tv or in real life, there's a subconscious part of me that goes into panic mode. am i good enough? would she go for me? i should be careful what i say around her. make a good impression. don't be stupid. be cool. who's that guy? is he better than me? does she like him? dammit!

it's a matter of sexual tension. and i don't think i'm alone here; everyone's interpersonal behavior is altered, in some way and to some degree, by attraction and the possiblity of sex. it's the pressure to perform and impress.

consequently my relations with the opposite sex (of which there have been a scant few) have been jilted.

but this is why i love lesbians. take that pressure out of a raltioship and it's a glorious thing. you can be yourself, which you (or at least i) can't do consciously. there's no need to impress, no competition, no worry about whether they're attracted to you or not. it's good.

if i could be asexual i'd be a much happier person. and not morrisey-style asexual. discovery-channel asexual.

*off-topic postscript: it's been a very bad week for depravity, with the government allocating billions to fund abstinence eductaion while cutting world aids funding. in general it's been a huge wave or religious self-righteousness this week.

so i say everyone should go out and do some viceral, carnal sinning this weekend. be creative. sin! sin!

album of the jour: luna lunapark

x-mas duck and cover

argh, x-mas. it's coming. i feel like it's the onset of hurricane season and i live in haiti.

i'm doing all my shopping online. i refuse to bow down to the gods of commercial swarming and seasonal traffic. fuck you mall!

stop looking at me swan!

do made-for-tv x-mas movies (usually sponsored by hallmark) depress anyone else? what kind of person is entertained by watching danny bonaduce and kirk cameron try to convince hallie eisenberg that there is, in fact, a santa claus? i could do without tim allen making another christmas movie as well.

and the salvation army makes me nervous. when i walk into a store with the red bucket by the entrance, manned by someone ringing that bell, i feel like atreyu walking past those two giant statues hoping he doesn't get shot by eye lasers. please don't ask me for money, i'm too weak to say no. i don't trust you to give everything you get to those who really need it.

album of the jour: the delgados universal audio

abstinence isn't doing shit

happy world aids day everyone! let's all go out and have unprotected sex! share needles! hire denzel washington as your lawyer!

i heard on the radio that teaching safe sex in schools has been proven to be effective in countering instances of std's, pregnancy, abortion, etc., and teaching abstinence has been proven ineffective. guess which one our administration supports.

and why doesn't it work?

because kids wanna fuck.

because when dad doesn't have a job, and we don't have a tv or air conditioning or anything remotely constructive to do, and our school closed from lack of funding, what else is there?

tammy: "why don't you take that and put it there?"
timmy: "uhhhhh... okay."

*poof * tammy gets pregnant with an aids-infected baby. abortion time! because we can't afford to have a kid.

what kind of uber-denial bubble do religiosos who preach abstinance live in? they're against abortion, but they're also against the one method that works best in preventing it? they idolize (biblical inference intended) and vote for the guy who makes it harder not to have an abortion?

i bet bush likes aids. i bet he thinks it's god's way of punishing gays and people who have pre-marital relations.

noone needs aids medicine right? what we really need are prayers and the holy spirit within us to defend our red blood cells!

basically, just be pious and cold all the time.

album of the jour: tegan and sara so jealous

priorities people!

you know what, torturing muslim prisoners in cuba is somewhat morally offensive, but i think we should all be more outraged and focused on nicolette sheridan's bare back being shown before monday night football. i don't think jesus would like bare backs people...

although i can't say that he would be a fan of torture either. i would know, i saw mel gibson's the passion.

(*in best southern baptist drawl*)
we can-NOT allow this erosion of our national moral fibah to con-tin-yue! whiiite women can-NOT be shown half-naked with negra's on priiime tiiime television! i am shocked and chagrined. think of the children. won't somebody puh-LEASE think of the children!

perrrAISE jeesus.
(*end southern drawl*)

abu what? ghraib? psshhht, whatever. it sounds made-up. like the moon landing, or vietnam.

in reasons-why-i-love-louisiana news:

i saw a local commercial the other day about seat belt laws. the commercial says "this law is currently being enforced". i wish they would have more press releases here about which laws are being enforced at what time.

album of the jour: neko case the tigers have spoken

thanks for the mammaries

there are supposed to be two audioblogs on here i made from the houston airport. i probably would have deleted them anyway.

i want to make a "thankful for" list before thanksgiving gets so far behind me that it becomes anachronistic. actually it's just an easy thing to write on a monday after a holiday when life has no meaning.

