full moon, empty heart

i may become a mormon so that i can marry both neko case and tanya donelly, you know...since my religion (ha!) is the only thing preventing that from happening. neko would make breakfast for me every day while singing a nice folky folgers-commercial-esque morning ease-you-into-waking-up song while tanya goes for a walk to retrieve the paper. she would, of course, have to divorce that guy she's married to at present, but that's easy enough. they could sing to me all day and i could share my opinions of their compositions. our house would have no television; very few electronic devices of any kind, in fact. probably several plants. and indoor hammocks. it would be nice to have six or so random children dancing around and laughing while the music streamed. they would have to leave at my whim though. i could accompany k and t on drums and perhaps get a whimsical set of bongos. i don't know how a bongo set becomes whimsical, but i'm sure my lady loves are privy. kristen hersch, and perhaps kim deal (but not kelly) may stop in now and then just to turn out the jams. that would be beautiful.

album of the day: the new pornographers electric version

a worthy follow-up to mass romantic (which i also highly recommend). songs are infectious, lyrics are ecclectic and the riffs are hyper-catchy.
download the album free!!!

placation

the family is in town this weekend, as i've mentioned earlier, and this evening we went out to dinner. i'm not extremely keen on eating in public, but a free meal is what it is. my mother talked about this book by Jon Krakauer, and i thought the subject matter seemed familiar to me. this is a bit about the book from publisher's weekly:

"After graduating from Emory University in Atlanta in 1992, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless abandoned his possessions, gave his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhiked to Alaska, where he went to live in the wilderness. Four months later, he turned up dead. His diary, letters and two notes found at a remote campsite tell of his desperate effort to survive, apparently stranded by an injury and slowly starving. They also reflect the posturing of a confused young man, raised in affluent Annandale, Va., who self-consciously adopted a Tolstoyan renunciation of wealth and return to nature."

after my mother's synopsis she commented on how ridiculous and crazy this young man must have been (my other fly. members agreeing), and, despite the iminent notions i've had lately of doing something similar to the character in the story (frighteningly similar) i didn't contradict. partly because the conversation would have been pointless, and partly because i was preoccupied with how different i am from my parents. i love them both immensely, yet it's perplexing how i am such an anomaly in the family (as well as in any other group, more or less).

then i thought about how they still go to church every week (catholic naturally) and always try to get me to go with them (when they're in town). of course i won't, but the difficulty lies in what to say when asked why. i'm perfectly clear on my reasons, but revealing my justification to them may evoke doubt in their own beliefs. i would never want to make anyone question what they steadfastly know to be true if it is good for them. i mean who am i right?

none of this makes me very unique--who doesn't think they're completely different from their parents? it's just nice to be able to harmonize without having to familiarize. i'm sure they do it to me as well.

interesting subtext--the whole way home they talked about their favorite cuts of meat, i didn't realize there were so many. wish i would have taped the conversation.


album of the day: marine research sounds from the gulf stream

they aren't together anymore, but this cd is pretty obscure and should be checked out by anyone who likes rilio kiley or the cardigans and the like.

cop-out

name this movie excerpt and win a cookie--

do i have an origianl thought in my head
my bald head
maybe if i were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out
life is short
i need to make the most of it
today is the first day of the rest of my life
i'm a walking cliche
i really need to go to the doctor, have my leg checked,
there's something wrong with one
the dentist called again, i'm way overdue
if i stopped putting things off i would be happier
all i do is sit on my fat ass
if my ass wasn't fat i would be happier
i wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time
like that's fooling anyone
fatass
i should start jogging again
five miles a day
really do it this time
maybe rock climbing
i need to turn my life around
what do i need to do
i need to fall in love
i need to have a girlfriend
i need to read more, improve myself
what if i learned russian or something?
or took up an instrument?
i could speak chinese
i could be the screenwriter who speaks chinese, and plays the oboe
that would be cool
i should get my hair cut short
stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking i have a full head of hair
how pathetic is that
just be real, confident
isn't that what women are attracted to?
men don't have to be attractive
but that's not true, especially these days
almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days
why should i be made to feel i have to apologize for my existence?
maybe it's my brain chemistry
maybe that's what's wrong with me
bad chemistry
all my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses
i need to get help for that
but i'll still be ugly though
nothing's gonna change that.

album of the day: pinback this is a pinback cd

granted, it is one of their older albums, however it is the soundrack of my today. plus it's just an all-around simplistic mood......fest.

