Friday, October 07, 2005

friday freaks

the hot or not site is too much fun, i'm sorry. it's going to be a weekly thing along the lines of flamingo's friday random ten. frankly it's a formatting nightmare to crop and upload all of these pictures then combine them into one post, but it makes the "work" day go by quicker. all these people get ones.

my golden rule of profile pictures: two-piece swimsuits, daisy-duke shorts and gils-gone-wild trucker caps dictate only narcissism and slutterdom (trademarked word). give me hardcore porn any day -- twice on sunday -- but don't show me evidence that (allegedly) real-life people have that little respect for themselves. at least try to get some advertising dollars out of it! for fuck's sake.

i've found the inspiration for ursula the sea hag from "the little mermaid". my aunt has an older copy of the movie on vhs with the penis on the cover. i was going to sell it on ebay but noone seems to want it so i'm going to say that i saw a picture of the virgin mary in the background clouds.

anyway, disgusting. are you wearing something from the roaring twenties? are you a flapper? is it halloween and you went as a gatsby? ever dance the charleston on top of the chrysler building? do you fancy bootleg hooch? bathtub gin?

scrolling through hot-or-not pictures (only females) i sometimes get into a groove where none of the pictures are especially outstanding or shocking and i get complacent. then WHAM, i stumble upon a professional female wrestler with no makeup on, drinking kool-aid on the kitchen floor. she looks surprised that she was taking her own picture.

snuffleupagus! she's stretching out for a one-on-one steel-caged death match with the previous girl. it brings to mind one of fat bastard's lines from austin powers: "ooohhhh look at mah tit-ties! i'm dead sexay". if i had mams like that then maybe i'd be writhing around on the floor with back problems as well.

barf the spaceballs sidekick dog/man is reborn, only with noticeably less grooming. if i had to travel around in a galactic flying winnebago i'd much rather have john candy eating taco bell in the passenger's seat than jabba-the-hut here. she shouldn't have just stood around when they opened the ark of the covenant.

i'll concede that you have a nice body, although you look mean enough to eat my soul, but why paint yourself like a power ranger? it probably took alot of time and effort didn't it?

i've seen naked body art that's interesting and beautiful and creative -- why couldn't you go with one of those designs? did your local crafts store only have three colors of paint? were yellow and periwinkle blue on sale?

maybe she's fulfilling some fantasy of being an action figure. if so i don't recognize the character, maybe someone could help me. japanese anime?

black boxes aside, WHY DOES EVERYONE IN AMERICA HAVE TO LOOK ALIKE? let's all go to pottery barn and buy the same rattan couches, throw-rugs, coffee tables and daybeds then head over to the gap for hip-huggers and shoestring tank-tops right before getting matching makeup and fake tans. then we hit the club and get drunk on hawaiian punch while flipping off a handsome and charming louisiana boy who only wants a friend and wasn't trying to hit on you by innocently slapping your vagina repeatedly. also let's all three get names that rhyme.

No comments: