r.i.p. superman

i was going to attach a nail-clipper to my keychain just now; i always need it at work but forget to bring it. i just clipped my nails, and now i can't get the clipper on the keyring because my nails are too short to open the ring enough to put it on. irony sucks.

things i thought about while trying to go to sleep last night:

isn't the word "forewarning" redundant?
what three things have i done wrong during the bush presidency?
why no lingerie commercials for the overweight individual?
william safire is a douchebag.
i should share more pictures of the cat on here.

my top 5 james spader movies:

1. pretty in pink............aristocratic ass
2. less than zero............evil drug-dealing ass
3. mannequin................nerdy, geeky managerial ass
4. secretary...................sadomasochistic ass-slapper
5. white palace.............getting ass and tiny hamburgers from susan sarandon

although i like pretty much everything spader does, those are the tops kiddos. with honorable mention to 2 days in the valley.

album of the jour: polara c'est la vie

*the new le tigre should be my album of the day every day for the rest of my life

attention whore perhaps?

someone explain to me how i'm going to get any sunday afternoon porno-browsing done with this weird growth on my arm. it wasn't there last night; i just noticed it. maybe some topical cream will reduce the swelling. i should see a doctor - about several things.

gotta go to bed. mom's coming, i gotta go to bed. too shweepy.

wheee-heeee!

that's the sound i made when i listened to the new le tigre album just now. i also ruined my pants in three different ways. think about that.

jesus freaks; soapbox warning

the following was inspired by this thread, from the blog of flamingo jones:

if i hear someone speak a sentence in the syntax "as is said in the book of xxxx, chapter xxxx, verse xxxx..." i'm going to have to karate chop that person in the larynx.

christianity doesn't work for me. bully for you if it does. i just loathe the demagoguery that looks down at and chastizes all religious views that don't completely coincide with theirs. these people are such. hypocrisy. fiends.

like rush limbaugh sitting in his little studio washing down oxycontins with circle k big gulps full of honey mustard while criticizing drug addicts and gluttons on the air. let's all listen because he's christian.

why this big "god-in-government" movement lately? does it seem to get more attention than it used to?

has there ever been a civilization in the history of man that has successfully operated under a theocracy? people seem to think that america's strength and founding principles stem from the bible. isn't america's strength derived from the fact that we avoided basing our constitution on the bible, or any religion?

morality and christianity aren't dependent upon each other these days(understatement of the year?). it seems like they're almost moving towards mutual exclusivity.

look what you did mel gibson! i want my eighteen dollars!

album of the jour: ellen allien berlinette

don't read if you're looking for original content

i hate filler lists like the following. i can't think of anything else worthy of posting right now.

firsts
first best friend: i'll let you know
first car: cutlass with no ac and non-working windows (typical microsoft)
first real kiss: a rough trick named annette
first break-up: same, when i ran out of dollar bills
first screen name: betterthanjesus, scourge of mIRC religious chat rooms
first self-purchased album: metallica black album (i know, shame. i was young)
first funeral: that "death of irony" thing after 9/11
first pet: little brother joseph (the family refers to him as "our little accident")
first piercing/tattoo: ear, no tattoo
first credit card: mastercard(s), just paid off
first enemy: skeletor
first big trip: acid
first music you remember hearing in your house: the mom and dad slap-fight percussion experience

lasts
last cigarette: wee hours of saturday morning
last car ride: what in god's name am i doing
last kiss: drunken make-out action in june
last good cry: 8:14 a.m.
last library book checked out: james joyce, ulysses
last book bought: immanuel kant, critique of pure reason
last movie seen: raising arizona
last beverage drank: diet rite
last food consumed: low-carb protein bar
last phone call: from an incompetant "how do i plug this in?" client
last time showered: last night
last shoes worn: whatever i have on my feet right now. don't feel like looking down.
last item bought: sexual favor
last annoyance: right now, filling out this pointless list
last time wanting to die: just a second ago, no a second ago, wait, this past second, that second just passed, this second, that second... now... now... now...

this template made possible by a grant from the bok chicken foundation.

album of the jour: unbunny snow tires

have we met? shall we dance?

favorite moment from last night was when cheney got up and cabbage-patched to the milkshake song when edwards commended him on his having a gay daughter. and it doesn't bother me that dick was the only person to vote against freeing nelson mandela - i always hated those glasses he wore and that insanely annoying laugh.

noooo, that was charles nelson riley. nevermind. cheney's an ass. a robotic sucker of souls.

please people, let's all vote these losers out.

toilet tidbit of the week: the bathroom door in our offices is usually open, but the boss man closes it sometimes after he uses it. it therefore terrifies me to have to open that door - who knows what evil lurks behind? why would you close a bathroom door after using it? does it not need airing out?

slow day in the life when i write about minor bathroom inappropriateness. derp.

album of the jour: coldplay a rush of blood to the head

it pains me to admit it, but this is a good album.

happy news

the louisiana supreme court ruled against amendment 1, defining marriage as being between one man and one woman, which passed overwhelmingly in a vote last month. it was worded poorly and also contained legislation banning all civil unions, and thus deemed unconstitutional, or something like that. i just heard it in passing on the radio and can't find any details yet. but good news. it seems louisiana incompetence finally proved useful in spite of itself.

uncle dick

go fuck yourself you cwazy wabbit...

it's been a while since it rained as hard as it did last night. it was comforting. i took pills and went to bed, dreaming that i was in the army shooting people who weren't in military uniforms, but football uniforms. i had kevlar, they had shoulder prads. i win.

but now i'm awake in the overcast, rainy weather and it doesn't suit me. being awake in any weather doesn't really suit me, but especially on such languid days as this. want to go back to my womb-room. my woom?

i spent money excessively this weekend. i am ubiquitously irresponsible with my finances. i'm also an overly-generous gullible fool. hee, and hee.

album of the jour: the thermals more parts per million

blurble

too. early. monday, monday. must... fuck... monday.

this weekend seemed like work. entertaining people is hard. and yet it comes so easily to me... gaff. it does not.

friday night fun, too much demon liquor. recognize need to lay off tequila shots. big blackout - how did i get back? where is my money? at least i still have my license. and why am i wearing my pants but not my underwear?

great talking to bunny and chicken. now they hate me. he hate me!

saturday night live season premiere was great. affleck dreamy.

album of the jour: minus the bear they make beer commercials like this

jethuth crith

someone suggested to me that i use the word "fag" too much on my blog. let's test. there's a dandy blog search feature in the upper-left-hand corner of this page. right now, type in "fag" and see how many posts come up, excluding this one.

eh? hmm? huh? ahhhhhhh.... what a hate-monger i am.

i understand though, reading is hard.

try it with the less-derogatory "queer", or "homo". whatever slur or epithet you can think of. just to prove what a bigoted motherscratcher i am.

if anyone thinks i'm racist please let me know. this world has enough liberal, open-minded, aclu-member racists in it without me contributing.

trying to sell crazy

i caught the last half of the debate - visceral, cathartic entertainment. at this point people who still support that colossal loser have to be in deep denial or just completely uninformed, or suffer from a karen-hughes-level of not-so-mild retardation. happy day.

something else i find hilarious is how everyone says the president is so "resolute" and did a good job of "staying on message". they are right in a way. but the reason he supposedly stays on message is because that little message of his is the only combination of words he knows.

if i sit in a corner staring at the wall saying "pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird" over and over again it's not because i'm resolute, it's because i'm fucking daffy.

jaw-dropper of the day (pun intended. read this and think about it):

A vehicle so extreme in its power, so incomparable in its appearance, that it defies any attempt to place it in a traditional category. Simply stated, HUMMER(tm) gives new meaning to the word invincible.

