Sunday, November 26, 2006

Boozing and Whoring on shabbas

What's the appeal of Jagermeister? It's like drinking green death NyQuil with Everclear. Of course I'm a fan of many-a heady elixir, but I loathe syrupy alcoholic shots (Buttery this… Sex on the that.. any shot whose ingredients are not blatantly apparent by their names. Give me tequila – I know exactly what that is). It's like Gatorade with its "Mountain Rush" and "Arctic Chill" flavors. What the fuck do those taste like? Tell me "grape." Or "orange." "Blue" is not a flavor.

Plus I just can't handle sugary alcoholic beverages anymore. This includes daiquiris, margaritas, even rum/gin/vodka and a regular soda. It has to be a diet soda or else I'm nauseated. I know it's probably a sign of getting older but for now I'll just pretend my palette has gotten ever more refined. And my liver ever more shriveled. The Sun Maid raisin girl wants to hike up her dress and drop the pantaloons for me.

Over Thanksgiving I found out about a previously unknown feather in my family tree cap. My second cousins and their immediate family have apparently have been and are delving into the prostitution arena. I only just found out about this because the youngest, 17, just got caught by the fuzz (HA!). It sparked some completely inappropriate Thanksgiving dinner conversation about how her aunt used to whore it up when she was younger, plus the girl's father has been in and out of prison literally 10 times or so for drug abuse and related theft, her aunt has as well, and her other aunt works at Home Depot, which I guess makes her the black sheep of that family.

But I'm so happy! I share a few chromosomes with whores! Awesome. That's what I'm thankful for this year.

P.S. I'm still selling a bunch of shit, so swing by the pad and make me offers.

Currently Listening to:
The Prids

...Until The World Is Beautiful (2006)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


This will come across as incredibly cynical, which perhaps it is, but there isn't a modecum of self-pity involved. I have no dreams. I don't aspire to be a rockstar or an author or to have fame or glory or anything anymore. More and more I feel like a walking shell.

I've struggled vehemently with what it is I want to do with my life. But I recently arrived at the realization that maybe you don't always have to have dreams or lofty goals. What's so bad about being content with existence, with discovering value in the smaller things ("smaller" as coined by our culture).

I still love music. I love imbibing it and hopefully crafting it someday. But I can't keep flagellating myself for misspent time devoid of honing skills that I wish I now had. It's useless.

Still I have the relocation bug. The only substantive things keeping me here are the scant kindred friends that barely constitute a handful (if you have to ask...) and of course the comfort of familiarity. Point being, I'm stagnating. Once I thought I was destined for great things. Not that long ago, actually. But now I'm just aging, seemingly the only talent I've mastered during my tenure amid this mortal coil. And it's noone's fault but my own, yet exacting change seems to be some herculean task for me.

So, fuck it. Whatever I end up doing may not be ideal, but it will be at the very least something..

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Serving Notice

The crux of my days at work are now spent on CarrerBuilder and Monster seraching and applying for jobs in Minneapolis, Portland, San Fran, NYC, and Seattle. Something about the idea of using the company's fax machine to apply for other jobs makes me smile internally. Anyway, if anyone has connections in any of the aforementioned places that may prove useful to me I'd be willing to plant my seed in you. For the females, that is. Guys... I'll just give you furniture or something. I have a really big TV. That's not a euphemism.

I'll Render My Own Mortal Coil, Thank you very much.

You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you want to know hwo you will commit suicide, take a look at your second highest percentage on the bar graphs.











Natural Causes














Cut Throat


How Will You Die??
created with

Sperm Joke

One sperm says to another, "how far is it to the ovareis?" The other sperm responds, "Relax, man. We've only just passed the tonsils."

Thanks Tiff.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Oh So U lost Michigan?

This will come across as incredibly cynical, which perhaps it is, but there isn't a modecum of self-pity involved. I have no dreams. I don't aspire to be a rockstar or an author or to have fame or glory or anything (anymore).

For the longest time I've struggled vehemently with what it is I want to do with my life. But I recently arrived at the realization that you don't always have to have dreams or lofty goals. What's so bad about being content with existence, with discovering value in the smaller things ("smaller" as coined by our culture).

I still love music. I love imbibing it and hopefully one day crafting it. But no longer will I flagellate myself for a misspent youth devoid of honing skills that I wish I now had. This is all very zen.

