Ailing, illing, but not illin'

I want to drill a hole in my cranium to alleviate the pressure that is causing this headache. Also I'm pretty positive I have a fever and, possibly, the flu. Me need cortisone shot, right in the buttock. Never before have I longed to have my ass pierced and violated -- that's how rotten I feel. I'm not going to work today and depending on what the doc tells me I may not tomorrow. Fuck work. I woke up with night sweats last night and fits of hot and cold. T'aint fun.

If anyone wants to bring me some coffee ice cream I'll metaphorically suck their dick.

On the sunny side my landlord is putting in a new air conditioner for me. which excites me beyond comprehension; I feel like a little schoolgirl. I've always maintained that the greatest invention man or woman ever made was air conditioning. Central air is king, but the window units do the job.

I'm making copies of all my DVD's so I can sell them. If anyone is interested they're $5 each, probably. And while on the topic of high finance I may have to sell my ACL tickets. I'm running very light on the yen lately and need to inject a little Jewiness into my practices.

Mmmmmm that's good anti-semitism...

J. Krishnamurti on love

"Where there is the possibility of pain there is no love The questioner wants to know how he can act freely and without self-repression when he knows his action must hurt those he loves. You know, to love is to be free; both parties are free. Where there is the possibility of pain, where there is the possibility of suffering in love, it is not love, it is merely a subtle form of possession, of acquisitiveness. If you love, really love someone, there is no possibility of giving him pain when you do something that you think is right. It is only when you want that person to do what you desire or he wants you to do what he desires, that there is pain. That is, you like to be possessed; you feel safe, secure, comfortable; though you know that comfort is but transient, you take shelter in that comfort, in that transience. So each struggle for comfort, for encouragement, really but betrays the lack of inward richness; and therefore an action separate, apart from the other individual naturally creates disturbance, pain and suffering; and one individual has to suppress what he really feels in order to adjust himself to the other. In other words, this constant repression, brought about by so-called love, destroys the two individuals. In that love there is no freedom; it is merely a subtle bondage.

Book of Life - July 21st

R.W. Emerson Self-tout

This is an excerpt from the essay Self Reliance by Emerson:

But the man is, as it were, clapped into jail by his consciousness. As soon as he has once acted or spoken with eclat, he is a committed person, watched by the sympathy or the hatred of hundreds, whose affections must now enter into his account. There is no Lethe for this. Ah, that he could pass again into his neutrality! Who can thus avoid all pledges, and having observed, observe again from the same unaffected, unbiased, unbribable, unaffrighted innocence, must always be formidable. He would utter opinions on all passing affairs, which being seen to be not private, but necessary, would sink like darts into the ear of men, and put them in fear.

I've been reading some essays by Emerson, one of my favorite writers to quote. I find myself disagreeing with him in regard to Self-Reliance though.

He writes that our natural instincts should trump opinions and perceptions honed by existence, education, society, culture, etc.; a child's view is superior to that of an adult's since it has not been corrupted by experience.

Perception isn't pure and right simply because it hasn't been influenced by outside factors though. Humans as animals have an innate desire to eat, to fuck, but we don't run willy-nilly over creation stealing and raping to nourish those instincts, because civilization has pre-empted those needs in recognition that we need an ordered societal structure.

Par example: our president -- not exactly an algonquin roundtable nominee. Supporters call him "resolute" for tuning out opinions of the American and world majority and doing what he allegedly believes is right non grata (and in the fantasy bubble world in which he lives, I may cede that he does believe he is right).

But we can't live in fantasy worlds. It's necessary that you formulate beliefs and practices based on something more factual and applicable than instinct (or Biblical passages, but that's a whole other morass to get into). I understand the Ockam's razor notion of simplicity's credence, but even that simplicity is based on proven scientific fact.

Maybe childlike innocence is prefereable in some ways to adults formulating opinions around what they want to believe, not necessarily the truth, such as those that decide what ends they want (usually financial gain) and subsequently facilitate the means in their mind to make said means seem moral and/or logical, ala Bush. But I don't accept that our original humanity is always corrupted by experience.

Ralphie, no air rifle for you this Xmas. It all sounds like a rationale for laissez-faire, thunderdome behavior.

Although I can appreciate the notion of heaving a big helping heaping of "Fuck You" to conformity, so long as it bears reason in mind and isn't some ephemeral rebellion for the sake of rebellion.