In keeping with its famous heritage, HUMMER(tm)Fragrance For Men is masculine with rugged and adventurous attributes. This classic yet bold new fragrance for men embodies all that HUMMER(tm)is.

i'm exhausted. tgif bitches.

album of the jour: !!! louden up now

this is a post

my nyc-dwelling friend jill is coming to town this weekend. it's always a party with jill! she lives in brooklyn... no sleep from. my parents are also in town this weekend, hopefully with a bounty of gifts for their eldest in tow. they like to bribe me for attention. i don't mind.

i'm about to join bmg again. love getting 12 cd's in the mail at once for mega savings, savings, savings. poor bmg, i must have signed up twenty different times in my cd-wrangling tenure. i have more aliases registered with them than.... some... crime person with a lot of aliases. fuck. you can't really get away with that anymore, but it doesn't matter because their selection sucks. after this order there is nothing else they have that i'll want, so it's the end of the affair. i'll probably post the list of what i order just to take up space.

debates tonight - i'd watch it but i would have had to start drinking about four hours ago, so i guess that's an uh-uh. it'll just be style versus substance anyway.

album of the jour: huggy bear taking the rough with the smooth

the cock blocker

the audioblogging makes me nervous (post below). i like having the ability to edit the harangue that comes out of my word hole. as long as i don't try to sound cool i won't be embarrassed. when i try to sound cool i couldn't sound more like a friggin' fag (mister hat). good times. good times.

advantage - me; my cell is small, and shouuld be easy to sneak into jail. it would also make a fairly decent cock blocker in case the soap eludes me in the shower. sorry romper stomper, *occupied*.

all the south park references this morning...

are people watching the debate thursday? i'll leave it on while i'm sleeping. hopefully i won't have a debate-related sex dream. i figured out that the reason i dreamt about lisa kudrow the other day was because friends came on during my nap and subliminally slipped into my mind. i wish it had been jennifer aniston instead of lisa kudrow.

i should just be happy it wasn't ross. i have enough problems.

album of the jour: cibo matto stereotype a

may the wasabe be with you....

i just woke up from a nap. i had a dream i was in my junior high p.e. class and some guy was giving me a big hit of acid and i took it and ran outside to shoot a music video but coach yelled at me to go back in and run laps around the gym so i put on sunglasses and a panama hat and a pale yellow sport jacket as a disguise and snuck out.

last night i had a sex dream about lisa kudrow. i'll take a sex dream any day over a jr. h.s. p.e. acid-trip dream.

i'm booorrred and i wan go home. fuck you four o'clock. get out of the effing way so four-thirty can get here, you selfish a-hole.

when the phone is ringing i complain about working, when it doesn't ring i complain about the stagnation. you can't win. just die already. die!

i could clean out my desk, but don't wanna.

cell phone = silicon?

someone tell me what two old people lying in a hammock has to do with a cell phone (this is the model i bought, by the way). does this mean my cell phone will make me happy? and old? and wear pastels?

i hope not, i hate pastels. consequently, not a fan of easter either.

the idea of lounging in a hammock with a sugar momma isn't that unappealing, although i hope she's not in her late sixties as the lady in the picture appears to be.

is the old guy copping a feel? i hope my cell phone enables me to cop feels when it comes in. copping feels is great.

i apologize in advance... who were the ad wizards that came up with this one?

album of the jour: the primitives lovely

say it ain't so phil, say it ain't so.

cow is your friend

i just got out of our monday meeting and the boss referred to the fiscal year as the "physical" year. i want to hear him say "nuclear".

i've had it with meat. from now on nothing but raw vegetables and nuts. maybe fish. and eggs since i'm pro-choice. i don't eat swine. mace windu told me pigs and cows are "filthy animals", and i won't eat filthy animals anymore. i'll live like them, but i won't eat them. no more! even when they come with cheese and a side dish of dem 'taters (ya shudnt'a dun dat ee just a boy). nope. i'm vegetarian, i am out of the closet... or the meat locker. eff you national cattlemen's beef association!*

*funny that there is such a thing. i bet the conventions have ambulances standing by with defibrillators.

and frankly i'm also getting pretty tired of tolerating all the lactose.

album of the jour: the smiths meat is murder

couldn't resist.

not funny ha-ha, but funny

i check out cnn.com sometimes just to see what they consider news, and today on the home page under the "top stories" heading were the following news bits:

• Beer Belly Bandit strikes again
• Web site offers after-death e-mail
• Dreams fueling space tourist industry

then, if you sift to the "world" news page, you can find the following story:

Iran insists nuclear program is peaceful

what is going on? am i insane? don't answer, let me repharse. am i insane because i think nuclear weaponry is more important than a fat bank robber?

my theory is that mother nature is sending all these hurricanes to florida because they fucked up the election.

well, not so much a theory as a wild-eyed, foundless, hangover-induced grouping of words i know.

album of the jour: sing-sing the joy of sing-sing

can you lick me now?

i succumbed to modern technological trendy bastardism and got a cell phone. i think i arrived at the cellular party fashionably late enough. now i can audioblog from the club, from some stranger's bedroom, and eventually from jail. i thought about getting the camera flip-phone but i wouldn't go a month without breaking it. the one i bought looks like i could drop it at least a couple of times, which is likely considering my predilection for all the drunk-dialing.

who doesn't like the drunk-dialing?

speaking of which, the case awaits.

i just heard several police sirens go by (we are near the airport). don't let the door hit you, fuckhole.

dick!

on the way in this morning there was an unusual number of police cars at random places on the side of the road. it was weird. then i came in and started reading the newspapers and it turns out that the veep creep dick himself was speaking in lafayette this morning.

fuck.

i wish it would have been on a saturday. i wish it would have been open to the public.

what about this for a t-shirt: the word "dick", inside a red circle with a line through it... when the secret service comes to arrest you for dissent you can say that you're just expressing your distaste for fags, and you support the preservation of the sanctity of marriage (incidentally, what does that even mean?). you'd have to actually say "fags" to sound like a true moron.

album of the jour: polara polara

happy birthday mom

last week i ordered almost thirty cd's from half.com, which i think has the best prices you can find anywhere for cd's - if someone knows a better place please share.

anyway, i'm not going to open any until they've all come in so i can have one big musical christmas-like orgy of paper-ripping and clapping and moustache-twisting. yeah i clap when i get new things.

the following - not necessarily new but have recently discovered and love like heroin:

holly golightly - serial girlfriend
clearlake - cedars
the charlottes - lovehappy
14 iced bears - wonder
fingathing - and the big red nebula band
arto lindsay - salt
the thrills - let's bottle bohemia

interesting letter from our local rag:

Quick question about sanctity of marriage
If marriage is such a sacred institution and needs constitutional protection then why not make divorce illegal?

-Philip Dupre

grand-ish tetons

i found this quiz by reading shanna's blog - all credit where credit is due. for the females you can get your boobie names, and for the lonely among you, i am...

Your Penis Name is: The Bald Avenger

Get your own Penis Name

yes, it's true... i am the bald avenger. my secret identity is thusly blown (snap!).

cold mountain - i get the whole odyssey correlation. it wasn't terrible, but if you're going to watch a movie paralleling the odyssey then watch o brother where art thou (she done up an' r-u-n-n-o-f-t).

nicole kidman flashed a little nee-po in this movie (obviously cold, not so much a mountain). i'm not that enthusiastic about the nipple anymore. high school and college were niptastic times. nowadays i look at the female pacifiers and have about the same reaction as looking at my own. that's not right.

i still at least appreciate a good boobie, but it's not the same. is this what getting older is like? you stop appreciating nudity? damn you internet! you and your busty german frauleins...

and latina housemaids and turkish amputees and hermaphroditic midgets and strap-on donkey-punchers...

i need psychotropic drugs. i'm going to go snort air freshener in the bathroom.

album of the jour: the like young so serious

i know alot of people secrete bodily fluids over the white stripes (jack white had a bit part in cold mountain by the way), but with all due respect, fuck them. if you want to listen to a good boy-girl guitar-drum group check out the like young. they record their albums in their living room. bless their hearts.

pssst, meg... this is what "keeping the beat" sounds like.

today's secret word: abeyance

there's a troubling pattern that's developed in american culture over the last few weeks, or months or years, which has been following this archetype: predictable pending shit, shit happening, and the populous accepting said shit. for instance(s):

presidential claims contradicted by fact? facts are so passe.
white house incompetance? incompe-what?
more people dead? yeah the population was a tad high.
2 x 3 = 11? and your point?
2 + 2 = 5? thom yorke is crazy.

papa got a brand new bag? well, a) papa hasn't worked in two years and could never afford it, and b) he died a week ago because he couldn't pay for treatment for his epstein barrs..

as this apocalyptic trend has been all the rage lately, i'm going to force my head down hard into the sand where i will either be rendered unconscious therein or just be immune from this "world" without. i'm not writing about it anymore. maybe once a week when the other juices just ain't flowin'. the whole thing (i almost used the word "quagmire" there, but if i hear that word too many more times i'm going postal - metaphorically or in actuality; i can get good guns now) infuriates me more than i should let it, so i'm not going to let it anymore.

i'm probably full of shit and this is just a passing fanciful idea that suits me right here and now. but really it's not a bad one.

