x-mas gifts '04

inappropriate gift ideas for the family:

• for mom and dad - kama sutra: a tale of love (a love of tail?)
• for navy pilot brother - modern marvels: plane crashes dvd
• for 90-year-old grandma - sex pistols boxed set, condoms
• for republican uncle - soundtrack: queer eye for the straight guy, middle finger
• for church-goer aunt - the da vinci code, abortion gift card, condoms
• for diabetic little cousin - pixie stix; sit back, watch the fun

any other ideas? must be inappropriate and awkward.

shwag i'd like to get for x-mas but will probably only end up giving to others and/or buying myself later:

• strangers with candy seasons 1 and 2 (i own, season 1 better)
• elf - more for the family, but funny
• arrested development season 1
• half.com gift certificate (best media prices)
• escort service gift certificate(s)... that would be super.
• da ali g show season 1
• flavored condoms - great stocking stuffer (ha), try a flavor besides "nasty latex"
• magazine subscriptions - get someone a subscription of what you think they should be reading, not what they want to read
• tylenol p.m. maximum strength, lots of it
• air america radio thong

album of the jour: television personalities privilege

murph has a great post on his blog from yesterday. trackbackworthy.

normally i think quizzes are useless, but this one was fun and interesting. nods to kymmie.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

bizarro phizz

inspired by this - the scariest thing i've. ever. seen.

clay aiken is bizarro phizz. he is the complete opposite of everything i am and/or try to be. i don't wear pastels. i can't sing. if i could sing there would be no chance i would ever subject myself to the american idol trials. and didn't he only come in second? i pride myself on never having seen an episode.

other ways i am the opposite of clay aiken:

• i like sex with girls
• i don't wear sweaters
• my christmas special would never be on nbc
• i would have taken out reuben's kneecaps way before the finals ( jeff gillooly where are you?)
• i don't speak with a southern drawl
• i don't find cabbage patch kids sexually arousing
• i can grow facial hair
• my penis exists

album of the jour: chicklet indian summer

post written while drunk

i got home early saturday morning and apparently wrote this without publishing it. i barely remember writing it. it's embarrassing, but what the eff. i did some editing, but mostly spelling stuff:

if i suddenly had a biological urge to procreate, and thereby needed to find a vessel to facilitate this (how romantic), where do you meet people?

bars - if i talk to a girl at a bar it's because:

a) i'm drunk
b) i'm horny
c) i want to find true love
d) a and b, never c

it's ironic - in the environment where meeting people is easy (thank you seagram's) chances are you're not going to meet anyone you would want to be with for any extended period of time.

but aren't there girls who go out who have the same mentality? so that everyone accepts the fact that they'll never meet a quality person at a bar, and therefore noone is ever even looking?

so i should start looking? but my screening process isn't reliable when drinking. next thing i know i'm chewing off my own arm.

and no i cannot, nor do i know how anyone could, be in a bar and not drink. it's about the most annoying environment imaginable (strobe lights? smoke? noise? people?). how could you possibly stand it sans the influence.

god save the queens

if someone would only put this play on in branson i swear i would soil myself. this (short article) is from cnn.com. you can really find some of the best stuff on there - it's like reading the enquirer. just as credible in my book.

Call to prosecute over 'gay Jesus'

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A group of Christian protesters in Scotland has called on police to prosecute a theater company for blasphemy because it is putting on a play about a gay Jesus.

"If there is a blasphemy like this, Christians have to stand up," said Stephen Green of Christian Voice who protested outside a theatre showing Terence McNally's controversial play "Corpus Christi" at St Andrews University.

"Jesus Christ is being portrayed here as a foul-mouthed, drunken, promiscuous homosexual and that is an insult to my faith," Green told BBC Radio. But the play's director, Zsuzsi Lyndsay, defended the production:

"He is not portrayed as a drunken foulmouth. He doesn't say one bad word throughout the play."

Christian Voice was not placated. It has formally lodged a complaint with police, arguing that the American playwright's work was blasphemous. No decision has been taken yet.

i love that the director's comeback to the accusation that jesus is a drunken, foul-mouthed, promiscuous homosexual is "he doesn't curse". hilarious.

think about the protests that happened at movie theaters when dogma came out (kevin smith). imagine the controversy that would happen in america if a play about a gay jesus was being put on somewhere.

i would buy popcorn and a ticket and just sit outside watching church marms try to save souls. i would do it.

album of the jour: the arcade fire funeral

phone rings...

me: -my company- this is -my name-
caller: -boss's name- please.
me: may i ask who's speaking?
caller: guidry.
me: i'm sorry?
caller: guidry.
me: okay... guidry... hang on one sec.

is that normal? who am i speaking with - guidry? is it that hard to give your full name?

fuck!

hey guidry, it's going to be alot more difficult to say your name when you're sucking my dick with no teeth isn't it? think about that you retarded, fatherfucking, louisiana-public-school-administrating braying jackass crap-nut.

allah i hate people.

yeah, back at work.

album of the jour: the go! team thunder, lightning, strike

@ home

today i remain home, sucking down tea and tylenol p.m. pretty much everything i buy over-the-counter is "p.m." me likey sleepy. the doctor yesterday gave me some anti-b's and a cortizone shot. i probably feel well enough to go to work. but nah. why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

i'm working on my "favorite albums of 2004" list. it ain't easy. i was trying to limit myself to 25 but it's looking more like 50. lotsa good new stuff. or maybe my criteria are too low.

psshh, as if. i'm phizz.

album of the jour: the essex green the long goodbye

down with the sickness

my head feels like a big bowl of steaming dog plop. everything seems to be happening in slow motion. my throat is killing me. i refuse to answer the phone, which really has very little to do with the illness. more to do with my aversion to customers and clients. life would be great without customers and clients.

i'm going to see a doctor this afternoon for antibiotics (drugs or bust). i don't like waiting rooms, but i like leaving work early. who cares. reh reh rah.

this is a pretty entertaining story. the crux: a cargo plane with the phrase "Eelect George W. Bush" on it crashed into a lake in florida. yes, they spelled "elect" with two e's intentionally. and the plane crashed. in florida.

metaphors... overwhelming... meager... brain...

i read my post from december 7 of last year, and 2003 phizz made 2004 phizz laugh.

album of the jour: the spinanes manos

christian cola

jesus h to the c. check out the forward i just got:

Don't buy Pepsi in the new can. Pepsi has a new "patriotic" can coming out with pictures of the Empire State Building, and the Pledge of Allegiance on them. However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge, "Under God." Pepsi said they didn't want to offend anyone. In that case, we don't want to offend anyone at the Pepsi Corporate Office, either. So, if we don't buy any Pepsi product, they will not be offended when they don't receive our money that has the words "In God We Trust" on it.

