Friday, October 28, 2005

ways to earn money working for yourself

  • day trader
  • loan shark
  • sports gambling
  • shoplifting
  • pyramid scheme
  • take surveys online!
  • sealing envelopes
  • prostitute
  • children's daycare (need pediasure)
  • elderly daycare (need regular ensure)
  • grow/sell pot in closet
  • sell black market babies
  • donate bodily fluids (my precious bodily fluids)
  • learn to knit, sell knitting
  • secret shopper
  • unlicensed discount surgeon

Thursday, October 27, 2005

harbinger of an ill-fitting profession

i was brainstorming subjects that interest me enough to write articles about and it took me 16 ideas before my current profession (IT, i guess) made the list. i'm sitting here just spitballing, randomly thinking of what entertains me or what may interest me, and my own fucking job never entered my mind. I'M AT MY JOB RIGHT NOW and it never dawned on me that this, THIS, is something i'm interested in.

the emphasis in my life needs to slowly (or abruptly) begin shifting towards quality, simply put. take your own advice and do what you love, you stupid fuck.

i'm a lazy fucknad. for reasons unbeknownst to me i experience great difficulty forcing myself to change. and i'm not at all averse to change, or afraid of it. quite the contrary. i'm just inherently lazy.

all i want is to set my own hours and not have to leave the house. who wants to sponsor me? reebok? centennial? wal-mart (probably not considering all the wal-mart bashing i do)?

i'm not supposed to be this, nick-burns-your-company's-computer-guy, i'm supposed to be hunter s. thompson. i want to be hunter s. thompson.


is it wrong that i want to see katie couric in one of those interracial pornographic-type films? i can't explain exactly why. maybe because she's one of the first things i see in the morning? gentlemen, we know how things are when we first wake up... or maybe that's just me. mostly i believe it's because i'd like to see her debased down to the level of a mere animal, since the questions she asks in interviews are about as hard-hitting as (insert ike turner simile here) and i hate placating, softball-lobbing "journalists". porn's the only thing these types are good for. plus it's never going to happen and sexily out of context.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

die 2K

with 2,000 american soldiers now killed in iraq i have to ponder (yet again) what the fiddly fuck we are doing there. what's the mission we're trying to accomplish?

kool-aid suckers say we have to "finish the mission" in order to honor the troops already dead. first of all, noone can say what that mission is. establish a democracy? spread freedom? should freedom be something that has to be forced on a society?

second, people want to honor the dead by killing more? our presence in iraq (and the middle east in general) is only counter-productive to that country forming its own government, let alone a democracy.

in my view iraq can't be a democracy. the country is split threefold between the kurds, shiites and sunnis, none of which will be able to coexist peacefully if they feel under-represented in the new government and constitution. iraq will either split into three different countries or remain in a state of perpetual civil war.

is it a civil war now? i would say no; it seems more that the insurgent attacks are still directed mainly at the american presence and iraqis trying to support the americans. the goal is probably to maintain the disorder and violence until enough popular sentiment in the u.s. and around the world forces our government to withdraw.

hillary clinton said that we should send more forces there. i like hillary, but that's insane. it's all just a little bit of history repeating. you'll never kill an idea by just killing insurgents.

moving the cheese

i perpetually revise my blogroll. it's nothing personal if i remove you from it, i just like change. you read one blog for a while and eventually you may lose interest (or not, depending). i certainly understand it when people get bored with me -- i got bored with myself in 1989. frankly i don't even know whose blogrolls i may or may not be on, so i definitely don't care when i get the boot.

point being, don't take it personally. i love you all. except you phillip, you're an arse.

nazi pedophile bait

i just read the most fascinating article about two twin olsen-esque girl pop singers who happen to be nazis. "lamb" and "lynx" are home-schooled by their mother and like to spread the good word of aryan dogma. their website reads:

Prussian Blue in simple terms are Lynx and Lamb, twin girls from California, with great musical talents However they are not just talented girls, they are also charming and loving sisters.
charming and loving? so they're the aryan equivalent of the "self-hating jew" -- the "self-adoring nazi". some lyrics from "aryan man awake":

When the man who plows the fields is driven from his lands. When the carpenter must give away what he's built with his own hands. When a mother's only children belong to her no more. And black masked men with guns come bashing down the doors. Where freedom exists for only those with darker skin. Where lies and propaganda will never let you win. Where symbols of your heritage are held with such contempt, and benefits of country 'cept tax are you exempt .
all their songs are fraught with poetic and symbolic references to the white man's burden. some of the prose is actually good, although the subject matter renders it completely abhorrent.

i doubt they'll be playing any katrina relief concerts in the near future.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

stick it, to the man

i'm peeved that the pictures i include in my posts work for one day then just disappear. it's very disconcerting.

rosa parks died. i don't think i'd have had the nads to tell whitey to fuck off if i were in her shoes at that time. i tell alot of people to fuck off these days, but never does it have rammifications for real positive change.

the boss made me take my earrings out. i put these stupid training-bra earrings for 13-year old girls in instead. where's my "fuck off" courage now moses, eh?