78 to 22. one in five.

a ten-point lead for he-who-shall-not-have-brain.

i just saw cold mountain last night (more about the movie later) . i pulled this quote, in reference to the american civil war, because i think it's still applicable:

"...and every piece of this is man's bullshit! They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining!'"

album of the jour: the sounds living in america

tegan and sara

i've had some pretty weird daydreams of these two canadian lesbian twins getting romantic with each other while one of their songs plays in the background. regardless of that, their new cd is uber-fantastic. check it out.

this is a clip from their previous album, recorded very poorly (just an excuse to acclimatize myself to the audioblogger):

louisiana's wonderful marriage amendment deal passed by a narrow 78-22 margin (or something close to that). score one for slack-jaws everywhere.

it's almost a chronic obsession of mine to have clean hands. on average i would say i wash my hands fifteen to twenty times a day, not counting showers or the times when i use soap to shock the monkey. i just don't like it when my hands feel oily or gritty, which happens alot when i take computers apart and have to rip out various components that haven't seen the daylight for months and thus collect copious amounts of dust and skite.

this has been an extremely useless and uninteresting post about nothing, brought to you by the letter "k", and i may someday write a book. but it's early and monday and i have too much crap to do, so suck it long and suck it hard.

album of the jour: tenki view of an orbiting man

where i live the voting precinct is really tiny. one of the people working the voting booths today told me there had been over a hundred people that voted thus far (i was 127), which is a good deal considering that about eleven showed up to vote in the democratic primaries (the last vote). take that to mean what you will, but i think people are almost eager to vote against same-sex marriage and this amendment is going to pass very, very easily. very, very sad.

see: gritty fagina two posts down

platelets anyone?

it's official: my office is full of racist bigot bastards. it's a regular good ole boy convention in my boss's office right now, full of white men with big guts and cajun accents talking about "fucking fags" and the "rainbow festival" going on this weekend. i smile to the faces. very good for me that i at least have access to my sane little blog world during the workday. merci buckets all.

i've decided that this year for halloween i am going to dress up as a stem cell. supposedly stem cells are this year's "hot button" issue. i think a stem cell costume would really be slimming and accentuate my rock hard well-toned ankles. i could wear a sign saying "research this!". it would be great to get other people to dress up as nerve cells or liver cells to go trick-or-treating with me in heavily christian neighborhoods.

"and what are you dressed up as little boy?"
"i'm a stem cell ma'am. make with the candy corn and progressive thinking."



album of the jour: french kicks one time bell

illustration of my previous post:

gritty fagina

louisiana is a fucking pitiful excuse for a civilizaztion with a 90% right-brained, no-brained, latenttly homosexual, homophobic, alcoholic, cholesterol-coagulated, short-sighted, bible-brandishing, penis-flapping, tit-flashing-for-plastic (and not amex plastic) , ackwards-bassed, misguided, inane, mambo-number-5, laissez les bon bon rouler you-got-a-purty-mouth head-in-the-sand inbred FUCKS on the planet... this state fucking sucks a fat baby's balls.

so does the country. americans are turning into neo-nazi facist fuck suckers who only respect the bible and money. actually, fuck the bible. just money.

oh please tell me elizabeth how exactly does one suck a fuck?

right now i can drop my pants, piss in your face and tell you it's raining and you will smile. right? i'll have to charge you for it, but i will let you pay me.

and thank god and our lord-saviour jesus christ that i can channel my rage through my brand new ak-47.

remember that south park episode where kyle develops a life-threatening raging hemorrhoid because really great things start happening to cartman?

i want to be swimming in the carribean with animals hiding behind the rocks.

where is my mind

i can't be friends with smash for the next couple of weeks (she's completely devastated) because she's going to austin city limits this weekend, and i am not. this is the epitomy of self-knife time if ever there was such a thing... the pixies people, the pixies.... i get sick thinking of it. if i were a truly courageous and indignatious indie fan i would just quit the job and go anyway, eff the consequences. so that's it - my true clandestine nature is thusly revealed - i am a big scaredy pussy-pussy chicken man. mea culpa mea culpa.

i need things to do this weekend to keep acl off of my mind... i was just going to do the weekend ritualistic beer/sleep/pills/sleep thing, but then i remembered what i'm missing out on and am seriously considering making friends with gasoline-soaked rags. open to constructive suggestions.

i ordered a rowing machine and since it came in i've been burning lots of calories moving the hulking box, equipment unassebled and still inside, to and fro out of my way when i enter and leave my room. feel the burn. i'm going to eschew setting it up prior to... let's say october, because... october is when my new mexico river rapids virtual experience dvd comes in, and then i could set up the rower in front of the tv and have the dvd running whilst i row. then i just need a life jacket and a small squirt gun to simulate a true white water experience.

speaking of white water, uhhhh... fuck. insert your own wry porno reference here, it's early and i got nothing.

since everyone likes stereotype quizzes, here's another one i took a while back that's fun: which enemy of the christian church are you? for the record i came in as an atheist. credit to sierra for finding the high school one.

no, the dvd new mexico river rapids virtual experience does not exist.

album of the jour: onelinedrawing the vounteers

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

retrospectively speaking

i've begun acclimatization to pre-1980 music, as was suggested to me by murph himself. bnads (i was going to correct that typo but i think i like bnads better) include: the velvet undergound, bowie, the beach boys (my aunt actually has pet sounds on vinyl), the kinks... and despite an inexplicable life-long grudge, the beatles (my distaste exists on two levels: one, i think my parents used to listen to them; and 2, i've heard them referred to as the first boy band). not so inexplicable after all i guess.

i've no real intention of exploring any other older stuff presently, except your momma. i would still take recommendations, assuming you've perused my album list and think there is something i'd like. just pimp it out negroes.

i am now and have always been addicted to new releases and invention/exploration in music, but i realize that it's important to recognize lineage and influence. but remember, one foot in tomorrow and one in yesterday means you're pissing on today (thank you AA).

and while i'm on the subject, i really wish every person with a blog would have some list with their favorite albums on it (there's that "favorite music" section of the profile, but that's too non-specific, i.e. complete crap). you can tell a great deal about people by the cd's they like. an on-line cd favs list would be the virtual equivalent of having up-skirt priveleges on someone. yeeowsah.

i honestly don't care what people put in a paragraph describing themselves. vanity or unawareness always skews a person's autobiographical information (if you have ever described yourself as "sexy" then we can't be friends anymore).

album of the jour: mates of state our constant concern

monday bloody monday

hooray, finally i can buy a tech-9 to more efficiently kill squirrels behind my trailer. the barrel is also a perfect size for cleaning out earwax. and kim jong il is shrooming. we all have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

people i meet are starting to equate to funerals i may one day have to attend. every time you have any sort of long-lasting relationship with someone, be it professional or friendly or romantic, whatever, you potentially become obligated to attend a funeral at some point in time. did i not just find a positive spin on having no friends? yes i think so... (thank you fox news!).

