Friday, April 29, 2005

it's a boy

last night i adopted a kitten. my plan was to start out with something simpler to take care of - say, a pet rock. then i would move on to a plastic plant, then a real plant, a goldfish, a wino, then a cat. but i skipped some steps. i was too eager to train it to be evil and do my bidding, and i needed an audience forthright.

no pictures yet, i woke up too late this morning to upload them from my camera. no name yet either, but he's white with grey ears and a grey tail, blue eyes. here's an impromptu short list of monikers i'm considering:
  • nietzsche
  • ghengis
  • uber
  • corky thatcher
  • romper-stomper
  • titty
  • wu-tang
  • osama

i'm leaning towards "uber" because i really like the idea of talking to my cat with a german accent. it will perpetuate the evilness which i will try to instill in him. i can call him a shizer head.

if you think it's effeminate of me to get a cat, then just suck my fat one.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

VATICAN CITY - In a turn of events that stunned Vatican officials, U.S. President George W. Bush has been named to succeed John Paul II as the next leader of the Catholic Church.

For the first time in history, the College of Cardinals employed electronic voting machines to select the next Supreme Pontiff.

Bush won by a margin of 2,528 votes, despite the fact that only 115 Cardinals took part in the process. The machines, which were last used in the 2004 Ohio presidential election also registered 27 votes for Democratic candidate John Kerry.

"It's a miracle!" cried Kenneth Blackwell, spokesperson for voting manufacturer Diebold Corporation. "God has spoken."

Supporters of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, whom early exit polls had leading by a comfortable margin in the voting, demanded a recount. But Blackwell said the voting machines, which had been modified to emit a plume of white smoke when a plurality was reached, are unable to produce a paper audit trail, rendering a recount impossible.

When informed of his victory, President Bush expressed surprise. "I was not aware I was running for the popecy," he said. "I wish people would tell me these things."

However, he added that he would be "honored and privileged to serve as Supreme Pontoon for the rest of my natural life, or until I die, whichever comes first."

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

when people stop being polite...

someone, on their blog, chided me for cursing on mine.

if i feel compelled to expand my vocabulary by using expletives, what's wrong with that? i am often an irritated and passionate individual, and at appropriate times i wish to convey emotion through language. if fuck, cunt, cock, rimjob, dickhole, republican, etc. are at my disposal then why not make hay?

if you don't like it, you don't have to read. mmmkay pumpkin? they. are. just. words.

if you have a problem with some vernacular because your 3rd grade teacher slapped you on the wrist when you cursed, then don't go back to the 3rd grade (or, considering the mentality of alot of people, try to pass the 3rd grade). i am an adult, more or less, and i live in the real world, whatever that is. and in the real world people curse.

there's such a national idee fixe about propriety in language and content (see: janet jackson's titty). howard stern gets fined for something a caller said. rush limbaugh is taking heat for saying "blowjob" on the air. of course i loathe lush rimjaw for his views, lies and hatespeech, but he still shouldn't be fined for saying "blowjob". they're just words. plus i doubt that little susie and johnny were listening to his show in the middle of the day anyway.

but this is the same dogma that says we should only teach abstinence in schools even though it's been proven ineffective. let's kick the dead horse and beat our breasts over irrelevant issues like language and sexual ideals while teens keep getting pregnant because noone ever emphasized safety and protection in the sexual realm, which they all inevitably enter (more often than not premaritally).

being principled without practicality is just masturbation.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

stories about boobies

our nation's corporate-run media is now motivated only by ratings; new and improved, and completely relevance-free. we are bombarded every day by these languid stories about celebrity court cases or a single brain-dead person or a pretty white girl that got murdered that have no bearing at all on our personal lives.

a great example is always cnn. cnn is an obvious bastion of lackey journalism - they're ostensibly trying to be fox news, it seems. on their web page i like to read the headlines under "more news" to see what they consider relevant, and also because of my morbid, passing-a-car-wreck fascination. today's:
so a couple of stories about what i would consider actual news, and then a bunch of mary hart-worthy fodder. it's a great reflection about what piques people's interests nowadays - glimmer and sex and stories that empassion us to feel, not think.