Monday, October 24, 2005


i'm awake, at work, irritable, not likely to get sexual relations, my phone is dead, and it's monday so already my day sucks. if i had heroin or ecstacy now would be the time to imbibe. i'm going to wal-mart this afternoon (which also makes for a crappy mood) and am buying "arrested development" season 2, my panacea.

Friday, October 21, 2005

friday freaks

file under: acrimony

a little disclaimer: hot or not is, of course, mostly bullshit. i realize that the majority of pictures submitted to the site are jokes, however, i like pretending. i choose to treat it seriously because it's funnier that way. yes, i know that the ratings are bullshit and the pictures are bullshit and the whole thing is a big bulshitty sham. but my life is joyless, so don't tread on me for having an active imagination.

i chose to juxtapose these three pictures because, believe it or not ripley, they all received the same rating: 6.6. would anyone else give the first girl anything below a 9? it's probably the most gorgeous picture i've seen on the site, but i guess she didn't show enough skin. to the other two ladies ("ladies") -- two-pieces are not for everyone. i guess if you've got it then flaunt it. but otherwise keep it chained in the basement.

eat cake! eat a goddamned cheeseburger! eat food that comes in a bucket! stop buying ex-lax and cigarettes and artificial sweeteners, and fucking carbo-load for god's sake! i can't really tell how old this girl is so it's possible she's only 13ish (in which case i swear she told me otherwise), but damn female. stop idolizing little katie moss and chasing the carpenter's dream (flat as a board, easy to nail). real women have curves.

(right) oh... oh... holy freaking god, no. i'm not sure how to articulate my feelings about this so i'll just write down the phrases going through my mind for some odd reason: come on sally you know you want me, all of that and a bag of crap, gotta light, i'll suck this dick i'll suck that dick i'll suck anything that moooooooves, want it to get weird sweetpants, i'll punch my mother, i don't give a fuck, i'll punch you in the face right now, let's play football, where's my baby, does this look infected.

what i want from you shaylene is to pose like a blowup doll as best you can. keep the mouth open, put on too much lipstick, try to get a glazed look in your eyes. men are inherently afraid of intellectual women so also incessantly repeat the word "derrr" in your mind and hopefully your face will convey the sentiment. make love to the camera. work it work it work it.

(right) i don't visit hot or not to jerk off or anything (that's what is for), but a little advice to the fairer sex: if you're trying to turn a man on with your picture, don't take it with your baby. don't take it with ANY baby. men are afraid of children and all you're doing is reminding us that sex has horrible horrible consequences (responsibility, that is). an infant in the picture takes the yowsers out of the trousers faster than thinking about baseball or harriet miers. or harriet miers playing baseball. how about della reese with honey mustard on her face? barbara bush tap dancing? john ashcroft singing "let the eagle soar"?

great. now i'll never get an erection again. thanks alot girl-with-baby. i know, there was a pretty good chance i'd never make use of an erection again anyway.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

real delay mugshot

that's right tom! smile! you're going to be getting all kinds of forced sexual pleasure from your priapismic cell mate.

tom delay (fake) mugshot

*real mugshot coming soon

the li'l'est exterminator

file under: politics

happy 9th birthday to the $5.15 minimum wage. ted kennedy recently tried to pass a bill increasing it but it was voted down 51-47. at least all the democrats voted for it. sorry gas station attendants -- you're stuck with your $10,000-per-year earnings. good luck with that. i heard somewhere that the adjusted-for-inflation minimum wage in 2005 should be $7.00+ an hour. but that would expand the middle class, and we can't have that in this elitist society of ours.