Or perhaps I'm just sporting wood because my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes bent Michigan over a rusty barrel and ran a fucking train on their virgin assholes on Saturday! Fuckin' A! Ohio State, undefeated, ranked number 1, hosting Michigan, undefeated, ranked number 2. This was perhaps the biggest sporting event in decades, especially considering that it's arguably the biggest rivalry in all of sports, period. Seriously, someone make the agrument that it's not. All of sports, collegiate or pro.

This is the only event in all of sports that I get psyched up for, having lived in Ohio for three years during high school. Something funny about Ohio State is that any fan you talk to would probably rather beat Michigan than win a national championship. The Bucks could go 1-11 for the season and be content as long as Michigan was that one win.

Their previous coach, John Cooper, had an overal winning percentage of something like .813, which is astounding in college football. But they STILL shit-canned him because he couldn't beat Michigan. Now Jim Tressel not only owns Michigan (3 straight wins in a row) but is on the verge of bringing home his second national championship. Dot the "I" you Michigan fucks! The 2006 Bucks: undefeated, likely Heisman winner Troy Smith, likely national championship. Damnation. Glendale isn't until January 8. And it may be Michigan again. I think that would be stellar personally.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Most Intentionally Apathetic

There's been a very gradual and very real annoyance cultivating in me regarding pictures of bands in magazines and on album covers The members TRY to look ALOOF (irony never ceases to boggle me).

It's like the South Park episode where Cartman forms a Christian rock band and tells Butters and Token to look away from the camera because rock bands are supposed to look like they don't give a cock when taking album cover pictures. If I'm ever in a band (which I never will be, unless it's a wandering minstrel show) I plan on going high school yearbook-style. Or just a giant show of my asshole, taint and scrotum. With a caption that says "clearly you can see I'm nuts). Intentional apathy leaves me acerbic. I will however let pass bands who happen to rock.

Case in point: The Shins.

I understand fully that in the entertainment game image is everything, but with music... my mantra is that if what you craft shows real creativity and quality, or is at the very least entertaining, then I don't give a fiddler's fart what you look like or how you pose in your pictures. If Abe Vigoda put out a kickass record I'd buy it. SHIT, I bought Justin fucking Timberlake's new album because it's just good.

Point being: music is what resonates with you. The genre or the looks or the fan base or the stigmas associated with the band shouldn't matter. Unless they're racist like Lynyrd Skynyrd (fuck you guys -- Neil Young is the man). They can go suck a long one.

Also, if I hear "Sweet Home Alabama" in a movie trailer one more time in my life I will, WILL, walk out of the theater and demand my money back. In fact I'll run, screaming all the way.

Currently Listening to:

Paper Tigers

I Have Seen the Top of the Mountain, And it is Good

FDA Ends Ban on Silicone Implants
from the Washington Post

David Brown and Christopher Lee
Washington Post Staff Writers
Saturday, November 18, 2006; Page A01

The Food and Drug Administration ended its 14-year ban on the cosmetic use of silicone breast implants yesterday, despite lingering safety concerns from some health advocates.

The FDA is requiring that manufacturers tell women that the implants "are not lifetime devices" and that most recipients will need at least one additional surgery to remove or replace their implants. The agency is requiring the makers, Mentor Corp. and Allergan Inc., to conduct an extensive study of at least 40,000 implant recipients over the next decade and provide their findings to the government.

More than 264,000 women had breast implant surgery last year with saltwater-filled devices, whose availability was never limited. Medical experts predict that yesterday's approval will increase that number because silicone-gel implants, which are considered more natural and appealing, will prove popular. The FDA is allowing the devices for breast augmentation for women who are least 22 years old and for all breast-reconstruction patients.

Silicone implants were first marketed more than 30 years ago, but a moratorium was placed on them in 1992 after many women who had received them reported pain, deformity and serious illness caused when the implants ruptured or leaked. At the time, the FDA concluded there was "inadequate information to demonstrate that breast implants were safe and effective." A major implant manufacturer, Dow Corning Corp., was pushed into bankruptcy because of lawsuits stemming from the problematic devices.

Michael Ball, president of Allergan, said that "science has prevailed here" and added: "The FDA set an extremely high bar for approval. . . . There's a huge body of scientific data there."

He said the worldwide market for breast implants is $540 million annually and has grown less than 10 percent a year, but he expects double-digit growth now.

Critics were disappointed by the FDA's decision, which had been expected for months.

