Thursday, March 31, 2005

terri schiavo not alive-o

you know what, besides the sufficient sorrow a stranger expresses about the death of another stranger, who gives a flying fuck. she's ostensibly been dead for a long time, and this whole thing was just about republicans pandering to their religious extremist base. it was a blast to watch them flail at a hopeless and ridiculous cause. those are the ones i laugh at, not the woman herself.

if any of you know who bill kristol is (editor of the conservative magazine the weekly standard), and loathe him as i do, there's a wonderful video here of him getting smacked in the face with a pie while speaking at a progressive college. this is therapy people.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

go north young man

louisiana is not just a state, it's a state of mind (yes i stole that line from somewhere and it's horrible, but i'm going somewhere so BACK OFF). rather, it's a state of having no mind and paying no mind. the people are about as alabaman as they get (except maybe for people who actually live in alabama, but i'm not conceding anything). they are devoid of empathy or self-awareness. completely. devoid.

the louisiana climate is miserable (hot, humid... you break a serious sweat walking from your house to your car). during the summer it will rain briefly in the afternoon, which only serves to make everything damp and further increase the humidity levels when the sun comes out and causes the moisture to evaporate. so i want to move.

i want to move to a big city. larger cities are always liberal (to varying degrees), have great public transportation systems (i do not drive), get great concerts, great bars, great comedy clubs, great escort services, and all that great stuff.

and i want seasons. i want a winter with ice storms. i understand that they are a pain in the pyloric sphincter (asphinctersayswhat?) once the novelty and wonder wears off, but that's just comparative bullshit. go through a hurricane that knocks out power for two weeks in the summertime (imagine no a.c. and nothing to do) and then tell me how bad ice storms are.

and i really liked the movie. i own the dvd.

so i need feedback. here's a short list of places i'm seriously considering moving to, not all perfectly matching my criteria but still appealing enough:
  • chicago
  • montreal
  • austin
  • minneapolis
  • new york
  • vancouver
  • toronto
  • seattle
  • boston

i was trying to put a nifty interactive poll up with some simple point-and-click interface action but the html was fakakta, so i guess just comment. thanks for the input.


Tuesday, March 29, 2005

if you like multiple and sequential orgasms...

call me. then check out the vocal and electroclash stylings of spalding rockwell. if le tigre, roni size, ladytron, and peaches all fucked, this would be the fetus. i feel bad for using the descriptor "electroclash" because it's nothing that really fits completely into any one genre or sub-genre (of which there are an annoyingly incessant abundance).

and have i mentioned that they're HOT? this is relevant because, as we all know, only hot, sexy people can make good music.

yesterday i went home and ate a couple of xanax, which i am prone to do on monday afternoons, took a shower, read a bit and then put this cd on. the calming (or rather "paralyzing", considering the amount i take) effects of xanax did nothing to counter my excitement at hearing something inventive and fuck-rocking.

the new album kate is stimulating, hardcore, and infectious. if i were listening to this while driving i would either get a speeding ticket or die.

incidentally, i think i'm going to coin a new genre (since everyone else is): fuck-rock.

a good list of other new music i've been listening to: eisley, the comas, the beards, garbage, idlewild, ivy, lamb, lcd soundsystem, bloc party, and magnapop. also the new album from the esteemed sleater-kinney is going to be out soon. hazaah.

Monday, March 28, 2005

if it wasn't for bad luck

how is it that i accumulate gunk on the top of my stove even though i use it for nothing except boiling water? i'm like mr. burns; everything i touch or go near turns to shit.

speaking of shit, easter weekend was shitty. i don't know for sure that it's jesus's fault, but what a fantastic coincidence it is that my worst weekend of the year coincided with... what i guess was a bad weekend for him as well. i'm too far-removed from being catholic to remember exactly what happened on easter. crucifixion? resurrection? bah, whatever. maybe i'll just blame the weekend suckfest on 9/11. yeah, that's it, 9/11 and jesus.