tom delay was issued an arrest warrant. i've been looking all over the web for the pdf file or a picture of it, to no avail. the man i call the "the li'l'est exterminator" is going to have to have a mugshot taken. i'm hoping for something along the lines of nick nolte after a bender. that picture will not only go in my shrine to universal justice, but i'm also going to go to kinko's and make thousands of copies to plaster on my apartment walls.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

dick, spread your cheeks and lift your sack

file under: politics

the big independent investigation into the valerie plame leak seems to be coming to a head, and most analysts and pundits agree that indictments are coming soon. it seems pretty sure-fire that karl rove and scooter libby are effed in the A, but i've also heard pillow talk that the vice president himself may be indicted.

speculation has it that the indictments may be handed down this week, but i've also heard that it is equally likely that the climax will happen on monday. this makes me extremely happy with the universe, and here's why:

monday is my birthday. the big 2-7. normally i don't tout my birthday because i'm averse to shameless self-promotion of any kind and soliciting congratulatory sentiments, but if rove, libby, and especially cheney went down on my birthday it would signify to me that i am doing something right in my life. karma will have rewarded me.

kurt cobain, jimi hendrix, janis joplin, and jim morrison all committed suicide at 27. since i'm a misunderstood genius on the same par (*wink), here's hoping i see 28. maybe i'll just keep turning 27 for the next several years.

Monday, October 17, 2005

what i hate about air travel

the waiting, my god, the waiting: waiting in line to check in, then to have your bag sifted through by security, then to be screened before entering the terminal, then at the gate for the plane to board, then for the plane to taxi, takeoff, land, and taxi some more, then to get off the plane, then for your bag at baggage claim. it is torture.

other travelers: generally what i despise most about anything is the way people fuck things up. people are naturally inconsiderate (in my experience) and tend to white-trash everything they happen upon. gone are the days when air travel was for businesspeople and well-to-do's; it is now fraught with wal-mart patrons. a, let's say "scruffy", man in the seat across from me on one flight took off his shoes, and socks, then put his shoes back on his bare feet. nothing like adding the foul odor of ignorance to the claustrophobic environment of a plane. mmmm... recycled air... arrggghhhhhh.

suitcases that roll: being inconsiderate as they are, people with luggage that they can pull behind them always misjudge their girth and plow into me with their bag. i end up looking like a high hurdler when trapsing through an airport terminal.

price: i don't like the price of flying.

closed windows on the plane: it's nerve-wracking not to mention inconvenient to be about to land and not know when to brace yourself. i'm an admitted hater of the sun and its light, but on the plane i want to look out the fucking window like everyone else. how often do i get 10,000 feet up without ingesting chemicals? not bloody very.

paranoia: everyone looks at everyone else wondering if they're a terrorist. i do it to, subconsciously. airports used to be fun -- you'd see the most interesting-looking people and wonder where they came from and where they're going. now i see exotic garb and imagine how best to kick this person in the nads (although there aren't many different ways to do that).

airport drinks: expensive as all fuck. for christmas last year in houston i hat three double crown-on-the-rocks and spent a little over $50.00. it's extortion when you think about it -- they scare the fuck out of you with the prospect of a fiery death and then gouge the prices on sweet sweet liquor.

airport anything: not just alcohol, everything is over-priced. duty-free my titty.

what i like about air travel

Sunday, October 16, 2005

and happy boss's day

yes i know, i've been johnny-no-post lately. i'm in san antonio visiting my parents. my brother in the navy earned his pilot's wings this weekend so i came for the ceremony. free uncle sam hooch -- what could be better.

it completely boggles my mind that my little brother is going to be flying fighter jets. i consider it a productive day personally if i clean out my cat's shit box and avoid getting drunk. it's a comparative nightmare.

but i'll get over it. i'll take solace in my new iPod 30G. here's some reasons why it completely kicks the nano's bony ass:
  • holds fifteen (15) times as much music
  • if you saw how small the 30G actually is you would understand the uselessness of the nano
  • literally the size of a deck of cards
  • 15 hour battery life, so 15 hours to avoid conversation with strangers
  • seemingly infinite selection of accessories and adapters
the saints of new orleans are playing a home game here in san antonio today versus the falcons. from what my parents tell me the game is sold out. people in this city are apparently pretty excited about the prospect of having a pro football team here.

the san antonio santos? the san antonio chicas? the san antonio san antonians? the "qualcom in association with at&t presents the san antonio football kickers"?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

thank harry for harriet

file under: politics

this whole harriet miers thing has been wonderful for me. conservatives are turning on each other -- it's become the bush loyalists versus the social conservatives who assumed their support during the election would ensure pro-life supreme court nominees. now they're finally realizing what the rest of us have known for some time -- that bush and his cronies are concerned only with maintaining power and increasing their own fortunes and those of corporations who supported their campaigns.

