this is a post

my nyc-dwelling friend jill is coming to town this weekend. it's always a party with jill! she lives in brooklyn... no sleep from. my parents are also in town this weekend, hopefully with a bounty of gifts for their eldest in tow. they like to bribe me for attention. i don't mind.

i'm about to join bmg again. love getting 12 cd's in the mail at once for mega savings, savings, savings. poor bmg, i must have signed up twenty different times in my cd-wrangling tenure. i have more aliases registered with them than.... some... crime person with a lot of aliases. fuck. you can't really get away with that anymore, but it doesn't matter because their selection sucks. after this order there is nothing else they have that i'll want, so it's the end of the affair. i'll probably post the list of what i order just to take up space.

debates tonight - i'd watch it but i would have had to start drinking about four hours ago, so i guess that's an uh-uh. it'll just be style versus substance anyway.

album of the jour: huggy bear taking the rough with the smooth

the cock blocker

the audioblogging makes me nervous (post below). i like having the ability to edit the harangue that comes out of my word hole. as long as i don't try to sound cool i won't be embarrassed. when i try to sound cool i couldn't sound more like a friggin' fag (mister hat). good times. good times.

advantage - me; my cell is small, and shouuld be easy to sneak into jail. it would also make a fairly decent cock blocker in case the soap eludes me in the shower. sorry romper stomper, *occupied*.

all the south park references this morning...

are people watching the debate thursday? i'll leave it on while i'm sleeping. hopefully i won't have a debate-related sex dream. i figured out that the reason i dreamt about lisa kudrow the other day was because friends came on during my nap and subliminally slipped into my mind. i wish it had been jennifer aniston instead of lisa kudrow.

i should just be happy it wasn't ross. i have enough problems.

album of the jour: cibo matto stereotype a

may the wasabe be with you....

i just woke up from a nap. i had a dream i was in my junior high p.e. class and some guy was giving me a big hit of acid and i took it and ran outside to shoot a music video but coach yelled at me to go back in and run laps around the gym so i put on sunglasses and a panama hat and a pale yellow sport jacket as a disguise and snuck out.

last night i had a sex dream about lisa kudrow. i'll take a sex dream any day over a jr. h.s. p.e. acid-trip dream.

i'm booorrred and i wan go home. fuck you four o'clock. get out of the effing way so four-thirty can get here, you selfish a-hole.

when the phone is ringing i complain about working, when it doesn't ring i complain about the stagnation. you can't win. just die already. die!

i could clean out my desk, but don't wanna.

cell phone = silicon?

someone tell me what two old people lying in a hammock has to do with a cell phone (this is the model i bought, by the way). does this mean my cell phone will make me happy? and old? and wear pastels?

i hope not, i hate pastels. consequently, not a fan of easter either.

the idea of lounging in a hammock with a sugar momma isn't that unappealing, although i hope she's not in her late sixties as the lady in the picture appears to be.

is the old guy copping a feel? i hope my cell phone enables me to cop feels when it comes in. copping feels is great.

i apologize in advance... who were the ad wizards that came up with this one?

album of the jour: the primitives lovely

say it ain't so phil, say it ain't so.

cow is your friend

i just got out of our monday meeting and the boss referred to the fiscal year as the "physical" year. i want to hear him say "nuclear".

i've had it with meat. from now on nothing but raw vegetables and nuts. maybe fish. and eggs since i'm pro-choice. i don't eat swine. mace windu told me pigs and cows are "filthy animals", and i won't eat filthy animals anymore. i'll live like them, but i won't eat them. no more! even when they come with cheese and a side dish of dem 'taters (ya shudnt'a dun dat ee just a boy). nope. i'm vegetarian, i am out of the closet... or the meat locker. eff you national cattlemen's beef association!*

*funny that there is such a thing. i bet the conventions have ambulances standing by with defibrillators.

and frankly i'm also getting pretty tired of tolerating all the lactose.

album of the jour: the smiths meat is murder

couldn't resist.

not funny ha-ha, but funny

i check out cnn.com sometimes just to see what they consider news, and today on the home page under the "top stories" heading were the following news bits:

