this is a post

my nyc-dwelling friend jill is coming to town this weekend. it's always a party with jill! she lives in brooklyn... no sleep from. my parents are also in town this weekend, hopefully with a bounty of gifts for their eldest in tow. they like to bribe me for attention. i don't mind.

i'm about to join bmg again. love getting 12 cd's in the mail at once for mega savings, savings, savings. poor bmg, i must have signed up twenty different times in my cd-wrangling tenure. i have more aliases registered with them than.... some... crime person with a lot of aliases. fuck. you can't really get away with that anymore, but it doesn't matter because their selection sucks. after this order there is nothing else they have that i'll want, so it's the end of the affair. i'll probably post the list of what i order just to take up space.

debates tonight - i'd watch it but i would have had to start drinking about four hours ago, so i guess that's an uh-uh. it'll just be style versus substance anyway.

album of the jour: huggy bear taking the rough with the smooth

the cock blocker

the audioblogging makes me nervous (post below). i like having the ability to edit the harangue that comes out of my word hole. as long as i don't try to sound cool i won't be embarrassed. when i try to sound cool i couldn't sound more like a friggin' fag (mister hat). good times. good times.

advantage - me; my cell is small, and shouuld be easy to sneak into jail. it would also make a fairly decent cock blocker in case the soap eludes me in the shower. sorry romper stomper, *occupied*.

all the south park references this morning...

are people watching the debate thursday? i'll leave it on while i'm sleeping. hopefully i won't have a debate-related sex dream. i figured out that the reason i dreamt about lisa kudrow the other day was because friends came on during my nap and subliminally slipped into my mind. i wish it had been jennifer aniston instead of lisa kudrow.

i should just be happy it wasn't ross. i have enough problems.

album of the jour: cibo matto stereotype a

may the wasabe be with you....

i just woke up from a nap. i had a dream i was in my junior high p.e. class and some guy was giving me a big hit of acid and i took it and ran outside to shoot a music video but coach yelled at me to go back in and run laps around the gym so i put on sunglasses and a panama hat and a pale yellow sport jacket as a disguise and snuck out.

last night i had a sex dream about lisa kudrow. i'll take a sex dream any day over a jr. h.s. p.e. acid-trip dream.

i'm booorrred and i wan go home. fuck you four o'clock. get out of the effing way so four-thirty can get here, you selfish a-hole.

when the phone is ringing i complain about working, when it doesn't ring i complain about the stagnation. you can't win. just die already. die!

i could clean out my desk, but don't wanna.

cell phone = silicon?

someone tell me what two old people lying in a hammock has to do with a cell phone (this is the model i bought, by the way). does this mean my cell phone will make me happy? and old? and wear pastels?

i hope not, i hate pastels. consequently, not a fan of easter either.

the idea of lounging in a hammock with a sugar momma isn't that unappealing, although i hope she's not in her late sixties as the lady in the picture appears to be.

is the old guy copping a feel? i hope my cell phone enables me to cop feels when it comes in. copping feels is great.

i apologize in advance... who were the ad wizards that came up with this one?

album of the jour: the primitives lovely

say it ain't so phil, say it ain't so.

cow is your friend

i just got out of our monday meeting and the boss referred to the fiscal year as the "physical" year. i want to hear him say "nuclear".

i've had it with meat. from now on nothing but raw vegetables and nuts. maybe fish. and eggs since i'm pro-choice. i don't eat swine. mace windu told me pigs and cows are "filthy animals", and i won't eat filthy animals anymore. i'll live like them, but i won't eat them. no more! even when they come with cheese and a side dish of dem 'taters (ya shudnt'a dun dat ee just a boy). nope. i'm vegetarian, i am out of the closet... or the meat locker. eff you national cattlemen's beef association!*

*funny that there is such a thing. i bet the conventions have ambulances standing by with defibrillators.

and frankly i'm also getting pretty tired of tolerating all the lactose.

album of the jour: the smiths meat is murder

couldn't resist.

not funny ha-ha, but funny

i check out cnn.com sometimes just to see what they consider news, and today on the home page under the "top stories" heading were the following news bits:

• Beer Belly Bandit strikes again
• Web site offers after-death e-mail
• Dreams fueling space tourist industry

then, if you sift to the "world" news page, you can find the following story:

Iran insists nuclear program is peaceful

what is going on? am i insane? don't answer, let me repharse. am i insane because i think nuclear weaponry is more important than a fat bank robber?

my theory is that mother nature is sending all these hurricanes to florida because they fucked up the election.

well, not so much a theory as a wild-eyed, foundless, hangover-induced grouping of words i know.

album of the jour: sing-sing the joy of sing-sing

can you lick me now?

i succumbed to modern technological trendy bastardism and got a cell phone. i think i arrived at the cellular party fashionably late enough. now i can audioblog from the club, from some stranger's bedroom, and eventually from jail. i thought about getting the camera flip-phone but i wouldn't go a month without breaking it. the one i bought looks like i could drop it at least a couple of times, which is likely considering my predilection for all the drunk-dialing.

who doesn't like the drunk-dialing?

speaking of which, the case awaits.

i just heard several police sirens go by (we are near the airport). don't let the door hit you, fuckhole.

dick!

on the way in this morning there was an unusual number of police cars at random places on the side of the road. it was weird. then i came in and started reading the newspapers and it turns out that the veep creep dick himself was speaking in lafayette this morning.

fuck.

i wish it would have been on a saturday. i wish it would have been open to the public.

what about this for a t-shirt: the word "dick", inside a red circle with a line through it... when the secret service comes to arrest you for dissent you can say that you're just expressing your distaste for fags, and you support the preservation of the sanctity of marriage (incidentally, what does that even mean?). you'd have to actually say "fags" to sound like a true moron.

album of the jour: polara polara

happy birthday mom

last week i ordered almost thirty cd's from half.com, which i think has the best prices you can find anywhere for cd's - if someone knows a better place please share.

anyway, i'm not going to open any until they've all come in so i can have one big musical christmas-like orgy of paper-ripping and clapping and moustache-twisting. yeah i clap when i get new things.

the following - not necessarily new but have recently discovered and love like heroin:

holly golightly - serial girlfriend
clearlake - cedars
the charlottes - lovehappy
14 iced bears - wonder
fingathing - and the big red nebula band
arto lindsay - salt
the thrills - let's bottle bohemia

interesting letter from our local rag:

Quick question about sanctity of marriage
If marriage is such a sacred institution and needs constitutional protection then why not make divorce illegal?

-Philip Dupre

grand-ish tetons

i found this quiz by reading shanna's blog - all credit where credit is due. for the females you can get your boobie names, and for the lonely among you, i am...

Your Penis Name is: The Bald Avenger

Get your own Penis Name

yes, it's true... i am the bald avenger. my secret identity is thusly blown (snap!).

cold mountain - i get the whole odyssey correlation. it wasn't terrible, but if you're going to watch a movie paralleling the odyssey then watch o brother where art thou (she done up an' r-u-n-n-o-f-t).

nicole kidman flashed a little nee-po in this movie (obviously cold, not so much a mountain). i'm not that enthusiastic about the nipple anymore. high school and college were niptastic times. nowadays i look at the female pacifiers and have about the same reaction as looking at my own. that's not right.

i still at least appreciate a good boobie, but it's not the same. is this what getting older is like? you stop appreciating nudity? damn you internet! you and your busty german frauleins...

and latina housemaids and turkish amputees and hermaphroditic midgets and strap-on donkey-punchers...

i need psychotropic drugs. i'm going to go snort air freshener in the bathroom.

album of the jour: the like young so serious

i know alot of people secrete bodily fluids over the white stripes (jack white had a bit part in cold mountain by the way), but with all due respect, fuck them. if you want to listen to a good boy-girl guitar-drum group check out the like young. they record their albums in their living room. bless their hearts.

pssst, meg... this is what "keeping the beat" sounds like.

today's secret word: abeyance

there's a troubling pattern that's developed in american culture over the last few weeks, or months or years, which has been following this archetype: predictable pending shit, shit happening, and the populous accepting said shit. for instance(s):

presidential claims contradicted by fact? facts are so passe.
white house incompetance? incompe-what?
more people dead? yeah the population was a tad high.
2 x 3 = 11? and your point?
2 + 2 = 5? thom yorke is crazy.

papa got a brand new bag? well, a) papa hasn't worked in two years and could never afford it, and b) he died a week ago because he couldn't pay for treatment for his epstein barrs..

as this apocalyptic trend has been all the rage lately, i'm going to force my head down hard into the sand where i will either be rendered unconscious therein or just be immune from this "world" without. i'm not writing about it anymore. maybe once a week when the other juices just ain't flowin'. the whole thing (i almost used the word "quagmire" there, but if i hear that word too many more times i'm going postal - metaphorically or in actuality; i can get good guns now) infuriates me more than i should let it, so i'm not going to let it anymore.

i'm probably full of shit and this is just a passing fanciful idea that suits me right here and now. but really it's not a bad one.