and of course the intangible and ever-present cosmic machination against me and my emotional state. hey universe, eat me.

spring is always a bad time for me - ides of march and all. it could always be worse, or so they say.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

bus travel is a trip, man

i am on a greyhound bus going back to lafayette. some interesting nuggets from the road:

the current bus driver is shamelessly crooning church hymns - actually i think it's just the same one, apparently stuck on repeat. what's that they say about repitition being the hobgoblin of little minds? here's hoping he's at least a competent driver.

on the bus TO texas was a screaming child. he or she was unabashedly wailing (much like today's driver) and inconsolable. i'm not sure but i think the little buggar even punched his/her mom (i'm guessing she was the mom). that part was actually entertaining. the crying was not.

but that's why god (aol or on-star, now i'm not sure) provided man with headphones and the super furry animals.

so, i'm on the return trip now. we are stopped in orange, texas, which i think only consists of the gas station we are currently idling at. the people on the bus are what i would consider typical of bus travelers. i'm concerned about getting jumped for my laptop.

and the wheels on the bus! don't get me started on the wheels.

the bus sucks. maybe if you were traveling with a friend or two it would be fun. remember taking field trips in middle/high school, and everyone had junk food and there would be sharing of cd's and blankets and sitting backwards in the seats and occasionally truth or dare? fun times, wasted on the young.

from orange, texas, peaches.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

box fort fox trot

suggestions please. i have a really big cardboard box that my treadmill came in and i have no idea what to do with it. i was thinking of making a fort, or a clubhouse (no girls allowed. like that would ever be an issue), or maybe a life-size cutout of myself. i just can't throw such a big box away can i? i could ship myself somewhere.

i could also do a staged reading of jumpin' jack flash in my apartment.

i heard a great idea on air america about a way to screw credit card companies. everyone gets myriad credit card offers in the mail, and instead of throwing them away, which i would assume most people do, we should use the postage-paid return envelope. just seal it and mail it - it's only (how much is postage these days?) cents, but if it becomes a mass movement then those predatory lending bastards would lose money. i hate credit card companies. they raped my cousin.

i'll be away for a few days visiting a lady friend in texas, so i may or may not be able (or willing) to blog. i'm sending you all virtual methadone to help ease the withdrawals.


Wednesday, March 23, 2005

pootloose and sugar-free

a word to the wise - desserts and/or candies that normally contain copius amounts of sugar but are somehow made into a "sugar-free" version will not get along well with human intestines. i had a jelly bean craving yesterday and found a sugarless version (i haven't had sugar all year) which was actually very good. but be forewarned - stock your bathroom with some really interesting reading material, and lots of it.

tidbits from the too-much-information category aside, i feel compelled to apologize for saying that i hated america earlier. i don't hate america per se, i just hate what the neo-conservative death cult has turned the country into. i am, however, definitely ashamed to be an american because all the nefariousness perpetrated by our government is being done in my name (and yours - our name).

so, bliggedy-blah. i grow weary of being so consistently irate over things i have such little control over.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

water! water!

happy world water day! the only reason i know that it's world water day is that the google logo on is decorated oddly. usually they modify the google logo on special occastions (st. patrick's day, christmas, etc.) and you can always tell what the occasion is. but today it's decorated indiscernibly, unless you click on it.

how is this postworthy you ask? because i got nothing.

but i do like water. it's good for hydration, it's wet. and i guess not much else.

it also makes pop stars look really sexy in their videos. it gives teenagers a chance to order a free beverage on prom night when they can barely afford the meal and won't tip you shit so you have to run the risk of getting fired by including the tip on the bill otherwise you'd have to chase them out into the parking lot and threaten to eat their parents if they ever come back.

sometimes they ordered water and "lots of lemon wedges so they can make their own lemonade". i never obliged. lemons, $three extra. you no like? no lemons for you. i was the gestapo of the food service industry.

Monday, March 21, 2005

god hates fags and i hate america

happy anniversary iraq war. good thing saddam attacked us on 7-11 or this war would not have been justified.

this weekend i drank and slept. apparently not enough because i'm cranky. so cranky, in fact, that i will say that i do, in fact, hate america. why shouldn't i? because we're better than most other countries (someone has to explain that to me)? fuck that, and you. lots of countries are free but aren't populated by disgruntled abused children who willfully succumb to obvious propaganda if it nurtures the chip on their shoulders.

par example - quote from bill o'reilly (who has his own show on the number one-rated cable news channel in america):

You know, the Founding Fathers didn't write anything into the Constitution about gay marriage. Because back then, if you were gay, they hung you.

So -- you couldn't get married 'cause they put you in the rack. You know, if you were runnin' around wearing a chartreuse hat, you were in lots of trouble. So, we didn't even have to worry about these people gettin' married because if they come out of their closet in the log cabin -- somebody'll shoot them in the head.

any editorial required on that one?

no it's not everyone. it's about half. is that supposed to be comforting? bah. whatever. i'm cranky and suffering from a sever case of bedlust.

i watched the ten commandments saturday night. it was great. i think i'm going to start going to church again because a story like that HAS to be true. charlton heston is very credible as a religious figurehead. his nra stance is just life imitating art (from my cold dead hand rameses).

Friday, March 18, 2005

diets guaranteed to work

the following diets can be undertaken individually or in conjunction with each other - overlap as you see fit to meet your specific goals.

the derelict diet - quit your job. stop paying bills. eventually the money runs out, you get evicted, and you are homeless. feel the burn as you wander the streets begging for nickels in a big-city business district. your caloric intake plummets as you sift through garbage cans for nourishment. try hitchhiking somewhere - great cardio.

the supermodel diet - champagne, cigarettes, cocaine, equal packets. an over-inflated ego helps, as does concern about aging and sagging.

the indecisiveness diet - not for everyone: must possess an anxious, worrisome, frantic personality which makes any decision extremely difficult. trying to decide what to eat takes you forever, and eventually fatigue surpasses hunger. you go to bed without supper.

the liquor diet - get drunk, pass out. when you wake up, drink some more. remember - unconsciousness is the friend of weight loss; when you're sleeping with your head on the toilet you aren't eating, and chances are the idea of food will make you nauseus. for a light snack (when needed) try cigarettes.

the death diet - die. the pounds melt away.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

prick's prick

i've never written word one about scott peterson, because frankly one murdered woman and infant in california never seemed remotely tantamount to 1500 dead americans and 100,000 dead iraqis resulting from u.s. asshattery (thanks again supine), and therefore didn't warrant much of my attention. made it their lead story time and again, if that signifies the story's actual relevance (and check out todays "big news" - something about baseball players).

as much malice as i harbor for this man, i can't condone executing him; i'm completely against the death penalty. but it's easy for me, someone of no relation to the victim or without any ties whatsoever to the case, to sit back and echo my principles and say that he shouldn't be put to death.

what if i did have some direct tie? what if i were lacy's father or brother or friend? how can i be sure that my ideals would hold up under that level of complete duress and anger?

speculation and uninvolved opinion is all i can offer concerning his sentence. lacy's father said something to the effect that he deserves to die and will burn in hell, and probably a plethera of other scathing remarks. but i can't really fault him.

you have to empathize with everyone before you attempt to claim the moral high ground on any issue (a big difference between liberals and cons).

nothing more about scott peterson ever, promise. ad nauseum.

happy saint patty's day! eire!

my middle name is patrick so i feel obligated to get drunk and vomit in public (that's my excuse and i'm sticking to it). i'm not wearing any green, but i'm alone in the office and thus will receive nary a pinch. send me virtual pinches if you must, but be forewarned - i'm weilding me bludger and will have to send ye a virtual beat-down in response.