bush can't put a person on the supreme court who would want to fully overturn roe v. wade; it would be political suicide for the republican party. one, even the majority of evangelicals and christians don't want it overtunred. two, the republicans have used it advantageously as a hot-button issue in campaigns forever. if roe were overturned the republican party would not with another national election for 30 years.

on fox news sunday morning i watched as bill kristol and brit hume, two conservatives and despicable human beings, go after each other over whether miers is a good nomination. when anne coulter goes on bill maher's show and criticizes the president for his nominee you know the house of usher is sinking into the mud.

so why did bush nominate this person? how could he not know what controversy it would stir among his own people? i've heard that it may be because karl rove (the brain) has been distracted by his forthcoming indictment and didn't point out what an obvious political mistake it would be. i'm sure this played a hand.

my belief is that the credit all goes to harry reid. i remember bush saying how he met with several democratic senators (reid included) and that one suggestion was that he find somebody who had never been a judge. i think harry reid suggested this to bush, knowing that he would pick a woman to replace sandra day o'connor and/or someone enmeshed in his own personal circle, as he is always wont to do.

so reid manipulates the predictable bush into shooting himself in the foot. harry reid proved that he is an extremely savvy politician during the social security reform debate, and personally i'm going to give the credit for this one to him. just my theory.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

hope they don't walk

a 64-year old black man in new orleans beaten by three white new orleans police officers -- was it racially motivated? OF COURSE it was racially motivated. this is the deep south, the bible belt. the stereotype of the good ol' boy beer-bellied southern cop is alive and well.

the victim says he wasn't drinking when the beating took place. i don't believe him, but i don't care. what legitimate reason do three cops have to beat anyone that badly? three full-grown men kneeling on top of a single man generally render that man incapacitated, right? what could warrant repeatedly striking him to the point of leaving blood on the sidewalk?

stress? who in america ISN'T stressed about something right now? we work more days without vacation than almost any other country, we're at war (remember, war?), noone has a job, noone has medical coverage, we can't afford to drive anywhere, and mother nature seems to be on the rag for us.

everybody's stressed out. a scant few feel the need to beat an old man as a result.

moo, honey

a.d.2 drops today! look how hip i am, using "drop". like it's hot.

last night i dreamt i was a high school farm boy. my parents' house was very posh but we could never enjoy it because the fields needed tending. if you don't know, i hate agriculture. nothing depresses me more than the notion of having to "bring in" a crop or feeding barnyard sheep. i loathe farm culture -- country music, pickup trucks (i drove one to school in my dream), cowboy hats, cowboys, tractors, sunlight, bugs, boots, all of it. even driving by a farm or a sugar cane field makes me uncomfortable.

maybe sugar cane fields in louisiana will become less prevalent in the future. thanks, cafta.

so, why the farm dream. i fell asleep to the weather channel, maybe there was a farm report on at some time. or my subconscious wants more vegetables in my diet (i just ate a bag of potato chips, fuck).

you know you're getting old when: an extended warranty excites you. something could go wrong with this expensive piece of equipment, but i don't have to worry about it for 2 years.

Friday, October 07, 2005

friday freaks

the hot or not site is too much fun, i'm sorry. it's going to be a weekly thing along the lines of flamingo's friday random ten. frankly it's a formatting nightmare to crop and upload all of these pictures then combine them into one post, but it makes the "work" day go by quicker. all these people get ones.

my golden rule of profile pictures: two-piece swimsuits, daisy-duke shorts and gils-gone-wild trucker caps dictate only narcissism and slutterdom (trademarked word). give me hardcore porn any day -- twice on sunday -- but don't show me evidence that (allegedly) real-life people have that little respect for themselves. at least try to get some advertising dollars out of it! for fuck's sake.

i've found the inspiration for ursula the sea hag from "the little mermaid". my aunt has an older copy of the movie on vhs with the penis on the cover. i was going to sell it on ebay but noone seems to want it so i'm going to say that i saw a picture of the virgin mary in the background clouds.

anyway, disgusting. are you wearing something from the roaring twenties? are you a flapper? is it halloween and you went as a gatsby? ever dance the charleston on top of the chrysler building? do you fancy bootleg hooch? bathtub gin?

scrolling through hot-or-not pictures (only females) i sometimes get into a groove where none of the pictures are especially outstanding or shocking and i get complacent. then WHAM, i stumble upon a professional female wrestler with no makeup on, drinking kool-aid on the kitchen floor. she looks surprised that she was taking her own picture.