• Beer Belly Bandit strikes again
• Web site offers after-death e-mail
• Dreams fueling space tourist industry

then, if you sift to the "world" news page, you can find the following story:

Iran insists nuclear program is peaceful

what is going on? am i insane? don't answer, let me repharse. am i insane because i think nuclear weaponry is more important than a fat bank robber?

my theory is that mother nature is sending all these hurricanes to florida because they fucked up the election.

well, not so much a theory as a wild-eyed, foundless, hangover-induced grouping of words i know.

album of the jour: sing-sing the joy of sing-sing

can you lick me now?

i succumbed to modern technological trendy bastardism and got a cell phone. i think i arrived at the cellular party fashionably late enough. now i can audioblog from the club, from some stranger's bedroom, and eventually from jail. i thought about getting the camera flip-phone but i wouldn't go a month without breaking it. the one i bought looks like i could drop it at least a couple of times, which is likely considering my predilection for all the drunk-dialing.

who doesn't like the drunk-dialing?

speaking of which, the case awaits.

i just heard several police sirens go by (we are near the airport). don't let the door hit you, fuckhole.

dick!

on the way in this morning there was an unusual number of police cars at random places on the side of the road. it was weird. then i came in and started reading the newspapers and it turns out that the veep creep dick himself was speaking in lafayette this morning.

fuck.

i wish it would have been on a saturday. i wish it would have been open to the public.

what about this for a t-shirt: the word "dick", inside a red circle with a line through it... when the secret service comes to arrest you for dissent you can say that you're just expressing your distaste for fags, and you support the preservation of the sanctity of marriage (incidentally, what does that even mean?). you'd have to actually say "fags" to sound like a true moron.

album of the jour: polara polara

happy birthday mom

last week i ordered almost thirty cd's from half.com, which i think has the best prices you can find anywhere for cd's - if someone knows a better place please share.

anyway, i'm not going to open any until they've all come in so i can have one big musical christmas-like orgy of paper-ripping and clapping and moustache-twisting. yeah i clap when i get new things.

the following - not necessarily new but have recently discovered and love like heroin:

holly golightly - serial girlfriend
clearlake - cedars
the charlottes - lovehappy
14 iced bears - wonder
fingathing - and the big red nebula band
arto lindsay - salt
the thrills - let's bottle bohemia

interesting letter from our local rag:

Quick question about sanctity of marriage
If marriage is such a sacred institution and needs constitutional protection then why not make divorce illegal?

-Philip Dupre

grand-ish tetons

i found this quiz by reading shanna's blog - all credit where credit is due. for the females you can get your boobie names, and for the lonely among you, i am...

Your Penis Name is: The Bald Avenger

Get your own Penis Name

yes, it's true... i am the bald avenger. my secret identity is thusly blown (snap!).

cold mountain - i get the whole odyssey correlation. it wasn't terrible, but if you're going to watch a movie paralleling the odyssey then watch o brother where art thou (she done up an' r-u-n-n-o-f-t).

nicole kidman flashed a little nee-po in this movie (obviously cold, not so much a mountain). i'm not that enthusiastic about the nipple anymore. high school and college were niptastic times. nowadays i look at the female pacifiers and have about the same reaction as looking at my own. that's not right.

i still at least appreciate a good boobie, but it's not the same. is this what getting older is like? you stop appreciating nudity? damn you internet! you and your busty german frauleins...

and latina housemaids and turkish amputees and hermaphroditic midgets and strap-on donkey-punchers...

i need psychotropic drugs. i'm going to go snort air freshener in the bathroom.

album of the jour: the like young so serious

i know alot of people secrete bodily fluids over the white stripes (jack white had a bit part in cold mountain by the way), but with all due respect, fuck them. if you want to listen to a good boy-girl guitar-drum group check out the like young. they record their albums in their living room. bless their hearts.

pssst, meg... this is what "keeping the beat" sounds like.

today's secret word: abeyance

there's a troubling pattern that's developed in american culture over the last few weeks, or months or years, which has been following this archetype: predictable pending shit, shit happening, and the populous accepting said shit. for instance(s):

presidential claims contradicted by fact? facts are so passe.
white house incompetance? incompe-what?
more people dead? yeah the population was a tad high.
2 x 3 = 11? and your point?
2 + 2 = 5? thom yorke is crazy.

