not-so-great expectations

obviously i'm getting drunk tonight. i'm going to try to get piss-drunk, which will be hard because i have a pretty high tolerance - i am not a "cheap drunk", sorry gals. i would love my first memory of the new year to be bending over a toilet in some shitty bathroom (perhaps the worst in scotland?) in a bar.

i'm setting my expectations for '05 very low. i was optimistic about '04 and it was... let's say, not good. the american way - if you set your standards low enough you'll always be pleasantly surprised.

personal goals for 2005:

• develop an immunity to glow stick juice to freak people out at parties
• get invited to a party
• get cats
• develop type 2 diabetes
• convince my boss to let me pierce my ears
• get married and divorced in wyoming
• have a restraining order filed against me by maggie gyllenhaal
• same, zooey deschanel
• see jerry seinfeld live (coming to lafayette in april)
• paint my apartment a dark color (illusion of space)
• actually have an enjoyable, incident-free mardi gras
• teach myself guitar, get band, get groupies, get sexed up
• drink more coffee
• eat out more often
• eat at restaurants more often
• visit new york city
• stop exercising so much, gain weight, develop heart problems
• publish a series of my own self-help books
• eat more cake
• avoid at all costs the next star wars movie
• cut back on all the blasphemy (sike!)

auld lang syne perverts.

phizz thoughts on 2004

sucked donkey balls for the world, was pretty good for me. trying to remember what my goals for the year were, i think just to get a job and a place in the city. and i did both of those, so rah rah. but, as is the nature of the beast, i am not content at all. but i'll address future goals tomorrow maybe.

when i think back to 2004 i'll remember foremost the election and how pissed off i was about politics. i've never been this involved or attentive, but i don't think it has ever been this outrageous and overtly scandalous in my lifetime.

it's really hard to say what you'll remember about a certain year right when it's ending. you need some time to gain perspective. the tsunami will definitely be remembered, but i don't think the magnitude and reality of the whole thing will sink in for a while.

how about the return of jesus? he certainly came back with a vengeance didn't he. and it turns out he hates gays and black voters and choice and change and human rights. we'll have to preface all future references to 2004 with "in the year of our lord..."

pop culture items i want to forget from this year:

• the creature known as paris hilton
• more mind-numbing television reality garbage
• lip-syncing pod people trying to pass themselves off as "artists"
• homo-erotic history-based blockbuster movies
• the rolling stone "greatest 500 songs" list - wrong on so many levels
• the brian wilson album
• anything related to television media and major "news" networks
• was the janet jackson boobie thing this year? i'm remembering that one.
• hearing oprah ask "what exactly does 'tossing a salad' mean"

and the war, my deity, the war. what can i say that hasn't already been said.

but hoo-rah for the blogosphere, a constant source of entertainment and therapy. thanks blog people - jesus loves you so deal with it.

a sea of troubles

i'm disturbed by the fact that we've promised $35 million in aid to the countries affected by the tsunami and are spending $40 million on bush's upcoming inauguration party. just how much beef are they serving? i'm making a prediction that he's going to wear some sort of headpiece. maybe a crown. maybe a crown of thorns.

the death toll is climbing higher, and it is totally tragic. it doesn't seem like anyone realizes that about the same number of civilian iraqis have died since we "saved" them from saddam (international red cross estimate). it's tantamount to our government actually causing a similar tsunami in the middle east. who wants to hear about that though.

(fake) things about me

this is lame. but i didn't do it normally - i lied. i'd be happy to give credit to someone's blog, but i've seen it about ten different times and wouldn't know who to list. just browse the blogroll. again, lied:

three names you go by:
1. no means no
2. fluffy
3. get out

three screen names you have:
1. phizz
2. deadgayson
3. loveitwhenyoucallmebigpoppa

three things you like about yourself:
1. self-deprecation hobby
2. conceitedness
3. ether addiction

three things you dislike about yourself:
1. oversized penis
2. out-dated wardrobe (skidz)
3. inability to love

three parts of your heritage:
1. french
2. mohican
3. hobbit

three things that scare you:
1. republicans
2. crustaceans
3. overstock.com lady

three of your everyday essentials:
1. sharp things
2. pine sol
3. porn (ography)

three things you are wearing right now:
1. a cowboy boot
2. batman mask
3. hospital i.d. bracelet

three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. sexual intercourse
2. duck meat
3. riding a dog

three things you want in a relationship:
1. big left boobie
2. vuhgina
3. don't talk so much

two truths and a lie:
1. evolution
2. i will die alone
3. creationism

three things you just can't do:
1. get my groove back
2. drink jagermeister
3. watch network television