the actual death part doesn't concern me that much, it's the fact that i'm going to have to dress up and attend an hour-long ceremony... and in a church no less. of course i wouldn't necessarily be required to go, but seriously, how do you get out of a funeral without coming across as a raging jackass? i could always just send a card saying "i wanted to go but it just would have been too painful for me, just too painful". that's what college was for - teaching you how to bullshit your way out of uncomfortable situations.

but then you run the risk of having some sort of intervention where friends/family sit down and lecture you on the finer points of closure, and that would probably be worse than sitting through the funeral.

do you get free food after funerals? because then i may reconsider.

i am one morose motherfucker. lots of shit in the cereal today, bong.

album of the jour: burnside project the networks, the circuits, the streams, the harmonies

hurricane is so the sexy. i'm impressed by how expansive and awe-inspiring they can be. not as impressive when they come to louisiana and nix the power for two weeks, forcing me to live sans air conditioning and anything interesting to do (which is why it's important to stock up on the gin beforehand kids). still, i find myself frequenting the weather channel website often these days. the scorpions rule.

damn you blueberry boat

what is happening to my musical sensibility....i'm starting to really enjoy almost anything that sounds new and inventive, and i can't tell if it's good or not, just that i enjoy it for being different. case-in-point: the fiery furnaces. mini operettas? how does this fit in with anything i've loved in the past? how? how? is this just a symptom of aging? maybe i've developed such a distaste for modern-day bubble-gum culture that different always equals good? i dont' want to be some sort of pedantic musical elitist (don't know what a musical elitist is? read practically any review from pitchfork media) that thinks something is good just because it's obscure and strange. is this positive evolution or regression? help me jerry, help me!



i guess what i'm really asking is whether or not anyone else likes the fiery furnaces.

album of the jour: rachel goswell waves are universal

essen this

for reasons unknown the german city "schtutgart" has been going through my mind repeatedly over the past two days. i can't stop thinking and saying schtutgart... schtutgart.... schtutgart.... it's really a fabulous word to say. does it make me a fascist because i find the german language amusing? because i like sauerbraten and husky frauleins and beer in the morning? does this make me a subconscious nazi? yes, yes it does. it also makes me an alcoholic, but only when i drink.

but have you ever seen german porn? it's blooming hysterical! every german phrase that i know has been derived from german porn (all i really need to know i learned on leckenmeinskrotum.com? my new book...). you may have to babelfish that one. if your mind is twisted and remotely imaginative then you probably won't.

there's a foreign language teaching method our educational system may have overlooked - learning through porn (one plus one... plus one... plus a llama... equals... hump-backed babies?). it's all about peaking the interest of todays youth and tomorrow's scheizer essers.

remember that tool* song off of aenima that sounded like some sort of raging hitler youth rally, all in german, that was supposedly just a recipe for waffles? remember that? yeah.

*i do not now like nor ever have liked tool. way back then (1996-ish) a friend made me listen to that song over and over again, hence the walk down memory lane.

a brief walk down mammary lane - my trig teacher had big bressesses. consequently i have no idea what sines, cosines, or tangents are.

here is some funny stuff:

Pleasure Boat Captains for Truth ad

White House West with Will Ferrell

album of the jour: magnapop hot boxing

the taste of originality

generally i try to avoid soft drinks for the high-sugar content, but i found a new reason to dislike dr. pepper this weekend. i saw commercials featuring leann rimes, reba mcentire (more like hack-entire. score!), and b2k (i feel dirty just typing those three characters in a row) singing their versions of the soft drink jingle. i think it's pretty fair to say that when you lend your celebrity to a cola, your artistic integrity ranks somewhere between milli and vanilli. i remember seeing cyndi lauper do a dr. pepper commercial as well. of course n'sync (again, i feel dirty) did a chili's commercial... and maybe mcdonald's? can't exactly remember.

celebrity endorsement - what better evidence is there that it's all about the benjamins.

sammy sosa likes pepsi.... maybe i should like pepsi too! who the fuck is sammy sosa?

hey america, let's form a think tank whose sole purpose is to invent new ways of selling out. an algonquin round table of greed, as such.

also, dennis hastert (speaker of the house - third in command) is a screaming sheep fucker.

there is now a tag board amidst the right column brickabrack if you want to unleash some sentiment non-specific to any post. my wife has an inner ear infection.

album of the jour: dressy bessy pink hearts yellow moons

warped nihilism

woo woo, football season started. look how excited i am. see? see the excitement on my face? watch. watch. this is how excited i am. look.

labor day actually takes on significance when you have a job. no spectacular significance mind you; it's still a day in my life. frankly i'm indifferent on being off or not. how generation-xyz of me right?

album of the jour: the vines winning days

their first album pissed me off - maybe two decent songs and filler. i fucking hate that. this one is a good listen though, definitely more substantive.

strong oak man

fridays seem to be slow blog reading/writing days. why, why? perhaps due to all the "normies" making party plans for the upcoming extended weekend. fucking normies.

as for my weekend plans (who am i kidding - plan, just one), tonight is michelob night. it has been nye and twenty nights (i don't know what that means - three weeks) since my last tasty beverage, strong-willed oak man that i am (easy to not drink when unconscious). yes, i will draw a nice bath and light candles, and my chardonnay, bath beads, and norah jones cd will spend some quality labor-day-weekend time in the salle de bains. strong oak man.

i only admit this because it's friday and people don't read on friday. my personal equivalent of white house bad-news releases on fridays. drink and forget...drink and forget...sleeeepy....sleeeeepy...poppies...poppies...

actually it's just beer, cigarettes and really loud music.

is it necessarily bad to drink alone? i rather enjoy it... and it's not like i'm sitting in the dark crying and rubbing my nipples while i drink the pain away. it's optimistic alcoholic solitaire.

album of the jour: forget cassettes instruments of action

did anyone notice karen hughes mouthing the words to the speech along with bush? they showed her doing it on cspan, i don't know about any of the other coverage. i feel so sad for her. meh, not really.

this is an excerpt from kerry's midnight speech in springfield, ohio last night (tonight). just the best part of the speech really. i'd love to hear more just like this, only a little more scathing maybe.


The election comes down to this. If you believe this country is heading in the right direction, you should support George Bush. But if you believe America needs to move in a new direction, join with us. John and I offer a better plan that will make us stronger at home and more respected in the world. And we need your help to do that.

For three days in New York, instead of talking about jobs and the economy, we heard anger and insults from the Republicans. And I'll tell you why. It's because they can't talk about the real issues facing Americans. They can't talk about their record because it's a record of failure.

We all saw the anger and distortion of the Republican Convention. For the past week, they attacked my patriotism and my fitness to serve as commander in chief. Well, here's my answer. I'm not going to have my commitment to defend this country questioned by those who refused to serve when they could have and by those who have misled the nation into Iraq.

The vice president even called me unfit for office last night. I guess I'll leave it up to the voters whether five deferments makes someone more qualified to defend this nation than two tours of duty.

