Thursday, July 28, 2005

oh. my. god.

summary of daddy, why did jesus kill grandma? from amazon:

God's violent anger is directed toward those who dare to question His perfect love for them. Grandma Jenkins is no exception. One little slip of the tongue on her deathbed secured an eternity of separation from God. Marooned alone in the lake of fire, her only company is a visiting red-finned water demon who sodomizes her from the deep as fire waves crash into her screaming head and burst her wrinkled body into flames.

This beautifully illustrated Christian children's book is grounded in the timeless words of Jesus Christ. Jesus teaches all of his children not to be afraid of the Devil, but to be afraid of God. "But I forewarn you whom ye shall fear." Jesus says in Luke 12:5, "Fear Him, who after he hath killed hath the power to cast into hell." This is sound, true Christian doctrine, grounded in the Holy Bible. Talking to a four-year-old child about God's carefully constructed plan of eternal torture in Hell and His unquenchable thirst for human blood can be difficult, but this book makes it easy and fun!

Remember dear Grandma, who baked so well?
Soon she will be baking - This time in Hell!

Dear Daddy, why Grandma? What did she do?
Don't question it child, or God will GET YOU!

and, on the bottom of the info page on amazon:

Customers who bought titles by Pastor Deacon Fred Smith also bought titles by these authors:
Adolf Hitler
Dr. Rev. Jerry Falwell
President George Bush
Rev. Fred Phelps
Jorgé Luis Borges

i shit you not.

bush clip

a microcosm of the bush administration's policy towards dealing with the press

click on the picture on the page to play the video.

greed is good

i'm so pissed that cafta passed (even though it shouldn't have according to house rules). unmitigated greed.

i know this doesn't interest most people but i don't think most people have a sense of worldliness or empathy for all humans, not just certain ones (say, the oft-maligned and abused ceo).

it's like there's a giant going-out-of-business sale for jobs in this country. we can't seem to get rid of them fast enough.

all of a sudden the world is populated by gordon gekko disciples.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

midsummer night's ream

always entertained by cnn's crack journalistic efforts, i thought today's headlines were especially indicative of how far off the pulse our corporate media's finger is.

Astronauts using robot arm to inspect shuttle Watch
Rumsfeld makes surprise visit to Iraq Watch
Aruba pond drained in search for Natalee Holloway
Elizabeth Smart kidnap suspect ruled incompetent Watch
Forecast: Still hot, really hot Heat wave map Watch
Danny Glover: Latin TV station won't demonize U.S.
Some papers pull 'Doonesbury' over Rove nickname
Plans unveiled for nation's tallest skyscraper

rumsfeld in iraq is newsworthy, but i'm sincerely baffled by "heat" being such an issue in july. the supermodel weather men and women have boldly predicted more heat. isn't it usually hot this time of year? aren't we at war or something? how hot is it in iraq?

and the obligatory pieces about missing pretty white girls and a celebrity name-drop. is danny glover the best we can do right now? where's tom cruise? i hope he's not letting his ego write checks his body can't cash again.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

copper blue

forgive me father for i have sinned, but i don't give a flim-flam-flume about the space shuttle. i am of course all for science and space exploration, but it pushes other more front-pageworthy news to the back burner. just another weapon of moron distraction. obfuscation! robots!

apparently i can't handle any type of sweet alcoholic drink anymore. i tried drinking margaritas this weekend and had to quit after one (-and-a-half pitchers). i can drink crown on ice all night, but can't handle an alcoholic slurpie. ladies, you can have them.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

an r.e.m. dream mix-tape

r.e.m. was the only band i was infatuated with in high school that i'm proud to admit to. aside from them, i was pretty much a radio listener ("radio song" reference there).

favorite r.e.m. albums: fables of the reconstruction, document, new adventures in hi-fi. really though, which one of theirs isn't good.

songs in no particular order:
  1. daysleeper
  2. maps and legends
  3. begin the begin
  4. crush with eyeliner
  5. fall on me
  6. the great beyond
  7. the wake-up bomb
  8. swan swan h
  9. welcome to the occupation
  10. 9-9
  11. monty got a raw deal
  12. so fast, so numb
  13. superman
  14. binky the doormat
  15. the one i love
  16. these days
  17. texarkana
  18. radio free europe
  19. bad day
  20. new test leper
  21. exhuming mccarthy
  22. pop song 89
  23. crazy
  24. toys in the attic

Thursday, July 21, 2005

myopia utopia

look at the shiny kitty america. see how it glitters and dangles hypnotically, swinging to and fro, dancing as a leaf caught in a gust. you MUST gaze at it intently, YOU must gaze at it intenly, you must GAZE at it intently.