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. macaroni pictures
2. anonymous and random drunk-dialing
3. giving vodka bottles filled with water to bums

three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. eat an entire wedding cake
2. fuck a bagel
3. let the dogs out

three careers you're considering:
1. sperm doner
2. elementary school teacher
3. methamphetamine dealer

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. magical mystery tour
2. spring break when i'm sixty
3. scarborough fair

three kids names:
1. fred
2. hashbrown
3. super mario

three things you want to do before you die:
1. date an asian girl
2. have a disease named after me
3. put my seed in someone's belly

christfest inventory

i'm at work right now and it sucks big fat santa dick. i want to be home eating m&m's or some other chocolate fare. cake! i want cake. i wish marie antoinette was my boss.

so, for x-mas. i got the seinfeld dvd's (will probably sell and get different dvd's), apartment stuffs - new shower head, back scrubber, better shower curtain (trying to tell me something mom and dad?). the biggie was a huge check from my parents - i guess they gave up on what to get me, despite me saying "guitar" over and over for months - and a check from my nan-nan. also got a gift card to devil wal-mart and a gift credit on half.com.

it would have been difficult/impossible to bring a guitar back with me on the plane anyway. easier to just buy one here, which i will do forthright.

everyone? good festivus?

good golly holly jolly

the eve prior to christmas day. i take actual pleasure in thinking about children around the world (or at least our blessed western hemisphere - not those godless heretics from the east, mid-east, and far east) trying desperately and futilely to go to sleep.

remember when you were little how magical the anticipation of christmas morning was? it's still magical now, but only because i smoked a jay in ine freezing cold and wind on my parent's deck after they went to bed ;o) smoke your marijuanica.

if i don't get a guitar tomorrow i will be mildly disappointed - i can't be utterly disappointed because that would make me a materialistic dickhole.

but, my goal in 2005 is to become a guitar aficionado and be in a band. how great would it be to have a cult following? what's better than that? nuthin'.

merry christmas shiny happy bloggy people. next year in jerusalem!

laura bush's cowboy cookie recipe

sinces i'm in texas, i will share with you all laura bush's recipe for cowboy cookies.

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 C. all-purpose flour
• 1 T. baking powder
• 1 T. baking soda (just scoop out from the box in the back of the fridge used to absorb odors - no one will know!)
• 3 tins Skoal Long Cut Mint chewing tobacco
• 1 T. artificial hickory smoke flavor
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 1/2 C. animal lard (at room temperature)
• 1 1/2 C. Sweet'N Low sweetener
• 1 1/2 C. caramelized Equal® sweetener
• 3 eggs
• 1 T. vanillin extract
• 3 C. semisweet chocolate chips
• 2 C. sawdust
• 2 T spittle (no phlegm)

PREPARATION:

• Preheat oven to 350ºF.
• Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, chewing tobacco and salt in bowl.
• In 8-quart bowl, beat butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy, 1 minute.
• Gradually beat in artificial sweeteners; beat to combine, 2 minutes.
• Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each. Beat in artifical vanilla extract.
• Stir in flour mixture until just combined. Add chocolate chips and sawdust.
• NOTE: The batter may be a bit dry at this point. Drink some milk and spit into the bowl until the mix is moist, but not runny.
• For each cookie, drop 1/4 cup dough onto heavily greased baking sheets, spacing 3 inches apart.
• Bake for 17 to 29 minutes, until edges are lightly browned; rotate sheets halfway through.
• Remove cookies from rack to cool. Makes about 3 dozen cookies.

wake up white people!

who wants more evidence that retro is IN in america? evangelical and christian progress is hot hot hot! i am impassioned with the spirit of the lawd! the power of christ compels me!

in north carolina there's this pamphlet that is being used to teach history at a school (named the cary christian school) that says slavery was not such a bad thing.

full article here - great stuff

some excerpts from "Southern Slavery, As It Was":

"To say the least, it is strange that the thing the Bible condemns(slave-trading) brings very little opprobrium upon the North, yet that which the Bible allows (slave-ownership) has brought down all manner of condemnation upon the South." (Page 22)

"As we have already mentioned, the 'peculiar institution' of slavery was not perfect or sinless, but the reality was a far cry from the horrific descriptions given to us in modern histories." (Page 22)

"Slavery as it existed in the South was not an adversarial relationship with pervasive racial animosity. Because of its dominantly patriarchal character, it was a relationship based upon mutual affection and confidence." (Page 24)

"There has never been a multi-racial society which has existed with such mutual intimacy and harmony in the history of the world." (Page 24)

"Slave life was to them a life of plenty, of simple pleasures, of food, clothes, and good medical care." (Page 25)

"But many Southern blacks supported the South because of long established bonds of affection and trust that had been forged over generations with their white masters and friends." (Page 27)

"Nearly every slave in the South enjoyed a higher standard of living than the poor whites of the South and had a much easier existence." (Page 30)

so should we revisit the holocaust too? maybe poland wasn't so bad for jews in the 1940's? there was free lodging, diet plans, plenty of work, no worry about where your next paycheck was coming from, uniform health care...

damn the whiney liberals of this country that lambaste slavery as a dark period in human history! next thing you know they'll be bad-mouthing the spanish inquisition, rwandan genocide, cambodian ethnic cleansing ("year zero"), american mistreatment of prisoners and war crimes...

although that last one won't be realized until a decade or so from now...

come on y'all! wake up white people! christmas is under attack! muslims don't celebrate christmas? well they're being bad christians! values! values! nine-eleven! nine-eleven!

album of the jour: liars they were wrong so we drowned

a very weird (interesting) album, even for me. it may grow on me.

i've got corn

in the cab on the way to work this morning the driver was listening to a country music station. there was a tim mcgraw song on (i only know because the dj said it was tim mcgraw). the song was very bad.

do people listen to these songs and imagine their perfect, sunny lives on a farm? a cab driver doesn't exactly go home to his perfect wife and cows and amber waves right? this neo-cowboy mythos - which nowadays i think is just fantasy - really perplexes me.

how many people actually farm for a living these days? isn't it mostly big agriculture businesses now? and how the fuck does tim mcgraw, who i'm sure has never smelled cow plop in his life, get away with singing about and romanticizing life on the farm? doesn't he live in some sort of mansion?

i guess the same way our president can get away with wearing a flight suit on an aircraft carrier. "oxymoron" seems a layered term.

album of the jour: turin brakes ether song

favorite albums 2003

2003 favorites, posthumously. i'm done with my favorites of 2004, just waiting around to post.

it's tough doing this a year later. if you know of any that maybe should be on here that i've forgotten, by all means let me know. if it's worthy it will be inserted in the list. if it sucks it will be inserted in your anus. as always, i'll change the list if/when i want:

1. the new pornographers - electric version
2. idlewild - remote part
3. francine - 28 plastic blue versions of endings without you
4. pretty girls make graves - the new romance
5. the shins - chutes too narrow
6. super furry animals - phantom power
7. the rapture - echoes
8. the dandy warhols - welcome to the monkey house
9. goldfrapp - black cherry
10. pete yorn - day i forgot
11. the sounds - living in america
12. the stills - logic will break your heart
13. travis - 12 memories
14. sam roberts - we were born in a flame
15. cave in - antennae
16. medicine - the mechanical forces of love
17. the strokes - room on fire
18. rainer maria - long knives drawn
19. brassy - gettin' wise
20. the hong kong - rock the faces
21. loveless - gift to the world
22. the like young - art contest
23. black rebel motorcycle club - take them on, on your own
24. metric - old world underground, where are you now
25. radiohead - hail to the thief
26. chicklet - indian summer
27. johnny marr and the healers - boomslang
28. dressy bessy - dressy bessy
29. broken social scene - you forget it in people
30. yeah yeah yeahs - fever to tell
31. the caesars - 39 minutes of bliss
32. fonda - catching up to the future
33. raveonettes - chain gang of love
34. junior senior - d-d-don't stop the beat
35. the notwist - neon golden
36. singapore sling - the curse of singapore sling
37. burnside project - the networks, the circuits, the streams, the harmonies
38. throwing muses - throwing muses
39. cat power - you are free
40. elefant - sunlight makes me paranoid
41. lost in translation soundtrack
42. stars - heart
43. basement jaxx - kish kash
44. paloalto - heroes & villains
45. four tet - rounds
46. all girl summer fun band - 2
47. saturday looks good to me - all your summer songs
48. sense field - living outside
49. fat truckers - fat truckers
50. the postal service - give up

honorable meantion:

the damnwells - bastards of the beat; enon - hocus pocus; long winters - when i pretend to fall; the sea and cake - one bedroom; moloko - statues; m83 - dead cities, read seas & lost ghosts; the unicorns - who will cut our hair when we're gone; damnwells - bastards of the beat; pinback - offcell (ep); my favorite - happiest days of our lives; eisley - marvelous things (ep); fountains of wayne - welcome interstate managers; the fitness - call me for tomorrow; godstar - before & after coastal; chicks on speed - 99 cents; the fiery furnaces - gallowsbird's bark; kenna - new sacred cow; whirlaway - pompano; liz phair - liz phair; ladytron - softcore jukebox; stellastarr - stellastarr; jane's addiction - strays; the essex green - the long goodbye; holly golightly - truly she is no other

drunken brawl drawl

last night fun. did the usual start-drinking-at-five-until-tmie-to-go-out-at-midnight thing. took in a bar fight at a bar we usually don't go to. people fighting in bars make me laugh. got more drunk, came home after closing time, sat around drinking and watching movies until five or six in the a.m.

my downstairs neighbor was blasting country music at 3 in what i think was protest for my music and goings-on. she knows i don't like country, so i think she was just being childish and spiteful. just ask me to turn it down if it's too loud? right?

it's not as if your people aren't parking in my parking space all the time. even though i don't drive, it's the principle of the thing. when you assume you make an ass of u and etcetera.

so slept all day. just woke up a bit ago. around seven-ish. waiting for food to be delivered. it ain't rape if you know her.

blinded me with science!

this morning i had an eye checkup appointment. my pupils are dilated like kelly ripa's vagina. funny enough, they put me in a waiting room called "the dilating room" where you wait for the eyedrops to take effect. in the room are several stacks of magazines to read. if you've ever had your pupils dilated, you know that it's impossible to see anything closer than a foot from your face.

no thinking ahead on the magazines-in-the-dilating-room plan i guess.

so now i can't see shit. i can't edit this post, for a few hours anyway. so you get phizz - raw, and uncut. (what i'm jewish now?). speaking of which, the doctor i saw was from israel. very weird guy.

album of the jour: joanna newsom the milk-eyed mender

i don't really like this album. her voice scares the shit out of me. i'm making it my album of the day because it's good, and my fear of joanna newsom and her harp shouldn't stop others from giving it a listen.

random picture and fake bomb

everyone puts quizzes up on their blogs when they don't have anything to write, or are lazy, or whatever. i don't knock it - i have such days. instead of doing that though, i'm just going to post random pictures. maybe funny, maybe gross, maybe nekkid.

plus i think my blog has been a little too clean lately. we're amidst a culture war you know - we have to rage against the evangelical machine. so today, for the religiosos:



the best exercise for the soul is getting down on one's knees.

this is an interesting tidbit from the cnn.com tabloid:

NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- Baggage screeners at Newark Liberty nternational Airport spotted -- and then lost -- a fake bomb planted in luggage by a supervisor during a training exercise.