• the blogosphere and friends therein - my respite from the louisiana sea of stupid
• internet porn
• people in the ukraine - i'm jealous
• maggie gyllenhaal's smile
• zooey deschanel's eyes
• air america radio
• gilmore girls and smallville
• air conditioning
• darkness (not the band, the absence of light)
• boobies
• pills (xanax, paxil, wellbutrin, generic p.m. pain-reliever)
• cigarettes and alcohol
• the bill of rights - great while it lasted
• lesbians (elaborative post forthcoming)
• fat people
• blue states
• science, darwinism, social darwinism, evolution, etc.
• splenda artificial sweetener
• caller i.d.
• my apartment, my job
• sluts
• short checkout lines at the grocery store
• pets
• surround sound
• butts
• the people who put glue in store locks on the busiest shopping day of the year
• general disarray

my early xmas present

on cnn headline news yesterday i saw a story from my own beloved lafayette, louisiana, about how vandals put superglue into the locks of dozens of lafayette businesses (local story here). so on friday morning, that shoppiest of all shopping days, noone could get into the stores until a locksmith could be called. i understand some stores couldn't open until mid-morning, costing them thousands.

and they got to OLD NAVY...

i am generally not a condoner of vandalism, but this, i like. i'm always bugaboo'ed by the commercial jackassery of the season. i view this more as an act of civil disobedience than anything else. yes, some stores lost money (not that much), but they were all large chains as far as i know. no mom/pop stores. here's a short list of affected stores:

Toys R’ Us; Old Navy; Bed, Bath and Beyond; Marshalls; S&K Menswear; Rainbow; Barnes & Noble Booksellers; Tuesday Morning

so, kudos to whomever the culprit(s) is (are). i'm hoping they were progressive radicals, but more than likely it was just drunk teens.

damn kids!

things to do in texas when you're dead

on each of my flights over i was fortunate enough to sit next to two friendly girls (i got two e-mail addresses out of it, one a sorority girl from lafayette and the other a med student from nyu; guess which one i liked better). i had pretty much the same conversation on each flight, with two different people. the trip was surprisingly better than i thought it would be.

i did have three manhattans at the lafayette airport before i left, so maybe i was just fucked up.

on the flight from houston to san antonio a guy sitting behind me was halping a woman put a large carry-on into the overhead. she asked if he would remember to get it down for her when we landed, and his response was "ma'am i promise, unless for some reason i get... (pause) ...raptured, or something, i'll get it for you", in jest.

i was cackling uncontrollably.

i whispered to the guy that he'd better be careful, talking that way on an airplane in the heart of god's country. but seriously, i haven't laughed that heartily or sincerely in a long time.

then yesterday, xgiving skullduggery at my rich texas uncle's ranch (guess what business he's in). come to find out your relatives are alot more fun when you get a couple of cocktails up enya (sail away).

i had to sit through a conversation with my cousin's husband (who has already bought their seven year-old daughter a hunting rifle, and takes her hunting all the time. it's not just a myth - people are morons down here). he kept telling me how liberals bribe black people for their votes with crack-cocaine. n-word this, n-word that. i seriously get queasy when i hear redneck whities say the n-word. don't trust whitey.

but again, all homage to the demon liquor for upping my tolerance of stupidity.

my parents catch the independent film channel, so i've pretty much been watching that non-stop. it hasn't been as bad a trip as i thought. thus far.

going to texasville

grrrr turkeys. turdeys. everyone gets today off but me. if i had a fatty i'd light it up right in my office, right now. but why do i complain. when my work day ends my work four-day-"holiday" begins, flying to on one of the two busiest travel days of the year, and flying fro on the other of the two busiest travel days of the year. i hate crowds, i hate lines, i hate waiting. i especially hate them when they are done all in the name of visiting family... family in texas.

and xgiving day itself - my uncle's ranch, with lots of beer-bellies and beer-swilling and animal-eating. i think i'm going to get drunk. just to make the whole trip somewhat salvageable.

i am like a nelly furtado

you would think i would be ecstatic to be leaving louisiana for the holidays, but consider the fact that my destination is texas. this is so fakakta'd up.

things i would rather do than travel on a commercial airline during the holidays:

- go to the dentist
- eat poo
- get "hobbled" by kathy bates
- profess undying love for nicole richie
- listen to ashlee simpson album 5 times in a row
- masturbate in front of a gay priest
- vote for george bush
- watch must-see tv on nbc
- pay $20 for a metallica album
- play jesus in a staged version of the passion of the christ
- ride a bike with no seat
- donate money to pat robertson
- sit through a rural high school graduation ceremony
- play soccer
- go duck hunting
- attend a carrot top performance
- be enthusiastic about junior high football
- work at denny's
- eat at denny's
- get a kid rock tattoo on my forehead
- teach at an inner-city high school
- be a taste-tester for a shampoo company
- have my scrotum pierced
- watch a jerry bruckheimer movie
- get married to starr jones

fuck you

i'm pissed-off angry and irritated today for no specific reason. it's probably an amalgom of stupid clients, having to work when there's virtually nothing to do , having to travel somewhere by plane, spending your rare vacation time with family (which is not really a vacation), the outdoor climate, and living in louisiana. and i hate people. nearly all of them.

not you though. you're cool.

abstractions anger me as well. hypocrisy, greed, selfishness, short-sightedness, ignorance, christianity...

how many of those are synonyms with each other?

cast cassettes

lately i've been noticing that in alot of the movies i rent there are characters who, while driving, grow frustrated with whatever cassette tape is playing, eject the tape, and throw it out the window. i guess there are a surprising number of people still driving around with cassette players. anyway, i think, this is movie drama. it doesn't actually happen. but have you ever noticed old, broken cassette tapes lying on the side of the road? it's really not hard to find one. i found an engelbert humperdinck cassette once. i picked it up and saved it for a while. i threw it out when i tried to figure out why.

oh sweet jesus! i just saw bill o'relly's face in my falafel!

poop and sandwich

a grilled cheese with the image of the virgin mary is being auctioned off on ebay, currently at one cent. maybe i'm just a non-believer, but i don't see it. the auction listing is hilarious. here's an excerpt (un-edited) from the description:

Miracle, or nothing at all? This grilled cheese sandwich is not ordinary, after owning this, I have found $20 in my pocket before, i know everyone loves finding finding money in their pockets. Another great example is once i got a fortune cookie that said I was going to have great luck! Two true miracles! Proof of this find can be provided if requested. The winner of this auction will recieve an ACTUAL medium quality image printed on HP photo paper! Bid now to grab this fine piece of history.

what sentence in this description is not funny?

this is from another auction for a different virgin mary grilled cheese:

You can imagine my surprise when I picked up this piece of toast and noticed the face of the Virgin Mary herself gazing warmly back at me. All of a sudden, I felt a sense of peace come over the room and I knew that this was a blessing. Ever sense the toast was made, I have felt lifted by its presence and feel as though it has helped me work through issues in my life. Since then my life has taken a turn for the better, and I believe that when blessings come our way that we should share them. Who would I be to hold this for myself after it has already helped me more than I ever wished? It is for that reason that I now am placing this up for auction, starting at 1 cent, as I feel it would be wrong to ask for more.

do people scour every piece of food they get, on the off-chance they'll recognize an image of some religious figure? i remember about a year ago someone said they saw mother teresa's face in a cinnabon.

how about jesus appearing in a lean cuisine? ghandi in a bowl of corn flakes? caesar chavez in a chalupa?

you can also buy on ebay an "i ate the virgin mary grilled cheese" t-shirt.

apparently there are different versions of the sacred sandwich being sold. a replica of one is going for over $15,000. i feel smart.

mcnudity

mcboobies! which biscuits are we photographing? hugh hefner likes heifers, and wants to compare mcdonald's gray meat with his own. mcdonald's girls and mcdonald's food: both will be fatty, give people heart attacks, and are only good after a night of heavy drinking. wan' get me summa dem' dar taters (in best sling blade voice).

what about other fast-food chains? don't the queens of burger king feel slighted? the wendy's rear-endies? the taco bell tacos? the pizza hut sluts.. or, pizza hut pies? hopefully the girls aren't as crusty and greasy as the food.

is this better or worse than playboy's search for the women of wal-mart? i think it's worse, because at least the wal-mart gals were able to make up some of that salary gap between themselves and wal-mart male employees with boobie money

application submittal page

we're going to dress you up in a vest!