Let me tell you what I think makes someone unfit for duty. Misleading our nation into war in Iraq makes you unfit to lead this nation. Doing nothing while this nation loses millions of jobs makes you unfit to lead this nation. Letting 45 million Americans go without health care makes you unfit to lead this nation. Letting the Saudi royal family control our energy costs makes you unfit to lead this nation. Handing out billions of government contracts to Halliburton while you're still on their payroll makes you unfit. That's the record of George Bush and Dick Cheney. And it's not going to change. I believe it's time to move America in a new direction; I believe it's time to set a new course for America.

just like brian wilson

i must not be a fan of my own free time. something i just realized ( not just realized, but just thought about) is that i sleep through practically every hour of the day/weekend that i am not at work. and usually not natural sleep - always induced by this pill or that pill or the other pill. i'm in my mid-twenties (25 - almost mid-twenties some would say) and i'm going to wake up one morning in a mid-life crisis and realize how utterly i squandered my youth and life, lamenting that i never did the things young people do because i am a hermit and a coward and a slacker and have preconceived misconceptions about the world that shouldn't matter, despite their absurdity.

time is not linear, or even cyclical. it's a single fucking point. wasn't i just on a field trip? didn't i just graduate? the year 2020: wasn't i just 25? what the hell happened? i'm obsessed with the concept of time.

is it wise to keep striving for a lifestyle that may not be in the cards, or should i just acquiesce to the blessed mean... become a run-of-the-mill worker drone and buy dockers and drink starbucks and check the weather channel every ten mintutes before the hour to see if it's going to rain so i don't muss my dockers.

being a hermit is addictive.

album of the jour: the get up kids on a wire

their new album (guilt show) sucks, but that one is good. and i'm not a huge fan of emo.

let's all get the kool-aid ready

this is just about the dumbest printed letter-to-the-editor i have ever read. it comes from my beloved local lafayette daily advertiser - which itself isn't exactly a model of journalistic insight. but still, to print such a letter is deplorable. when you read sentiment such as this your opinion of people's social and interpersonal acumen really takes a dive, no matter how low it already was.

people like this are the reason i'm on so much medication these days. anyway, it's not long:


War is about who can last longest, kill most
August 31, 2004

I am outraged at how people have been saying negative things about the war in Iraq. People are saying that the number of U.S. troops killed is too high, and we should have pulled out. In WW II alone the U.S. had hundreds of thousands killed, and they’re whining about a few hundred?

The whole idea of war is who can last the longest and kill the most. I have sympathy for all families that may have lost a loved in Iraq, but freedom is not free — it’s earned. You fight for the right to be free. Freedom is why our troops are dying in Iraq, for their freedom.

Most of the media adds to the confusion by reporting heavily on things like casualties, car bombings and Bush-administration bashing. I am a firm believer that the media has a Left-based agenda.

I’m just saying they should give it a break. Support the troops and keep you mouth shut until the war is over. These are terrorists that “hate” America. You can’t reason or talk peace with them.

John Cramer
Maurice


i hear the american dollar goes pretty far in costa rica. anyone?

album of the jour: ken stringfellow soft commands

my previous post may have been a tad uncalled for. or maybe it was called for. whatever. i have to remind myself that as a liberal i have to tolerate others' opinions, no matter how assinine they may be.

big guns big dicks big oil: unaware and proud of it

for what seems like an eternity i have tried to harbor the utmost tolerance and respect towards those whose political allotment differs from mine, and in regards to republican ideology, i still do. i think that name-calling in any debate is totally uncalled for, which hopefully will iterate my frustration in the following post. it's just that the time has come:

if you vote for george w. bush this november, you are stupid.

every argument made on his behalf is easily refutable. i keep myself very updated on the issues being debated, and each candidate's stance, and on every possible defense of bush's policies and agendas i find serious, blatant fault. here are some examples of what bush said he would do and what the reality is:

"i'm a uniter not a divider" - the entire world hates us

"no child left behind" - education in turmoil, 40+ children per classroom. although an uneducated, easily-brainwashed population fits right in with their plans...

billions promised to new york after 9/11 - has payed a tiny fraction of funds promised, resisting every step of the way (but will gladly exploit the tragedy in political ads and the rnc backdrop)

"the vast majority of my tax cuts go to the middle class" - heavy tilt of tax breaks to top one percent

"i wanna be the peace president" <--> "i'm a war president" (some might consider this a flip-flop?)

iraqi oil money will go towards reconstruction - oil money going to no-bid contracts for haliburton, which can't seem to account for their expenses charged

"mission accomplished" - are you kidding?

"best economy in 20 years" - worst economy since hoover (depression of early 30's)

" will strengthen national security"- cut funding for police and fire departments, our seaports are totally open and vulnerable

i will create jobs - tax breaks to companis that outsource

pro-life - most executions of any state (tx) ever*

*despite republican control of the senate and the house, and a republican majority on the supreme court, he has not passed nor even attempted to pass legislation outlawing abortion. what say you christian right?

and concerning religion... i am certainly no theologian, but wouldn't sending kids off to die in a foreign war based on lies (oh, and oil, and a family vendetta) constitute a violation of the "thou shalt not kill/lie" commandments (also think of the executions)? i guess his particular sect of church allows him to pick and choose which principles to adhere to. evangelical christianity sounds great - gotta get me some of that. read tartuffe by moliere - striking correlation.

seriously, how many kicks to the head do people need before realizing that this administration is worse than nixon's? karl rove is a soulless devil, dick cheany is a robot whose sole goal is to make money, rumsfeld is incompetent and likes his big guns, ashcroft is a lawless tool, mcclellan is a shell-of-a-human-being mouthpiece, condoleeza's sole job is to explain the president's screw-ups, powell allowed himself to be used, and karen hughes is a pathetic wannabe (or maybe more like a loyal lapdog trying desperately to please her master for reflected glory). and laura bush, you are a brainless pacifist who would rather see women's rights revert to the times of the 50's than have them voice opinions - all about the subservience.

draft-dodging chicken-hawk war pimps one and all.

and do people not know that he has been on vacation forty percent of his presidency? how many of us get nearly that much time off from our own jobs?

john kerry is, of course, not perfect. he wouldn't have been my first choice as the party nominee. but he is figuratively (and literally) head and shoulders above bush in every possible way. in fact his integrity may lose him the election, since he takes the high road and refuses to hit back hard against lying advertisements (he wouldn't even have to lie in bush attack ads - just re-read dubya's record, it's pathetic in and of itself).

right now if you can't see how obviously contradictory everything that comes out of george's mouth is, then you are stupid. if you believe an obvious and baseless lie if it is repeated to you often enough, then you are stupid. and if you do not seek any knowledge beyond headlines and campaign ads and bumper stickers, then you are stupid. if you vote for bush because he is a republican and you value party loyalty, you are stupid (john mccain i'm sending bad vibes your way). and if you vote for bush in november, you'll get what you deserve.

unfortunately, everyone else will get what you deserve as well.

album of the jour: half cousin the function room

i just got home and read this article in the new york times. who's coming to canada with me? british columbia.... lots of weeeeed.. ?

got to go, hey hey, ho ho

watching the hundreds of thousands of people protesting peacefully in nyc is making me very jealous (there is great coverage on cspan). a little wish-i-was-there envy, you know.

that is one large free speech zone. it's nice to see that so many people aren't complete dullards and share a certain fervor for justice and peace. granted, it's new york, the bastion of liberalism, but still. and that just goes to show that the only reason new york city is playing host to the rnc is that the republican party wants to capitalize on the backdrop of the 9/11 attacks. shame shame shame.

it's such a close race right now. i have real concerns about the outcome. fight the good fight, i guess.

album of the jour: francine 40 on a fall day

the steps

always with the saturday night doldrums. i don't think i'll ever truly enjoy saturday nights until i move. there are several things i probably won't enjoy until i move. i've come to realize that i live in a black hole. every effort i make in a positive direction or ground i gain is just sapped by being here, in this house/neighborhood. but at least i am aware. maybe i should take an alcoholic's approach to my hermit lifestyle:

1. Admit you are powerless over alcohol, that your life has become unmanaageable.

gladly. i don't see what one has to do with the other though.

2 Believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

what, like pot?

3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him.

okay god, get me an apartment already youdammit.

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.

a moral inventory? what does that even mean? i can do physical inventory - computer, fouton, desk.

5. Admit to God, to yourself, and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.

okay again, what? my wrongs are not... good... the nature of them is incorrectness, in that they are not... right.

6. Be ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

please god help me to stop spending money on aerosols and freon so i can move out.

7. Humbly ask Him to remove your shortcomings.

ummm, hey god... instead of removing my shortcoming how about makeing it a little longer? it will help me to spread the good news of your will.

8. Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and prepare to make amends with them all.

i want to make hay while i'm young here. don't think this step will work for me.

9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

step nine is a time-saver. the people i have harmed would definitely injure me. maybe someday when i'm feeling especially masochistic i'll start trying to apologize.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong promptly admit it.

the fouton really isn't mine. it's my aunt's, but i have a feeling she is going to give it to me.