cocoon

when i am old i will dip my dentures in beer

i think tomorrow i am going to take example of a fellow blogger and try to re-invent myself. i need to come up with some sort of schematic today, as i'm not sure exactly who i want to be and what part i may play in this crazy world. what is known is that overhaul is necessary. i wish i had enough money to be a kickass philanthropist.

i also wish i had something more interesting to write about for my readers (all both of them), but my life as a hermit really relegates me to musings on my own inner voice(s) and moodiness. also my cat, whom is one of the few points of light in an otherwise dark existence that is my life. although even she isn't really approachable at present since i had to put flea medicine on the back of her neck and it smells like a shoe.

incidentally, i'm toying with this page, and as i am new to html it may be rather cooky (moreso than usual). bear with me (deer without me)

album of the day: the dandy warhols welcome to the monkey house

doom and gloom

harping on the negative in my life gets redundant, but at the moment downsides are very prominent in my days. there was a job i was turned down for that only required a high school education. my parents are in town this weekend and i'm going to have to put on a happy face to avoid useless and annoying conversations. having to feign happiness is the worst. i have no concrete direction right now. all i do is download songs, pick up dishes and feed the cat. that encompasses my entire daily routine. i hardly even look for work anymore. woe is me right? i don't relish feeling sorry for myself, in fact i hate it. sometimes it can't be helped though.

it's thundering outside. i hope it rains hard.

album of the day: nada surf let go

if' you've heard the song popular that they put out in 1996 (class of '96 rules) you probably wrote them off forever, as i did. this album, however, is all-around marvelous. give it a listen.

i wish i was living in the south pacific.

kill your television

there was really nothing on television this evening, but even when there is supposed "quality" entertainment i can't help but think with every flick of the up/down just how inconsequential so much on tv is. i used to rely on the news, but even now all the anchors are either so beautiful i can't remember my own name or they're too indignant with their own opinions (chirs matthews, crossfire, bill o'reilly, et. al). i can hardly find any programming anymore that doesn't require an extreme amount of patience on my part. the weather channel is awfully soothing sometimes.

all that said, i was watching larry king live and his guest was bill maher, who i am a huge fan of. i get this feeling when i watch him or the daily show or left-ish shows of that nature that perhaps all is not so lost as i perceive it to be. at the same time, it's hard to look on the positive side when being bombarded with so many assinine highlights from d.c. it makes me want to stop thinking all together (among many, many, many other things).

leaps

what of taking a blind chance that will more than likely affect the rest of your life. when reviewing your past "accomplishments," and moreover the all-too-prominent indignations, what is the synergy of your life? i think of all the decisions and actions i've made and taken and what their result is, and i would say i'm almost 90 percent utterly dissatisfied with myself. maybe i've seen that navy commercial too many times (not old navy but the u.s. navy, although one can only take so many onslaughts of capri pants and boot-cut something-or-others)(the commercial asking if anyone would read a book about your life). anyway, maybe radical realignment isn't such a bad idea. no more wallowing.

imagination revisited

could i be so gullible as to believe in an imaginary situation in which i am welcome? i thought about my overanalytical mind acting to my detriment, but by the same token couldn't it be overestimating other aspects of my life? i suppose i'll have to be mindful tonight and see if i can pick up on any kind of genuine sentiment.

yuppie

sitting here drinking this raspberry green tea and it tasted too much like some freak fruit punch, which made me feel a bit too barnes-and-noble ish so i switched to mandarin. i don't know why i should care. i even like barnes and noble.

over the past week i honestly believe i've been averaging about 18 hours of sleep a day. not that that's a record for me or anything, it's just noteworthy.

i had sex last weekend, and it wasn't great. it got me to thinking that maybe i'm an asexual person. sure, it's nice to have the closeness every now and then, but when all is said and done i just want to lay down in my bed by myself, stretch out, and fall asleep with the tv on. that inclination, from what i've gathered over the years, isn't very conducive to what most fems like to include in their whole sexual reparte. who knows, maybe i just haven't gotten it from the right person as of yet. frankly miss scarlet i'm starting to not give a damn. this all makes me out to be mr. fraternity q. buttsteak who loves them and leaves them, but really i'm not. i'd rather have every other part of the relationship methos than the sex. if sex were never invented i really think i'd be an entirely different person. i should get a vasectomy and a labotomy on the same weekend. maybe radical reconstructive surgery as well. change my name to dirk manbuscuit.