papa got a brand new bag? well, a) papa hasn't worked in two years and could never afford it, and b) he died a week ago because he couldn't pay for treatment for his epstein barrs..

as this apocalyptic trend has been all the rage lately, i'm going to force my head down hard into the sand where i will either be rendered unconscious therein or just be immune from this "world" without. i'm not writing about it anymore. maybe once a week when the other juices just ain't flowin'. the whole thing (i almost used the word "quagmire" there, but if i hear that word too many more times i'm going postal - metaphorically or in actuality; i can get good guns now) infuriates me more than i should let it, so i'm not going to let it anymore.

i'm probably full of shit and this is just a passing fanciful idea that suits me right here and now. but really it's not a bad one.

78 to 22. one in five.

a ten-point lead for he-who-shall-not-have-brain.

i just saw cold mountain last night (more about the movie later) . i pulled this quote, in reference to the american civil war, because i think it's still applicable:

"...and every piece of this is man's bullshit! They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining!'"

album of the jour: the sounds living in america

tegan and sara

i've had some pretty weird daydreams of these two canadian lesbian twins getting romantic with each other while one of their songs plays in the background. regardless of that, their new cd is uber-fantastic. check it out.

this is a clip from their previous album, recorded very poorly (just an excuse to acclimatize myself to the audioblogger):

louisiana's wonderful marriage amendment deal passed by a narrow 78-22 margin (or something close to that). score one for slack-jaws everywhere.

it's almost a chronic obsession of mine to have clean hands. on average i would say i wash my hands fifteen to twenty times a day, not counting showers or the times when i use soap to shock the monkey. i just don't like it when my hands feel oily or gritty, which happens alot when i take computers apart and have to rip out various components that haven't seen the daylight for months and thus collect copious amounts of dust and skite.

this has been an extremely useless and uninteresting post about nothing, brought to you by the letter "k", and i may someday write a book. but it's early and monday and i have too much crap to do, so suck it long and suck it hard.

album of the jour: tenki view of an orbiting man

where i live the voting precinct is really tiny. one of the people working the voting booths today told me there had been over a hundred people that voted thus far (i was 127), which is a good deal considering that about eleven showed up to vote in the democratic primaries (the last vote). take that to mean what you will, but i think people are almost eager to vote against same-sex marriage and this amendment is going to pass very, very easily. very, very sad.

see: gritty fagina two posts down

platelets anyone?

it's official: my office is full of racist bigot bastards. it's a regular good ole boy convention in my boss's office right now, full of white men with big guts and cajun accents talking about "fucking fags" and the "rainbow festival" going on this weekend. i smile to the faces. very good for me that i at least have access to my sane little blog world during the workday. merci buckets all.

i've decided that this year for halloween i am going to dress up as a stem cell. supposedly stem cells are this year's "hot button" issue. i think a stem cell costume would really be slimming and accentuate my rock hard well-toned ankles. i could wear a sign saying "research this!". it would be great to get other people to dress up as nerve cells or liver cells to go trick-or-treating with me in heavily christian neighborhoods.

"and what are you dressed up as little boy?"
"i'm a stem cell ma'am. make with the candy corn and progressive thinking."



album of the jour: french kicks one time bell

illustration of my previous post:

gritty fagina

louisiana is a fucking pitiful excuse for a civilizaztion with a 90% right-brained, no-brained, latenttly homosexual, homophobic, alcoholic, cholesterol-coagulated, short-sighted, bible-brandishing, penis-flapping, tit-flashing-for-plastic (and not amex plastic) , ackwards-bassed, misguided, inane, mambo-number-5, laissez les bon bon rouler you-got-a-purty-mouth head-in-the-sand inbred FUCKS on the planet... this state fucking sucks a fat baby's balls.

so does the country. americans are turning into neo-nazi facist fuck suckers who only respect the bible and money. actually, fuck the bible. just money.

oh please tell me elizabeth how exactly does one suck a fuck?

right now i can drop my pants, piss in your face and tell you it's raining and you will smile. right? i'll have to charge you for it, but i will let you pay me.

