i'm moving into the new pad tonight and i don't know when i'll get my internet service up and running. it could be working right now, or not until monday. it's all up to cocks (cox) communications. the bastards.

but i may audioblog after umpteen cocktails tonight.

my halloween costume

entitled "jenna bush's liver" and i am definitely ripping it off for halloween. this is the descripption:

Dive inside President Bush's rowdiest daughter with this ingenious re-creation of Jenna Bush's liver. Use old newspapers to stuff a Hefty bag to create the liver, then affix two or three paper-stuffed white bin liners for "diseased" spots. Rifle through the help's recycling bin for an empty Bud can and bottoms up!

there are several more great ideas here, definitely worth looking at.

and speaking of jenna, she and barbara were speaking at ohio state university, and the first thing out of her mouth was "it's great to be here in iowa!"

album of the jour: the delays faded seaside glamour

loved it, got sick of it, rediscovered how awesome it is.

why ashlee simpson is the best person in the whole wide world

everyone in blogworld is abuzz with all things ashlee. so, sorry, but i have to accede and dedicate one post to her.

i am dead gone head-over-heels in love with this girl. i love her jagged, awkward dancing. i love her voice. i love her hair that is the opposite of blonde. that makes me completely forget that she's jessica's sister.

i mean, that jessica is her sister.

i love the way she spells her name "ashlee" instead of the traditional and widely-accepted "ashley". normally i would find that retarded (apologies to retards) but when she does it somehow it's totally cool! for reals.

and oh my god, did you see those capri pants she was wearing on snl? nobody ever wears capri pants! she's such a trend-setter. i bought seven pairs of capri pants so i could be different, just like her.

and she's so insightful and well-grounded in her song-writing. i love her lyrics. especially when she talks about boys and love. i love love.

postscript: although i will only write one post about her, i reserve the right to make reference to her in future posts. probably in a context of disdain.

album of the jour: le tigre le tigre

because fuck fuck fuck oh fuck guliani. he's such a fuckin' jerk.

alarm cock

i saw an old maroon ford pick-up driving down the road at around 50 mph this morning with a live chicken sitting on its tool box. i.shit.you.not. i couldn't tell, but it looked like the chicken (it was a rooster actually) had a string or something around one of its legs, i'm guessing to keep it from blowing away. it was hard to see if it was anchored to anything.

imagine this: you're driving to work in the morning, barely awake, listening to whatever morning gizzfest with dj jake and the fatman (that was a great show), when all of a sudden a fucking live rooster smacks into your windshield. an extreme wake-up call, of sorts.

i miss the good old days when they just went cock-a-doodle-doo to wake you up. now they execute suicide missions jihad-style into moving cars' windshields.

come on, what state is better than louisiana? shaaaa.

album of the jour: the bangs call and response

i stole this from wonkette. tell me it isn't the greatest thing ever.

moving out!

cha-cha-cha. i found an apartment yesterday and am finally moving out... at long last. it's a duplex - i have the second floor, one bedroom, bath, living room, kitchen, outdoor deck, all for $350 a month. this morning i am quite the cat who swallowed the canary. it's within walking distance of downtown and its many watering holes.

and the guy who owns the house, my landlord, is also the owner of the zoo of acadiana and said he would give me free passes. that means i can hang with the monkeys any time! i mean, honest-to-god monkeys! and there's a white tiger!



i hope the girl on the first floor is cool with moderate weekend rowdiness. anyway, color me happy, for now.

album of the jour: interpol antics

initially i didn't like the new interpol, but it's growing on me. and often the growers turn out to be exceptional.

the gallop "poll"

this is from cnn.com:

In a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll published Monday, President Bush has a five percentage point lead over Sen. John Kerry among likely voters -- 51 percent saying they would back Bush, and 46 percent expressing support for Kerry. The margin of error is plus or minus 3 percentage points meaning the race for the White House is still very tight.