someone tell me if i'm wrong.

does the apparel from old navy look like the biggest bunch of ordinary, pastel, unimaginative pile of overpriced, woven crap you've ever seen? i don't understand. is it a case of the emperor's new clothes (in america? noooo...)? if it's priced high enough, and they make gap-like commercials, and get little kim (lil' kim?) to whore for them, then people will buy the clothes?

they're just plain sweaters and jeans! it's not an "old navy vermont fleece pullover", it's a fucking sweatshirt. i loathe the corporate world. i shop at goodwill. i heart bargains. i live alone. my name is lugosh.

i opened a computer that needed fixing this morning and it smelled like body odor. it wasn't me.

album of the jour: simian we are your friends

walled-in, or, life in the apartment

there's alot of noise where i live. mostly background noise, but sometimes jarring nonetheless. my windows are almost always open in the winter (which, in louisiana, lasts about two weeks). last night while trying to go to sleep the wind kept blowing my blinds around - i jumped every time.

also, tree branches scratch against the walls outside. it's very eery.

at night there are usually several trains that go by about a mile or two away. i hear the train horn blowing incessantly, but i rather like it. it's far enough away that it doesn't wake me up.

and i'm three miles from the airport, so i hear the planes now and then.

next door there's a band that plays black crowes music. badly. they usually only practice on the weekends, and it's not that bothering. my music is usually way louder than anything i would otherwise hear.

all of this sounds like a real bitch to live with, but it's interesting. this morning when i woke up i rolled on my side to face the window and the sunrise was making the sky look purple. it was a very nice picture to wake up to.

the neighborhood isn't the greatest, but it's still safer than scott peterson's butthole (yes, stayed up all night for that).

also, a quiz (once again, from fhb):

Which Goth New Wave 80's Band Are You?




The Cure

album of the jour: drugmoney mtn cty jnk

how about a nice game of chess

have you ever tried to brainstorm ideas to write about and come up with bubkis? the only words that came into my mind just now were "global thermonuclear war" and "fakakta". this is the impetus for the subsequent.

i loved ally sheedy. war games came out in 1983, when i was four. i probably didn't first see it until it was shown on television years later, when i was at least six or seven. but nevertheless and consequently my sexual development was advanced. it's not my fault though, remember the short shorts in that movie? do you remember the short shorts!?! fuck the alamo. i remember the short shorts.

and of course she was alluring in a vitriolic way in breakfast club. i, unlike emelio (jock poseur!), much preferred the pre-makeover allison to the post-makeover allison. not to the point of eating pixie dust sandwiches, but i did do coke at a relatively early age.

nah, i lie. i didn't do coke until college, and even then, maybe thrice.

but i try not to think about the bulimia years (i haven't watched any e! true hollywood stories in over a year).

fakakta - how i feel on mondays.

album of the jour: brendan benson lapalco

brand new green day

i've heard for the last couple months how good the new green day cd was. i kind of wrote them off a long time ago, right after dookie.

dookie was my favorite album when i was a sophomore in high school. i had every song memorized and completely wore that motherfucker out. but since then, i completely lost interest in post-punk, emo, and pretty much anything punk-related (except actual punk, the late 70's early 80's fare).

but holy fuck, american idiot is good. "boulevard of broken dreams" (which i don't think is a remake of the hanoi rocks song, at least i hope) is making me stare non-copus-mentus-ly into space. i really hope this isn't one of those enamoured-because-i-just-herad-it things, and i get sick of it. has anyone heard this song? they used it on smallville a couple of weeks ago.

if it's being played on the radio i'm going to be pissed. it's probably being played on the radio.

and a couple of these tracks are almost ten minutes long... what's punk about that? eh? eh? ahhhhh....

also "holiday" is good, "give me novocaine" is good, "jesus of suburbia" is good, "she's a rebel" i like, "homecoming" i like. every song on the album is solid.

i've forgotten what it's like to wake up on a saturday morning not completely hungover/still drunk. it's not bad. it's freezing. it's great.

damaged

heisted from fhb, and a good thing too because today is boring:

Which defining 80s punk band are you?!?!