HOW FAST CAN YOU FORWARD THIS ONE?

i forwarded it very fast to my recycle bin. regardless of the fact that useless forwards are evil and only serve to label the sender a dumbfuck, i think i'm going to start buying pepsi. i don't drink soda, except diet rite, but i will now buy pepsi.

if "under god" were replaced by "under allah" or "under satan" or "under on-star" (my god), would anyone mind? maybe?

i like the idea of replacing "one nation, under god" with "one nation, under canada".

why not just come up with a soda called "jesus cola". the slogan would be "what would jesus drink?". it would taste heavenly, or immaculate. we could hire priests at the production facility to bless every can. vending machines in church!

the different varieties would come out. diet jesus, caffeine-free jesus, jesus with lemon, vanilla jesus... marketing would make us roll out "new jesus", which noone will like. we then revert back to "jesus classic".

and then we could make cocktails with it! imagine drinking a rum and jesus, or a crown and jesus. it would be super.

disclaimer: i am not making fun of jesus or god, whatever she/he/it is or may be. i only deride the insanely sensitive followers thereof who deem it necessary to try to change popular culture so that they never see signs of different beliefs because theirs are that fragile. they suck.

album of the jour: holly golightly serial girlfriend

have a good one

greek food last night was awesome. it always is.

i'm about to go take a shower and primp and tease myself in preparation for the "club scene" tonight.

don't we all need some glossy debauchery this weekend?

fight for it freaks!!!

the place i'm going to is not my favorite. it's got five bars in it really, all themed to "80's" music or "70's music" 0r "raver" bullshit or something. the clientele is a little younger than i would like, but whatever. legal is legal.

see you all in jail.

interpersonal neuroses and lesbians

on television over the xgiving holiday i saw an evanescence video on mtv2. amy lee (singer) is really a striking (super) lady. one that i would definitely go for given the opportunity. then i wonderd, is she gay?

when i look at a good-looking girl, on tv or in real life, there's a subconscious part of me that goes into panic mode. am i good enough? would she go for me? i should be careful what i say around her. make a good impression. don't be stupid. be cool. who's that guy? is he better than me? does she like him? dammit!

it's a matter of sexual tension. and i don't think i'm alone here; everyone's interpersonal behavior is altered, in some way and to some degree, by attraction and the possiblity of sex. it's the pressure to perform and impress.

consequently my relations with the opposite sex (of which there have been a scant few) have been jilted.

but this is why i love lesbians. take that pressure out of a raltioship and it's a glorious thing. you can be yourself, which you (or at least i) can't do consciously. there's no need to impress, no competition, no worry about whether they're attracted to you or not. it's good.

if i could be asexual i'd be a much happier person. and not morrisey-style asexual. discovery-channel asexual.

*off-topic postscript: it's been a very bad week for depravity, with the government allocating billions to fund abstinence eductaion while cutting world aids funding. in general it's been a huge wave or religious self-righteousness this week.

so i say everyone should go out and do some viceral, carnal sinning this weekend. be creative. sin! sin!

album of the jour: luna lunapark

x-mas duck and cover

argh, x-mas. it's coming. i feel like it's the onset of hurricane season and i live in haiti.

i'm doing all my shopping online. i refuse to bow down to the gods of commercial swarming and seasonal traffic. fuck you mall!

stop looking at me swan!

do made-for-tv x-mas movies (usually sponsored by hallmark) depress anyone else? what kind of person is entertained by watching danny bonaduce and kirk cameron try to convince hallie eisenberg that there is, in fact, a santa claus? i could do without tim allen making another christmas movie as well.

and the salvation army makes me nervous. when i walk into a store with the red bucket by the entrance, manned by someone ringing that bell, i feel like atreyu walking past those two giant statues hoping he doesn't get shot by eye lasers. please don't ask me for money, i'm too weak to say no. i don't trust you to give everything you get to those who really need it.

album of the jour: the delgados universal audio

abstinence isn't doing shit

happy world aids day everyone! let's all go out and have unprotected sex! share needles! hire denzel washington as your lawyer!

i heard on the radio that teaching safe sex in schools has been proven to be effective in countering instances of std's, pregnancy, abortion, etc., and teaching abstinence has been proven ineffective. guess which one our administration supports.

and why doesn't it work?

because kids wanna fuck.

because when dad doesn't have a job, and we don't have a tv or air conditioning or anything remotely constructive to do, and our school closed from lack of funding, what else is there?

tammy: "why don't you take that and put it there?"
timmy: "uhhhhh... okay."

*poof * tammy gets pregnant with an aids-infected baby. abortion time! because we can't afford to have a kid.

what kind of uber-denial bubble do religiosos who preach abstinance live in? they're against abortion, but they're also against the one method that works best in preventing it? they idolize (biblical inference intended) and vote for the guy who makes it harder not to have an abortion?

i bet bush likes aids. i bet he thinks it's god's way of punishing gays and people who have pre-marital relations.

noone needs aids medicine right? what we really need are prayers and the holy spirit within us to defend our red blood cells!

basically, just be pious and cold all the time.

album of the jour: tegan and sara so jealous

priorities people!

you know what, torturing muslim prisoners in cuba is somewhat morally offensive, but i think we should all be more outraged and focused on nicolette sheridan's bare back being shown before monday night football. i don't think jesus would like bare backs people...

although i can't say that he would be a fan of torture either. i would know, i saw mel gibson's the passion.

(*in best southern baptist drawl*)
we can-NOT allow this erosion of our national moral fibah to con-tin-yue! whiiite women can-NOT be shown half-naked with negra's on priiime tiiime television! i am shocked and chagrined. think of the children. won't somebody puh-LEASE think of the children!

perrrAISE jeesus.
(*end southern drawl*)

abu what? ghraib? psshhht, whatever. it sounds made-up. like the moon landing, or vietnam.

in reasons-why-i-love-louisiana news:

i saw a local commercial the other day about seat belt laws. the commercial says "this law is currently being enforced". i wish they would have more press releases here about which laws are being enforced at what time.

album of the jour: neko case the tigers have spoken

thanks for the mammaries

there are supposed to be two audioblogs on here i made from the houston airport. i probably would have deleted them anyway.

i want to make a "thankful for" list before thanksgiving gets so far behind me that it becomes anachronistic. actually it's just an easy thing to write on a monday after a holiday when life has no meaning.

• the blogosphere and friends therein - my respite from the louisiana sea of stupid
• internet porn
• people in the ukraine - i'm jealous
• maggie gyllenhaal's smile
• zooey deschanel's eyes
• air america radio
• gilmore girls and smallville
• air conditioning
• darkness (not the band, the absence of light)
• boobies
• pills (xanax, paxil, wellbutrin, generic p.m. pain-reliever)
• cigarettes and alcohol
• the bill of rights - great while it lasted
• lesbians (elaborative post forthcoming)
• fat people
• blue states
• science, darwinism, social darwinism, evolution, etc.
• splenda artificial sweetener
• caller i.d.
• my apartment, my job
• sluts
• short checkout lines at the grocery store
• pets
• surround sound
• butts
• the people who put glue in store locks on the busiest shopping day of the year
• general disarray

my early xmas present

on cnn headline news yesterday i saw a story from my own beloved lafayette, louisiana, about how vandals put superglue into the locks of dozens of lafayette businesses (local story here). so on friday morning, that shoppiest of all shopping days, noone could get into the stores until a locksmith could be called. i understand some stores couldn't open until mid-morning, costing them thousands.

and they got to OLD NAVY...