the president's supreme court nominee is a quick pick meaning to draw attention from the blatant trainwreck that is karl rove. they know that they're unequivocally screwed, and when the glorious day comes that rove is, as joe wilson says, "frog-marched" out of the white house i will be sitting naked on the floor of my living room in front of my big-screen tv eating chicken out of a bucket and rubbing butter on myself in between bong hits. oh happy day.

but they are a crafty bunch. consider that rove is the main reason that the republicans have the white house, congress and supreme court (he has his dirty fingers in all kinds of pies), and nothing is out of the realm of possibility about what they'll do to preserve themselves.

and the rove scandal is just the edge of the wedge when you put it in the greater context of what this administration did to make the case for war in iraq, upon which we spend $5 billion a month. and all the deaths. people dying is bad, mmkay.

make sure you peruse the news people. they smile to your face, the back-stabbers.

sign the air america petition to fire karl rove

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

i could lick bob schieffer's balls

said by bob schieffer (who has played golf with the president in the past) on face the nation sunday:
Instead of appointing a special prosecutor, what if the president had just called in his top people in the beginning of all this and said, "Folks, we have a problem here. I need to know who's been talking to Bob Novak and I need to know today by the end of business?" That's what presidents used to do, and they're usually pretty good at finding out when they really want to know.

Not many people had the nerve to lie to Lyndon Johnson when he looked them in the eye, and Richard Nixon figured out early on who Deep Throat was, and now we know from Woodward and Bernstein that on that one Nixon was right.

Instead, this White House did what it usually does when challenged: It went into attack mode, called charges that the White House had leaked the name ridiculous, and allowed the controversy to boil until a special prosecutor had to be appointed. Now two years and millions of tax dollars later, the president's trusted friend and strategist Karl Rove has emerged as the top suspect, and we're left to wonder: Can anything said from the White House podium be taken at face value, or does the White House just deny automatically anything that reflects badly on it?

This could and should have been dealt with inside the White House long before it reached the special prosecutor level. Instead, the president's people followed the modern public relations rule, "Never admit a mistake, just do what is necessary to kill the story before it kills you," which often works. What they are learning, though, is that when that involves tearing down the character of your critics, it can also be very dangerous business.

Monday, July 18, 2005

slavery worksongs precipitated jazz

familiarity breeds contempt, and creativity is gleaned in large part from misery. so do people experiencing repeated minutia produce the best art?

it's probably not repeated activity that leads to depression so much as the repetition of mundane and/or loathed activity. also you have to take into account whether an individual is more left- or right-brained, chemical imbalances (although maverick says fie) and a host of other variables. the cliche about how the best art stems from suffering is a cliche for a reason.

it's the tortured artist, not the happy-elated-optimistic artist. of course there are no broad brushes (maybe with painters, HA) and not all creatives are sad or suffering, but in large part probably so. elliott smith stabbed himself in the heart, van gogh cut off his ear, myriad drug overdoses from great musicians (shannon hoon being my own greatest lament), and all sorts of other self-deprecation from great artists.

i don't know what my point is with this little diatribe, except maybe the albastrosses consistent with typical american (and other "civilized" societal) life are conducive to repitition, dissatisfaction, and therefore good art.

i'm just spitballing.

also, those who say "people who are left-brained aren't in their right minds" ought to be shot, even though it's true. to me it's tantamount to saying "oooh somebody has a case of the mondays".

Thursday, July 14, 2005

philosophical: progression

i like to ponder the bigger picture and scope of things - more the forest than the trees, you know. i don't know why i started tihnking about this but i'm sure it has something to do with politics.

it's hard to deal with issues you formerly had some sort of hold on, or had some sense of certainty about. there's an adlai stevenson quote about how we wish we knew anything as surely as we used to know everything (google it, i'm lazy). it's hard dealing with life's tangibles, and realizing that certain beliefs you harbor are illusory.

like realizing that santa claus isn't real, or that your girlfriend has a torrid sexual past, or the importance of money (and thereby how large the role of greed plays in the world). i imagine it's the same difficulty fathers have when their daughters start to date.

but all of these are just facts of life and shouldn't bother us. the only things that truly matter are intangible. it's regressive to try to cling to antiquated notions that place more importance on tradition than evolution (scientific and societal).

think about slavery, civil rights, human rights, homosexuality, stem cell research, science in general, sex ed, and a plethera of other things. the universe invariably tilts towards justice and liberalism prevails, but there are always people who try to prevent the inevitable, and i don't understand that.