and thank god and our lord-saviour jesus christ that i can channel my rage through my brand new ak-47.

remember that south park episode where kyle develops a life-threatening raging hemorrhoid because really great things start happening to cartman?

i want to be swimming in the carribean with animals hiding behind the rocks.

where is my mind

i can't be friends with smash for the next couple of weeks (she's completely devastated) because she's going to austin city limits this weekend, and i am not. this is the epitomy of self-knife time if ever there was such a thing... the pixies people, the pixies.... i get sick thinking of it. if i were a truly courageous and indignatious indie fan i would just quit the job and go anyway, eff the consequences. so that's it - my true clandestine nature is thusly revealed - i am a big scaredy pussy-pussy chicken man. mea culpa mea culpa.

i need things to do this weekend to keep acl off of my mind... i was just going to do the weekend ritualistic beer/sleep/pills/sleep thing, but then i remembered what i'm missing out on and am seriously considering making friends with gasoline-soaked rags. open to constructive suggestions.

i ordered a rowing machine and since it came in i've been burning lots of calories moving the hulking box, equipment unassebled and still inside, to and fro out of my way when i enter and leave my room. feel the burn. i'm going to eschew setting it up prior to... let's say october, because... october is when my new mexico river rapids virtual experience dvd comes in, and then i could set up the rower in front of the tv and have the dvd running whilst i row. then i just need a life jacket and a small squirt gun to simulate a true white water experience.

speaking of white water, uhhhh... fuck. insert your own wry porno reference here, it's early and i got nothing.

since everyone likes stereotype quizzes, here's another one i took a while back that's fun: which enemy of the christian church are you? for the record i came in as an atheist. credit to sierra for finding the high school one.

no, the dvd new mexico river rapids virtual experience does not exist.

album of the jour: onelinedrawing the vounteers

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz.

retrospectively speaking

i've begun acclimatization to pre-1980 music, as was suggested to me by murph himself. bnads (i was going to correct that typo but i think i like bnads better) include: the velvet undergound, bowie, the beach boys (my aunt actually has pet sounds on vinyl), the kinks... and despite an inexplicable life-long grudge, the beatles (my distaste exists on two levels: one, i think my parents used to listen to them; and 2, i've heard them referred to as the first boy band). not so inexplicable after all i guess.

i've no real intention of exploring any other older stuff presently, except your momma. i would still take recommendations, assuming you've perused my album list and think there is something i'd like. just pimp it out negroes.

i am now and have always been addicted to new releases and invention/exploration in music, but i realize that it's important to recognize lineage and influence. but remember, one foot in tomorrow and one in yesterday means you're pissing on today (thank you AA).

and while i'm on the subject, i really wish every person with a blog would have some list with their favorite albums on it (there's that "favorite music" section of the profile, but that's too non-specific, i.e. complete crap). you can tell a great deal about people by the cd's they like. an on-line cd favs list would be the virtual equivalent of having up-skirt priveleges on someone. yeeowsah.

i honestly don't care what people put in a paragraph describing themselves. vanity or unawareness always skews a person's autobiographical information (if you have ever described yourself as "sexy" then we can't be friends anymore).

album of the jour: mates of state our constant concern

monday bloody monday

hooray, finally i can buy a tech-9 to more efficiently kill squirrels behind my trailer. the barrel is also a perfect size for cleaning out earwax. and kim jong il is shrooming. we all have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

people i meet are starting to equate to funerals i may one day have to attend. every time you have any sort of long-lasting relationship with someone, be it professional or friendly or romantic, whatever, you potentially become obligated to attend a funeral at some point in time. did i not just find a positive spin on having no friends? yes i think so... (thank you fox news!).

the actual death part doesn't concern me that much, it's the fact that i'm going to have to dress up and attend an hour-long ceremony... and in a church no less. of course i wouldn't necessarily be required to go, but seriously, how do you get out of a funeral without coming across as a raging jackass? i could always just send a card saying "i wanted to go but it just would have been too painful for me, just too painful". that's what college was for - teaching you how to bullshit your way out of uncomfortable situations.

but then you run the risk of having some sort of intervention where friends/family sit down and lecture you on the finer points of closure, and that would probably be worse than sitting through the funeral.

do you get free food after funerals? because then i may reconsider.

i am one morose motherfucker. lots of shit in the cereal today, bong.

album of the jour: burnside project the networks, the circuits, the streams, the harmonies

hurricane is so the sexy. i'm impressed by how expansive and awe-inspiring they can be. not as impressive when they come to louisiana and nix the power for two weeks, forcing me to live sans air conditioning and anything interesting to do (which is why it's important to stock up on the gin beforehand kids). still, i find myself frequenting the weather channel website often these days. the scorpions rule.

damn you blueberry boat

what is happening to my musical sensibility....i'm starting to really enjoy almost anything that sounds new and inventive, and i can't tell if it's good or not, just that i enjoy it for being different. case-in-point: the fiery furnaces. mini operettas? how does this fit in with anything i've loved in the past? how? how? is this just a symptom of aging? maybe i've developed such a distaste for modern-day bubble-gum culture that different always equals good? i dont' want to be some sort of pedantic musical elitist (don't know what a musical elitist is? read practically any review from pitchfork media) that thinks something is good just because it's obscure and strange. is this positive evolution or regression? help me jerry, help me!



i guess what i'm really asking is whether or not anyone else likes the fiery furnaces.

album of the jour: rachel goswell waves are universal

essen this

for reasons unknown the german city "schtutgart" has been going through my mind repeatedly over the past two days. i can't stop thinking and saying schtutgart... schtutgart.... schtutgart.... it's really a fabulous word to say. does it make me a fascist because i find the german language amusing? because i like sauerbraten and husky frauleins and beer in the morning? does this make me a subconscious nazi? yes, yes it does. it also makes me an alcoholic, but only when i drink.

but have you ever seen german porn? it's blooming hysterical! every german phrase that i know has been derived from german porn (all i really need to know i learned on leckenmeinskrotum.com? my new book...). you may have to babelfish that one. if your mind is twisted and remotely imaginative then you probably won't.

there's a foreign language teaching method our educational system may have overlooked - learning through porn (one plus one... plus one... plus a llama... equals... hump-backed babies?). it's all about peaking the interest of todays youth and tomorrow's scheizer essers.

remember that tool* song off of aenima that sounded like some sort of raging hitler youth rally, all in german, that was supposedly just a recipe for waffles? remember that? yeah.

*i do not now like nor ever have liked tool. way back then (1996-ish) a friend made me listen to that song over and over again, hence the walk down memory lane.

a brief walk down mammary lane - my trig teacher had big bressesses. consequently i have no idea what sines, cosines, or tangents are.

here is some funny stuff:

Pleasure Boat Captains for Truth ad

White House West with Will Ferrell

album of the jour: magnapop hot boxing

the taste of originality

generally i try to avoid soft drinks for the high-sugar content, but i found a new reason to dislike dr. pepper this weekend. i saw commercials featuring leann rimes, reba mcentire (more like hack-entire. score!), and b2k (i feel dirty just typing those three characters in a row) singing their versions of the soft drink jingle. i think it's pretty fair to say that when you lend your celebrity to a cola, your artistic integrity ranks somewhere between milli and vanilli. i remember seeing cyndi lauper do a dr. pepper commercial as well. of course n'sync (again, i feel dirty) did a chili's commercial... and maybe mcdonald's? can't exactly remember.

celebrity endorsement - what better evidence is there that it's all about the benjamins.

sammy sosa likes pepsi.... maybe i should like pepsi too! who the fuck is sammy sosa?

hey america, let's form a think tank whose sole purpose is to invent new ways of selling out. an algonquin round table of greed, as such.

also, dennis hastert (speaker of the house - third in command) is a screaming sheep fucker.

there is now a tag board amidst the right column brickabrack if you want to unleash some sentiment non-specific to any post. my wife has an inner ear infection.

album of the jour: dressy bessy pink hearts yellow moons

warped nihilism

woo woo, football season started. look how excited i am. see? see the excitement on my face? watch. watch. this is how excited i am. look.

labor day actually takes on significance when you have a job. no spectacular significance mind you; it's still a day in my life. frankly i'm indifferent on being off or not. how generation-xyz of me right?