i'm going to do my best to avoid a wee bit 'o the consumption. potatoes!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

green green grass

is it a harbinger of aging that you'd consistently rather stay in your apartment on the weekends, doing nothing but laying in bed, watching tv, and sleeping, than going out with friends? i've been dealing with this dilemma more and more lately, and i'm worried that i'm becoming a crotchety fart.

maybe it's just that the grass always seems greener? when i stay home instead of going out i'm always afraid that i'm missing out on some party to end all parties wherein people are swilling sherry, seeing who can hurl the paraplegic the furthest (shoot me!) while on cocaine, drinking lighter fluid, and orgies orgies orgies.

conversely, when i do go out all i do the whole time is lament the fact that i spent money to be in a nauseatingly smoke-filled environment (you could cure ham in there) with terrible loud music and strobe lights, rubbing elbows with drunken dickheads (of which i am sometimes one) all in the hopes of somehow miraculously getting laid.

of course i will always love sweet lady liquor, but frankly i have much more fun getting wasted at home, wearing pajamas, rocking out to music not queued up by someone with the "dj" appellation.

and what's wrong with drinking games? i miss drinking games. i miss spin-the-bottle (as well as emptying a bottle to spin). why do those things go out of style as you get older? they were so freaking fun. i must not be blossoming into a true adult if i long for immature high school games.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

but he's such a nice feller

obligatory weekly politicopost - everyone should have one, weekly.

on the radio yesterday i heard an interview of some guy who is running for governor in texas as an independent. he spoke of his past interactions with george bush and how he found the president to be a really affable and nice guy. i've heard this sentiiment echoed before in newspaper articles, radio interviews, etc. i would wager that a big reason why he was re-elected (i'm sorry, elected. no, "elected") is that many people see him as a loveable doofus. he may not be so good with 'dem big words, but by god he's good people.

i haven't met the man, but my contention is this: FUCK his personality or supposed friendliness.

when your actions cause innocent men, women and children to die needlessly then you should be stabbed in the eardrum with a dull pencil.

when you take food stamps from people who need them and deny american troops equipment they need to survive in order to maintain tax cuts for your elitist bastard friends, you should be locked in a small room with the gimp.

when your every action, whether it be raping social security or making bankruptcy nearly impossible or cutting veterans' benefits or capping the compensation someone can get from malpractice or forbidding your government from negotiating with drug companies for cheaper drug prices, you should have to watch the second charlie's angels movie repeatedly for the rest of your life.

(is that too harsh? maybe he would actually like it?)

when you call yourself pro-life but sign off on the executions of minors and the mentally retarded, you should have to go down on starr jones three times a day.

when you use force and send people you don't know or care about off to die for political gain, money, and to distract people from your true nefariousness, you might be a redneck.

so take your goofy grin and homey texas accent and shove it up your tightly-puckered asshole, you evil and ignorant FUCK.

also it makes me physically sick that the names of soldiers killed in iraq and afghanistan are now considered page-12 news. corporate-run, pitiful media

Monday, March 14, 2005

j to the c

why don't more people name their children jesus? latinos, spanish, mexicans, and puerto ricans (is there a p.c. term that encompasses all of these?) do it, but why not white christians? they name their kids after apostles and saints from the bible, but never jesus. why not? you'd think naming your child after your saviour would be a living testament, but i've never heard of a white person named jesus.

i would like to be able to call someone and say "jeeheeeeesuusss what's up". take jesus on a skiing trip - watch him wakeboard on water. play softball with him, and when he makes an error scream "dammit jesus!". other fun things:
  • what the hell, jesus?
  • for christ's sake jesus!
  • "jesus" on speed-dial
  • (probably already exists)
  • to: jesus from: santa
  • jesus is having trouble sharing with the other children
  • going to see mel gibson's the passion with jesus
  • getting jesus to carry you on the beach, leaving one set of footprints (postcard possibilities abound)
  • jesus: "i can't spend money on you because jesus saves"
  • no jesus, it's not you it's me
  • me: "oh god" jesus "yeesssssss?"
  • all work and no play makes jesus a dull boy
  • what if jesus grew up to be a pagan? or gay?
  • jesus, hit this

so that's my contribution to blasphemy this week.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

my pants are tight!