this is why george bush "won" (i will never concede that he fairly won either election) last year - people were voting against gay marriage or abortion or other social issues that have no impact on their lives whatsoever. mr. and mrs. douchebag can't afford to pay their medical bills and are running up massive credit card debt and won't be able to declare bankrupcy to help them lead a normal life, but jesus! don't let jim and jim down the street get married!

yes, i am saying that people voted against their own interests, i.e. were too stupid to know better.

when did reason and logic take such a back seat to glitz? it's like they're tickling our collective balls while shoving a pineapple up our ass. or spraying perfume on a homeless person; everyone wants a better scent while they're starving and destitute.

also: please click on the link at the near-top of the sidebar and join the virtual march (basically a petition - all you do is submit your name) against global warming. it's a good way to bring media attention to the major problems facing the environment and our government's counter-productive policies.

Monday, April 25, 2005

kinky afro

happy monday, good morning philosopher freaks and fecal fetishists, as well as haters of alliteration.

festival international de louisiane was this past weekend here in lafayette. it's a five-day conglomeration of bands and music from other countries, food, drink, dance, tchotchkes, and general revelry. it's a great event to gain exposure to other cultures and required attendance for people with a sense of worldliness and pragmatic alcoholics alike.

so why i didn't attend: although i am wildly interested in other cultures and music, and as mutually beneficial my relationship with alcohol is, a rotten and stressful weak coupled with my innate laziness warranted a two-day slumberfest in my bedroom. also i hate crowds and people, but for some reason i love parties. think about that one for a while, or not. i know it's monday and thinking equals stinking.

however, my weekend was pretty fantastic. i slept alot, ate some junk, kept great company (a-wink), and completely recovered from last week's work-related, stress-fraught, phizz's-fragile-sanity onslaught. happy monday.

also: please click on the link at the near-top of the sidebar and join the virtual march (basically a petition - all you do is submit your name) against global warming. it's a good way to bring media attention to the major problems facing the environment and our government's counter-productive policies.

Friday, April 22, 2005

hug a tree but don't let it forcibly rape you like that girl from the evil dead

it's earth day. i will say, if you don't recycle you are a gigantic ass. it's very easy - even for yours truly who is a self-proclaimed lazy dickhole - and really does make a difference. i recycle cans, batteries and plastic (and plastic bags). when i got this job last year i decided not to buy a car for largely environmental reasons. it sucks that there isn't a great public transportation infrastructure here in lafayette, but i get around. i live within close proximity to everywhere i really need to go, so i walk, i take cabs, bum rides, all that.

anyway, there's no reason not to at least recycle, and if you're too short-sighted and self-centered to think that recycling and being environmentally conscious don't matter because you'll be dead way before pollution has an effect on the earth or your life, then fuck off. although i doubt anyone who reads my drivel is such a person. i preach to the choir alot.

i will also use today to shout out against the "tree-hugging hippie" broad brush that liberals get painted with. i would classify myself as more of a tree-hugging hipster, but that's not really the point. what exactly is wrong with being environmentally conscious? why does that get such a negative connotation?

do pollution regulations get blamed for the rising costs of gas? that probably is our fault. hey hippies, why don't we let our government know that it's okay to start drilling in our national parks so that we can squeeze another few drops of sweet combustible freedom from under the soil? alternative energy sources be damned right?

incidentally i've heard and read that it would be remarkably easy to convert from our dependence on petroleum in this country to other fuel sources. is it really surprisidng though that our neo-con death cult fascist administration (from texas, no less) wants nothing to do with anything that doesn't increase the profits of gasoline asshat corporations (gasshats)?

anycrap, we do what we can. if you think that you're just one person and can't make a difference, remember this quote from margaret meade:
Never underestimate the ability of a small group of people to change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

spell this motherfucker

last night i was in a spelling bee at my old middle school, where my mom was once my algebra teacher (and another piece of the puzzle falls into place eh?). she was also emceeing the bee. i was one of three people left. my mother gave the other students moderately easy words... i think "vagabond" or "aardvark", but i don't remember exactly. upon my turn, she made me think of the perfect adjective to describe action jackson, and spell it. i've never seen action jackson, so i just picked a difficult adjective to spell (again, can't remember the word exactly). i spelled it correctlly, but it wasn't apt for action jackson. so i lost and cursed at my mom in front of the student body and walked out.

