Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Sporadically I am a big dumb animal of simian status, with little control of addictions, subsequent actions, and restraint of thought thuswhile. I could be glad that these situations are only chemically-induced phenomena (not at all phenomenal), and not ballast of my everyday sober existence. But we rarely focus on the positive do we? Still, I reverently wash xanax down with beer for fear of not being known at all. Even the blunderous "me".

It's as though some magnanimous knowledge exists innately in those around me that I'm not privy to and it either makes me an outsider looking in or the sole possessor of a different secret who just laments it. It doesn't elicit a sense of superiority or self-pity in me, in either scenario, just the usual perplexion that gnaws at the back of my brain. A hefty Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. I feel like a casual observer of life and lives but rarely a participant.

And speaking of perplexion, why are there internet porn sites solely featuring handjobs? From a male standpoint isn't porn supposed to illustrate that which is not easliy attainable on a regular basis (for us non-socio's and broke-asses)? So.... handjobs? All I have to do for a handjob is buy myself dinner and get myself drunk. And occasionally light some candles. Not that difficult.

Currently Listening To:
My Brightest Diamond

Bring Me the Workhorse

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Keats and Yeats are on your side

I also wanted to write a blog about how Dane Cook sucks, but my time is better spent doing... anything but pondering Dane Cook.

Last night I bore witness to nothing but happy couples. Doing couple-y things. Historically this would send me into a spiral of self-pity and bitter loathing, but this morning I strangely find myself unbothered. I credit Mel Gibson and blame 9/11.

Also last night I found out that old friends of mine:

a. Got married without inviting me
b. Moved away without telling me
c. Moved back to Lafayette without contacting me

Three seperate people, mind you.

Not that I desire to be the center of anyone's universe, but FUCK it's a lot of personal disregard to absorb in one night.

Again, I am atypically unbothered. All the zen and meditating and medicating must be paying off. Suck it Tom Cruise!

I noticed in the local Lafayette party line pinko rag that someone was shot and killed at the mall. Strangely I don't care.

Happy birthday Stuart Murdoch!

Currently Listening To:
The Smiths

The Queen Is Dead

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Top Ten Chapter Titles In George W. Bush's Memoirs

From David Letterman:

10. "101 Ways I've Misspelled 'Condoleezza'"
9. "Why Mom And Dad Voted For Kerry"
8. "The Best Memos I've Never Read"
7. "The War In Iraq, A 6-Foot Sandwich, And Other Things I Started But Couldn't Finish"
6. "How To Lose An Election And Still Become President"
5. "Good News, America - Just 923 More Days"
4. "1962-1964: The Cheerleader Years"
3. "Huh?"
2. "Bubba Was Right - - Monica Is Up For Anything"
1. "Chapter 20...Or is That My Approval Rating?"

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


The past few days I've been incessantly regailed with tails of suffering and remaining questions from people victimized by the hurricanes, and the inadequate responses that were begrudgingly offered. It's disheartening.

On one side you have the self-empowered righteous well-to-do's who blame the misfortunes of the relocated on their unwillingness to work and over-breeding, or that they decided to live in a giant bowl, or their darkness, or any other conjured excuse to evade responsibility.

On the other are those who sympathize with their plights and wring hands about what to do to help. Anymore I don't trust charities supposedly set up to give aid to the misplaced. At present I think the best contribution one can make is their time (ALWAYS worth more than money); time helping rebuild, clearing debris, and simply putting in face time to show that the devastated families aren't forgotten, and that there are those out there who still care.

My problem is that I'm just not privy to any means of providing that kind of aid.

I've personally been through Cameron Parish several times (because of work) and seen the progress being made, not by assistance from FEMA or anything government-related, but by the citizens' willingness to come to the aid of one another. We (my company) have been working frantically to get the schools ready for opening -- this past Monday -- and enabling the educational process to procede. But we do this at a profit, which, to me essentially means nothing. There is very little, if any, altruistic motive involved in what we do.

I'd like to do something to help that proffers no thanks whatsoever. Assistance from anonymouse sources to anonymous people whose thanks will never be heard is almost as close to pure altruism as is possible. Otherwise it's latent tit-for-tat.

Any crap, if anyone knows of good charities or means of doing real good with regard to the myriad of victimized and forgotten souls, please pass it along.

Currently Listening To:
The Decemberists

The Crane Wife

That's right, I have an advance copy. Beg me.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Meat is murder

This weekend I had a serious yen for a hamburger, and pepperoni on my pizza. I remained stalwart, begrudgingly. Last night I had a dream that I was on my uncle's ranch and bore witness to the process by which cattle go from aloof pasture-grazers to saran-wrapped ground beef (and also strangely horses, even though I have never knowingly eaten or desired horse meat, aside from having metaphorically wanted to eat a whole one).