this is really good news, and here's why. the gallop polling organization has been consistently polling almost sixty percent registered republicans in their polls. earlier this month (last week maybe?) they had bush up by nine points, when in reality every other poll had them tied. and now gallop says bush's lead is down to five points, which ostensibly means kerry is ahead. of course you have to factor in the margin of error, alignment of the planets and other crap, but really it's a good sign.

also take into account the record number of new registrants this year (a huge amount, especially in ohio and florida), and the fact that first-time voters usually vote for the challenger 2 to 1. again, good sign.

that's my little politico-analysis for the day.

hetero genius

my doctor dictionary word-of-the-day today is heterogeneous, meaning composed of parts having dissimilar characteristics or properties (courtesy: dictionary.com). i understand it as being contradictory; "cognitive dissonance" resonates in the back of my brain.

reading the definition, what immediately comes to mind? being the uber-progressive that i am it should be easy to guess what i'm thinking. keep in mind our current cultural (and perhaps political) climate, and important events forthcoming.

ohhh, but it says "complex" is synonymous with heterogeneous, and my parallel is quashed.

read the litany (i had to use that word some time. i promise only once) of synonyms here, and think about it-that-shall-remain-nameless-today-for-no-particular-reason.

no room for "complication" these days (remember, you are either with us or against us). what else... "inconsistent"? what a larf! then comes your "mixed"s and "messy"s, and my favorite, "poles apart".

can you believe niether "flip" nor "flop" are listed?

i guess what i'm trying to say is that mondays suck balls, i have nothing salient to write about, and george bush licks taint.

album of the jour: rjd2 since we last spoke

one of my nominees for album of the year. at least top ten. although the year has some 'splainin left to do.

sunday morning music

and of course by "morning" i mean whenever (and if ever) i wake up on sunday. nonetheless, i've had something of a routine of listening to certain albums on sunday mornings, and today i thought i'd share. colon:

neutral milk hotel - in the aeroplane over the sea
the sundays - reading, writing and arithmetic (started out just because of the band name, but it really is good on a sunday morning)
francine - 40 on a fall day
the shins - oh inverted world
the detroit cobras - love, life and leaving
brian wilson - smile (latest addition)

i don't always listen to all of these, but that's the gist.

october 24, 2004 pledge: on october 24, 2005, i will have a much better day/night, without having many of my current goals unrealized. you got that year-from-now me? don't make me break my foot off in my ass.

you damn kids!

birthdays buh-loowwww. the higher the number the more quickly the years pass, so now it's just a slippery slope to bed sores and catheters. although not having to get up to piss is good. i should start planning for what to do in lieu of social security, since by the time my generation gets to that point our current president will have spent so much that the s.s. eligibilty age will be 105.

but i live in LA, the cancer belt of the nation. i'll probably get cancer or have s stroke before i get anywhere remotely close to retirement. if i were a cop i would definitely get killed my last day on the job. even if i were just a traffic cop, or a mall security guard (i am, none other than, la fours).



check out the mad paint skills suck-a-duck.

me, old: sitting on my tiny front porch all day drinking alka-seltzer, just waiting to cut up any nerf balls that come into my yard. i'll be putting out flaming bags of shit with my shoes and constantly picking up toilet paper. but yeah, that catheter will be great.

album of the jour: felix da housecat devin dazzle & the neon fever

problums with the cumputer box

the tape i used to record gg this week was defunct so i missed the latest episode. it completely spoiled my evening yesterday. i watch only two shows on television, is it so much to ask the vhs gods that i be allowed to do so unfettered?

it's is mindfucking how stupid some of our public educators are. we maintain the network for an entire parish (other states' "county") school system here. teachers call with the most assinine problems you could imagine. for instance:

"can't i just enter a person's name to send them an e-mail?"

but that's not even the question. the first thing they say is "my e-mail is broken, fix it."