11. Seek to improve your conscious contract with God through prayer and meditation as you understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

i never sign contracts. this is bullshit.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all your affairs.

does ether count as alcohol? what about listerine? my friend fat jeff is a listerholic. it's a terrible habit, although his breath is nice. nevermind.

that didn't help at all. oddly enough i do feel like having a cocktail. i'll admit that alcohol is a higher power.

album of the jour: kristin hersh sky motel

put me back on hold please

i don't approve of outsourcing for it's economic rammifications (good for jobs? are you stoned?), but when i get an indian (dots not feathers) support representative from dell on the phone to do something as simple as ordering a replacement part and it takes me all fucking morning, i find a new reason to dislike outsourcing. i don't like having to ask for repititions of simple instructions because of pronunciation. it's not at all an ethnic issue. i love indians - i had a teacher who was indian and she was a delight. i just hate dell. dell is the devil. lou dobbs would have a field day trying to get tech support from dell.

and no, i don't watch cnn. i saw a discussion between dobbs and bill moyers on pbs. from what i can gather, he doesn't like outsourcing either.

and yes, that was a truly enthralling hour of tv viewing. i must have been high on magic markers.

album of the jour: four tet my angel rocks back and forth

motherfucker burn

sometimes i get into such a state of fury that i truly believe i have pyrokinetic abilities, not unlike drew berrymore circa 1984. like while stuck behind a pickup truck that is straddling two lanes trying to decide where to go, holding up the already congested traffic behind. and, not surprising, a bush/cheany '04 bumper sticker in tow.

this man started a fire. more specifically, he lit a marine van on fire after learning his son had died in iraq. greatest country in the world.



album of the jour: all girl summer fun band 2

the power of espn compels you

a sports magazine came in the mail for me. not really a sports magazine, but an advertisement made up to look like a sports magazine that tries to sell other sports magazines. i stared at the cover on the way to work, since my only other option is to stare at bad, short-sighted drivers, and that's not good for anyone. but this magazine has ruined my entire life. sports, and marketing, and cheap flimsy paper, and insterts falling out, and polls and rankings... i think of those whose lives revolve around games, or covering games, or bookies, or specifically making time to watch sports on tv, and i sink. my day is totally shot. pro sports make me intestinally uneasy.

and the money! my god, the money!

i'm hoping that by ceremoniously tearing every page of this magazine into tiny pieces and maybe scattering them into the wind i will have vanquished whatever sinister forces may be at work here (i need an old priest and gabriel byrne). or if it's raining i'll just flush them. or eat them.

trite things really can cause me fits. this sounds overly-dramatic, but there it is. it fits in more with my emotional instability, or the imbalanced conceptions of the world i harbor. whichever works for you.

i should mention i don't disapprove of people liking sports or playing for fun, i just hate the money involved. and all the bling bling (i'm going to get a panda from china and name it bling-bling).

album du jour: freezepop fancy ultra-fresh

postscript to previous post:

i was thinking of raising sheep on my remote property in the wooded northwest (in the movie angela's ashes the kids masturbate while watching sheep... but that has nothing to do with anything. seriously. i don't do that.), but since sheep are ostensibly what's driving me to evade civilization in the first place, i'll leave the metaphoric in the past.

also: bush and kerry are statistically tied in houston, tx

or, life in the woods

i'm seriously losing faith in everything. especially people. to be accurate i had little to begin with, but the more i read of current events the more i want to move to the woods walden-style (derived lesson: don't read anything). the older i get the more blatent people's inadequacies become. inadequacies may be the wrong word - i'm talking more about ignorance and gullibility and complacency and undiagnosed retardation.

think for yourselves you god-damned robot motherfuckers!

hey, since we believe everything without questioning face value, guess what - i crap diamonds. that's right. they're small, smelly, brown, soft, mis-shaped diamonds, but they're definitely diamonds. i'm selling them for $100 apiece. get them while they're hot. best economy in twenty years. hollla.

so yeah, i'm moving to the woods in the pacific northwest somewhere. i would have a garden and eat only what i grow, and raise pigs. not for food, just for company. i could also grow poppies and hemp to keep myself entertained. maybe cultivate mushrooms for night-time fun in the woods by myself, with the pigs.

album du jour: the apples in stereo her wallpaper reverie

create a caption

some caption-creating fun, fun for everyone. my suggestions: "derp?" -or- "what'm i doin' hur?"

this morning that little ball on the end of my piercing fucking fell off. i spent half an hour trying to get that tiny motherfucker back on to no avail. i am calling that goddamned tattoo place tomorrow to tell them their shitty piercing stayed on for one fucking day.

i hate sundays.

i know i'm supposed to make sure it's tightened every day, and i tried. but how do y0u get any counter-pressure on the other side when there's all that saliva running around huh? fuck.

i was cool for exactly one day. story of my life.

i'm an atheist!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

for the record, i am not an atheist. more of an agnostic and master of my own destiny. i believe in the irrepressible power of my testicles.

labret

i'm so used to waking up on saturday mornings (afternoons) hung over. it's a nice change to sleep late and actually feel alert even though it's not required.

yesterday during my lunch break i went and had my lip pierced (a labret is what it's called). it was aggravating waiting in the parlor about half an hour for a procedure that took maybe five minutes, but anyway. it didn't really hurt (aren't i such a man-man), it was just an odd sensation to have something forced through my lip. i am very much happy with it - i think it fits my persona (p-e-r-s-o-n-a).

i've thought about a tattoo but i can't commit to anything for more than a week, and having ink injected into my skin is waaaayy too permanent of a relationship. monogamous scarring.... not so much.

i would take a picture of my face to show off my barbell, but i'd rather opt for mystery. imagination is much more fulfilling than reality. maybe one day.

album du jour: jesus and mary chain honey's dead

our country needs a bitch-slap

while we eat drive-thru and talk on our cell phones and fret about the hilton sisters (ian i'm looking at you...) thousands of refugees from sudan, seeking sanctuary in chad from fear of being killed or raped or having their families killed or raped, scrounge for a handful of u.n.-supplied ground corn. and doesn't it look delicious.

you know what, that picture could be either of ground corn or people burying the dead (there was no caption). pick whichever makes it easier for you to sleep.

from the new york times:

Hawa Hassan Ahmed, 29, said she came to the Oure Cassoni camp after her mountain hideout in Northern Darfur was attacked by the Janjaweed. Her 6-year-old son was shot and killed before her eyes. Her 4-year-old son had his
throat slit. She escaped alone on a donkey provided by a cousin.

two points:

one - why little to no media coverage? could it be that our country's liberal, broken-heart media is more concerned with ratings than newsworthiness? it's understandable i guess; i'd personally rather see what's happening with the kobe bryant case than hear about mass genocide in some desert african country full of skinny darkies that has few petroleum resources.

two - we pull troops out of south korea, sending a clear message to north korea that their admitted and proven nuclear weapons stockpile doesn't concern us, and they should continue unfettered. does our government send these troop resources on humanitarian missions (not unlike wwII, maybe?) to help all the suffering people of sudan (as we did when we "liberated" the iraqi people from saddam)? nah. iraq has more political and financial rammifications. let's send troops there.

apparently "compassionate" conservatism doesn't apply to people of foreign naitons who aren't in the news. god must not care about the people of sudan, since he hasn't directed george to do thing one about it. i'm sure glad he's pro-life though. it really shows.

album du jour: saturday looks good to me every night

s'down kid we're runnin' late!

the school buses are slowly scampering around the streets and avenues once again. i despise school buses, because they impede my daily travels and also drudge up bad memories of high school. the only time i've ever punched someone in the face was on a school bus (mere lad of 13 - what a rabble rouser). when i lived in ohio my brother and i had to walk to the end of our endlessly long gravel driveway to wait for the bus in ten-degree weather, at 6:30 in the a.m., wind howling, and snow sometimes falling. even in such adverse conditions i loathed having to get on the bus, heated or not. screaming children are aggravating at any age, or so i find.