i am generally not a condoner of vandalism, but this, i like. i'm always bugaboo'ed by the commercial jackassery of the season. i view this more as an act of civil disobedience than anything else. yes, some stores lost money (not that much), but they were all large chains as far as i know. no mom/pop stores. here's a short list of affected stores:

Toys R’ Us; Old Navy; Bed, Bath and Beyond; Marshalls; S&K Menswear; Rainbow; Barnes & Noble Booksellers; Tuesday Morning

so, kudos to whomever the culprit(s) is (are). i'm hoping they were progressive radicals, but more than likely it was just drunk teens.

damn kids!

things to do in texas when you're dead

on each of my flights over i was fortunate enough to sit next to two friendly girls (i got two e-mail addresses out of it, one a sorority girl from lafayette and the other a med student from nyu; guess which one i liked better). i had pretty much the same conversation on each flight, with two different people. the trip was surprisingly better than i thought it would be.

i did have three manhattans at the lafayette airport before i left, so maybe i was just fucked up.

on the flight from houston to san antonio a guy sitting behind me was halping a woman put a large carry-on into the overhead. she asked if he would remember to get it down for her when we landed, and his response was "ma'am i promise, unless for some reason i get... (pause) ...raptured, or something, i'll get it for you", in jest.

i was cackling uncontrollably.

i whispered to the guy that he'd better be careful, talking that way on an airplane in the heart of god's country. but seriously, i haven't laughed that heartily or sincerely in a long time.

then yesterday, xgiving skullduggery at my rich texas uncle's ranch (guess what business he's in). come to find out your relatives are alot more fun when you get a couple of cocktails up enya (sail away).

i had to sit through a conversation with my cousin's husband (who has already bought their seven year-old daughter a hunting rifle, and takes her hunting all the time. it's not just a myth - people are morons down here). he kept telling me how liberals bribe black people for their votes with crack-cocaine. n-word this, n-word that. i seriously get queasy when i hear redneck whities say the n-word. don't trust whitey.

but again, all homage to the demon liquor for upping my tolerance of stupidity.

my parents catch the independent film channel, so i've pretty much been watching that non-stop. it hasn't been as bad a trip as i thought. thus far.

going to texasville

grrrr turkeys. turdeys. everyone gets today off but me. if i had a fatty i'd light it up right in my office, right now. but why do i complain. when my work day ends my work four-day-"holiday" begins, flying to on one of the two busiest travel days of the year, and flying fro on the other of the two busiest travel days of the year. i hate crowds, i hate lines, i hate waiting. i especially hate them when they are done all in the name of visiting family... family in texas.

and xgiving day itself - my uncle's ranch, with lots of beer-bellies and beer-swilling and animal-eating. i think i'm going to get drunk. just to make the whole trip somewhat salvageable.

i am like a nelly furtado

you would think i would be ecstatic to be leaving louisiana for the holidays, but consider the fact that my destination is texas. this is so fakakta'd up.

things i would rather do than travel on a commercial airline during the holidays:

- go to the dentist
- eat poo
- get "hobbled" by kathy bates
- profess undying love for nicole richie
- listen to ashlee simpson album 5 times in a row
- masturbate in front of a gay priest
- vote for george bush
- watch must-see tv on nbc
- pay $20 for a metallica album
- play jesus in a staged version of the passion of the christ
- ride a bike with no seat
- donate money to pat robertson
- sit through a rural high school graduation ceremony
- play soccer
- go duck hunting
- attend a carrot top performance
- be enthusiastic about junior high football
- work at denny's
- eat at denny's
- get a kid rock tattoo on my forehead
- teach at an inner-city high school
- be a taste-tester for a shampoo company
- have my scrotum pierced
- watch a jerry bruckheimer movie
- get married to starr jones

fuck you

i'm pissed-off angry and irritated today for no specific reason. it's probably an amalgom of stupid clients, having to work when there's virtually nothing to do , having to travel somewhere by plane, spending your rare vacation time with family (which is not really a vacation), the outdoor climate, and living in louisiana. and i hate people. nearly all of them.

not you though. you're cool.

abstractions anger me as well. hypocrisy, greed, selfishness, short-sightedness, ignorance, christianity...

how many of those are synonyms with each other?

cast cassettes

lately i've been noticing that in alot of the movies i rent there are characters who, while driving, grow frustrated with whatever cassette tape is playing, eject the tape, and throw it out the window. i guess there are a surprising number of people still driving around with cassette players. anyway, i think, this is movie drama. it doesn't actually happen. but have you ever noticed old, broken cassette tapes lying on the side of the road? it's really not hard to find one. i found an engelbert humperdinck cassette once. i picked it up and saved it for a while. i threw it out when i tried to figure out why.

oh sweet jesus! i just saw bill o'relly's face in my falafel!

poop and sandwich

a grilled cheese with the image of the virgin mary is being auctioned off on ebay, currently at one cent. maybe i'm just a non-believer, but i don't see it. the auction listing is hilarious. here's an excerpt (un-edited) from the description:

Miracle, or nothing at all? This grilled cheese sandwich is not ordinary, after owning this, I have found $20 in my pocket before, i know everyone loves finding finding money in their pockets. Another great example is once i got a fortune cookie that said I was going to have great luck! Two true miracles! Proof of this find can be provided if requested. The winner of this auction will recieve an ACTUAL medium quality image printed on HP photo paper! Bid now to grab this fine piece of history.

what sentence in this description is not funny?

this is from another auction for a different virgin mary grilled cheese:

You can imagine my surprise when I picked up this piece of toast and noticed the face of the Virgin Mary herself gazing warmly back at me. All of a sudden, I felt a sense of peace come over the room and I knew that this was a blessing. Ever sense the toast was made, I have felt lifted by its presence and feel as though it has helped me work through issues in my life. Since then my life has taken a turn for the better, and I believe that when blessings come our way that we should share them. Who would I be to hold this for myself after it has already helped me more than I ever wished? It is for that reason that I now am placing this up for auction, starting at 1 cent, as I feel it would be wrong to ask for more.

do people scour every piece of food they get, on the off-chance they'll recognize an image of some religious figure? i remember about a year ago someone said they saw mother teresa's face in a cinnabon.

how about jesus appearing in a lean cuisine? ghandi in a bowl of corn flakes? caesar chavez in a chalupa?

you can also buy on ebay an "i ate the virgin mary grilled cheese" t-shirt.

apparently there are different versions of the sacred sandwich being sold. a replica of one is going for over $15,000. i feel smart.

mcnudity

mcboobies! which biscuits are we photographing? hugh hefner likes heifers, and wants to compare mcdonald's gray meat with his own. mcdonald's girls and mcdonald's food: both will be fatty, give people heart attacks, and are only good after a night of heavy drinking. wan' get me summa dem' dar taters (in best sling blade voice).

what about other fast-food chains? don't the queens of burger king feel slighted? the wendy's rear-endies? the taco bell tacos? the pizza hut sluts.. or, pizza hut pies? hopefully the girls aren't as crusty and greasy as the food.

is this better or worse than playboy's search for the women of wal-mart? i think it's worse, because at least the wal-mart gals were able to make up some of that salary gap between themselves and wal-mart male employees with boobie money

application submittal page

we're going to dress you up in a vest!

someone tell me if i'm wrong.