but i woke up this morning very disheartened and moody. i imdb'd action jackson, found out that it starred carl weathers, and now have the odd inclination to get a stew on.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

is it in you

for one reason or another sports drink flavors aren't just lemon-lime or orange anymore. they've morphed into new flavors that, apparently, are best described as abstrations. it makes me uneasy. i felt comfortable with orange; i know what orange tastes like. but now, take a wild stab at the actual flavors of these:
  • cool blue
  • frost riptide rush
  • mountain blast
  • infrared freeze
  • arctic shatter
  • green squall
  • jagged ice
  • andean chill
  • aleutian stream

i'll admit that they all sound pretty cool, but.... what is jagged ice? andean chill? does it taste like a sherpa or a camel? or a brazilian soccer team? that's it. it tastes like people. actually i think they were from uruguay, but i digress.

commercialism obviously thinks so little of the hoi polloi that they view us as having no real perception beyond the superficial. if the car looks fancy and sexy, who cares what's under the hood. if the shoes have lights on the back, what does it matter that they wear out in 3 months. and if the sports drink has an awesome-sounding name, it must be good. they must think we're a bunch of easily-lead sheeple.

and, they're right. they're just using proven methods of product placement and recognition. we like bright shiny things. people ARE that dumb.

and what the fuck is fitness water? can i chug it down while eating a bucket of fried fat and be healthy? will my sweat turn green?

god DAMN i hate commercialism.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

time magazine's man of the year!

i would have posted some outrageous coulter quotes or links to information about her, but i don't want to ruin my day by searching for and perusing the hate speech that's come out of her mouth (and the scant amount of food that's gone into it - SNAP). google her yourself if you aren't privy.

why did i post anything at all about her? because i really wanted to use my "man of the year" line.

sand in the vaseline

how desperate for money was this woman? how much would it take for you to agree to be the "worm-ridden womb" woman? she's very attractive, but no way could i ever be wih her in an intimate way without thinking about centipedes... down there.

Monday, April 18, 2005


i just found out that britney spears is pregnant (proud that i staved off that knowledge this long). she's still a virgin though right? her dancer husband is still gay right? will the baby's boobies be all-natural? and more importantly, could i give less of a shit?

wal-mart is better on the weekends. i usually make it a point to avoid shopping on the weekend (or anytime, really) like grim death, but i had to go saturday. and my stars, the ladies are significantly better-looking on the weekend (customers, not employess). maybe that's a broad generalization (or a generalization about broads, thanks kevin smith), since it's the only time i've been to wm on a saturday in years.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

mmmmmm... sunday...

i lament those who have no conception of self-awareness. i lament fraternity human excuses who call people "gay" as an insult. i lament the days and nights in which the idle hands of ignorami are allowed to be creative; i lament weekends.

what is human progress? technological advances? we are all just animals, at best. i don't see evidence to the contrary. our simian instincts still control us. we are driven by food, fuck, sleep. define higher levels of brain activity for me, because i'm not convinced that we don't belong in cages.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

in my good, good morning

since i learned that my utmost adored dandy warhols will soon be releasing a new album (btw it has been 10 years since their first album, "dandys rule ok") i have been able to think of little else. no specific date has been set, but i've read "sometime before summer", which makes sense because may is pretty much the biggest record release month of the year, traditionally.

tonight i will be celebrating the arrival of the crown jewel of my dvd collection - the 2-disc documentary DIG! about the warhols and the brian jonestown massacre. i will be toasting and getting toasted with gin and cigarettes. this, friends, is my idea of heaven.

while not the most poetic of songs, "good morning" is actually a great one to wake up to. what it lacks in lyrical depth it makes up for in melodic style. from "dandy warhols come down":

In my good good morning
I'm up before the sun can bring,
early morning, and everyone
like a shiny thing.

All my angels appear
before my window saying
"good morning"
in my good morning

In my good, good morning
I feel before my thoughts all spring.
Am I conscious or
is this my unconscious being
No more like a dream than a
God before my conscious saying
"Good morning" in my good morning?