You my friend are the legendary Black Flag. You
sing about six packs and mental disfunctions.
Your sound can come off as loud and brutish,
but that's why people love you! Considering all
the singers you've been through, you have still
made it as one of the fore fathers of the
hardcore punk scene.

also: it's veteran's day

the asshat bush speaks at the tomb of the unknown soldier today, veteran's day. he may as well speak at the tombs of every dead solider from iraq because he doesn't know any of them. god he is such an evil fucker. his voice gives me a headache.

and i think i heard that today has been the bloodiest day of the war in terms of american troop casualties. i am sick.

can we fry this?

wow. louisiana is number 50, dead last, in the 2004 state health rankings. is anyone that surprised? we would deep-fry cigarettes if we could. if cancer hadn't eaten away every brain cell in the state maybe we would realize that a daily diet of fried stuff with cheese and a liquid butter chaser isn't the healthiest way to go.

incidentally, we also eat fried pig fat down here. they're called cracklin's.

check out the last ten or so states on that list. is it a coincidence that they're all red? check out the top ten states - coincidence that they're mostly blue? utah is in there, but i think that's because the joseph smith crowd considers everything unhealthy a hell-worthy sin.

i actually wanted to move to minneapolis even before this list came out. i love the cold, i love the accents, i love margie gunderson, and now i love the thought of clean arteries.

so, just to reiterate a long-standing opinion of mine: louisiana sucks bottom-of-the-barrel balls (we fry and eat those too).

massa

the guy that does the landscape work here at our offices is black. he comes once a week. he also washes people's vehicles in the parking lot while they're working (very handy service). he comes in, my boss pays him the same day, it's great. they make small talk, chitting and chatting, and are very friendly. black man and white man interacting harmoniously.

but on a different day, while talking about sports (i feign, i act, i pretend... i thank the academy) the boss uses racial epithets. nigger this, nigger that. a very different demeanor.

i think that his friendliness to the landscaper is genuine, and i don't think he would ever outwardly discriminate agains someone of another race. it bothers me though that people these days (and not just in the south) are satisfied with tolerance.

tolerance? as in, to tolerate?

i tolerate people talking in movie theaters. i tolerate bad drivers. i tolerate the hilton sisters. but at the same time i want to kick all of these people very hard in the larynx.

is that the attitude everyone should have with regard to people of a different race? if so i'm glad i'm a white male.

being free of bigotry (look up "liberal" in the dictionary - it's part of the definition) should be more than toleration. i realize that rome wasn't built in a day, and maybe it's asking too much that people try to mold something as ingrained as a thought process, when noone is looking, but it would make me feel better if at least a conscientious effort were made to do so.

i'm probably guilty of racism as well. it's hard to look at a black man or a hispanic man, and just see a "man". but i'm trying. i try not to treat a black person better than i would a white person because somewhere deep in the labyrinth of my mind i feel guilty. i'm trying in the privacy of my home, far from the sensitive and critical eyes of others. how many people really do this though?

it's easy to act accordingly to moral issues while people are watching. it's another matter entirely to have the self-discipline to recognize fault in your mental processes when you're alone lying in bed.

changing the way one person thinks, much less the way a million people think, takes a while. it's been almost 150 years since the abolishment of slavery, and noone can tell me prejudice isn't still rampant.

i think of this in relation to gay rights as well. how long will it take america to make right the inequality and injustice being perpetrated against homosexuals? granted, they're not endentured and physically tortured as slaves were (matthew shepard may disagree, if he were still alive), but civil rights issues are civil rights issues.

the american population in general is terrified of change. we're like a country of old people terrified of computers.

why am i thinking about red states all of a sudden?

this is so beautiful

i don't feel like writing again. intense malaise.

this is truly great stuff. and keep in mind i live in the south. seriously, everyone should save this, bookmark it, whatever, and just read it when you feel completely pissed off. which, call me crazy, will probably be pretty often througout the next four years.

i'm coining a term: the self-hating southerner. all me.

from fuckthesouth.com:

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

i don't want to write today. not right now. weekend was soaked (guess with what), my air conditioner fell out of the window.

interesting map sent to me by bunny, who i'm told got it from pisser, click to enlarge:

ohhhh... man date

the president says he has a mandate. i would have thought he'd be terrified of man dates, just like 51% of the country seems to be. i wonder where he and his man date are going. paddle boat swans? handsome cab ride? or perhaps hunting gophers in crawford? who can say. but you know there's going to be some serious dick-swinging going on.

so, i'm staying away from the election for a bit. i need a good weekend of toxins, sunshine, cool weather, and weed. although i don't have weed. i'll just roll up some parsley i guess. garnish my ass!

the new apartment is developing nicely. i'm going to do sort of a blogosphere pictorioal version of cribs soon, once i'm satisfied with the place.

album of the jour: fonda the invisible girl

concilliatory poem

my aunt, who lives in texas, sent me this:

The Election Is Over,
The Results Are Known,

The Will Of The People
Has Clearly Been Shown.