does the apparel from old navy look like the biggest bunch of ordinary, pastel, unimaginative pile of overpriced, woven crap you've ever seen? i don't understand. is it a case of the emperor's new clothes (in america? noooo...)? if it's priced high enough, and they make gap-like commercials, and get little kim (lil' kim?) to whore for them, then people will buy the clothes?

they're just plain sweaters and jeans! it's not an "old navy vermont fleece pullover", it's a fucking sweatshirt. i loathe the corporate world. i shop at goodwill. i heart bargains. i live alone. my name is lugosh.

i opened a computer that needed fixing this morning and it smelled like body odor. it wasn't me.

album of the jour: simian we are your friends

walled-in, or, life in the apartment

there's alot of noise where i live. mostly background noise, but sometimes jarring nonetheless. my windows are almost always open in the winter (which, in louisiana, lasts about two weeks). last night while trying to go to sleep the wind kept blowing my blinds around - i jumped every time.

also, tree branches scratch against the walls outside. it's very eery.

at night there are usually several trains that go by about a mile or two away. i hear the train horn blowing incessantly, but i rather like it. it's far enough away that it doesn't wake me up.

and i'm three miles from the airport, so i hear the planes now and then.

next door there's a band that plays black crowes music. badly. they usually only practice on the weekends, and it's not that bothering. my music is usually way louder than anything i would otherwise hear.

all of this sounds like a real bitch to live with, but it's interesting. this morning when i woke up i rolled on my side to face the window and the sunrise was making the sky look purple. it was a very nice picture to wake up to.

the neighborhood isn't the greatest, but it's still safer than scott peterson's butthole (yes, stayed up all night for that).

also, a quiz (once again, from fhb):

Which Goth New Wave 80's Band Are You?




The Cure

album of the jour: drugmoney mtn cty jnk

how about a nice game of chess

have you ever tried to brainstorm ideas to write about and come up with bubkis? the only words that came into my mind just now were "global thermonuclear war" and "fakakta". this is the impetus for the subsequent.

i loved ally sheedy. war games came out in 1983, when i was four. i probably didn't first see it until it was shown on television years later, when i was at least six or seven. but nevertheless and consequently my sexual development was advanced. it's not my fault though, remember the short shorts in that movie? do you remember the short shorts!?! fuck the alamo. i remember the short shorts.

and of course she was alluring in a vitriolic way in breakfast club. i, unlike emelio (jock poseur!), much preferred the pre-makeover allison to the post-makeover allison. not to the point of eating pixie dust sandwiches, but i did do coke at a relatively early age.

nah, i lie. i didn't do coke until college, and even then, maybe thrice.

but i try not to think about the bulimia years (i haven't watched any e! true hollywood stories in over a year).

fakakta - how i feel on mondays.

album of the jour: brendan benson lapalco

brand new green day

i've heard for the last couple months how good the new green day cd was. i kind of wrote them off a long time ago, right after dookie.

dookie was my favorite album when i was a sophomore in high school. i had every song memorized and completely wore that motherfucker out. but since then, i completely lost interest in post-punk, emo, and pretty much anything punk-related (except actual punk, the late 70's early 80's fare).

but holy fuck, american idiot is good. "boulevard of broken dreams" (which i don't think is a remake of the hanoi rocks song, at least i hope) is making me stare non-copus-mentus-ly into space. i really hope this isn't one of those enamoured-because-i-just-herad-it things, and i get sick of it. has anyone heard this song? they used it on smallville a couple of weeks ago.

if it's being played on the radio i'm going to be pissed. it's probably being played on the radio.

and a couple of these tracks are almost ten minutes long... what's punk about that? eh? eh? ahhhhh....

also "holiday" is good, "give me novocaine" is good, "jesus of suburbia" is good, "she's a rebel" i like, "homecoming" i like. every song on the album is solid.

i've forgotten what it's like to wake up on a saturday morning not completely hungover/still drunk. it's not bad. it's freezing. it's great.

damaged

heisted from fhb, and a good thing too because today is boring:

Which defining 80s punk band are you?!?!



You my friend are the legendary Black Flag. You
sing about six packs and mental disfunctions.
Your sound can come off as loud and brutish,
but that's why people love you! Considering all
the singers you've been through, you have still
made it as one of the fore fathers of the
hardcore punk scene.

also: it's veteran's day

the asshat bush speaks at the tomb of the unknown soldier today, veteran's day. he may as well speak at the tombs of every dead solider from iraq because he doesn't know any of them. god he is such an evil fucker. his voice gives me a headache.

and i think i heard that today has been the bloodiest day of the war in terms of american troop casualties. i am sick.

can we fry this?

wow. louisiana is number 50, dead last, in the 2004 state health rankings. is anyone that surprised? we would deep-fry cigarettes if we could. if cancer hadn't eaten away every brain cell in the state maybe we would realize that a daily diet of fried stuff with cheese and a liquid butter chaser isn't the healthiest way to go.

incidentally, we also eat fried pig fat down here. they're called cracklin's.

check out the last ten or so states on that list. is it a coincidence that they're all red? check out the top ten states - coincidence that they're mostly blue? utah is in there, but i think that's because the joseph smith crowd considers everything unhealthy a hell-worthy sin.

i actually wanted to move to minneapolis even before this list came out. i love the cold, i love the accents, i love margie gunderson, and now i love the thought of clean arteries.

so, just to reiterate a long-standing opinion of mine: louisiana sucks bottom-of-the-barrel balls (we fry and eat those too).

massa

the guy that does the landscape work here at our offices is black. he comes once a week. he also washes people's vehicles in the parking lot while they're working (very handy service). he comes in, my boss pays him the same day, it's great. they make small talk, chitting and chatting, and are very friendly. black man and white man interacting harmoniously.

but on a different day, while talking about sports (i feign, i act, i pretend... i thank the academy) the boss uses racial epithets. nigger this, nigger that. a very different demeanor.

i think that his friendliness to the landscaper is genuine, and i don't think he would ever outwardly discriminate agains someone of another race. it bothers me though that people these days (and not just in the south) are satisfied with tolerance.

tolerance? as in, to tolerate?

i tolerate people talking in movie theaters. i tolerate bad drivers. i tolerate the hilton sisters. but at the same time i want to kick all of these people very hard in the larynx.

is that the attitude everyone should have with regard to people of a different race? if so i'm glad i'm a white male.

being free of bigotry (look up "liberal" in the dictionary - it's part of the definition) should be more than toleration. i realize that rome wasn't built in a day, and maybe it's asking too much that people try to mold something as ingrained as a thought process, when noone is looking, but it would make me feel better if at least a conscientious effort were made to do so.

i'm probably guilty of racism as well. it's hard to look at a black man or a hispanic man, and just see a "man". but i'm trying. i try not to treat a black person better than i would a white person because somewhere deep in the labyrinth of my mind i feel guilty. i'm trying in the privacy of my home, far from the sensitive and critical eyes of others. how many people really do this though?

it's easy to act accordingly to moral issues while people are watching. it's another matter entirely to have the self-discipline to recognize fault in your mental processes when you're alone lying in bed.