78 to 22. one in five.

a ten-point lead for he-who-shall-not-have-brain.

i just saw cold mountain last night (more about the movie later) . i pulled this quote, in reference to the american civil war, because i think it's still applicable:

"...and every piece of this is man's bullshit! They call this war a cloud over the land. But they made the weather and then they stand in the rain and say 'Shit, it's raining!'"

album of the jour: the sounds living in america

tegan and sara

i've had some pretty weird daydreams of these two canadian lesbian twins getting romantic with each other while one of their songs plays in the background. regardless of that, their new cd is uber-fantastic. check it out.

this is a clip from their previous album, recorded very poorly (just an excuse to acclimatize myself to the audioblogger):

louisiana's wonderful marriage amendment deal passed by a narrow 78-22 margin (or something close to that). score one for slack-jaws everywhere.

it's almost a chronic obsession of mine to have clean hands. on average i would say i wash my hands fifteen to twenty times a day, not counting showers or the times when i use soap to shock the monkey. i just don't like it when my hands feel oily or gritty, which happens alot when i take computers apart and have to rip out various components that haven't seen the daylight for months and thus collect copious amounts of dust and skite.

this has been an extremely useless and uninteresting post about nothing, brought to you by the letter "k", and i may someday write a book. but it's early and monday and i have too much crap to do, so suck it long and suck it hard.

album of the jour: tenki view of an orbiting man

where i live the voting precinct is really tiny. one of the people working the voting booths today told me there had been over a hundred people that voted thus far (i was 127), which is a good deal considering that about eleven showed up to vote in the democratic primaries (the last vote). take that to mean what you will, but i think people are almost eager to vote against same-sex marriage and this amendment is going to pass very, very easily. very, very sad.

see: gritty fagina two posts down

platelets anyone?

it's official: my office is full of racist bigot bastards. it's a regular good ole boy convention in my boss's office right now, full of white men with big guts and cajun accents talking about "fucking fags" and the "rainbow festival" going on this weekend. i smile to the faces. very good for me that i at least have access to my sane little blog world during the workday. merci buckets all.

i've decided that this year for halloween i am going to dress up as a stem cell. supposedly stem cells are this year's "hot button" issue. i think a stem cell costume would really be slimming and accentuate my rock hard well-toned ankles. i could wear a sign saying "research this!". it would be great to get other people to dress up as nerve cells or liver cells to go trick-or-treating with me in heavily christian neighborhoods.

"and what are you dressed up as little boy?"
"i'm a stem cell ma'am. make with the candy corn and progressive thinking."



album of the jour: french kicks one time bell

illustration of my previous post:

gritty fagina

louisiana is a fucking pitiful excuse for a civilizaztion with a 90% right-brained, no-brained, latenttly homosexual, homophobic, alcoholic, cholesterol-coagulated, short-sighted, bible-brandishing, penis-flapping, tit-flashing-for-plastic (and not amex plastic) , ackwards-bassed, misguided, inane, mambo-number-5, laissez les bon bon rouler you-got-a-purty-mouth head-in-the-sand inbred FUCKS on the planet... this state fucking sucks a fat baby's balls.

so does the country. americans are turning into neo-nazi facist fuck suckers who only respect the bible and money. actually, fuck the bible. just money.

oh please tell me elizabeth how exactly does one suck a fuck?

right now i can drop my pants, piss in your face and tell you it's raining and you will smile. right? i'll have to charge you for it, but i will let you pay me.

and thank god and our lord-saviour jesus christ that i can channel my rage through my brand new ak-47.

remember that south park episode where kyle develops a life-threatening raging hemorrhoid because really great things start happening to cartman?

i want to be swimming in the carribean with animals hiding behind the rocks.