Friday, October 21, 2005

friday freaks

file under: acrimony

a little disclaimer: hot or not is, of course, mostly bullshit. i realize that the majority of pictures submitted to the site are jokes, however, i like pretending. i choose to treat it seriously because it's funnier that way. yes, i know that the ratings are bullshit and the pictures are bullshit and the whole thing is a big bulshitty sham. but my life is joyless, so don't tread on me for having an active imagination.

i chose to juxtapose these three pictures because, believe it or not ripley, they all received the same rating: 6.6. would anyone else give the first girl anything below a 9? it's probably the most gorgeous picture i've seen on the site, but i guess she didn't show enough skin. to the other two ladies ("ladies") -- two-pieces are not for everyone. i guess if you've got it then flaunt it. but otherwise keep it chained in the basement.

eat cake! eat a goddamned cheeseburger! eat food that comes in a bucket! stop buying ex-lax and cigarettes and artificial sweeteners, and fucking carbo-load for god's sake! i can't really tell how old this girl is so it's possible she's only 13ish (in which case i swear she told me otherwise), but damn female. stop idolizing little katie moss and chasing the carpenter's dream (flat as a board, easy to nail). real women have curves.

(right) oh... oh... holy freaking god, no. i'm not sure how to articulate my feelings about this so i'll just write down the phrases going through my mind for some odd reason: come on sally you know you want me, all of that and a bag of crap, gotta light, i'll suck this dick i'll suck that dick i'll suck anything that moooooooves, want it to get weird sweetpants, i'll punch my mother, i don't give a fuck, i'll punch you in the face right now, let's play football, where's my baby, does this look infected.

what i want from you shaylene is to pose like a blowup doll as best you can. keep the mouth open, put on too much lipstick, try to get a glazed look in your eyes. men are inherently afraid of intellectual women so also incessantly repeat the word "derrr" in your mind and hopefully your face will convey the sentiment. make love to the camera. work it work it work it.

(right) i don't visit hot or not to jerk off or anything (that's what is for), but a little advice to the fairer sex: if you're trying to turn a man on with your picture, don't take it with your baby. don't take it with ANY baby. men are afraid of children and all you're doing is reminding us that sex has horrible horrible consequences (responsibility, that is). an infant in the picture takes the yowsers out of the trousers faster than thinking about baseball or harriet miers. or harriet miers playing baseball. how about della reese with honey mustard on her face? barbara bush tap dancing? john ashcroft singing "let the eagle soar"?

great. now i'll never get an erection again. thanks alot girl-with-baby. i know, there was a pretty good chance i'd never make use of an erection again anyway.

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