changing the way one person thinks, much less the way a million people think, takes a while. it's been almost 150 years since the abolishment of slavery, and noone can tell me prejudice isn't still rampant.

i think of this in relation to gay rights as well. how long will it take america to make right the inequality and injustice being perpetrated against homosexuals? granted, they're not endentured and physically tortured as slaves were (matthew shepard may disagree, if he were still alive), but civil rights issues are civil rights issues.

the american population in general is terrified of change. we're like a country of old people terrified of computers.

why am i thinking about red states all of a sudden?

this is so beautiful

i don't feel like writing again. intense malaise.

this is truly great stuff. and keep in mind i live in the south. seriously, everyone should save this, bookmark it, whatever, and just read it when you feel completely pissed off. which, call me crazy, will probably be pretty often througout the next four years.

i'm coining a term: the self-hating southerner. all me.

from fuckthesouth.com:

Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.

i don't want to write today. not right now. weekend was soaked (guess with what), my air conditioner fell out of the window.

interesting map sent to me by bunny, who i'm told got it from pisser, click to enlarge:

ohhhh... man date

the president says he has a mandate. i would have thought he'd be terrified of man dates, just like 51% of the country seems to be. i wonder where he and his man date are going. paddle boat swans? handsome cab ride? or perhaps hunting gophers in crawford? who can say. but you know there's going to be some serious dick-swinging going on.

so, i'm staying away from the election for a bit. i need a good weekend of toxins, sunshine, cool weather, and weed. although i don't have weed. i'll just roll up some parsley i guess. garnish my ass!

the new apartment is developing nicely. i'm going to do sort of a blogosphere pictorioal version of cribs soon, once i'm satisfied with the place.

album of the jour: fonda the invisible girl

concilliatory poem

my aunt, who lives in texas, sent me this:

The Election Is Over,
The Results Are Known,

The Will Of The People
Has Clearly Been Shown.

Let’s All Get Together
And Let Bitterness Pass,

I’ll Hug Your Elephant,
You Kiss My Ass.

--Anon.

i'm fooling with my template. pardon.

mandate?

try to get as much of this stuff in before the january 20 inauguration while you can:

- get that abortion you've always wanted
- hoard porn, gasoline, and stem cells
- burn an american flag
- do anything artistic
- make friends with a black person or gay person
- have gay sex
- have premarital sex
- have premarital gay sex
- watch the independent film channel
- get a tattoo and/or piercing
- drink a glass of clean water
- breathe as much fresh air as you possibly can
- eat fish and remember what it tastes like without mercury
- buy some kevlar
- look at a tree
- read what social security is (was) all about
- become an expert on evolution so you can tell your grandkids about it someday

got any more?

album of the jour: brian jonestown massacre strung out in heaven

hahaaaaaa... i'm online beetches! and i have gas!

i'll rephrase; natural gas services are now connected to my apartment, and i therefore can take hot showers instead of fear factor showers and whore baths.

very proud day for us and our families

well it couldn't have been much worse of a day/morning for us. i'm heartbroken. i feel like i just caught the love of my life boning her surf instructor sideways.

on the plus side it's going to be really entertianing watching so many people die and go broke and suffer over the next four years. isn't that what we in america are all about? entertainment and fun and excitement and explosions and drama at any cost? it's the only rationale i can come up with for what happened. we'll accept smoke and mirrors and hollywood special effects any day of the week before we accept substance and reason.

but things always have a way of balancing out, and that's not just the buddhist in me talking. right now our entire government is so heavily tilted that i think it will eventually implode on itself. we'll get to a point where the shit storm is so drastic that it will be impossible even for the rightiest among us to ignore, and the international community won't stand for it.

one important thing to remember is that what we need in this country is a movement. ralph nader's mantra was that we need extreme renovations in the two-party system. but what pissed me off is that he only turns up once every four years to shout this from the mount, and that dog will not hunt. the effort is much bigger than any one election and we have to remember that and keep working.

the only true worthy act in life is helping those that can't help you back, and that's something we can do regardless of what cake-fucker is in the white house.

and hey, at least we smartie-pants people have that much more evidence that we are rare and special. i feel special.

the ductility of fact

i'm of the opinion that, in general, liberals use reason and evidence to reach a rational conclusion, and republicans (not necessarily conservatives) reach a desired conclusion and then create the rationale they need to arrive at said conclusion.

my own liberal values are very important to me, but how much? would i (knowingly or unknowingly) skew the way i look at facts and news so that my personal progressive dogma remains sound in my own mind? i know i'm certian of my outlook on politics and believe strongly that i'm correct. what about the right-leaning person who is equally positive that they're right?

it's like the american civil war, in which both the north and south were sure that god was on their side. not much has changed except that the modern-day version is "my god is better than your god". who's right?

it seems that what liberals stand for is better for the country than what conservatives stand for, better for that majority of people who don't live the top-one-percent lifestyle. george bush has sought with every policy decision to deepen the pockets of wealthy cohorts at the expense of the lower class, upon whose back our economy rests. this doesn't seem right to me.

but the laundry list (or "litany" - i just made up that word) about what i find faulty with the bush administration is too long for me to even think about without the aid of drink and a hammer. suffice it to say, the country is in the toilet. those who say otherwise are just construing faulty logic and fooling themselves to safe-guard and placate their own values and interests. beeatch.

album of the jour: go vote your conscience fuckers

it was a very scattered weekend. the gas in my apartment hasn't been turned on yet so i had to take cold showers. i do not like cold showers. i have no cable yet either, so no internet. but i did drink alot (mostly from lack of anything better to do - not that i'm knocking lady drink). i like drinking.

i am excited about the election tomorrow. i just want it to be over.

i'm moving into the new pad tonight and i don't know when i'll get my internet service up and running. it could be working right now, or not until monday. it's all up to cocks (cox) communications. the bastards.

but i may audioblog after umpteen cocktails tonight.

my halloween costume

entitled "jenna bush's liver" and i am definitely ripping it off for halloween. this is the descripption:

Dive inside President Bush's rowdiest daughter with this ingenious re-creation of Jenna Bush's liver. Use old newspapers to stuff a Hefty bag to create the liver, then affix two or three paper-stuffed white bin liners for "diseased" spots. Rifle through the help's recycling bin for an empty Bud can and bottoms up!

there are several more great ideas here, definitely worth looking at.

and speaking of jenna, she and barbara were speaking at ohio state university, and the first thing out of her mouth was "it's great to be here in iowa!"

album of the jour: the delays faded seaside glamour

loved it, got sick of it, rediscovered how awesome it is.

why ashlee simpson is the best person in the whole wide world

everyone in blogworld is abuzz with all things ashlee. so, sorry, but i have to accede and dedicate one post to her.

i am dead gone head-over-heels in love with this girl. i love her jagged, awkward dancing. i love her voice. i love her hair that is the opposite of blonde. that makes me completely forget that she's jessica's sister.

i mean, that jessica is her sister.

i love the way she spells her name "ashlee" instead of the traditional and widely-accepted "ashley". normally i would find that retarded (apologies to retards) but when she does it somehow it's totally cool! for reals.

and oh my god, did you see those capri pants she was wearing on snl? nobody ever wears capri pants! she's such a trend-setter. i bought seven pairs of capri pants so i could be different, just like her.