conversely, riding city buses is mildly entertaining. city bus drivers are some of the most interesting people you are likely to meet. they love small talk and are adept at striking up meaningless conversations with strangers. and you have to respect (or pity) someone who has the patience to drive the same route, over and over again, for however many hours, every day.

i just payed off all my credit card debt. three thousand bucks' worth of it, all at once. i had three grand in the bank and now i don't. do i feel bad about it? nope. not a bit. money is shit, unless of course you have none.
whatever, la la la.

album du jour: the casual dots casual dots

salvation is a yellow pill

hello yellow
you are vivarin
you are small
you taste bad
but you make me want to run and talk and breathe and stretch and dance and do calisthenics
and i'm not sleepy anymore
so we're cool

slow-mo

i took some xanax last night in addition to my usual cocktail and slept from 5:30 in the p.m. to ten-to-seven this morning. and i'm still slugging around like i have not the motor skills to do thing one. i don't even have real work to do yet - i'm the first in. the head will be meeting the desk very shortly. this is going to be a long umbassday. it already has been.

since i've got no motivation to keep my head vertical, that's it.

i didn't do one yesterday so you get two today:

album du jour: half cousin the function room

album du jour: graham smith final battle

depression age

why are artificial light and walls and carpeting and horiontal blinds stabbing at me today? what's so different? i'm getting nauseous just looking at my desk and monitor and pens and paper and sunlight and my own arms. i want to bite down on something and cause it pain, i want to push something really hard, i want to grab a tree limb and pull myself up, i want to head-butt anything.

i should be content, or if not content at least reasonably pleased. me being sad seems hypocritical - others in the world have so much to be sorrowful about and to rue and lament; by comparison i am a king. why then this routine sinking sensation of self-pity that flies in the face of what i believe and try to hold true? i have a bed, clohing, food, even a job, and a plethera of objects that have no intrinsic value to sustaining life (i.e. frivolous crap) but still i find myself awash in depression. every goddamned day. even despite all the pills n' thrills and bellyaches (name that band and win a cookie). maybe the pills should be eighty-sixed. i've taken them for so long i really can't recollect if my situation was better off prior or not. frankly i'm tired of turning my mental energy inward in the name of emotional health. i'm tired of being hyper-self-analytic. i want some numbness. where's that apathy my generation is supposed to suffer from? blissful ignorance where are you.

this all makes me enraged at myself. these are the times when i really loathe my person and get involved in self-deprecation. for fuck's sake already.

peaches for me

instead of free speech zones why don't we just set up "free peach zones"? who doesn't like peaches right? let's all move to the country and eat alot of them. and if you want to get figurative about it, the free peach zone could just be a big fenced-in area full of sluts. i would love to have a pen full of sluts in my neighborhood - jenna and barbara could be spokeswomen! although there is already a hooter's in lafayette. but i think the "slut pen" moniker has a better ring to it. you hear that ringing? that's freedom.

florida police are shaking down old black women in orlando for voter fraud. isn't jeb governor of florida? isn't that a swing state? don't blacks usually vote democrat? isn't jeb republican? if i were a suspicious person by nature i might be inclined to draw some sort of conclusion from the aforementioned tidbits (girls with tidbits are not allowed into the slut pen, by the way).

is "black" an appropriate race descriptor these days? african-american? noone is more supportive of acclimatization to racial sensitivity than i, but personally i think attitudes are exponentially more important than labels.

album du jour: the raveonettes whip it on

them ain't pop rocks

my aunt bought these little packets of energy powder crystals that you mix with water and then drink. my first thought when she showed it to me concerned whether or not it could be cut up with a credit card and snorted. that's not healthy or normal. maybe in l.a.

what else does it say that on the 30-second walk back from the grocery store on friday i opened my case of michelob ultra (i've succumbed to shunning carbohydrates) so i could start drinking en route chez moi? just some harmless rushing to lushing right? and i guess drinking a low-carb beer doesn't make much of a difference when you drink on or around eighteen, but it's the principle of the thing.

i just noticed my blog recently passed the one year mark. meh.

should i lament the fact that i couldn't give less of a fuck about the olympics? professional sports... whatever man.

album du jour: garageland do what you want

door-to-door rocking

you know it has to be friday the 13th when it's sixty-some-odd degrees outside in august in south louisiana.

a teenage kid just walked into the office trying to sell raw shrimp. that's right - raw seafood, right off the street, and early. it was a stinky affair. he had this pathetic little i-can't-believe-it's-not-butter dish with three little raw shrimp in it (i can't believe it's not prawns) that looked very scuzzy, and now the office smells rank. and i'm the only one here so far, so if it lingers i'm guilty by association. fuck. who would buy shrimp from some kid going door-to-door? the stands on the side of the road are bad enough, but traveling seafood salesmen...children? and the kid looked really nappy, as if he'd just gotten off the boat (literally and figuratively).

religion by mail, seafood door-to-door, everyone is selling something.

i need constructive crafts to do with my free time. i should paint. it's also possible that i'll make a poetry blog (seperate from this one). i used to write all the time and i can't say why i stopped - maybe all the drinking and isolation, although the latter never stopped emily dickenson. of late i've been feeling creatively stifled and it really sticks in my craw.

and i would start practicing on my guitar again if a certain friend of mine who has a penchant for "fat chicks" would get it back from his disgruntled ex-roommate.

album du jour: hooverphonic blue wonder power milk

conversion by mail

today a cd i ordered from half.com came in, and included in the package was one of those little jesus-christian business cards. i was so delighted! if i knew where my scanner cable was i'd just scan it, but the card reads:

front:

God Loves You!
How to Become a Christian
and Know You are
Going to Heaven
(over)

back:

1) Ask Forgiveness for Your Sins.
2) Ask Jesus to Be Your Savior.
3) Ask Jesus to Come Into Your Heart (Revelation 3:20)
4) Ask Jesus to Fill You With the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 5:185)
5) Read I Corinthians 12 About Gifts of the Spirit
6) You Have Eternal Life! (:1 John 5:13)
Please visit our ministry web site at www.allstars4jesus.org
Also see www.jesuscares4u.com

jesus is great and all but really i don't need "literature" sent along with my cd's. i left positive feedback for the user (jesus4eternity16) on ebay with the comment "i will accept jesus as my savior if you accept john kerry as yours". fun for me on a thursday eh?

and are people really converted by getting a jesus business card in the mail? it's glossy and pretty and all, but it doesn't really inspire me to become devout and give up my sinful ways. i've grown quite fond of my sinful ways. it's also reassureing to know that "god loves you" and that the requirements for "getting into heaven" can fit on such a tiny card.

incidentally the cd i got was called god fodder by ned's atomic dustbin.

album du jour: the strokes room on fire

wal-mart is the devil

i'd rather not do my shopping at wal-mart out of principle, but i am a man (ha!) of modest means and am unfortunately relegated to doing so at the moment. grocery shopping at wal-mart is tantamount to being beaten with a bag of oranges (yes i would know). all wal-mart shoppers are mentally challenged - they all have to stop and hold up cart traffic so they can save three cents on corn niblets. let's not even touch on the parking lot situation. personally i never browse or impulse buy when i go shopping; i hate being there and flee as fast as possible after some succinct product-snatching. but what would be a nobler alternative to shopping at wal-mart? albertson's? super one? they're not exactly mom-and-pop outfits you know.

i also filled my new perscriptions yesterday and am very contented right meow, very contented. my paxil cr is good - prior doses have not had a noticeable effect on your humble narrator (apparently the new dosage turns me into malcolm macdowell). the xanax i'm going to save for the weekend, since the "controlled release" aspect of it worries me - i don't want to be dragging all through work. not tomorrow anyway. when i picked up my scrips from the pharmacy the girl behind the counter said i was a "lucky guy". let's hope so.

i gave myself a kickass haircut that i can make look respectable for work, but that easily morphs into a moderate mohawk upon request; i feel like a punk semi-super hero. yes, there's nothing more indignatious and riotous and punk-rock than a moderate mohawk you only wear away from the office. maybe if my boss didn't have such an affinity for fishing (and we all know what that means don't we my droogs), i would give it a shot.

album du jour: faithless no roots

the song "mass destruction" will resonate with alot of people, the ones that read this blog-rag anyway. dido plays drums. me likey dido in a non-friend way. the website is very good.