yes i am a man. i have a penis and pretty girls make it go "huh". these are celebrities who i think are very the sexy. i can't attest one way or the other as to their intellectual acumen; this goes on looks alone. if you want pictures, look them up yourself. it's sunday, i'm lazy (like my laziness has anything at all to do with what day it is). so, in a very shallow post:

  1. rose mcgowan - pale skin and black hair (awesome)
  2. ali larter - whip cream bikini in varsity blues
  3. gabrielle union - only good reason to watch bad boys 2
  4. eva mendez - very caliente
  5. scarlett johansson - come up with a reason why not
  6. kirsten dunst - i can only plead insanity
  7. sarah carter - recent smallville appearances
note: if you've read anything i've written in the past, you know i'm about as superficial as a blind 90-year old parapalegic with alzheimer's. so don't tread on me for submitting a pure penis post.

Friday, March 11, 2005

and it's good for arthritis too

are you working today? did you work yesterday? not me. i am vacationing. the weather is nice, i got sun yesterday (sun! i mean, actual SUN), i'm about to eat copious amounts of cheetos (carbo-loading for the long days of sleep ahead), and the cell phone is OFF. i'm not usually one to rub it in, but nah nah nah nah nah. i haven't had actual vacation days in ten months.

this was just a courtesy - i'm avoiding the computer too, since it's all i see on any normal day. catch you all monday. don't trust whitey.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

dear lorelai

thank you so much for expressing the apoplexy we were all feeling towards your mommy dearest. "shut up" dispelled, for me, the umpteen times i've come to grief over her meddling, self-righteousness, and abuse of the hired help. kudos to you.

although "fuck off" would have been more cathartic. i know - network tv, family programming, the wb, fcc, not in your nature, on and on and on.

i also applaud your self-awareness (very phizzesque); loathing the fact that emily interferes with your life on a constant basis while you make conscious efforts to avoid doing so to rory, even when you think that her college dating habits are questionable.

and if you would, please ask your namesake to drink more. she's in college for the love of pete. drinking and promiscuity are the cornerstones of a healthy college experience, ivy league or not.


gg fan club member #134,580

supine, of course i sing along with the theme song. every week.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

crack rock candy mountain

i saw something horrible last night. it was a burger king commercial featuring hootie (sans the blowfish) as a gay cowboy, singing "big rock candy mountain" (bluegrass song that i know from o brother where art thou) with new and incredibly lame lyrics touting a sandwich. there were dallas cowboy cheerleaders, milk maids, roads made of styrofoam cheese, and brooke burke. i thought i was on acid (i WISHED i was on acid).

i haven't eaten at burger king in four years, but the commercials are really freaking me out. there was the one with the fake plastic king that was... strange. it made me want to lock my doors and destroy all my dolls, not eat a burger.

i don't have dolls. who said i did? they're goddamned liars.

but i think the crazy hootie-the-blowfish homo cowboy ad is worse than the plastic king one. it's like something doctor moreau would have put together if he worked in marketing.

Monday, March 07, 2005

so very tired

in order to quash my recently-rising ego (something i'm not used to) i'm going to lay off deifying myself for a while and try to avoid the icarus crash. i don't know how to take compliments. i get uncomfortable. so, back to the usual self-deprecation.

this weekend was pretty resplendent, which means i didn't do thing one jack squat. march is chronic fatigue awareness month, and as such i'm taking off thursday and friday this week. i am in need of a nice four-day holiday in which familial socialization is not involved. it's not a true holiday when you have social obligations and have to be "on" all the time.

plus last week was really a bitch.

so everyone try and avoid the chronic fatigue. remember your c's: caffeine, cola, crack, coffee, couches, cocaine, catnaps, comas.