In my good, good morning
I'm up before the sun can bring,
Early morining, and Everyone like a shiny thing.
No more like a dream, then a
God before my conscious saying
"Good Morning" In my good morning.

from the bjm site:

"Anton Newcombe (from bjm) does not support the recently screened documentary film 'DIG!' in its currently edited form. He feels strongly that the "Jerry Springer-esque" vilification of his nature is an inappropriate, mis contextualized, and exploitative use of the footage... "

i'll comment on this after watching it. peaches.

Friday, April 15, 2005

here's a nice piece of shit

also, jesus was a liberal. remember that.

car commercials always feature their vehicles fishtailing on wet asphalt. is that sexy? wouldn't you want good traction on your new automobile? and how many people actually take their hummers on drives across the desert?

i said hummer. hummer is a euphemism for oral sex.

weekend plans... i'm going for full-on apoplexy tonight: xanax, tylenol pm, nite-nite. tomorrow night i will drink. i will drink alcoholic beverages and i will enjoy them. when i drink alcoholic beverages i get friendly especially with visually-appealing members of the opposite sex. i would like to have sexual intercourse with such a person often times what i want and what actually happens do not coincide i probably will not have sexual intercourse.

sometimes when i want sexual intercourse but cannot find a partner i perform simulated sexual intercourse on myself.

it's nudie magazine day!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

jesus, they're just not that into you

on the radio i heard an ad for some show on nbc, and i don't know who does the voice-over on nbc commercials (a very mortally serious male voice), but i hate him. he's probably not a good person at all. he dramatizes the mundane. he has no soul. maybe he's completely computerized. i don't know. but i hate him.

i woke up on the complete wrong side of the bed this morning; i feel like i didn't even sleep in a bed - maybe on the splintery deck outside, with a roofing nail up my ass. but i'm crabby. i think i pretty much hate everything, but right now this is the biggest stick in my craw.


the majority of religious people, i'm sure, are very true to their dogma and compassionate and don't follow the practices of the numerous extreme wingnuts. that part is great - kudos to them. BUT, if you (self-proclaimed church-goers) allow them to make racist statements, condemn gays to hell, call for the murder of abortion doctors, and try to convince people that god HATES in any way, then you're just as bad. they're doing it in your name, for their own benefit (financial or egotistical). recognize the hypocrisy in fellow christians, and more importantly recognize it in yourself, and if you don't like what jerry falwell ("9/11 happened because of gays and lesbians") and fred phelps ("god doesn't hate them because they're fags; they're fags because god hates them") and their ilk are preaching, then shout from the rooftops that they don't speak for all of you. they are dragging your faith and your religion through the mud, and silence is just passive acquiescence.

i can't imagine that any religious sect has the intention of being an "a la carte" faith. as in, just figure out which rules you want to follow and pretend the inconvenient ones don't matter. listen to demagogues blasting fags and liberals and sexual deviants and jews and sinners during the day, then go home and guiltlessly watch desperate housewives. no contradiction there right?

do you see any hypocrisy in the possessions, or "stuff", that you own? how much do you have that you don't need? instead of that giant plasma screen television, why couldn't you buy a regular crt and give the difference to charity? do you realize that you could save a child's life with hardly anything? probably not. such thoughts are unpleasant and inconvenient and would actually require SACRIFICE. you'd just rather keep believing that it's somebody else's responsibility, and that if someone is impoverished or sick it's their own fault. fuck medicaid, medicare, food stamps, social security, and all those other government programs for the unfortunate (you would call them moochers or slackers or deadbeats or irresponsibles). they're just looking for handouts.

there's a jesus saying that goes something like "it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven". what do you think that means? what does he mean by "rich"? bill gates billion-dollar rich? or could "rich" just be owning something that you don't need while children in africa (oft called "darkies" or "godless niggers" by some children of god) are dying? amazing how easy it is to turn a blind eye to genocide and human rights atrocities when they occur on soil not covering oil.