album of the jour: the vines winning days

their first album pissed me off - maybe two decent songs and filler. i fucking hate that. this one is a good listen though, definitely more substantive.

strong oak man

fridays seem to be slow blog reading/writing days. why, why? perhaps due to all the "normies" making party plans for the upcoming extended weekend. fucking normies.

as for my weekend plans (who am i kidding - plan, just one), tonight is michelob night. it has been nye and twenty nights (i don't know what that means - three weeks) since my last tasty beverage, strong-willed oak man that i am (easy to not drink when unconscious). yes, i will draw a nice bath and light candles, and my chardonnay, bath beads, and norah jones cd will spend some quality labor-day-weekend time in the salle de bains. strong oak man.

i only admit this because it's friday and people don't read on friday. my personal equivalent of white house bad-news releases on fridays. drink and forget...drink and forget...sleeeepy....sleeeeepy...poppies...poppies...

actually it's just beer, cigarettes and really loud music.

is it necessarily bad to drink alone? i rather enjoy it... and it's not like i'm sitting in the dark crying and rubbing my nipples while i drink the pain away. it's optimistic alcoholic solitaire.

album of the jour: forget cassettes instruments of action

did anyone notice karen hughes mouthing the words to the speech along with bush? they showed her doing it on cspan, i don't know about any of the other coverage. i feel so sad for her. meh, not really.

this is an excerpt from kerry's midnight speech in springfield, ohio last night (tonight). just the best part of the speech really. i'd love to hear more just like this, only a little more scathing maybe.


The election comes down to this. If you believe this country is heading in the right direction, you should support George Bush. But if you believe America needs to move in a new direction, join with us. John and I offer a better plan that will make us stronger at home and more respected in the world. And we need your help to do that.

For three days in New York, instead of talking about jobs and the economy, we heard anger and insults from the Republicans. And I'll tell you why. It's because they can't talk about the real issues facing Americans. They can't talk about their record because it's a record of failure.

We all saw the anger and distortion of the Republican Convention. For the past week, they attacked my patriotism and my fitness to serve as commander in chief. Well, here's my answer. I'm not going to have my commitment to defend this country questioned by those who refused to serve when they could have and by those who have misled the nation into Iraq.

The vice president even called me unfit for office last night. I guess I'll leave it up to the voters whether five deferments makes someone more qualified to defend this nation than two tours of duty.

Let me tell you what I think makes someone unfit for duty. Misleading our nation into war in Iraq makes you unfit to lead this nation. Doing nothing while this nation loses millions of jobs makes you unfit to lead this nation. Letting 45 million Americans go without health care makes you unfit to lead this nation. Letting the Saudi royal family control our energy costs makes you unfit to lead this nation. Handing out billions of government contracts to Halliburton while you're still on their payroll makes you unfit. That's the record of George Bush and Dick Cheney. And it's not going to change. I believe it's time to move America in a new direction; I believe it's time to set a new course for America.

just like brian wilson

i must not be a fan of my own free time. something i just realized ( not just realized, but just thought about) is that i sleep through practically every hour of the day/weekend that i am not at work. and usually not natural sleep - always induced by this pill or that pill or the other pill. i'm in my mid-twenties (25 - almost mid-twenties some would say) and i'm going to wake up one morning in a mid-life crisis and realize how utterly i squandered my youth and life, lamenting that i never did the things young people do because i am a hermit and a coward and a slacker and have preconceived misconceptions about the world that shouldn't matter, despite their absurdity.

time is not linear, or even cyclical. it's a single fucking point. wasn't i just on a field trip? didn't i just graduate? the year 2020: wasn't i just 25? what the hell happened? i'm obsessed with the concept of time.

is it wise to keep striving for a lifestyle that may not be in the cards, or should i just acquiesce to the blessed mean... become a run-of-the-mill worker drone and buy dockers and drink starbucks and check the weather channel every ten mintutes before the hour to see if it's going to rain so i don't muss my dockers.

being a hermit is addictive.

album of the jour: the get up kids on a wire

their new album (guilt show) sucks, but that one is good. and i'm not a huge fan of emo.