Friday, March 04, 2005

the tenets of phizzics

so sayeth phizz, go forth and bestow upon the worldly ignorami the knowledge and principles contained herein:
  • "ignorami" is a word, so says i
  • be courteous, offer the reach-around
  • sleep, procrastinate, debase thyself, and be otherwise lazy
  • exercise is evil - your body is only to provide you with pleasure
  • drink everything
  • physical consciousness is the hobgoblin of worker bees
  • let thine freak flag fly
  • republicans are bizzarro samaritans
  • organized religion hath given "god" a bad name
  • xanax is the phizznit
  • the beast with two backs is goodly and godly
  • question everything, help everyone, be free of want
  • rest thine lips upon my cockles
  • humility is the essence of cool
  • hubris will come around to bite thine ass
  • thou art forever significant, and unique
  • a rich man (woman) is an evil man (woman)
  • make fuck, not war
  • paris hilton will die painfully and alone
  • give head til it hurts
  • productivity is for losers
  • cornhole not lest ye be cornholed
  • this, above all, to thine own self sniff glue
  • reality tv - whiskey tango foxtrot
  • self-awareness is the essence of phizzics

now, memorize and practice this lexicon, loyal followers. the path to true righteousness lies in contextual morality and altruism. and my pants.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

no prick for little billy

our redneck supreme court (clarence thomas too. actually, clarence thomas especially) finally deemed it unconstitutional to execute children. what a moral victory. i think the only other countries that still enforce state-sponsored executions of minors are china, iran, pakistan, and saudi arabia. some of our best friends right?

did anyone know the supreme court only banned the execution of the mentally retarded three years ago? i didn't.

it's a step in the right direction, and for that i'm glad. but why did it take until 2005 to reverse an obviously unjust practice?

it's dumbfounding how so many people in our country inexorably cling to these archaic practices that are completely unnecessary and simian in the modern age. capital punishment should be done away with entirely. our courts tell someone that killing a person is wrong, and as punishment we kill them? what kind of ackwards-bass hypocritical bunch of crusty white people populate our country these days?

abortion is wrong because it's murder, but capital punishment and war is okay? we should "defy tyranny" abroad (whatever) but allow it to propagate in our own country? any organization that has the word "truth" or "fair and balanced" in its name is usually a source of spin (see: swift boat veterans and fox "news")? we support the troops by denying them armor and blaming them for taking orders to torture people?

what the fuck is going on? is it 1984?

something else i want to float out there:
  • modern conservatism is all about being a dick
  • liberals are all about NOT being a dick

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

fight for your right to potty

heysoose h. christ i am sleepy. i slept from 6:00 yesterday to almost 7 this morning and i'm still wiped. it's probably the weekend alcohol and related activities (llamas, plungers, gas masks, the usual weekend fare) that are just catching up with me. and it's all exacerbated by my having a buttload of menial work to do today. intense malaise my friends, intense malaise.

if, however, i were to look on the positive side of things (which i am not apt to do) i could take some solace in my nice little xanax hangover, and also that george bush's support for his social security plan has dipped to 38%. that george, what a mischievous little scallawag he is.

other great nuggets from the poll:
  • 47% of those polled trusted the democratic party to deal with the issue of social security benefits, while 37% trusted republicans
  • 75% held a favorable opinion of the aarp, which has taken a lead role in opposing the president's plan.
  • 87% had doubts that the president would be able to find his own ass with two hands and a flashlight
  • 31% said they'd choose death-by-guillotine for paris hilton, while 69% preferred some sort of venereal disease
  • 53% considered math a "theory", while 45% said it was fact. 2% wrote in the answer "derp"

does the social security issue bore you? well, asshole, it's going to be todays 20 to 40 year-olds who are going to get butt-fucked by our beloved ever-braying jackass president's "plan". that's right - i'm going to get raped when i go senile (which should be a pretty smooth transition for me). i want to have good drugs when i get old! i want sponge baths and catheters! daytime television dammit! food i don't have to chew!