christians love to quote the bible, when it suits their purposes. when you want to rationalize war or killing, or your hatred of homosexuals, or how slavery was okay (yes, slavery), there is always some passage from the bible that you can construe and/or take out of context to make these acts seem okay in the eyes of god. extremists become so empassioned with hatred and their own various personal agendas that they quote words from the bible that suit them, and completely disregard the overall message. do you honestly think jesus or god would HATE anyone? would god be offended when two men or two women want to share their love? can any type of love be wrong in the eyes of god?

and why the FUCK, if you are truly conservative and/or religious, would you align yourself with the party of george w. bush? what about him resonates with you? that he SAYS he has faith and that god talks to him? was god the one who told him to execute minors and retarded people in texas? did god tell him to cut programs meant to help the poor and sick? say yes, i'm sure there's a bible passage somewhere that syas helping the poor isn't that important (incidentally, the bible mentions poverty about 3000 times. how many times does it lambaste gays?).

what's aggravating about really hardcore modern-day republicans is that there is absolutely nothing you could say or do, or nothing that could happen, that would ever make them question their leaders and their own politics. they are republicans first, americans second (if at all), humans third (if at all). they readily submit to and repeat party talking points without independent thought and without conscience. my own theory is that most republicans, at one time or another, had an identity crisis, or were abused or experienced some other personal trauma, and just needed some axiom to follow, some identity. and the republican philosophy just reflected their bitterness and contempt for others, so they became right-wing robots.

church and state: what if instead of "god" in the pledge of allegiance or on money, was the word "allah"? what if i decide that my uncle's fecies somehow speaks to me and i start to worship it, how would you feel if the word "god" was replaced by "uncle tony's shit"? these types of questions allow you to EMPATHIZE with other views. it must be very convenient to support religion in government when it happens to be your religion.

i am a sinner and a heathen and will probably go to hell when i die, if it exists. but i do have a conscience, and i know what compassion, empathy, and charity are. i also know that it's difficult to find fault in yourself (except for me - i find nothing but). but when such blatant examples, like the aforementioned phelps and falwell and all the other neo-conservative republican monsters, exist in the world, and you not only decline to speak out against them but actually align yourself with them and their party, then you either have serious moral deficiencies or are too proud to scrutinize yourself.

check yourself before you wreck yourself fool. and stop pissing me off so much.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

get your bad hands off the good one

fans know that the new sleater-kinney album is coming out next month (may 24), and if you're even moderately adept at downloading music, you can get it.

note: TRUE fans of any band pay for the actual album, whether or not they download it before it debuts. i've already pre-ordered my copy. i should write a post later about my personal music-downloading policy.

the band is also on the cover of this month's magnet magazine, which is the only mag i subscribe to anymore. i've been wronged by other publications, but magnet is consistent - great reviews, free cd with every issue, and the writers, for the most part, aren't high-brow better-than-thou musical douchebags like those from other magazines and sites.

i haven't listened to the woods yet, because (from chartattack):

S-K have posted a nice long letter on their website asking fans to resist the temptation or take the tracks off of their computer, joining leagues of other artists who are trying to put a stop to free downloading.

In the letter signed by Janet Weiss, Corin Tucker and Carrie Brownstein, they say how excited they are for this CD to come out since it has been almost three years since their last release, One Beat.

"We don't think of The Woods as some product getting out there early, we think of it as our art and lives and dreams. For us it's about respect and about people supporting us by being aware of our artistic intent. We ask that you please respect our wishes to present this record the way we intended. We're certain that you would want the same for your own endeavors, artistic or otherwise."

i can't find this letter (maybe it was on their kill rock stars site but didn't post on their new sub pop site, who knows), but still my guilt and love for the band precludes me from listening to it yet. so i'm not going to. sexually-molested scout's honor.

is it strange for a guy to love girl rock? i'm not going to call s.k. "riot grrl" or anything akin. most people would probably typify them as a girl rock band or a lesbian band or girl punk or feminist or indie or the aforementioned riot grrrl. personally i just think of them as a great band that happens to be female.

and i love many other groups like s.k. i could rattle off about sixty other girl bands (by which i mean bands that just happen to be comprised of girls) right now that i love. they are beaucoup rock n' roll fun.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

black gold baby

gasoline ain't cheap. i don't drive, by choice. i bum rides (i call it "carpooling" so driver du jour feels better about it), walk, sometimes take cabs, or take the bus when i absolutely have to. and i'm planning on buying a bike soon, once my own finances get back on track.