when you find out santa isn't real why would you try to keep pretending? is illusory bliss better than progression? i can't think so, but obviously many do. i'm just trying to understand the rationale.

more concern about that nefarious "root cause" that is treated prejudicially these days...

maybe it's just emotional immaturity that disallows even smart people the ability to adapt and realize that there are no absolutes. you have to realize that existence is never stagnant, it is always evolving, and it's useless and a waste of time to try to prevent progress.

nibb high football rules.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

joys of parenthood

i came up with a new diet to add to my weight loss methods. it's called the cat crap diet. essentially, you get a cat (or several, depending on how much weight you need to lose), feed it nothing but dairy products and table food, put its litter box in the kitchen and just TRY to brave the eminations en route to the fridge. guess where the inspiration for this idea came from.

Monday, July 11, 2005

what i want for christmas

i hear alot that democrats have no plan for securing the nation, that all they do is lambaste the president's doctrine of pre-emption (which i don't believe is a doctrine so much as the excuse du alternative agenda) and criticize.

this isn't true, of course - several democratic senators have suggested more effective ways of going about securing the "homeland" (zig hile). here's my offerance for what we should be doing instead of spending $5 billion a day in iraq:

  • actually provide significant funding to the department of homeland security
  • fix the c.i.a. - get rid of the yes-men and put smart, impartial analysts there that aren't afraid of giving the president the truth
  • secure our sea ports, screen cargo
  • start screening cargo on foreign and domestic flights
  • increase state and local funding for first responders (police, firefighters, emt's, etc.)
  • reduce dependence on foreign oil - promote and fund research for alternative energy
  • fix the u.s. coast guard, the ships of which are extremely in need of upgrades and who are intrical in protecting our borders
  • secure loose nukes (who said that?), lead by example in reducing our own stockpiles
  • sign kyoto treaty
  • increase aid to africa and other areas - poverty, want, and desperation are root causes of terrorism
  • make sanctions against countries that are ACTUALLY guilty of human rights violations - pakistan, saudi arabia, north korea, the sudan, etc.
  • secure all mass transit systems - increase security personnel, screen
  • lick my taint clean so i don't go postal

worlds apart

Saturday, July 09, 2005

nominee for song of the year thus far

...and you will know us by the trail of dead - worlds apart

the only time i will ever post poetry on my blog is when i really like a song's lyrics. these i like - listen and read along:

Random lost souls have asked me
What's the future of Rock' n' Roll?"
I say "I don't know, does it matter?"

This and that scene,
they sound all the same to me
neither much worse nor much better.

We're so fucked these days
we don't know who to hate and who to praise
consider that suffering and pain

When we're so privileged, a fact
we forget about as
we go whinging all over the place.

How they laughed as we shoveled the ashes
wrath hath soured.
Blood and death, we will pay back the debt
of this candy store of ours.

Look at those cunts on MTV
with cars and cribs and rings and shit.
Is that what being celebrity means?

Look boys and girls, heres BBC.
See corpses, rapes, and amputees.
What do you think now of the American dream?

And our soccer moms and dads who raised
us brats on those TV ads
I know that they sleep at night.

Their conscience is intact.
They've convinced themselves of that,
giving money to Jesus fucking H. Christ.

How they laugh as we shoveled the ashes
of the twin towers.
Blood and death, we will pay back the debt
of this candy store of ours.

Friday, July 08, 2005

bass ackwards

american neo-conservatism requires that you only care when fellow white people with a relatable culture are affected, and even then they don't REALLY care. they just showboat and feign concern in order to further their own agenda of fear and following the party line; they are republicans first, americans second, and human beings third, if at all.

i'm not talking about ALL republicans, just the ones in the white house and senate and house and on fox news. they know who they are. or maybe they dont - self-delusion is their art.

nor do i think ALL democrats are noble. there is more than enough fault to find in the democratic party of today. i will say, however, that the problem with democrats is one of communication, whereas the problem with republicans is chronic inhumanity.

hundreds die in africa every day (one every three seconds), not to mention the innocents in iraq (at our own hand), but the headlines are only reserved for 40 or so people dying in a single terrorist act in london? not to make light of the attack - it's heinous - but why not cover death indiscriminately? i guess if they're not white and don't have our oil under their feet then we don't care.

since the attacks here in the u.s. our government has done the. worst. possible. thing. every. step. of. the. way.

iraq is now a haven for terrorists to train against the (supposedly, formerly) finest army in the world. are we still fighting them there so that they won't fight us here? how can anyone convisnce themselves that this is true, especially now?

i heard this analogy on the radio: it's like we got stung by a bee and retaliated by hitting the beehive with a bat, and now that we're getting stung multiple times we just need to use a bigger bat, and problem solved.

everything that has happened is BLOWBACK. terrorist attacks don't happen in a vaccuum. do people HONESTLY believe that they "hate our freedom"? corky thatcher could figure out that this is complete bunk.

maybe we should have abstained from putting bases on their holy land, or pilfering their natural resources (mining every drop of our sweet freedom that somehow wound up under their feet).

terrorists, the media and the (current) administration all have the same agenda: keep us afraid. through the attacks extremists try to drive a wedge between muslims and the rest of the world, newscasts increase their ratings, and our politicians secure paranoia votes while distracting from their corruption.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

but is joe strummer okay?

it's a good thing we took the fight to iraq so we wouldn't have to fight terrorists elsewhere eh? central front on terror eh? war on a tactic: a) unwinnable and illusory b) will never have a "front", or a back. or an ass that we can kick.

who else we can bomb because of this... all countries who feel safe from u.s. invasion step forward not so fast iran. i blame homosexuals.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005


i caught only a snippet of a 4th of july special on abc sunday night, hosted by jeff foxworthy and featuring such rising stars as hillary duff and jesse mccartney. george and laura were there, along with some other political bigwigs. it was great to see cutaways from hillary duff (OBVIOUSLY) lipsyncing to george enjoying the teenie-pop performance. or bill frist's reaction to jesse mccarthey. thoughts permeating my head at the time:
  • is this the apocalypse
  • did dr. moreau produce this
  • why am i watching this
  • why am i conscious
  • what type of person enjoys this type of program
  • must kill self at first sign that i enjoy this
  • is it monday yet
  • the duff doesn't dance, so why the lipsyncing? oh right, she can't sing
  • must get self on american idol somehow - need money
  • must hurt self

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

fwd: joke

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. I assumed you had stolen the car."

Monday, July 04, 2005

hubris on the global scale

i read this quote from the op-ed page of the local rag:
Reflect today on our freedoms, and on the responsibilities they bring. Then celebrate. Let it be a day that is uplifting and joyful in its patriotism and national unity.

shouldn't we reflect every day on freedom and responsibility, and patriotism? i try to. it's heartening though to know that at least one day out of the year the population at large does as well, and to see people reveling in their views that it's the greatest day in the history of the world (quoted from the same rag).

forgive me if i'm a tad soured on americapride these days. i'm just not willing to stick my head in the sand and pretend things are rosy in order to boost my own ego or beat my national chest, or whatever the reason is that people do it.

at any rate, god bless what the u.s.a. is supposed to be.

Friday, July 01, 2005

regarding premarital sex

i'm all for it, but i'm completely against the institution of marriage in general.

i often say that lafayette would be a great place to live if it weren't for all the people. good ideas are always spoiled when you factor in human nature.

organized religion seems like a great thing, but look at the scandals and wars and conflicts that arise because of human infallibility and abuse of the system. marriage seems great; commitment and love and family and all that crap, but people drag it through the mud with infidelity and divorce and pettiness.

as it is with government - capitalism seems like an ideal economic model but look how corrupt it can become when people abuse it (especially apparent of late). communism, socialism, marxism are all great ideas, but they would never or never have worked because of man. and woman.

all these ideals that people strive for are virtuous and noble, but they're also total illusions and utterly impractical. a perfect example - christo-fascists (to differentiate from all christians, most christians are good) preach abstinance only. great idea, sounds 100% sure-fire.

oh, no, wait... kids wanna fuck. the promise of hell isn't going to dissuade them, and when they make the beast they're going to do it unsafely. great job on sticking to your principles though. make sure to be understanding with your newly-pregnant chlamydia-ridden teen.

this is my analogy: pedestrians typically always have the right-of-way when crossing the street at crosswalks, so does that mean that when you're traversing the road you don't have to check to see if a car is coming? of course not. wrap the drapery of correctness about you when you lay down dead, it should be great consolation.

and when did monogamy become contingent upon a church ceremony and a certificate? it seems to me that all that does is put undo pressure on relationships, which are difficult enough as it is. it's like when you tell a child that they can play with any toy except THAT toy - which one are they going to want to play with the most? it's the forbidden fruit curse.

when people ask me if i support gay marriage i say no because i don't support marriage at all. but i'm not going to try to force people into doing or not doing something because it's my personal belief. who the fuck am i?

people trying to legislate their religious beliefs need to get over themselves. and suck my fat one.

this is my new favorite song. the album is a little disappointing.