snuffleupagus! she's stretching out for a one-on-one steel-caged death match with the previous girl. it brings to mind one of fat bastard's lines from austin powers: "ooohhhh look at mah tit-ties! i'm dead sexay". if i had mams like that then maybe i'd be writhing around on the floor with back problems as well.

barf the spaceballs sidekick dog/man is reborn, only with noticeably less grooming. if i had to travel around in a galactic flying winnebago i'd much rather have john candy eating taco bell in the passenger's seat than jabba-the-hut here. she shouldn't have just stood around when they opened the ark of the covenant.

i'll concede that you have a nice body, although you look mean enough to eat my soul, but why paint yourself like a power ranger? it probably took alot of time and effort didn't it?

i've seen naked body art that's interesting and beautiful and creative -- why couldn't you go with one of those designs? did your local crafts store only have three colors of paint? were yellow and periwinkle blue on sale?

maybe she's fulfilling some fantasy of being an action figure. if so i don't recognize the character, maybe someone could help me. japanese anime?

black boxes aside, WHY DOES EVERYONE IN AMERICA HAVE TO LOOK ALIKE? let's all go to pottery barn and buy the same rattan couches, throw-rugs, coffee tables and daybeds then head over to the gap for hip-huggers and shoestring tank-tops right before getting matching makeup and fake tans. then we hit the club and get drunk on hawaiian punch while flipping off a handsome and charming louisiana boy who only wants a friend and wasn't trying to hit on you by innocently slapping your vagina repeatedly. also let's all three get names that rhyme.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

...not lest ye be...

harriet miers is bush's nominee for the supreme court. i don't know thing one about her, save for the fact that she's a woman who's never been a judge. i'd really feel safer having a bad nominee that i know is incompetent in lieu of this woman (better the devil you konw).

i'd do a cartwheel if bush had instead nominated judge reinhold. it would have been great to hear a supreme court justice say "mister if you don't shut up i'm gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!"

or judge joe brown maybe? judge judy? judge dredd? (i AM the law!)

i wouldn't have put any of these choices beyond the president (judgie you're doing a heckuva job).

i don't usually dish on celebrity gossip but this is funny. nicholas cage's wife (alice i think is her name) gave birth to a boy and named him KAL-EL. yes, like superman. kal-el coppola cage. it's not as bad an idea as "city of angels" i guess.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

thirty pieces of silver

i just got this in my inbox. apparently they're giving money to people who are so poor that they can only afford a computer with which to check their e-mail.

the people at the zoo are real nice penguin

i know it's been a rough year -- what with the pullout of gaza and all -- but happy rash hashana to all my jewish friends. since i only have two friends and neither are jewish that doesn't make sense, but mazel tov just the same.

my imaginary friend is a scientologist and he keeps harping on me to stop taking my mood-stabilizers. i've shouted at him so many times to quit bringing it up that from now on i'm just going to bludgeon him in his imaginary nads. that's my purse! i don't know you!

ironically all the nagging and arguing over the issue made me up my dosage.

delay got indicted again! this time for money laundering, which carries with it a possible maximum sentence of LIFE. my sweet lord, the sight of hot tub tom in an orange jumpsuit would just make my year. that picture would serve as my desktop wallpaper until rapture.

Monday, October 03, 2005

balls in the salad shooter en masse

in the preview for this week's episode of "e-ring" kelly rutherford's character says in a dramatic fashion, "let's wake up the president". it was comforting to think that at least the pentagon people were working at 2 p.m. on a tuesday. think about it... wait for it.... THERRRE it is.

incidentally i don't watch "e-ring". i generally boycott anything with jerry bruckheimer's name on it, ever since "pearl harbor" rendered me motionless for a week, speechless for a month and flaccid for a year.

it's been a bad week for republicans, and thus a pretty good one for me. tom delay finally got indicted for all the fund-raising tomfoolery (yes, haha), bill frist is waist-deep in pump-and-dump stock skullduggery, bill bennett wants to to reduce crime by aborting black babies, and "scooter" libby may be going to federal prison for outing a c.i.a. agent.

where's your god now moses, ehh? we should just let them investigate themselves right?

it's going to be interesting to see what information comes out when all of these cosa nostra motherfuckers start singing to save their own asses. no honor among thieves, you know. i hope that the indictments and trials get drawn out so they're still in the minds of the public for the '06 elections. then, if the democrats get the house back the impeachment proceedings can... proceed.

speaking of trials, happy 10th birthday o.j. verdict.

viva la revolution.