however i still buy gas, only for my chronic mind-altering inhalation practices (see love liza). plus i really like the smell, although jet fuel smells better than regular car fuel. it's not easy for the average johnny consumer to get ahold of jet fuel though.

but still, it's almost to the point where a gallon of gas and a pack of cigarettes are comparable in price. incidentally, i've singed off my eyebrows when i get loopy and forget not to do the two at the same time. lesson learned.

personally i'm happy gas is getting uber expensive. in europe they've been paying $4 a gallon or so for quite some time. maybe when we reach these levels in the u.s. people will give serious consideration to alternative means of transportation and alternative energy sources. as of yet we're much too vein a society to ever give up our suv's for something as trivial as the environment, but maybe when it becomes a more substantial drain on our personal finances we'll start paying heed.

in 1961 president kennedy challenged the country to get to the moon within 10 years, and it was done. civilization could funtion perfectly on energy sources other than petroleum, i've heard from articles and interviews and discovery channel specials. it could be a second rennaissance, where we truly strive towards a better global economy and climate and get out from under the thumb of big oil.

these are dreams i only have when jacked up on gas fumes. how's that for ironic? (okay lelaina, define "irony")

of course researching new energy sources would require that more people start believing in this whole "science" thing. psshhh, gravity. whatever. it's jesus that keeps us from floating away into space.

how great would it be if our current president layed out such a challenge? but how likely is that to happen, considering his personal relationship with the saudis and corporations and dick cheaney/haliburton and the auto industry and texas and money and satan? not. bloody.

start sniffing gas rags people. i'm telling you, it'll make you completely forget about the troubles.

postscript: black gold baby

we have such a sense of supremacy in this country right now. in 10 years time if we keep going in the direction we're heading we aren't going to be the "world leader" that we (supposedly) are today. we owe china, japan and saudi arabia SO MUCH money that if they decided to collect on our debt right now we'd be completely fucked. both china and india, under continued development, will start requiring more of the world's petroleum reserves than we do (currently 25% of all oil production everywhere is used by the u.s., and 1 out of every 4 people on earth are chinese). our military, already significantly diminished, will no longer be second or even third in the world (china, india, japan, north korea). and now our administration is trying to send to the u.n. as ambassador a man who has shown nothing but bitter disdain for the international community and could not be more loathesome of international cooperation.

and doesn't he look like a complete asshole - or a really good muppet character:

some comments he's made concerning the u.n.:
  • "there’s no such thing as the united nations. if the u.n. secretary building in new york lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference."
  • after the u.s. congress passed the comprehensive nuclear test ban treaty in 1999, he described supporters of that document as "misguided individuals following a timid and neo-pacifist line of thought."
  • in 2002 he said that cuba not only possessed "at least a limited offensive biological warfare research development effort" but had provided such technology to "other rogue states". he had no evidence of this.
  • on washington's adherence to multilateral international accords: "treaties are law only for u.s. domestic purposes. in their international operation, treaties are simply political obligations".
  • "it is a big mistake for us to grant any validity to international law even when it may seem in our short-term interest to do so - because, over the long term, the goal of those who think that international law really means anything are those who want to constrict the united states".
  • on advocating market reforms over efforts to improve basic living standard in developing countries: he criticized the clinton administration for continued funding of "programs on international population control and environmental matters rather than fundamental economic policy reforms in developing countries" and assailed then vice president al gore for his "preference for condoms and trees instead of markets".
  • on efforts to add a negotiated verification process to an international bio-weapons ban: he told conference participants that the provision was, "dead, dead, dead, and i don't want it coming back from the dead."

so, we're sending as ambassador to the u.n. a man who has several times expressed disdain for the u.n. and who obviously doesn't have any respect for international cooperation.

and bush and the neo-conservatives are napoleonically leading our country into turmoil and reducing the overall quality of life for americans. high gas prices are just an early warning sign.

Monday, April 11, 2005

sexual positions and acts

lame post, but i'm busy so back off.