imagination

i just got done walking 6 miles outside in the sweltering humidity; needless to say i was soaked. it's rather entertaining walking at night in the darkness. sometimes i pretend i'm lou ferigno walking down a lonely road with that theme song playing in the background. that's about as close i'll ever come in my life to conjuring a hulk metaphor.

i should also work on the webs i conjure in my own mind as to why things happen to me, or even if they happen at all. i tend to assume the worst about certain aspects of my inter-personal relationships and it leads to nothing but mental turmoil for me. my weekend was rather horrible, but really it didn't need to be. it was just horrid in my head. at any rate, the vantage point of the positive is something i've always grappled with and will more than likely continue to do, but i should try to be mindful twaaaaaa.

also, i thought it was typical of george w. to be playing golf this morning when a car bomb went off near the hotel housing the u.n. representatives in baghdad. i think he even had to consider whether to cancel his game. gotta love em.

why salinger, why

on saturday nights i sometimes get this odd caulfield-esque feeling that i want to somehow defend people's innocence, although it is not want of protection. the notion that most people are nefarious or profane in some way doesn't sit well with me at such times. i try to regularly remind myself of how the world, just by nature, works in sometimes horrid ways and is how it is. perhaps i just feel that the life i want and the part i would like to play are unattainable. i try to avoid self-pity at all costs, although it's hard to stave off, especially on these evenings when feeling especially omitted from the grand social stage. this is all vague and somewhat jilted and more than likely unrelateable, but so am i.

social hangover

guess debauchery was last night's theme. just some wholesome old-fashioned alcohol-induced viceral carnage and mayhem, which i do require once a week or so. there is a possibility that there will be an encore performance tomorrow night. what an addict i am becoming in my ripe old age.

it's nice that i'm becoming somewhat more satisfied with myself in some ways. i don't know if that is the exact way i would describe it, but it's the best i can do at the moment. language (words) can at times be very limiting. i think it saddens me a little the day after being social, that i have to recoil to my little room in my little world which seems so detached from everything and everyone. saddening and rather frustrating that i can't do much to change my present station in life until i find work. maybe i should start peddling religious tchotchkes on the side of the road next to the watermelon and shrimp stands. but then i'd have to start making religious tchotchkes, and i don't really want to be that guy.

you robotic name-dropper

it irks me somewhat when people whom you don't know very well refer to their friends with first names as if they should mean something to you. as in, "i'm at ben's" or "me and matt are hanging with christy". are they trying to prove that their friends are real people? what possible difference would it make to me what their first names are--to them, it's a guy named chris, but to me it's just "guy". it comes across as such a pre-teen mallrat thing to do. it could be indicative of someone's personality...i'm just not sure what it connotes. i'll have to do some additional rumination. bitch bitch bitch.

shootsie, here's to chaos...

inaugural entry

perhaps out of boredom comes my mind on e-paper. also, my ideas and thoughts really should be available to others--which is a rather moot point, since i don't think any of my small circle of acquaintences would be all that interested (some are illiterate). yes, i think the latter reason sits better with me. my lack of capitalization is deliberate, as are most things i write.

but enough of this self-pity. perhaps i should elaborate on deadgayson first off. "i love my dead gay son" is a wonderful line delivered wonderfully in the classic movie Heathers. i rather enjoy the name, as it is my nick on a few places.

the allegory of the cave

plato, one of socrates' disciples, espouses in "the republic" one of his views in an image of ignorant humanity, trapped in the depths of a cave, mesmerized by shadows dancing on the cave walls and not even aware of its own limited perspective.

the rare individual escapes the limitations of that cave and, through a long, tortuous intellectual journey, discovers a higher realm, a true reality, with a final and almost mystical awareness of goodness as the origin of everything that exists.

such a person is then the best equipped to govern in society, having a knowledge of what is ultimately most worthwhile in life and not just a knowledge of techniques. that person, however, will frequently be misunderstood by those ordinary people back in the cave who haven't shared in the intellectual insight.

plato's cave can be compared to a movie theater, with the projector replacing the fire, the shadows on the cave wall with the projected movie on the screen, and the echo with the loudspeakers behind the screen.

the essential point is that the prisoners in the cave are not seeing reality, but only a representation of it. the importance of the allegory lies in plato's belief that there are invisible truths lying under the apparent surface of things which only the most enlightened can grasp. accustomed to the world of illusion in the cave, the prisoners at first resist enlightenment, and will even attack those attempting to show them truth.