Diana Zuckerman, president of the National Research Center for Women and Families, said the approval was the product of corporate lobbying rather than good science.

Zuckerman, a former Capitol Hill staffer who has worked on breast implant safety issues for more than 15 years, said too little is known about the long-term health risks of the implants. She said what is known indicates that some women will experience joint pain, chronic fatigue and leakage.

In recent years, the FDA has allowed silicone implants only for women whose breasts were reconstructed after cancer or trauma. At the same time, the FDA, the manufacturers and many academic researchers gathered data on the devices.

"The extensive body of scientific evidence provides reasonable assurance of the benefits and risks of these devices," said Daniel G. Schultz, director of the FDA's center for devices and radiological health.

The National Academy of Sciences' Institute of Medicine reviewed many studies and concluded that there was no convincing evidence that leaking silicone led to autoimmune diseases or cancer, as some researchers had feared. But less severe complications were common.

For example, in a study of 907 Alabama women with silicone implants, one-third reported they had at least one operation to remove or replace the devices. Among 344 who underwent MRI scans to examine the state of their implants, 69 percent experienced rupture of at least one implant.

"Women deciding to have these implants need to be prepared to have additional surgery. That is a key point we want to transmit," Schultz said yesterday.

A spokesman for Mentor said the company will replace all leaking or ruptured implants, which cost $800 to $950 each. It will also defray $1,200 of the cost of a repeat operation in the five years after an implant is put in. The surgery itself costs about $8,000.

Critics noted that health insurers are unlikely to pay for breast implants for cosmetic reasons, leaving women to pay tens of thousands of dollars not only for the initial surgery but also for regular MRI screenings to ensure that the devices aren't leaking and for replacement surgery when they have reached their life span.

Susan F. Wood, who served five years as the FDA's top official for women's health, said she was disappointed by the approval because she does not believe there is enough data to demonstrate that the implants are safe. She said it is crucial that the FDA require the companies to carry out the planned long-term studies of the implants.

"Given that the approval has gone through, we have to insist on getting adequate information for both patients and surgeons so that we ultimately will know whether or not these are products that women should be using," said Wood, now a research professor at George Washington University's School of Public Health and Health Services.

Staff researcher Madonna Lebling contributed to this report.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Pictoral inferences

Pop-culture savants eagaerly await the release of the PlayStation 3. What smells do you suppose eminate from this group of social climbers after sitting outside in an alley all day? I'm sure the thoughts of another Super Marios game keeps them warm and sated during the 2+ days they've been anxiously awaiting the gaming system's release. Wow, a whole two days just laying there idle. Can you imagine it? I can -- it's how I spend practically every weekend. Only with air conditioning and the occasional shower.

For the sake of full disclosure, I have no idea who JoJo is. Jimmy crack whore and I don't care. My problem with this ad, in case you can't guess, is that it presumes to exploit men's desire to accept minors (13 and 15-year olds) as sex symbols. I don't doubt that such men (and women) exist, as Stone Phillips has repeatedly demonstrated on Dateline. We in our society tend to refer to them as "pedophiles" (right Mark Foley?) and morally reprehensible. But I guess nuanced and implied pedophilia is okay in 2006.

Yet again another "True" banner ad. You have to have seen them, they're only on about 95% of the web pages you visit. I just thought that what was special about this particular gem was that the model could also have been used in a commercial warning against the dangers of melanoma. Or perhaps Nip/Tuck, given the.... protuberances.

Advertising never ceases to pique my interest, if only in regard to the psychology of people who are mesmerized by certain ads. Although maybe me devoting a blog post to it qualifies me as one of the aforementioned mesmerized. Hopefully in a different context.

Currently Listening to:

Light at the End of the Tunnel Is a Train

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ahhhh inter-office politics

My psychiatrist decided to swtich me from xanax to valium. My thoughts thus far: valium sucks. I've taken about 100 mg today and all I feel is really tired. This is bogus man. And I really could have used the x-nax today after getting my ass eaten out by my boss for something that was COMPLETELY not my fault, and in fact my involvement in the matter was only voluntary and pre-emptive, trying to cover one of my co-worder's asses. That's the thanks I get. From now on I'm only concerned with self-preservation, eschewing the grander complany goals. Either that or I get fired for trying to be a "team player". FUCK I hate that word.

Come on K-FedEx, PLEASE release the sex tape. Amerca needs some good celeb boom-boom.