Bush Press Conference Drinking Game
from wonkette:

Every time. . .

• Bush mentions "freedom and sovereignty of the Iraq people" . . .1 drink.
• Bush condemns those who "hate freedom" . . . 1 drink.
• Bush hails our brave men and women fighting in Iraq . . . apply for the National Guard, have dental records taken, go to business school. Take as many drinks as you want.
• Bush pleas "if I had known" . . . pound forehead against bottle.
• Bush references Clinton administration's "law enforcement" approach to terrorism . . . take a drag off of a cigar.
• Bush says "we will not back down" . . . shed a tear for Tom Petty.
• Bush vows to "revamp amd reform intelligence services" . . . Try to email a mugshot to a friend.
• Bush glances at a seating chart. . . change glasses.
• Bush calls on Helen Thomas . . . pop a Geritol.
• An analyst calls it a "presser". . . hit self in head, grumble, take a drink.
• Fox crawl mentions causalities . . . sober up.

our stepford nation

i'm starting to have nightmares about bush winning in november and huge crowds of religious zealots cheering and yelling and hating. it's like a scene from nazi germany rallies in my head.

how is it possible for anyone to attack kerry's war record? while kerry was in the mekong delta dodging bullets gomer was in alabama dodging bravery, duty and sexually-transmitted diseases. somewhere along the line he also managed to evade any vocabulary acumen, common sense, a moral compass, business savvy, motor skills (recall biking incidents and pretzelgate), curiosity, open-mindedness, self-awareness.... several other things i can't call to mind presently.



every qualm i hear pundits and priests touting about kerry just seems moot. actually, calling their "rationale" moot is being generous - most criticism is at best a manipulation of fact and at worst (and most commonly) outright lies.

but we don't like reading articles. just give us headlines and purty pictures.

where input.... can't think for self... must... do... stuff... oh no! orange!

album du jour: manifold splendour my night time career

in memory

bridge over the river lie

even though i'm only 25 and have never been to a foreign country aside from canada ("just going over the border for some french fries and gravy sir"), i remember well serving on a swiftboat in '68 with john kerry in the mekong delta. he spent the whole time crouching in a pool of his own urine with a blanket over his head while we did all the shooting. not only that, but instead of firing at the enemy he would hurl his fellow crew mates' torsos at them. this one time i saw him wiping his taint with the american flag, signaling the viet cong about american military movements, and smoking "marijuana" all at the same time. john kerry only killed women and children in vietnam and burned down villages he knew to be un-guarded. he also shot three of his own crew mates (in the back) and defiled their bodies by drawing faces on them and shaving their eyebrows. john kerry also supports terrorism, worships the devil, rapes kittens, and eats babies.

album du jour: dykehouse midrange

no joke, this guy's name is actually michael dykehouse. i can't stop listening to this album.

quoth the raven

at the risk of sounding goth, here's why i'm looking forward to death. you know that feeling you get while sitting at your desk that you're about to keel over and put your head through your monitor screen from fatigue and/or boredom? never more. or the insatiable ire you feel towards an inanimate device that only makes a little sound (albeit annoying as fuck) once a day (or in my case seven times a day - i make full use of the snooze), provoking you to throw it across the room? never more.

i crave a big sleep. i want a permanent womb. granted, there's alot of good stuff you may miss out on when you're dead (as opposed to alive, to clarify), like food and drink and wine and women and song. but for me it all pales in comparison to some solid sack time. especially right now. and even all of that is just speculation - who's to say what happens when you die. but in all likelihood it's nothing. just unconsciousness.

and really isn't our life-long goal unconsciousness? from the second i wake up in the morning all i want to do is go back to bed. i also love drinking, not just for the skewed behavior and ability to have sex with girlfriends i may not really like, but also for the wonderful slumber (or blackout, call it what you will) that ensues. same thing with other substances.

we work most of our lives so we have a comfortable place to sleep and eat and shit. why be afraid of death? you're definitely covered on sleeping, and the other two become irrelevant (probably).

so why not commit suicide you say? because i'm an advocate of avoiding the path of least resistance and i don't want to be hypocritical like limbaugh. plus i really want to see that ian curtis movie when it comes out. not sure about jude law playing him.

fuck i am sleepy.

album du jour: the siddeleys slum clearance

shampoo my crotch

remember the line from as good as it gets where jack nicholson tells those two people sitting at his table that "people who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch"? i feel the same way about people who use nothing but cliches or adages. i hate verbal cliches. almost to the point where i get physically ill when someone uses them on me, with serious intentions of providing insight into some problem or situation. using them in jest is fine; i do it all the time because they're ridiculous. if you're so fucking programmed that even your speech is derived from some teleivison show or movie you've seen over and over again then just don't talk. everything these days is just repitition. no popular music is really original. every tv show is derivative of some neilson-rating paradigm of "what sells". movies - how many previews to movies have followed this formula: "blank had it all. a good blank, a successful blank, and a gorgeous blank. until one day, blank happened. now this blank has to learn that blank isn't always what you blank of it". and the modern-day dependence on cgi special-effect bullshit has really raped the film industry. i'll say it again, return of the king sucked ass.

something else that really bothers me - people who think that their newfound appreciation of radiohead makes them complex and brooding. god damn those people.

i'm going lewis black today.

album du jour: midnight movies midnight movies

some very disappointing news today. my beloved beta band has decided to part ways. it's not from the typical bitter internal dissent that most bands break up over, just their musical journery arriving at its fruititon. there will be supposed solo projects that arise from the demise, and a farewell tour through the end of this year. if you haven't ever listened to the beta band please do yourself a favor and check out the three e.p.'s, or any of their albums. they're all magnificent. obviously i'm biased, so i think everything they've done (since their inception in 1997) is fab.

today really sucks fat hairy balls.

oh, billy!

putting quotes around words makes them seem lewd. what about when you add elipses in addition? observe:

today i was "jerking off" with soap...
the babysitter was annoying me so i had to "push" her...
i was horny so i told my girlfriend to touch my "penis"...

yes, lewd. maybe michael powell should enact some legislation concerning quotes and ellipses. no punctuation for anyone!

i had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and i finally got him to prescribe xanax for me. it's some sort of "controlled release" (did the quotes make that tawdry too?) xanax so i don't know what effect it will have. i hope i still get the nice wave/buzz.

controlled release...i must be sting. yes, i am tantric.

since todays theme is lewdness, it's worth mentioning that pisser received almost fifty (50) comments on a post which included pictures of her bressesses (she gets alot of responses anyway, but much more with the pics). as such, i decided to see if the tactic would work for me as well.

let's see how much attention i get. incidentally, i left a comment on that post as well, but it was in response to something else and completely non-boobie-related.

album du jour: comets on fire blue cathedral

country music makes baby jesus cry

would nurturing a fondness for alt-country make me a bad person? critics always seem to cream their jeans for it. there's a stigma i've always perpetuated that country and offshoots thereof are personally off limits, but lately i've been coming acoss several bands of the genre i think i like, in addition to new albums from bands i already like that take on a sometimes-twangy sound. what i'm going to do is to spend this week exploring some different bands and see what happens. certainly no loretta lynn apotheosis though, even though she gets wet for michael moore.

another thing about critics - when they make their "best of..." lists (at the end of years or decades or whenever) it always seems like the bands they put on there are only there to make the list look obscure and complex and brooding so that those qualities transfer to the critics. i have a hard time believing that all critics actually think that the records they cite are that good, because i know for a fact some of them are complete crap (and my opinion is, of course, law).

album du jour: rilo kiley more adventurous

this is the album that actually got me thinking about the alt-country scene, if you listen to it you may understand why. great cd, good times.