  • the one-eyed scramble
  • the warsaw pact
  • the lazy suzan
  • duck duck goose
  • pin the tail in the donkey
  • crouching tiger, hidden dragon
  • the flying dutchman
  • igby goes down
  • the kennebunkport vein
  • fry the bacon
  • round robin
  • can you hear me now
  • glaze the donut
  • slather the cornhole
  • stick the dealer
  • smokem peace pipe
  • the royal tenenbaum

Saturday, April 09, 2005

absinthe only?

why so supportive of absinthe-only sexual education? what does that even entail? getting hopped up on absinthe while learning about sex, or hopped up during sex? both? my interest is piqued, although i don't know what role it plays in preventing pregnancy and std's.

vincent van gogh supposedly cut off his ear while drinking absinthe. good times.

10 things all the cool dudes are doing instead of being lame and queer and having sex

happy birthday granny. love and miss you.

Friday, April 08, 2005

non sequitur amendment

scratch that statement about funerals - when i think of it i could give a fuck about my funeral. i'll be dead. call a bunch of necrophiliacs and have a big giant orgy with my dead body. i don't care. sure, fuck the eye hole, i'm dead.

non sequiturs

as i said, yesterday was busy. and not the frantic phone-calls-all-day-but-it's-okay-because-i'm-amping-on-caffeine-anyway kind of busy, more the running-cable-through-a-fake-ceiling-while-asbestos-falls-on-my-head-and-face-and-sticks-because-i'm-sweating kind of busy.

normally i would enjoy snorting asbestos on a weekday, but associating that wicked buzz with a work-related, grueling task is not something i want. fucking pavlov.

subsequently i had to shower with soap last night. i mean actual soap! fuck. fortunately running cable isn't something i have to do often.

unfortunately laying cable isn't something i have the chance to do often. wink.

tonight i'm drinking beer alone. and maybe snorting powdered gravy to counter that scag asbestos smell.

females in internet porn are always either barely 18 or m.i.l.f.'s. if only i could engineer the perfect 18-year old m.i.l.f. website i would rule the universe. with an iron fisty.

i'm tired of hearing about the pope. his funeral makes me really worried about the grandeur, or lack thereof, of my own. to have a receiving line at my funeral - that is my goal in life.

our office cleaning service sucks something fierce. instead of cleaning the bathroom and stocking tp and paper towels they just close the door. ostrich dickheads.

Thursday, April 07, 2005


yesterday at work was busy. i was like a hooker hanging around a men's prison on a mass release day, and i loved cigarettes and accepted packs as currency. today is going to be the same way. i have to go set up a network in a psychologist's office so i'm hoping to overhear some really great stuff. bed-wetting, cross-dressing, abandonment issues, i-feel-compelled-to-have-sex-with-a-care-bear, mommy doesn't love me, daddy loved me too much inappropriately, voice number four keeps telling me to vote republican, sometimes i ejaculate onto an english muffin and eat it, anxiety, insecurities, otherworldly lascivious desires, on and on and on... i'm excited.

although i'll probably only be able to go in when everyone's at lunch, eating their own poop.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

great moments in papal history

1982 - pope john paul II outrages the catholic church when he insinuates that cocaine use can bring one closer to "seeing jesus". simon lebon and nick rhodes convert to catholicism the following day.

1978 - john paul I declares october 24 a religious day of recognition, when the second coming of christ is beheld; the boy is named "phizz", a latin term meaning "he with long peanuts".

1949 - pope pius XII, suffering from severe alzheimer's, delays condemning the holocaust, calling it " tough love for bankers".

1899 - leo XIII orders that the sistene chapel be stocked with kerosene, grain, and goat meat, having come down with y1.9k fever.

1492 - north america is discovered, and pope alexander VI sends extremist evangelicals to populate the southern region so they can exploit the african godless "darkies" for free labor in the name of god, and one day fuck up an election.

1141 - pope innocent II is convicted of being the devil's plaything when it is discovered that he anointed the genitals of several naive seminary priests. he was also blamed for the disappearance of several barrels of the "blood of christ".

64 (a.d.) - st. peter declares idleness to be a sin, and dies three days later of exhaustion, and pox of the clap. his decree is revoked.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

oh look, i've gone and soiled myself

have you ever felt like you were the best at something? maybe not even the best, just exceptional, or at least better than most? i'm sure i had such thoughts in my younger days, before terms like "self-esteem" and "comparative" and "fatty fatty boom-ba-latty" and "your mom's a slut" joined my lexicon and i learned what shame was*.

you're feeling confident that this is your big skill; everyone is good at something and this is your one thing, yours and yours alone.

then you develop a sense of worldliness and awareness, and how exactly you fit in to the grand cosmic scheme (or non-scheme) and you realize that you are shit. your shitty little talent means nothing compared to the infinite number of people who are better at it than you. your world is no longer a little pond, and you are a fucking... krill, or something very small, in the ocean.**

anyway, i forgot where i was headed when i started typing. i think the point was that it's a hard crash when you're going along thinking you're exceptional, then you're utterly dwarfed in an instant. something to that effect.

*is it possible to be proud of your shame? i think i'm proud of my shame. my level of shame is surpassed by none.

**i'm going to start working on a script for a movie called "krill the conqueror". it will be a pixar flick, featuring the voices of tom arnold, rosie o'donnel, fran drescher, and paul reubens.

Monday, April 04, 2005


it's probably unrelated to the time change but i can't shake off the feeling that i just woke up. my face feels puffy, i can't focus my eyes on anything, and i feel sore. lying in bed all day mourning a lost hour of possible sleep evidently makes my muscles (and my heart) ache. who knew.

my great idea is to not lose that hour on the weekend, but during the middle of a workday. right? like right now, instead of 10:16 it would be 11:16, if my math is correct, and we'd all be one hour closer to going home.

what would happen if we didn't either spring ahead or fall back? i'm not completely clear on the whole thing. i know it has something to do with equinoxes and the earth's tilt and the angle of the dangle.

does anyone backup their blog? what would happen if it were all lost someday?

Saturday, April 02, 2005

paranoid and complicated

no doubt exists anywhere that i am an unabashed blasphemer. i don't intend to make fun of deities themselves though, just their whacked and wicked extremist hypocrite followers. i'm not going to say anything derogatory about the pope. i'm going out drinking tonight, and i'll pour a 40 on the curb for jp2. it's my form of expression - don't censor me! garbage. i get the impression that most people know the popular singles they had in the mid-to-late nineties ("only happy when it rains", "special", "queer", "stupid girl", others) but never actually listened to an entire album. if you have ever listened to one from beginning to end you know that there really isn't much more than a few really good tracks interspersed between near-filler lameness (with the possible exception of version 2.0).

their lastest, "bleed like me", is nothing like this. a much more all-around solid effort; i could probably pick out eight tracks right away that could be marketed as singles.

it's got nearly the same industrial-rock sound (of which i consider them pioneers, along with trent reznor, toni halliday and dean garcia, and of course big black) of their previous work, but maybe more cohesive. anyway, it rocks. so i'll take my thumb out of my ass and turn it upwards for this album.

and shirley manson, i completely forgot to add you to my tight pants list, but ohhh.... yeeeeeah. the eyes, the scottish accent, the hair... it works something fierce. definitely some expansion in the pantsion.

Friday, April 01, 2005

glory! rapture!

friends, i have seen the light. last night our lord and savior jesus christ appeared to me in a lean cuisine, and i had a dream in which he told me to repent and change my heathen ways, lest i be doomed for all eternity.

so i am returning to the church. the prodigal son returns, ashamed at his behavior and devil-worship enthusiasm.

during these dark days of promiscuous sex, oral sex, anal sex, premarital sex, aural sex (ear canal), auto-eroticism, combinations thereof, baby-murdering, homosexual parades, the aclu, activist judges, barbara streisand, and tsunami relief, we all need to pray especially hard for our souls' salvation. we need to pray that god will punish the wicked.

i ask that you all please pray for my soul, as i pray each day for yours. it's not too late for you too to turn away from the devil (non-white people) and embrace the good word.

it is also equally important that we now embrace our president, and get behind him in his jihad to free the world of evil. the lord speaks through him, and to turn a deaf ear is to turn away from god.

hmm. praise christ.