Currently Listening to:

Body Riddle

Monday, November 13, 2006

Anyone? Anyone?

It's been almost a week since the Democrats gained control of congress, and I'd like to take a poll. How many people have seen terrorists on their streets? Where's all the increased sodomy and dead fetuses?

Dick Cheney averred that the recent violence in Iraq was some didactic attempt by the "evil-doers" to influence the U.S. elections. Over the weekend some 100 Iraqis were killed, already 35 today. Did they not get the memo that the elections are a done deal? We need to drop flyers over Baghdad.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Advertising what not to do in journalism

I went with a friend to Burger King thsi morning -- he wanted breakfast, I would have preferred not being in the parking lot much less eating -- and bought a medium coffee. Here's my interpretation of BK coffee: brew coffee in a pot as you normally would, fill 1/3 of a mug with it, then add water until the cup is full. It was hot water with a hint of coffee. Or maybe I just make mine so ridiculously potent that "normal" coffee tastes like piss. Either way, Burger King gained no ground (ground -- get it?) on my quality-o-meter.

Ian wrote a post this week about an "article" in The Daily Advertiser concerning the resignation (shit-canning baby!) of Donald Rumsfeld. It contained reactions from locals and semi-locals about said resignation -- an algonquin roundtable of brainiacs no doubt. But these people had no bona-fides whatsoever. None that were listed, at any rate. At face value they were Joe-shmoes off the street. Or perhaps cousins of the author.

I was co-editor of my high school newspaper my junior year, and interviewing a Biology teacher about the marching band wouldn't fly. Maybe it's not an official rule in journalism that you garner reactions from people somehow tied to the subject, but at the very least it is common sense.

So my question is: what the fuck is up with The Advertiser? I've never exactly been floored by its informative acumen, but especailly lately they've been publishing these completely unfounded and nonsensical commentaries, authored by the paper itself or guest "columnists" whose credentials are also unknown. Is this a new practice or has the rag always been this insulting to its readers' intelligence? I never read it to gain any real insight, but I do like to keep my finger at least somewhat on the pulse.

I'll say it again: unless it's printed on softer paper I wouldn't wipe my arse with The Advertiser.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Reflection on a week of affirmation

What better way to encapsulate the past week than with a little Simon & Garfunkel, and one of the best songs ever.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Great day in the morning

WOOT with a capital WOO. The House is ours, the Senate is ours. Rumsfeld is gone! Santorum is now irrelevant, as are DeWine, Kenneth Blackwell, Katherine Harris, Conrad Burns, George Alllen... and who knows, perhaps Bush and Cheney in the not-so-distant future. Oh happy day!

I heard a columnist on the radio a while back discussing how the Democrats would probably not pursue impeachment proceedsings because they would only be symbolic since the Senate has to decide whether to force the president out of office after the house impeaches him (like how Clinton was impeached but not forced to resign), and the then-projected Republican senate would never do that. Of course at that time noone in the universe thought the Democrats would take back the Senate. But how's about now huh??? Exciting times for all.

And the new Speaker is a Democrat from San Francisco! The first woman ever to be speaker! I need to go whack off in the bathroom now.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Bad day in the morning

from The Independent:


Non-profit, non-partisan organization Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America just issued the results of its comprehensive study into legislators' records on voting for or against measures that would support U.S. troops and veterans. It assigned each legislator a letter grade from A+ (best) to F (worst).

William Jefferson, Democrat: A-
Mary Landrieu, Democrat: B+
Charlie Melancon, Democrat: B+
Rodney Alexander, Republican: B-
Jim McCrery, Republican: C
Richard Baker, Republican: C
Charles Boustany, Republican: D
Bobby Jindal, Republican: D
David Vitter, Republican: F (only legislator to receive a failing grade)

To view the complete state-by-state list and legislator grades, visit

Something else. I don't really fault the 30% or so of the population that will never change their opinions and will always remains staunchly balls-first, kill everyone and let dog sort them out. They're intellectually inferior and incapable of processing new information. It's just the way they are.

No, my problem is with the mid 40% that just doesn't pay enough attention to realize that they're being skull-fucked. Don't you think we've been engineered, at least partly, to NOT pay attention to anything but television and mass commercialism so that we don't realize that we're secretly being robbed? That our freedoms are being taken away? One hand entertains us with a cat puppet while the other one steals our wallets, and we're so doped-up on drugs and partying and TV and trying to eke out a living that we have no clue.

I'm so irate.