(continues...)

not sure what to say about that. i guess it's good that they decided to use a fake for the test instead of a real bomb?

when i flew to texas for xgiving i walked right past security with a styrofoam coffee cup of bourbon (i hate airports). i'm a big advocate of being able to have liquor on flights and all, but isn't it something of a fire hazard?

album of the jour: the unicorns who will cut our hair when we're gone?

x-mas gifts '04

inappropriate gift ideas for the family:

• for mom and dad - kama sutra: a tale of love (a love of tail?)
• for navy pilot brother - modern marvels: plane crashes dvd
• for 90-year-old grandma - sex pistols boxed set, condoms
• for republican uncle - soundtrack: queer eye for the straight guy, middle finger
• for church-goer aunt - the da vinci code, abortion gift card, condoms
• for diabetic little cousin - pixie stix; sit back, watch the fun

any other ideas? must be inappropriate and awkward.

shwag i'd like to get for x-mas but will probably only end up giving to others and/or buying myself later:

• strangers with candy seasons 1 and 2 (i own, season 1 better)
• elf - more for the family, but funny
• arrested development season 1
• half.com gift certificate (best media prices)
• escort service gift certificate(s)... that would be super.
• da ali g show season 1
• flavored condoms - great stocking stuffer (ha), try a flavor besides "nasty latex"
• magazine subscriptions - get someone a subscription of what you think they should be reading, not what they want to read
• tylenol p.m. maximum strength, lots of it
• air america radio thong

album of the jour: television personalities privilege

murph has a great post on his blog from yesterday. trackbackworthy.

normally i think quizzes are useless, but this one was fun and interesting. nods to kymmie.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

bizarro phizz

inspired by this - the scariest thing i've. ever. seen.

clay aiken is bizarro phizz. he is the complete opposite of everything i am and/or try to be. i don't wear pastels. i can't sing. if i could sing there would be no chance i would ever subject myself to the american idol trials. and didn't he only come in second? i pride myself on never having seen an episode.

other ways i am the opposite of clay aiken:

• i like sex with girls
• i don't wear sweaters
• my christmas special would never be on nbc
• i would have taken out reuben's kneecaps way before the finals ( jeff gillooly where are you?)
• i don't speak with a southern drawl
• i don't find cabbage patch kids sexually arousing
• i can grow facial hair
• my penis exists

album of the jour: chicklet indian summer

post written while drunk

i got home early saturday morning and apparently wrote this without publishing it. i barely remember writing it. it's embarrassing, but what the eff. i did some editing, but mostly spelling stuff:

if i suddenly had a biological urge to procreate, and thereby needed to find a vessel to facilitate this (how romantic), where do you meet people?

bars - if i talk to a girl at a bar it's because:

a) i'm drunk
b) i'm horny
c) i want to find true love
d) a and b, never c

it's ironic - in the environment where meeting people is easy (thank you seagram's) chances are you're not going to meet anyone you would want to be with for any extended period of time.

but aren't there girls who go out who have the same mentality? so that everyone accepts the fact that they'll never meet a quality person at a bar, and therefore noone is ever even looking?

so i should start looking? but my screening process isn't reliable when drinking. next thing i know i'm chewing off my own arm.

and no i cannot, nor do i know how anyone could, be in a bar and not drink. it's about the most annoying environment imaginable (strobe lights? smoke? noise? people?). how could you possibly stand it sans the influence.

god save the queens

if someone would only put this play on in branson i swear i would soil myself. this (short article) is from cnn.com. you can really find some of the best stuff on there - it's like reading the enquirer. just as credible in my book.

Call to prosecute over 'gay Jesus'

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A group of Christian protesters in Scotland has called on police to prosecute a theater company for blasphemy because it is putting on a play about a gay Jesus.

"If there is a blasphemy like this, Christians have to stand up," said Stephen Green of Christian Voice who protested outside a theatre showing Terence McNally's controversial play "Corpus Christi" at St Andrews University.

"Jesus Christ is being portrayed here as a foul-mouthed, drunken, promiscuous homosexual and that is an insult to my faith," Green told BBC Radio. But the play's director, Zsuzsi Lyndsay, defended the production:

"He is not portrayed as a drunken foulmouth. He doesn't say one bad word throughout the play."

Christian Voice was not placated. It has formally lodged a complaint with police, arguing that the American playwright's work was blasphemous. No decision has been taken yet.

i love that the director's comeback to the accusation that jesus is a drunken, foul-mouthed, promiscuous homosexual is "he doesn't curse". hilarious.

think about the protests that happened at movie theaters when dogma came out (kevin smith). imagine the controversy that would happen in america if a play about a gay jesus was being put on somewhere.

i would buy popcorn and a ticket and just sit outside watching church marms try to save souls. i would do it.

album of the jour: the arcade fire funeral

phone rings...

me: -my company- this is -my name-
caller: -boss's name- please.
me: may i ask who's speaking?
caller: guidry.
me: i'm sorry?
caller: guidry.
me: okay... guidry... hang on one sec.

is that normal? who am i speaking with - guidry? is it that hard to give your full name?

fuck!

hey guidry, it's going to be alot more difficult to say your name when you're sucking my dick with no teeth isn't it? think about that you retarded, fatherfucking, louisiana-public-school-administrating braying jackass crap-nut.

allah i hate people.

yeah, back at work.

album of the jour: the go! team thunder, lightning, strike

@ home

today i remain home, sucking down tea and tylenol p.m. pretty much everything i buy over-the-counter is "p.m." me likey sleepy. the doctor yesterday gave me some anti-b's and a cortizone shot. i probably feel well enough to go to work. but nah. why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

i'm working on my "favorite albums of 2004" list. it ain't easy. i was trying to limit myself to 25 but it's looking more like 50. lotsa good new stuff. or maybe my criteria are too low.

psshh, as if. i'm phizz.

album of the jour: the essex green the long goodbye

down with the sickness

my head feels like a big bowl of steaming dog plop. everything seems to be happening in slow motion. my throat is killing me. i refuse to answer the phone, which really has very little to do with the illness. more to do with my aversion to customers and clients. life would be great without customers and clients.

i'm going to see a doctor this afternoon for antibiotics (drugs or bust). i don't like waiting rooms, but i like leaving work early. who cares. reh reh rah.

this is a pretty entertaining story. the crux: a cargo plane with the phrase "Eelect George W. Bush" on it crashed into a lake in florida. yes, they spelled "elect" with two e's intentionally. and the plane crashed. in florida.

metaphors... overwhelming... meager... brain...

i read my post from december 7 of last year, and 2003 phizz made 2004 phizz laugh.

album of the jour: the spinanes manos

christian cola

jesus h to the c. check out the forward i just got:

Don't buy Pepsi in the new can. Pepsi has a new "patriotic" can coming out with pictures of the Empire State Building, and the Pledge of Allegiance on them. However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge, "Under God." Pepsi said they didn't want to offend anyone. In that case, we don't want to offend anyone at the Pepsi Corporate Office, either. So, if we don't buy any Pepsi product, they will not be offended when they don't receive our money that has the words "In God We Trust" on it.

HOW FAST CAN YOU FORWARD THIS ONE?

i forwarded it very fast to my recycle bin. regardless of the fact that useless forwards are evil and only serve to label the sender a dumbfuck, i think i'm going to start buying pepsi. i don't drink soda, except diet rite, but i will now buy pepsi.

if "under god" were replaced by "under allah" or "under satan" or "under on-star" (my god), would anyone mind? maybe?

i like the idea of replacing "one nation, under god" with "one nation, under canada".

why not just come up with a soda called "jesus cola". the slogan would be "what would jesus drink?". it would taste heavenly, or immaculate. we could hire priests at the production facility to bless every can. vending machines in church!

the different varieties would come out. diet jesus, caffeine-free jesus, jesus with lemon, vanilla jesus... marketing would make us roll out "new jesus", which noone will like. we then revert back to "jesus classic".

and then we could make cocktails with it! imagine drinking a rum and jesus, or a crown and jesus. it would be super.