Currently Listening To:

The Grates
Gravity Won't Get You High (2006)

Subsiding

Hello all (both of you). I am still alive and blogging, I just mainly do it on my Myspace blog now:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=18410551

It's just more convenient to get blog updates via mail than to have to repeatedly check people's blogs every day to see if they've posted something new.

I'm deliberating coming back to blogger, but for the time-being if you want to read my drivel you'll have to go there. Sincerely I appreciate the interest.

Love and fucks.

Anachronism

Just an arbitrary anachronistic post so that the month of June 2006 realizes that I was alive, AND in New York City for a time. Hoo-rah.

american idle

ours is a culture of anti-intellectualism. craven lunacy airs on television Almighty and we fawn hypnotically; the finale of "american idol" garnered 40 million viewers. how so many can invest so much time in something so pointless and mind-numbingly simian is beyond me. i understand the schadenfreude appeal of watching simon cowell lambaste freaks who gladly suffer slings/arrows of national ridicule because their vanity is more than sated by being on national television at all.

but if we take so much pleasure in suffering -- especially when it happens far away and forces us to sacrifice nothing -- why not pay more attention to reality (NOT tv reality, reality-reality)? mainstream media is crap, but a more shakespearean tragedy there is not. genocide in darfur, slaughtering innocent iraqis sans reason (not that there could ever be a reason to justify it), treating sects of people as sub-standard, soldiers coming home limbless and insane, sodomizing mother nature, running up a $8 trillion credit card bill (translating into each citizen owing $28,000), and all for no reason at all. this is not enough drama for the ADD-addled american public?

i could give people the benefit of the doubt and say we're addicted to the glittzy distraction because ignorance is bliss and reality is a tad TOO harsh, but i don't think we deserve that much credit. intentional ignorance would mean that cognizance exists on some level of what we're ignoring. we've always been too self-involved to give even that first fiddler's fuck about anything but our own meaningless existences of pop culture and endless consumerism and glitter-picture html codes.

why should we care about darky children being murdered on a darky continent with no darky liquid gold under their feet? we don't even KNOW, much less care, about such things. as long as i get my rent payed on time.

i don't know exactly what i'm complaining about since i don't know what possible solutions would be. behavioral problems on such a grand scale aren't easily remedied without extreme motivation (higher gas prices -- good). for a start i'm ditching my cable.

in "seven" kevin spacey (john doe) said, "Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer."

genocide and war and racism and fascism and murder aren't big enough sledgehammers? how extreme does injustce have to get before we stop ignoring. never underestimate the power of denial i guess.

merry christmas!

fox news aryans

bill o'reilly:

"I don't have any respect by and large for the Iraqi people at all. I have no respect for them. I think that they're a prehistoric group..."

"...we cannot intervene in the Muslim world ever again. What we can do is bomb the living daylights out of them, just like we did in the Balkans. Just as we did in the Balkans. Bomb the living daylights out of them. But no more ground troops, no more hearts and minds, ain't going to work."

bill bennet:

"... if you wanted to reduce crime ... if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down."

ann coulter:

"I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East, and sending liberals to Guantanamo."

tony snow (former fox commentator, current white house press secretary), in his first press conference:

SNOW: Having said that, I don’t want to hug the tar baby of trying to comment on the program, the alleged program, the existence of which I can neither confirm nor deny.

QUESTION: What are your personal goals? What do you hope to achieve here? Will you continue to televise these briefings? And would you put into English the phrase (OFF-MIKE) the tarbaby?

SNOW: Well, I believe hug the tarbaby, we could trace that back to American lore.

john gibson:

"[d]o your duty. Make more babies," because he had found out, from a recently released report, that nearly half of all children under the age of five in the United States are minorities. Gibson added: "You knowwhat that means? Twenty-five years and the majority of the population is Hispanic." Gibson later repeated: "To putit bluntly, we need more babies."

la de da de da de-dadedade-da

last night i dreamt i was colin meloy of the decemberists and we were playing a club. la de da de da de-dadedade-da.

has anyone heard the new walkmen album? maybe ive been snorting too much of my own product but it really sucks pole. it made me feel dirty inside.

office depot had 100-packs of blank cd's going 2-for-1 so now i have 200 cd-r's that i'll never use. if anyone wants a cd of anything we can trade for sexual favors and/or gratuitous compliments, at my discretion.