we give them the benefit of the doubt (or we did formerly, rather), and check server settings and other bullplop that could cause an e-mail account to misfunction. after many maligned troubleshooting attempts (pulling teeth), it is made known that said teacher thinks she can send someone an e-mail by just typing their name in the "address" field (address book inclusions notwithstanding). her preferred method for addressing an e-mail:

send to: mary-jane rottencrotch

"i clicked send and it comes back! my e-mail is broken! jello!"

how do kids ever learn to read in this state.

album of the jour: stellastarr* stellastarr*

just some perspective

i write a post about gilmore girls one day, and the next i read an article about the ten thousand (10,000) people or so dying every month in darfur, and don't i feel like the fucking asshole.

this morning i was aggravated in traffic, wishing bad things would happen to the guy in the yukon in front of me who was going ten below the speed limit. then i read how refugees from sudan are also getting aggravated, because they saw their children raped, killed and mutilated the day before.

the next time i get remotely depressed i'm going to think about what it would be like to have a family member gang-raped and torn apart in front of me.

there's a list of donation sites on this page. take some frivolous item you're about to buy, put it back on the shelf, donate what it would have cost, and someone gets to stay alive for another month..

it's really pleasant and convenient to ignore these things that happen in the world and go about daily life, in which we complain about interpersonal drama and paying rent and what happened on some show last night. and it's not unconscionable to do so - such things are what affect our lives directly. it's natural to be concerned about them.

it's just important to keep some perspective. no matter what kind of shit gets dumped on us, there are always much worse things happening to others, and it's good to help if we can (and you know you can).

riggedy read

i've been remiss in watching the new season of gilmore girls, the only show on television i watch with consistancy, or at all really. i guess saturday night live too. but oh, how in love with lorelai and rory i am. how i wish i lived in star's hollow (yes it is a real place, i don't want to hear otherwise). and the korean drummer girl who makes all the cool musical references.... it all makes me hate the toilet town in which i live that much more. i like the show so much i'm even going to start watching smallville just for the wb charm.

damn television, as soon as i think i'm out it pulls me back in. siren whore.

here is some required reading that will scare the shit out of you. the second is lenghty but really, really good:

Post-war planning non-existent Warren P. Strobel and John Walcott, Knight Ridder Newspapers
Without A Doubt by Ron Suskind, NYT

read fuckers!

album of the jour: beulah yoko

bush's hot bulge

i haven't really bought into the quasi-conspiracy theories about the infamous bulge, but there are some pretty questionable pictures out there on the "internets" that clearly show something on his back, under his suit. plus i've noticed that he's been looking curiously stout lately - like he's got on kevlar under his clothes, or something equivalent.

ever notice how one side of his mouth drags? a very uneven smile... the result of a possible stroke? lucy you got some 'splanin to do.

jeb bush was on stephanopoulos this morning. what a scene.

are you ready bongs

today has been totally bogus man. i got impatient this morning and deleted files on my computer that it turns out are pretty important in the operation of everything. so my day thus far has been spent reloading.

i'm looking forward to drinking the many beers that come in a case tonight. the house is mine to myself this weekend, so i'm hosting a big blowout party for one. everyone's going to be there. b.my o.b.

not that i would otherwise be outside, but it's really too nice of a day to be in an office. joints were made for outdoor smoking on days like this.

these joints were made for smokin
that's just what i'll do
one of these days these joints are gonna
blee blah bloh bloh blue

i had a dream last night that i gave birth to a baby.

least favorite music stuff

nope, i'm sleepy and don't want to be here, have nothing to do, am alone in the office, but can't take a nap. here's a list of my least favorite music stuff and styles - it has a nice fm-radio theme to it:

britney, christina, pink, jessica, shakira - all the same, all suck. concerning jessica simpson - she is not attractive. she looks like she's had collagen injected into her chin. she is retarded. apologies to all the retards out there (except her fans).
boy bands - you know who they are; i can't actually type their names. their songs are not music. this includes any solo efforts by members therein.
train - drops of jupiter.....this is.just.bad. suck my ass
avril lavigne - i'm a punk! eff you! grrr!
evanescence - people will hate me for this, but they were not the first band of this style. they weren't the second. they weren't the third. they weren't the... not that the music is bad. i just hate it when a band breaks out with a "new" sound even though it's been done over and over by great bands no one has heard of. i guess it's not their fault, but it still sticks in my craw.
matchbox 20 - i need a shower
modern day hip-hop - why did rap become about nothing but booties.
rage rock - we're angry and must break stuff and scream because our swimming pools have too much chlorine. i've seen cribs, your lives are not that bad.
good charlotte - bad. charlotte. bad!
anything american idol-related - another proud moment for our country. i pride myself on never having seen an episode.
sean paul - is he jamaican? shaggy? just untalented?
99.9% of country music - the other one-tenth percent goes toward a select few alt-country artists (neko case) that i may or may not be in love with.

again, all music on fm radio... run away, run away.

razing arizona

Votergasm.org

i'm registered ladies... *wink

i'm thinking about the president's car ride to the debate tonight at arizona state. it's pretty well-known that asu is rated #1 among party schools in the country (i believe that's a playboy scientific find, so you know it's money). as such, i'm picturing george bush, staring out the limo window, barely able to sit still and chomping at the bit to get his hands on a beer bong.

he will be that puppy dog going on it's first ever car ride, running back and forth on the seats with excitement, trying to look out of every window at once, just dying to get out and sniff all the wonderful crotches.

meanwhile his staff does its best to keep the president on message. karen hughes has a mild taser and is trying to calm him down with sporadic electroshock. karl rove, bitch-slapping bush, yells "pull yourself together man!" condoleezza is updating her resume on monster.

and in a west virginia medium-security prison, martha stewart plays handball with the wall street crowd. what in the world?

album of the jour: apples in stereo velocity of sound

shoes and poon

it was really a nice morning outside - actually cool, clear skies, all that. we had the windows cracked on the way into work. while stopped at a red light the sounds were very serene - the traffic noise seemed sedated compared to other mornings.

then came a guy on a motorcycle. this motorcycle had no muffler (i'm guessing - what do i know about engines), was idling beside us, engine revving, very, very loudly. the light turned green and it sped off. i may not be a smart man, but i know what loud is (forrrrresst...).

why? why in the world? is there something cool about loud engines?

i'm starting to think most assinine things males do is related to some sort of napoleonic complex. has anyone ever noticed how alot of short men drive big trucks? overcompensation has to be the clearest indicator of insecurity there is. i think alot of men who live the big-male-bravado lifestyle (football face-painting, big diesel trucks, plaid, john deere hats, guns, racial slurs, hunting, etc.) are wrought with doubts about their own sexuality on a subconscious level.

i don't get this. social stigmas associated with those things are probably more male-oriented than, let's say, shopping for shoes, but associating oneself with those symbols seems like a really primordial way of compensating for some other perceived shortcoming.

why not just wear a shirt that says "i am straight. i will kick your ass"?

and of course i don't think all this applies to everyone (there's no such thing as a blanket rule). yes you can like football without being insecure - that's not what i'm saying. but in our current cultural climate you have to at least acknowledge the increasing prevalence of this big-swinging-dick mindset.

kind of off-topic, but not really: it's like 9/11 gave the overcompensators the excuse they were secretly and subconsciously (let's hope it was subconsciously) pining for to blow something up. all in an effort to cathardically exorcise pent-up male agression they generated to counteract their fear of being gay. or something.

can't i like shoe-shopping and poontang?

album of the jour: thingy to the innocent

r.i.p. superman

i was going to attach a nail-clipper to my keychain just now; i always need it at work but forget to bring it. i just clipped my nails, and now i can't get the clipper on the keyring because my nails are too short to open the ring enough to put it on. irony sucks.

things i thought about while trying to go to sleep last night:

isn't the word "forewarning" redundant?
what three things have i done wrong during the bush presidency?
why no lingerie commercials for the overweight individual?
william safire is a douchebag.
i should share more pictures of the cat on here.

my top 5 james spader movies:

1. pretty in pink............aristocratic ass
2. less than zero............evil drug-dealing ass
3. mannequin................nerdy, geeky managerial ass
4. secretary...................sadomasochistic ass-slapper
5. white palace.............getting ass and tiny hamburgers from susan sarandon

although i like pretty much everything spader does, those are the tops kiddos. with honorable mention to 2 days in the valley.

album of the jour: polara c'est la vie

*the new le tigre should be my album of the day every day for the rest of my life

attention whore perhaps?

someone explain to me how i'm going to get any sunday afternoon porno-browsing done with this weird growth on my arm. it wasn't there last night; i just noticed it. maybe some topical cream will reduce the swelling. i should see a doctor - about several things.

gotta go to bed. mom's coming, i gotta go to bed. too shweepy.

wheee-heeee!

that's the sound i made when i listened to the new le tigre album just now. i also ruined my pants in three different ways. think about that.

jesus freaks; soapbox warning

the following was inspired by this thread, from the blog of flamingo jones:

if i hear someone speak a sentence in the syntax "as is said in the book of xxxx, chapter xxxx, verse xxxx..." i'm going to have to karate chop that person in the larynx.

christianity doesn't work for me. bully for you if it does. i just loathe the demagoguery that looks down at and chastizes all religious views that don't completely coincide with theirs. these people are such. hypocrisy. fiends.

like rush limbaugh sitting in his little studio washing down oxycontins with circle k big gulps full of honey mustard while criticizing drug addicts and gluttons on the air. let's all listen because he's christian.

why this big "god-in-government" movement lately? does it seem to get more attention than it used to?

has there ever been a civilization in the history of man that has successfully operated under a theocracy? people seem to think that america's strength and founding principles stem from the bible. isn't america's strength derived from the fact that we avoided basing our constitution on the bible, or any religion?

morality and christianity aren't dependent upon each other these days(understatement of the year?). it seems like they're almost moving towards mutual exclusivity.

look what you did mel gibson! i want my eighteen dollars!

album of the jour: ellen allien berlinette

don't read if you're looking for original content

i hate filler lists like the following. i can't think of anything else worthy of posting right now.

firsts
first best friend: i'll let you know
first car: cutlass with no ac and non-working windows (typical microsoft)
first real kiss: a rough trick named annette
first break-up: same, when i ran out of dollar bills
first screen name: betterthanjesus, scourge of mIRC religious chat rooms
first self-purchased album: metallica black album (i know, shame. i was young)
first funeral: that "death of irony" thing after 9/11
first pet: little brother joseph (the family refers to him as "our little accident")
first piercing/tattoo: ear, no tattoo
first credit card: mastercard(s), just paid off
first enemy: skeletor
first big trip: acid
first music you remember hearing in your house: the mom and dad slap-fight percussion experience

lasts
last cigarette: wee hours of saturday morning
last car ride: what in god's name am i doing
last kiss: drunken make-out action in june
last good cry: 8:14 a.m.
last library book checked out: james joyce, ulysses
last book bought: immanuel kant, critique of pure reason
last movie seen: raising arizona
last beverage drank: diet rite
last food consumed: low-carb protein bar
last phone call: from an incompetant "how do i plug this in?" client
last time showered: last night
last shoes worn: whatever i have on my feet right now. don't feel like looking down.
last item bought: sexual favor
last annoyance: right now, filling out this pointless list
last time wanting to die: just a second ago, no a second ago, wait, this past second, that second just passed, this second, that second... now... now... now...

this template made possible by a grant from the bok chicken foundation.

album of the jour: unbunny snow tires

have we met? shall we dance?

favorite moment from last night was when cheney got up and cabbage-patched to the milkshake song when edwards commended him on his having a gay daughter. and it doesn't bother me that dick was the only person to vote against freeing nelson mandela - i always hated those glasses he wore and that insanely annoying laugh.

noooo, that was charles nelson riley. nevermind. cheney's an ass. a robotic sucker of souls.

please people, let's all vote these losers out.

toilet tidbit of the week: the bathroom door in our offices is usually open, but the boss man closes it sometimes after he uses it. it therefore terrifies me to have to open that door - who knows what evil lurks behind? why would you close a bathroom door after using it? does it not need airing out?

slow day in the life when i write about minor bathroom inappropriateness. derp.

album of the jour: coldplay a rush of blood to the head

it pains me to admit it, but this is a good album.

happy news

the louisiana supreme court ruled against amendment 1, defining marriage as being between one man and one woman, which passed overwhelmingly in a vote last month. it was worded poorly and also contained legislation banning all civil unions, and thus deemed unconstitutional, or something like that. i just heard it in passing on the radio and can't find any details yet. but good news. it seems louisiana incompetence finally proved useful in spite of itself.

uncle dick

go fuck yourself you cwazy wabbit...

it's been a while since it rained as hard as it did last night. it was comforting. i took pills and went to bed, dreaming that i was in the army shooting people who weren't in military uniforms, but football uniforms. i had kevlar, they had shoulder prads. i win.

but now i'm awake in the overcast, rainy weather and it doesn't suit me. being awake in any weather doesn't really suit me, but especially on such languid days as this. want to go back to my womb-room. my woom?

i spent money excessively this weekend. i am ubiquitously irresponsible with my finances. i'm also an overly-generous gullible fool. hee, and hee.

album of the jour: the thermals more parts per million

blurble

too. early. monday, monday. must... fuck... monday.

this weekend seemed like work. entertaining people is hard. and yet it comes so easily to me... gaff. it does not.

friday night fun, too much demon liquor. recognize need to lay off tequila shots. big blackout - how did i get back? where is my money? at least i still have my license. and why am i wearing my pants but not my underwear?

great talking to bunny and chicken. now they hate me. he hate me!

saturday night live season premiere was great. affleck dreamy.

album of the jour: minus the bear they make beer commercials like this

jethuth crith

someone suggested to me that i use the word "fag" too much on my blog. let's test. there's a dandy blog search feature in the upper-left-hand corner of this page. right now, type in "fag" and see how many posts come up, excluding this one.

eh? hmm? huh? ahhhhhhh.... what a hate-monger i am.

i understand though, reading is hard.

try it with the less-derogatory "queer", or "homo". whatever slur or epithet you can think of. just to prove what a bigoted motherscratcher i am.

if anyone thinks i'm racist please let me know. this world has enough liberal, open-minded, aclu-member racists in it without me contributing.

trying to sell crazy

i caught the last half of the debate - visceral, cathartic entertainment. at this point people who still support that colossal loser have to be in deep denial or just completely uninformed, or suffer from a karen-hughes-level of not-so-mild retardation. happy day.

something else i find hilarious is how everyone says the president is so "resolute" and did a good job of "staying on message". they are right in a way. but the reason he supposedly stays on message is because that little message of his is the only combination of words he knows.

if i sit in a corner staring at the wall saying "pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird" over and over again it's not because i'm resolute, it's because i'm fucking daffy.

jaw-dropper of the day (pun intended. read this and think about it):

A vehicle so extreme in its power, so incomparable in its appearance, that it defies any attempt to place it in a traditional category. Simply stated, HUMMER(tm) gives new meaning to the word invincible.

In keeping with its famous heritage, HUMMER(tm)Fragrance For Men is masculine with rugged and adventurous attributes. This classic yet bold new fragrance for men embodies all that HUMMER(tm)is.

i'm exhausted. tgif bitches.

album of the jour: !!! louden up now