Let’s All Get Together
And Let Bitterness Pass,

I’ll Hug Your Elephant,
You Kiss My Ass.

--Anon.

i'm fooling with my template. pardon.

mandate?

try to get as much of this stuff in before the january 20 inauguration while you can:

- get that abortion you've always wanted
- hoard porn, gasoline, and stem cells
- burn an american flag
- do anything artistic
- make friends with a black person or gay person
- have gay sex
- have premarital sex
- have premarital gay sex
- watch the independent film channel
- get a tattoo and/or piercing
- drink a glass of clean water
- breathe as much fresh air as you possibly can
- eat fish and remember what it tastes like without mercury
- buy some kevlar
- look at a tree
- read what social security is (was) all about
- become an expert on evolution so you can tell your grandkids about it someday

got any more?

album of the jour: brian jonestown massacre strung out in heaven

hahaaaaaa... i'm online beetches! and i have gas!

i'll rephrase; natural gas services are now connected to my apartment, and i therefore can take hot showers instead of fear factor showers and whore baths.

very proud day for us and our families

well it couldn't have been much worse of a day/morning for us. i'm heartbroken. i feel like i just caught the love of my life boning her surf instructor sideways.

on the plus side it's going to be really entertianing watching so many people die and go broke and suffer over the next four years. isn't that what we in america are all about? entertainment and fun and excitement and explosions and drama at any cost? it's the only rationale i can come up with for what happened. we'll accept smoke and mirrors and hollywood special effects any day of the week before we accept substance and reason.

but things always have a way of balancing out, and that's not just the buddhist in me talking. right now our entire government is so heavily tilted that i think it will eventually implode on itself. we'll get to a point where the shit storm is so drastic that it will be impossible even for the rightiest among us to ignore, and the international community won't stand for it.

one important thing to remember is that what we need in this country is a movement. ralph nader's mantra was that we need extreme renovations in the two-party system. but what pissed me off is that he only turns up once every four years to shout this from the mount, and that dog will not hunt. the effort is much bigger than any one election and we have to remember that and keep working.

the only true worthy act in life is helping those that can't help you back, and that's something we can do regardless of what cake-fucker is in the white house.

and hey, at least we smartie-pants people have that much more evidence that we are rare and special. i feel special.

the ductility of fact

i'm of the opinion that, in general, liberals use reason and evidence to reach a rational conclusion, and republicans (not necessarily conservatives) reach a desired conclusion and then create the rationale they need to arrive at said conclusion.

my own liberal values are very important to me, but how much? would i (knowingly or unknowingly) skew the way i look at facts and news so that my personal progressive dogma remains sound in my own mind? i know i'm certian of my outlook on politics and believe strongly that i'm correct. what about the right-leaning person who is equally positive that they're right?

it's like the american civil war, in which both the north and south were sure that god was on their side. not much has changed except that the modern-day version is "my god is better than your god". who's right?

it seems that what liberals stand for is better for the country than what conservatives stand for, better for that majority of people who don't live the top-one-percent lifestyle. george bush has sought with every policy decision to deepen the pockets of wealthy cohorts at the expense of the lower class, upon whose back our economy rests. this doesn't seem right to me.

but the laundry list (or "litany" - i just made up that word) about what i find faulty with the bush administration is too long for me to even think about without the aid of drink and a hammer. suffice it to say, the country is in the toilet. those who say otherwise are just construing faulty logic and fooling themselves to safe-guard and placate their own values and interests. beeatch.

album of the jour: go vote your conscience fuckers

it was a very scattered weekend. the gas in my apartment hasn't been turned on yet so i had to take cold showers. i do not like cold showers. i have no cable yet either, so no internet. but i did drink alot (mostly from lack of anything better to do - not that i'm knocking lady drink). i like drinking.

i am excited about the election tomorrow. i just want it to be over.