disclaimer: i am not making fun of jesus or god, whatever she/he/it is or may be. i only deride the insanely sensitive followers thereof who deem it necessary to try to change popular culture so that they never see signs of different beliefs because theirs are that fragile. they suck.

album of the jour: holly golightly serial girlfriend

have a good one

greek food last night was awesome. it always is.

i'm about to go take a shower and primp and tease myself in preparation for the "club scene" tonight.

don't we all need some glossy debauchery this weekend?

fight for it freaks!!!

the place i'm going to is not my favorite. it's got five bars in it really, all themed to "80's" music or "70's music" 0r "raver" bullshit or something. the clientele is a little younger than i would like, but whatever. legal is legal.

see you all in jail.

interpersonal neuroses and lesbians

on television over the xgiving holiday i saw an evanescence video on mtv2. amy lee (singer) is really a striking (super) lady. one that i would definitely go for given the opportunity. then i wonderd, is she gay?

when i look at a good-looking girl, on tv or in real life, there's a subconscious part of me that goes into panic mode. am i good enough? would she go for me? i should be careful what i say around her. make a good impression. don't be stupid. be cool. who's that guy? is he better than me? does she like him? dammit!

it's a matter of sexual tension. and i don't think i'm alone here; everyone's interpersonal behavior is altered, in some way and to some degree, by attraction and the possiblity of sex. it's the pressure to perform and impress.

consequently my relations with the opposite sex (of which there have been a scant few) have been jilted.

but this is why i love lesbians. take that pressure out of a raltioship and it's a glorious thing. you can be yourself, which you (or at least i) can't do consciously. there's no need to impress, no competition, no worry about whether they're attracted to you or not. it's good.

if i could be asexual i'd be a much happier person. and not morrisey-style asexual. discovery-channel asexual.

*off-topic postscript: it's been a very bad week for depravity, with the government allocating billions to fund abstinence eductaion while cutting world aids funding. in general it's been a huge wave or religious self-righteousness this week.

so i say everyone should go out and do some viceral, carnal sinning this weekend. be creative. sin! sin!

album of the jour: luna lunapark

x-mas duck and cover

argh, x-mas. it's coming. i feel like it's the onset of hurricane season and i live in haiti.

i'm doing all my shopping online. i refuse to bow down to the gods of commercial swarming and seasonal traffic. fuck you mall!

stop looking at me swan!

do made-for-tv x-mas movies (usually sponsored by hallmark) depress anyone else? what kind of person is entertained by watching danny bonaduce and kirk cameron try to convince hallie eisenberg that there is, in fact, a santa claus? i could do without tim allen making another christmas movie as well.

and the salvation army makes me nervous. when i walk into a store with the red bucket by the entrance, manned by someone ringing that bell, i feel like atreyu walking past those two giant statues hoping he doesn't get shot by eye lasers. please don't ask me for money, i'm too weak to say no. i don't trust you to give everything you get to those who really need it.

album of the jour: the delgados universal audio

abstinence isn't doing shit

happy world aids day everyone! let's all go out and have unprotected sex! share needles! hire denzel washington as your lawyer!

i heard on the radio that teaching safe sex in schools has been proven to be effective in countering instances of std's, pregnancy, abortion, etc., and teaching abstinence has been proven ineffective. guess which one our administration supports.

and why doesn't it work?

because kids wanna fuck.

because when dad doesn't have a job, and we don't have a tv or air conditioning or anything remotely constructive to do, and our school closed from lack of funding, what else is there?

tammy: "why don't you take that and put it there?"
timmy: "uhhhhh... okay."

*poof * tammy gets pregnant with an aids-infected baby. abortion time! because we can't afford to have a kid.

what kind of uber-denial bubble do religiosos who preach abstinance live in? they're against abortion, but they're also against the one method that works best in preventing it? they idolize (biblical inference intended) and vote for the guy who makes it harder not to have an abortion?

i bet bush likes aids. i bet he thinks it's god's way of punishing gays and people who have pre-marital relations.

noone needs aids medicine right? what we really need are prayers and the holy spirit within us to defend our red blood cells!

basically, just be pious and cold all the time.

album of the jour: tegan and sara so jealous