and she's so insightful and well-grounded in her song-writing. i love her lyrics. especially when she talks about boys and love. i love love.

postscript: although i will only write one post about her, i reserve the right to make reference to her in future posts. probably in a context of disdain.

album of the jour: le tigre le tigre

because fuck fuck fuck oh fuck guliani. he's such a fuckin' jerk.

alarm cock

i saw an old maroon ford pick-up driving down the road at around 50 mph this morning with a live chicken sitting on its tool box. i.shit.you.not. i couldn't tell, but it looked like the chicken (it was a rooster actually) had a string or something around one of its legs, i'm guessing to keep it from blowing away. it was hard to see if it was anchored to anything.

imagine this: you're driving to work in the morning, barely awake, listening to whatever morning gizzfest with dj jake and the fatman (that was a great show), when all of a sudden a fucking live rooster smacks into your windshield. an extreme wake-up call, of sorts.

i miss the good old days when they just went cock-a-doodle-doo to wake you up. now they execute suicide missions jihad-style into moving cars' windshields.

come on, what state is better than louisiana? shaaaa.

album of the jour: the bangs call and response

i stole this from wonkette. tell me it isn't the greatest thing ever.

moving out!

cha-cha-cha. i found an apartment yesterday and am finally moving out... at long last. it's a duplex - i have the second floor, one bedroom, bath, living room, kitchen, outdoor deck, all for $350 a month. this morning i am quite the cat who swallowed the canary. it's within walking distance of downtown and its many watering holes.

and the guy who owns the house, my landlord, is also the owner of the zoo of acadiana and said he would give me free passes. that means i can hang with the monkeys any time! i mean, honest-to-god monkeys! and there's a white tiger!



i hope the girl on the first floor is cool with moderate weekend rowdiness. anyway, color me happy, for now.

album of the jour: interpol antics

initially i didn't like the new interpol, but it's growing on me. and often the growers turn out to be exceptional.

the gallop "poll"

this is from cnn.com:

In a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll published Monday, President Bush has a five percentage point lead over Sen. John Kerry among likely voters -- 51 percent saying they would back Bush, and 46 percent expressing support for Kerry. The margin of error is plus or minus 3 percentage points meaning the race for the White House is still very tight.

this is really good news, and here's why. the gallop polling organization has been consistently polling almost sixty percent registered republicans in their polls. earlier this month (last week maybe?) they had bush up by nine points, when in reality every other poll had them tied. and now gallop says bush's lead is down to five points, which ostensibly means kerry is ahead. of course you have to factor in the margin of error, alignment of the planets and other crap, but really it's a good sign.

also take into account the record number of new registrants this year (a huge amount, especially in ohio and florida), and the fact that first-time voters usually vote for the challenger 2 to 1. again, good sign.

that's my little politico-analysis for the day.

hetero genius

my doctor dictionary word-of-the-day today is heterogeneous, meaning composed of parts having dissimilar characteristics or properties (courtesy: dictionary.com). i understand it as being contradictory; "cognitive dissonance" resonates in the back of my brain.

reading the definition, what immediately comes to mind? being the uber-progressive that i am it should be easy to guess what i'm thinking. keep in mind our current cultural (and perhaps political) climate, and important events forthcoming.

ohhh, but it says "complex" is synonymous with heterogeneous, and my parallel is quashed.

read the litany (i had to use that word some time. i promise only once) of synonyms here, and think about it-that-shall-remain-nameless-today-for-no-particular-reason.

no room for "complication" these days (remember, you are either with us or against us). what else... "inconsistent"? what a larf! then comes your "mixed"s and "messy"s, and my favorite, "poles apart".

can you believe niether "flip" nor "flop" are listed?

i guess what i'm trying to say is that mondays suck balls, i have nothing salient to write about, and george bush licks taint.

album of the jour: rjd2 since we last spoke

one of my nominees for album of the year. at least top ten. although the year has some 'splainin left to do.

sunday morning music

and of course by "morning" i mean whenever (and if ever) i wake up on sunday. nonetheless, i've had something of a routine of listening to certain albums on sunday mornings, and today i thought i'd share. colon:

neutral milk hotel - in the aeroplane over the sea
the sundays - reading, writing and arithmetic (started out just because of the band name, but it really is good on a sunday morning)
francine - 40 on a fall day
the shins - oh inverted world
the detroit cobras - love, life and leaving
brian wilson - smile (latest addition)

i don't always listen to all of these, but that's the gist.

october 24, 2004 pledge: on october 24, 2005, i will have a much better day/night, without having many of my current goals unrealized. you got that year-from-now me? don't make me break my foot off in my ass.

you damn kids!

birthdays buh-loowwww. the higher the number the more quickly the years pass, so now it's just a slippery slope to bed sores and catheters. although not having to get up to piss is good. i should start planning for what to do in lieu of social security, since by the time my generation gets to that point our current president will have spent so much that the s.s. eligibilty age will be 105.

but i live in LA, the cancer belt of the nation. i'll probably get cancer or have s stroke before i get anywhere remotely close to retirement. if i were a cop i would definitely get killed my last day on the job. even if i were just a traffic cop, or a mall security guard (i am, none other than, la fours).



check out the mad paint skills suck-a-duck.

me, old: sitting on my tiny front porch all day drinking alka-seltzer, just waiting to cut up any nerf balls that come into my yard. i'll be putting out flaming bags of shit with my shoes and constantly picking up toilet paper. but yeah, that catheter will be great.

album of the jour: felix da housecat devin dazzle & the neon fever

problums with the cumputer box

the tape i used to record gg this week was defunct so i missed the latest episode. it completely spoiled my evening yesterday. i watch only two shows on television, is it so much to ask the vhs gods that i be allowed to do so unfettered?

it's is mindfucking how stupid some of our public educators are. we maintain the network for an entire parish (other states' "county") school system here. teachers call with the most assinine problems you could imagine. for instance:

"can't i just enter a person's name to send them an e-mail?"

but that's not even the question. the first thing they say is "my e-mail is broken, fix it."

we give them the benefit of the doubt (or we did formerly, rather), and check server settings and other bullplop that could cause an e-mail account to misfunction. after many maligned troubleshooting attempts (pulling teeth), it is made known that said teacher thinks she can send someone an e-mail by just typing their name in the "address" field (address book inclusions notwithstanding). her preferred method for addressing an e-mail:

send to: mary-jane rottencrotch

"i clicked send and it comes back! my e-mail is broken! jello!"

how do kids ever learn to read in this state.

album of the jour: stellastarr* stellastarr*

just some perspective

i write a post about gilmore girls one day, and the next i read an article about the ten thousand (10,000) people or so dying every month in darfur, and don't i feel like the fucking asshole.

this morning i was aggravated in traffic, wishing bad things would happen to the guy in the yukon in front of me who was going ten below the speed limit. then i read how refugees from sudan are also getting aggravated, because they saw their children raped, killed and mutilated the day before.

the next time i get remotely depressed i'm going to think about what it would be like to have a family member gang-raped and torn apart in front of me.

there's a list of donation sites on this page. take some frivolous item you're about to buy, put it back on the shelf, donate what it would have cost, and someone gets to stay alive for another month..

it's really pleasant and convenient to ignore these things that happen in the world and go about daily life, in which we complain about interpersonal drama and paying rent and what happened on some show last night. and it's not unconscionable to do so - such things are what affect our lives directly. it's natural to be concerned about them.

it's just important to keep some perspective. no matter what kind of shit gets dumped on us, there are always much worse things happening to others, and it's good to help if we can (and you know you can).

riggedy read

i've been remiss in watching the new season of gilmore girls, the only show on television i watch with consistancy, or at all really. i guess saturday night live too. but oh, how in love with lorelai and rory i am. how i wish i lived in star's hollow (yes it is a real place, i don't want to hear otherwise). and the korean drummer girl who makes all the cool musical references.... it all makes me hate the toilet town in which i live that much more. i like the show so much i'm even going to start watching smallville just for the wb charm.

damn television, as soon as i think i'm out it pulls me back in. siren whore.

here is some required reading that will scare the shit out of you. the second is lenghty but really, really good:

Post-war planning non-existent Warren P. Strobel and John Walcott, Knight Ridder Newspapers
Without A Doubt by Ron Suskind, NYT

read fuckers!

album of the jour: beulah yoko

bush's hot bulge

i haven't really bought into the quasi-conspiracy theories about the infamous bulge, but there are some pretty questionable pictures out there on the "internets" that clearly show something on his back, under his suit. plus i've noticed that he's been looking curiously stout lately - like he's got on kevlar under his clothes, or something equivalent.

ever notice how one side of his mouth drags? a very uneven smile... the result of a possible stroke? lucy you got some 'splanin to do.

jeb bush was on stephanopoulos this morning. what a scene.

are you ready bongs

today has been totally bogus man. i got impatient this morning and deleted files on my computer that it turns out are pretty important in the operation of everything. so my day thus far has been spent reloading.

i'm looking forward to drinking the many beers that come in a case tonight. the house is mine to myself this weekend, so i'm hosting a big blowout party for one. everyone's going to be there. b.my o.b.

not that i would otherwise be outside, but it's really too nice of a day to be in an office. joints were made for outdoor smoking on days like this.

these joints were made for smokin
that's just what i'll do
one of these days these joints are gonna
blee blah bloh bloh blue

i had a dream last night that i gave birth to a baby.

least favorite music stuff

nope, i'm sleepy and don't want to be here, have nothing to do, am alone in the office, but can't take a nap. here's a list of my least favorite music stuff and styles - it has a nice fm-radio theme to it:

britney, christina, pink, jessica, shakira - all the same, all suck. concerning jessica simpson - she is not attractive. she looks like she's had collagen injected into her chin. she is retarded. apologies to all the retards out there (except her fans).
boy bands - you know who they are; i can't actually type their names. their songs are not music. this includes any solo efforts by members therein.
train - drops of jupiter.....this is.just.bad. suck my ass
avril lavigne - i'm a punk! eff you! grrr!
evanescence - people will hate me for this, but they were not the first band of this style. they weren't the second. they weren't the third. they weren't the... not that the music is bad. i just hate it when a band breaks out with a "new" sound even though it's been done over and over by great bands no one has heard of. i guess it's not their fault, but it still sticks in my craw.
matchbox 20 - i need a shower
modern day hip-hop - why did rap become about nothing but booties.
rage rock - we're angry and must break stuff and scream because our swimming pools have too much chlorine. i've seen cribs, your lives are not that bad.
good charlotte - bad. charlotte. bad!
anything american idol-related - another proud moment for our country. i pride myself on never having seen an episode.
sean paul - is he jamaican? shaggy? just untalented?
99.9% of country music - the other one-tenth percent goes toward a select few alt-country artists (neko case) that i may or may not be in love with.

again, all music on fm radio... run away, run away.

razing arizona

Votergasm.org

i'm registered ladies... *wink

i'm thinking about the president's car ride to the debate tonight at arizona state. it's pretty well-known that asu is rated #1 among party schools in the country (i believe that's a playboy scientific find, so you know it's money). as such, i'm picturing george bush, staring out the limo window, barely able to sit still and chomping at the bit to get his hands on a beer bong.

he will be that puppy dog going on it's first ever car ride, running back and forth on the seats with excitement, trying to look out of every window at once, just dying to get out and sniff all the wonderful crotches.

meanwhile his staff does its best to keep the president on message. karen hughes has a mild taser and is trying to calm him down with sporadic electroshock. karl rove, bitch-slapping bush, yells "pull yourself together man!" condoleezza is updating her resume on monster.

and in a west virginia medium-security prison, martha stewart plays handball with the wall street crowd. what in the world?

album of the jour: apples in stereo velocity of sound

shoes and poon

it was really a nice morning outside - actually cool, clear skies, all that. we had the windows cracked on the way into work. while stopped at a red light the sounds were very serene - the traffic noise seemed sedated compared to other mornings.

then came a guy on a motorcycle. this motorcycle had no muffler (i'm guessing - what do i know about engines), was idling beside us, engine revving, very, very loudly. the light turned green and it sped off. i may not be a smart man, but i know what loud is (forrrrresst...).

why? why in the world? is there something cool about loud engines?

i'm starting to think most assinine things males do is related to some sort of napoleonic complex. has anyone ever noticed how alot of short men drive big trucks? overcompensation has to be the clearest indicator of insecurity there is. i think alot of men who live the big-male-bravado lifestyle (football face-painting, big diesel trucks, plaid, john deere hats, guns, racial slurs, hunting, etc.) are wrought with doubts about their own sexuality on a subconscious level.

i don't get this. social stigmas associated with those things are probably more male-oriented than, let's say, shopping for shoes, but associating oneself with those symbols seems like a really primordial way of compensating for some other perceived shortcoming.

why not just wear a shirt that says "i am straight. i will kick your ass"?

and of course i don't think all this applies to everyone (there's no such thing as a blanket rule). yes you can like football without being insecure - that's not what i'm saying. but in our current cultural climate you have to at least acknowledge the increasing prevalence of this big-swinging-dick mindset.

kind of off-topic, but not really: it's like 9/11 gave the overcompensators the excuse they were secretly and subconsciously (let's hope it was subconsciously) pining for to blow something up. all in an effort to cathardically exorcise pent-up male agression they generated to counteract their fear of being gay. or something.

can't i like shoe-shopping and poontang?

album of the jour: thingy to the innocent

r.i.p. superman

i was going to attach a nail-clipper to my keychain just now; i always need it at work but forget to bring it. i just clipped my nails, and now i can't get the clipper on the keyring because my nails are too short to open the ring enough to put it on. irony sucks.

things i thought about while trying to go to sleep last night:

isn't the word "forewarning" redundant?
what three things have i done wrong during the bush presidency?
why no lingerie commercials for the overweight individual?
william safire is a douchebag.
i should share more pictures of the cat on here.

my top 5 james spader movies:

1. pretty in pink............aristocratic ass
2. less than zero............evil drug-dealing ass
3. mannequin................nerdy, geeky managerial ass
4. secretary...................sadomasochistic ass-slapper
5. white palace.............getting ass and tiny hamburgers from susan sarandon

although i like pretty much everything spader does, those are the tops kiddos. with honorable mention to 2 days in the valley.

