Wednesday, April 06, 2005

great moments in papal history

1982 - pope john paul II outrages the catholic church when he insinuates that cocaine use can bring one closer to "seeing jesus". simon lebon and nick rhodes convert to catholicism the following day.

1978 - john paul I declares october 24 a religious day of recognition, when the second coming of christ is beheld; the boy is named "phizz", a latin term meaning "he with long peanuts".

1949 - pope pius XII, suffering from severe alzheimer's, delays condemning the holocaust, calling it " tough love for bankers".

1899 - leo XIII orders that the sistene chapel be stocked with kerosene, grain, and goat meat, having come down with y1.9k fever.

1492 - north america is discovered, and pope alexander VI sends extremist evangelicals to populate the southern region so they can exploit the african godless "darkies" for free labor in the name of god, and one day fuck up an election.

1141 - pope innocent II is convicted of being the devil's plaything when it is discovered that he anointed the genitals of several naive seminary priests. he was also blamed for the disappearance of several barrels of the "blood of christ".

64 (a.d.) - st. peter declares idleness to be a sin, and dies three days later of exhaustion, and pox of the clap. his decree is revoked.

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