Monday, September 13, 2004

monday bloody monday

hooray, finally i can buy a tech-9 to more efficiently kill squirrels behind my trailer. the barrel is also a perfect size for cleaning out earwax. and kim jong il is shrooming. we all have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

people i meet are starting to equate to funerals i may one day have to attend. every time you have any sort of long-lasting relationship with someone, be it professional or friendly or romantic, whatever, you potentially become obligated to attend a funeral at some point in time. did i not just find a positive spin on having no friends? yes i think so... (thank you fox news!).

the actual death part doesn't concern me that much, it's the fact that i'm going to have to dress up and attend an hour-long ceremony... and in a church no less. of course i wouldn't necessarily be required to go, but seriously, how do you get out of a funeral without coming across as a raging jackass? i could always just send a card saying "i wanted to go but it just would have been too painful for me, just too painful". that's what college was for - teaching you how to bullshit your way out of uncomfortable situations.

but then you run the risk of having some sort of intervention where friends/family sit down and lecture you on the finer points of closure, and that would probably be worse than sitting through the funeral.

do you get free food after funerals? because then i may reconsider.

i am one morose motherfucker. lots of shit in the cereal today, bong.

album of the jour: burnside project the networks, the circuits, the streams, the harmonies


john bender said...

I guess now is not a good time to tell you I have terminal brain cancer.

Phillip said...

you know bender, i've known for several years that you've had a neurological problem of some sort. the only question i've had was whether it would be that that killed you first or the cirrhosis .

bleeding out of your butthole isn't a healthy sign you know.

john bender said...

Well said, Hitler Jr.