why, oh why, did i go out and drink last night? i hate those fucking all-too-prevalent megadeth-wannabe rage death metal bands. work sucks, ten times so when hungover. plus i have to socialize with the family tonight, and the ENTIRE family tomorrow for the reunion. it's going to be a huge crawfish boil, the smell of which is the most heinous thing in the world to me. i would rather have to impregnate starr jones in front of a live studio audience while she eats a bucket of chicken and repeats "yes i am a lawyer" over and over again.

plus i'm not keen on breaking open a crustacean and eating the insides. i'm not big on the "process" side of food.

but anyway, if i can find a hot female cousin twice-removed i may be in business. if we ever got married would everyone have to sit on the same side of the church? chew on that.

ich bin ayn sun yi

because i love woody allen so much and identify with him in so many ways (i'm a little bit jewish, i'm a little bit rock n' roll...) i am going to name my new kitty: sun yi. also because she's a female i'm living wtih who's about 30 years younger than me. i almost went with "gertrude" in honor of gertrude stein but then remembered i don't particularly like gertrude stein, and was getting her confused with margaret meade (aces baby, ACES).

and on the topic of female writers -- why did i think i liked ayn rand? she was a libertarian egotistical cockblower. i may hug trees but it's better than hugging myself. and doesn't she look like a nazi sympathizer (and mannish)? free market capitalism and fascism aren't that far apart you know, although one is an economic system and the other a political one. but the two are so enmeshed the difference seems negligible.

holy shnikies mel gibson criticized george bush. fuck, if you weren't scared before... his (mel gibson's) new film is called "apocalypto," depicting the fall of the mayan civilizatinon. all these christian jihadists believe in the biblical apocalpyse, the "end of days," and what, i wonder, would they do to see that it comes about? self-fulfilling prophecies? yesssss, it's a good time to fear the god-fearing.

sisyphetic (my word, trademark)

the experience of losing a pet is, i've found, remarkably similar to getting broken up with. you're forced to function thereafter with this damp, heavy weight about you that makes every task -- mundane or otherwise -- that much harder. or like working in that office from "being john malkovich" (why don't i own that dvd?) where the ceiling is about four feet high and "normal" activity is a strain.

everything is painful. you can act a certain way -- bubbly on the phone with the clients, portraying a veneer of normalcy, but true suffering underlies it all. there is NOTHING worse than having to feign happiness when you are eviscerated emotionally.

this has basically been my past few days. i have the new kitten, which has mitigated the pain somewhat, but simultaneously i still feel the very real void. i've barely eaten this weekend. i had plans to go out on friday and saturday but couldn't. i wasn't in any kind of mindset to partake in events of a celebratory nature.

which really surprises me -- under distressing circumstances the sauce is usually a panacea for me. like everything else it just takes time.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong:

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

(one of the saddest parts about our society is that these arguments, before the humorous common sense, are the real reasons why people can't accept gay marriages.)

uber sadness

my cat died last night. i took care of a living thing for a little over a year. i let him outside yesterday evening, which i shouldn't have done since he was raised indoors and very domesticated. but he'd constantly cry to go out and it made me feel bad NOT to let him. the vet said he probably got hit by a car. he couldn't breathe and was coughing up blood despite no superficial wounds. so my cat is gone.

my landlord owns the zoo of acadiana, and apparently people drop off strays there all the time. last night my downstairs neighbor lisa, who is an all-around exceptional individual (especially putting up with me stomping around all the time), called and mentioned to him that my cat died, and he brought over a black/gray kitten. i think it's a girl.

it feels odd getting another pet so quickly, and i wasn't even sure i wanted another one. but there are too many animals, too many ubers, without homes for me to selfishly indulge my sadness and swear off pets because it hurts too much when they die.

a few posts ago i wrote about life existing at extremes. case-in-point: pets. it's torturous when they die, but i don't wish for a second that i never had him. the joy and companionship they bring on a daily basis is more than worth the void they leave in your life. so yeah, i'll get another cat.

and uber, my little jew, my little security deposit, thanks for making my life better. you'll be missed always my friend.

photos

also, if missing my dead pet makes me gay then bring on the cock.

mitigate your emotions, for the love of dog

here's what i want to write about at present: the internalization of relative principles of human interaction and expectations said and implied therein.