album of the jour: polara c'est la vie

*the new le tigre should be my album of the day every day for the rest of my life

attention whore perhaps?

someone explain to me how i'm going to get any sunday afternoon porno-browsing done with this weird growth on my arm. it wasn't there last night; i just noticed it. maybe some topical cream will reduce the swelling. i should see a doctor - about several things.

gotta go to bed. mom's coming, i gotta go to bed. too shweepy.

wheee-heeee!

that's the sound i made when i listened to the new le tigre album just now. i also ruined my pants in three different ways. think about that.

jesus freaks; soapbox warning

the following was inspired by this thread, from the blog of flamingo jones:

if i hear someone speak a sentence in the syntax "as is said in the book of xxxx, chapter xxxx, verse xxxx..." i'm going to have to karate chop that person in the larynx.

christianity doesn't work for me. bully for you if it does. i just loathe the demagoguery that looks down at and chastizes all religious views that don't completely coincide with theirs. these people are such. hypocrisy. fiends.

like rush limbaugh sitting in his little studio washing down oxycontins with circle k big gulps full of honey mustard while criticizing drug addicts and gluttons on the air. let's all listen because he's christian.

why this big "god-in-government" movement lately? does it seem to get more attention than it used to?

has there ever been a civilization in the history of man that has successfully operated under a theocracy? people seem to think that america's strength and founding principles stem from the bible. isn't america's strength derived from the fact that we avoided basing our constitution on the bible, or any religion?

morality and christianity aren't dependent upon each other these days(understatement of the year?). it seems like they're almost moving towards mutual exclusivity.

look what you did mel gibson! i want my eighteen dollars!

album of the jour: ellen allien berlinette

don't read if you're looking for original content

i hate filler lists like the following. i can't think of anything else worthy of posting right now.

firsts
first best friend: i'll let you know
first car: cutlass with no ac and non-working windows (typical microsoft)
first real kiss: a rough trick named annette
first break-up: same, when i ran out of dollar bills
first screen name: betterthanjesus, scourge of mIRC religious chat rooms
first self-purchased album: metallica black album (i know, shame. i was young)
first funeral: that "death of irony" thing after 9/11
first pet: little brother joseph (the family refers to him as "our little accident")
first piercing/tattoo: ear, no tattoo
first credit card: mastercard(s), just paid off
first enemy: skeletor
first big trip: acid
first music you remember hearing in your house: the mom and dad slap-fight percussion experience

lasts
last cigarette: wee hours of saturday morning
last car ride: what in god's name am i doing
last kiss: drunken make-out action in june
last good cry: 8:14 a.m.
last library book checked out: james joyce, ulysses
last book bought: immanuel kant, critique of pure reason
last movie seen: raising arizona
last beverage drank: diet rite
last food consumed: low-carb protein bar
last phone call: from an incompetant "how do i plug this in?" client
last time showered: last night
last shoes worn: whatever i have on my feet right now. don't feel like looking down.
last item bought: sexual favor
last annoyance: right now, filling out this pointless list
last time wanting to die: just a second ago, no a second ago, wait, this past second, that second just passed, this second, that second... now... now... now...

this template made possible by a grant from the bok chicken foundation.

album of the jour: unbunny snow tires

have we met? shall we dance?

favorite moment from last night was when cheney got up and cabbage-patched to the milkshake song when edwards commended him on his having a gay daughter. and it doesn't bother me that dick was the only person to vote against freeing nelson mandela - i always hated those glasses he wore and that insanely annoying laugh.

noooo, that was charles nelson riley. nevermind. cheney's an ass. a robotic sucker of souls.

please people, let's all vote these losers out.

toilet tidbit of the week: the bathroom door in our offices is usually open, but the boss man closes it sometimes after he uses it. it therefore terrifies me to have to open that door - who knows what evil lurks behind? why would you close a bathroom door after using it? does it not need airing out?

slow day in the life when i write about minor bathroom inappropriateness. derp.

album of the jour: coldplay a rush of blood to the head

it pains me to admit it, but this is a good album.

happy news

the louisiana supreme court ruled against amendment 1, defining marriage as being between one man and one woman, which passed overwhelmingly in a vote last month. it was worded poorly and also contained legislation banning all civil unions, and thus deemed unconstitutional, or something like that. i just heard it in passing on the radio and can't find any details yet. but good news. it seems louisiana incompetence finally proved useful in spite of itself.

uncle dick

go fuck yourself you cwazy wabbit...

it's been a while since it rained as hard as it did last night. it was comforting. i took pills and went to bed, dreaming that i was in the army shooting people who weren't in military uniforms, but football uniforms. i had kevlar, they had shoulder prads. i win.

but now i'm awake in the overcast, rainy weather and it doesn't suit me. being awake in any weather doesn't really suit me, but especially on such languid days as this. want to go back to my womb-room. my woom?

i spent money excessively this weekend. i am ubiquitously irresponsible with my finances. i'm also an overly-generous gullible fool. hee, and hee.

album of the jour: the thermals more parts per million

blurble

too. early. monday, monday. must... fuck... monday.

this weekend seemed like work. entertaining people is hard. and yet it comes so easily to me... gaff. it does not.

friday night fun, too much demon liquor. recognize need to lay off tequila shots. big blackout - how did i get back? where is my money? at least i still have my license. and why am i wearing my pants but not my underwear?

great talking to bunny and chicken. now they hate me. he hate me!

saturday night live season premiere was great. affleck dreamy.

album of the jour: minus the bear they make beer commercials like this

jethuth crith

someone suggested to me that i use the word "fag" too much on my blog. let's test. there's a dandy blog search feature in the upper-left-hand corner of this page. right now, type in "fag" and see how many posts come up, excluding this one.

eh? hmm? huh? ahhhhhhh.... what a hate-monger i am.

i understand though, reading is hard.

try it with the less-derogatory "queer", or "homo". whatever slur or epithet you can think of. just to prove what a bigoted motherscratcher i am.

if anyone thinks i'm racist please let me know. this world has enough liberal, open-minded, aclu-member racists in it without me contributing.

trying to sell crazy

i caught the last half of the debate - visceral, cathartic entertainment. at this point people who still support that colossal loser have to be in deep denial or just completely uninformed, or suffer from a karen-hughes-level of not-so-mild retardation. happy day.

something else i find hilarious is how everyone says the president is so "resolute" and did a good job of "staying on message". they are right in a way. but the reason he supposedly stays on message is because that little message of his is the only combination of words he knows.

if i sit in a corner staring at the wall saying "pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird" over and over again it's not because i'm resolute, it's because i'm fucking daffy.

jaw-dropper of the day (pun intended. read this and think about it):

A vehicle so extreme in its power, so incomparable in its appearance, that it defies any attempt to place it in a traditional category. Simply stated, HUMMER(tm) gives new meaning to the word invincible.

In keeping with its famous heritage, HUMMER(tm)Fragrance For Men is masculine with rugged and adventurous attributes. This classic yet bold new fragrance for men embodies all that HUMMER(tm)is.

i'm exhausted. tgif bitches.

album of the jour: !!! louden up now