My zeal against veal has been thusly renewed. Just watch the Kentucky-Fried Cruelty video I have under the "videos" section of my profile. Finger-lickin' malice.

Currently Listening To:
Persephone's Bees

Notes from the Underworld

One of my favorites from 2006

Friday, August 11, 2006

Stream of consciousness blather

What else is self-esteem besides an objective attempt at comparison? One says "I like myself" because they live up to their own parameters of worth, but how are said parameters developed? Inevitably doesn't a person hone standards of what they deem meritous by taking examples from other people? So if we don't base our self-esteem on what others think, or of who others are, what is it then based on?

Certain admirable characteristics in others strike chords in us that say "this is good, this is something I would like to employ in myself" and we thusly try. Ed Bagley Jr. is an unltra-environmentalist, which I find admirable, so I try to be as well because eco-altruism appeals to me. It strikes my biologically hard-wired chord. And when I satisfy my yen to nourish that desire I feel as if I have done something proper, and I think better of myself.

But I've also observed people hunting, and despite it being en vogue among several people around me I still find it vulgar, simian, and indicative of intellectual reversion to baser instincts. It doesn't nourish any desire in me whatsoever (not even when it's headed right for us!).

I've no idea where self-esteem comes from, or what it says that it's something you can supposedly "work on." I would say it's just a victim of circumstance and you have less control over it than some would suggest. But mine sucks and maybe it's just more convenient for me to think so.

As such and contrarily, I'm going to try to become the master of my own self-esteem, instead of the reverse. Really the power of thought is vastly underestimated. We approach life as time to make money to live, live well and die comfortably, but the standard of "living well" is a fabrication made up by our environment and peers. Most people quickly lose the ability to close their eyes and go on a vacation, or be able to look straight up into the sky or see a blade of grass and marvel at its beauty wherever you happen to be. There is a disconnect between rationality and sensory perception. We accept what we see, smell, hear, taste and touch as real, or "tangible." How does anyone know what is or isn't real though?

It's all objectivity, which delineates that real truth does not exist. As sson as the brain processes some stimulus it applies experience, thought, and the subject is skewed somehow. Think about how a person's mood affects their outlook on themselves and the world. I say this based on personal experience (and from endless cliches about optimism), but when I'm in a good mood I think more highly of myself, work becomes easier, not much can get me down. And a person's outlook is basically a choice they make based on external stimuli, to be gumpy or happy or generous or vengeful, etc. So essentially I choose what my reality is, based on interpretations of external factors that affect me.

A person's natural instinct can in a sense be counterintuitive; we ALLOW certain conditions in our lives we perceive as negative to become internalized, and thus affect our mood. And who really WANTS to be in a bad mood (masochists aside)? Why can't we redefine how we react to those stimuli? It's probably not easy but with practice why can't it be done? It's just a choice.
You can apply this to today's neo-conservatives. Their opinions are based not on what we would call "reality" but rather a conjured reality they've created for themselves in order to rationalize their true ends. They decide what outcome they desire then formulate the environment around it to provide the means.

And people as a whole are too preoccupied with ends. The roller coaster analogy -- you look forward to the steep drop and loops, but without the nerve-wracking, jolting, rattling trip up the giant hill the whole experience would be ruined, or at least mitigated. Anticipation in life is what gratifies. It's the same way you enjoy taking a piss much more after you've been holding it in forever than under normal circumstances.

So is this whole experience we call life just clattering up the roller-coaster incline waiting for the big thrill? What big thrill are we hoping we'll arrive at? Religions say the afterlife, but I say that getting there is more than half the fun. It may be the only fun there is. You have to appreciate the here and now because noone knows for certain where this "journey" will lead to, if anywhere. As Trinity said in The Matrix, "..it's the question that drives us..."

People who vanquish their enemies are left with no purpose. The thrill of the chase needs to be more appreciated by all of us. My cat loves playing with straws, and when I'm swinging it all around and playing tug-of-war he's ecstatic. But when I let go, when I let him win, he just kind of sits there with this disappointed look on his chevy chase.

Getting there is half the fun? Understatement.

Lots of hawkish Americans aver that the torture of detainees, arbitrarily labelled as "hostile combatants" to whom the Geneva Conventions allegedly don't apply, deserve to be tortured, because they do it to innocent Americans. Two people standing next to each other, both supportive of this mentality, should sport "I'm with stupid" shirts. You don't become great by lowering your own standards to those of your enemies, who you claim to be evil. I.e., they're bad so we should be bad too? Doesn't that only prove that a fair Democracy based on laws does not work? It's imperative that, no matter how heinous the actions of our enemies may be, that we adhere to a higher moral standard than they, otherwise we have no right to complain about their tactics.

And the idea of beating "terrorists who hate our freedom" by sacrificing those freedoms ourselves is mind-numbing on so many levels. It's tantamount to committing suicide so no one can kill you.

But sadly we do not live in an age of reason.