diets guaranteed to work

the following diets can be undertaken individually or in conjunction with each other - overlap as you see fit to meet your specific goals.

the derelict diet - quit your job. stop paying bills. eventually the money runs out, you get evicted, and you are homeless. feel the burn as you wander the streets begging for nickels in a big-city business district. your caloric intake plummets as you sift through garbage cans for nourishment. try hitchhiking somewhere - great cardio.

the supermodel diet - champagne, cigarettes, cocaine, equal packets. an over-inflated ego helps, as does concern about aging and sagging.

the indecisiveness diet - not for everyone: must possess an anxious, worrisome, frantic personality which makes any decision extremely difficult. trying to decide what to eat takes you forever, and eventually fatigue surpasses hunger. you go to bed without supper.

the liquor diet - get drunk, pass out. when you wake up, drink some more. remember - unconsciousness is the friend of weight loss; when you're sleeping with your head on the toilet you aren't eating, and chances are the idea of food will make you nauseus. for a light snack (when needed) try cigarettes.

the death diet - die. the pounds melt away.