it's nothing short of miraculous that anyone has friends, romance, tolerables, acquaintences, pen pals, maids, bosses, jobs, cars, or anything requiring human interaction. our laungauge, moreover our means of communicating, seems so inadequate to facilitate a functioning society. it's no wonder terms such as "the reality-based community" are surfacing nowadays.

we nearly need to be empaths, mind-readers, like that hot counselor from star trek tng. our vernacular can't encompass the entire array of human sentiments, but worse than that is that most people have no clue whatsoever how to even offer up a ballpark amalgom. i.e. it's rare that we get a very accurate impression of what someone is thinking and/or feeling based on verbal communication.

i don't have the best command of the english language, admittedly, but some intangibles are difficult to express and share through words only. we need e.s.p. i love the concept of empathy, when you think of an "empath" you (or at least i) envision someone who can read minds. empathy, by contrast, is essentially taking your own brain -- perceptions, opinions, all of it -- and putting it in someone else's circumstances and life in an effot to understand contextual stimuli behind behavior you may not understand. it's a poor substitute for actual mind-reading, but i guess it's the best we got (those of us unfortunate enough not to be john edward).

communication barriers are the bane of my existence, and i have the feeling the same holds true for the vast hoi polloi, whether they're cognizant of it or not.

and what's worse, above all, is that most people don't even try to communicate overtly and effectively. we're more comfortable with innuendo and second-guessing and dropping subtle hints and interpretation of things that should, by all means, be blatant. no wonder so much violence and divorce and war and drama exists in the world.

shout from the rooftops whatever the fuck is on your mind, whatever your intentions are. be brutally honest. it saves time and pain. fuck the prim and proper ethos of "i shouldn't have to say this for you to understand it" or "it's not you it's me."

lastly i'll offer up a personal safeguard: be stringent with hope. it will bite you in the scrotum if you let it get out of hand. you need to put sort of a maximum on optimism, like a dog with a remote collar that shocks it when it ventures outside a designated perimeter. i realize it sounds very glass-half-empty, but it has some relevant real-life applications and benefits. call it cynical, i call it pre-emptive.

go north, young man (a.k.a. imitation of life)

new yawk! soon you will have my man-stink all over you. i'm apprehensive that it'll be drug that i'll actually get addicted to, having had to suffer in south louisiana and it's frankly LAME music scene the better part of my life. by "better" i mean "majority." my existence here for the most part has been a metaphoric beat-down with a box of tide.

which sounds odd coming off of a festival weekend in which i thoroughly enjoyed myself.

but the whole acadiana cajun culture ethos and it's supposed "joi de vivre" has never worked for me (and i'm not convinced that the portrayed local hospitality isn't just a marketing scam to boost tourism).

i loathe zydeco more than lupus, which i've never had, but would RATHER have than suffer through zydeco. hospitality associated with cajuns is crap. based on my experiences with south louisiana locals i find them to be, largely, retarded and ignorant.

not necessarily is it just a matter of heritage. i've written posts-a-plenty involving nature v. nurture issues (sounds like a supreme court case) and that blaming flaws in your character/behavior on chemical imbalances and mommy not loving you / daddy being a racist only excuse you to a point.

my mother's maiden name was desormeaux. i've spent the vast majority of my existence here (michael stipe and co. would call it an "imitation of life"). i have no accent, i'm not an ignorant redneck racist (unless my self-evaluative acumen is way off), i've never been mud-ridin', i don't hunt/fish (admittedly not exclusive to louisiana), and i think the smell of a crawfish boil is the most heinous experience a person could go through. again, i'd rather have lupus.

the attitudes and shortcomings aren't rampant in necessarily everyone in the area. there are no blanket rules. but there are VERY prominent trends.

point being: i don't belong. at the moment my dilemma with relocating is simply logistical. i say "simply" when it couldn't be more of a complicated and seemingly impossible pain in the posterior.

i have a handful of decent friends here whom i'd miss. but i'd hate to look back on my life down the road and harbor nothing but lament that i did a mellencamp-style born/lived/died in a small town thing.

or maybe i'd be just as miserable anywhere. happiness is supposed to come from within. mine could use some help climbing out though and maybe a change of scenery would do just that.

currently listening to:
rock kills kid
are you nervous (2006)

no... more... festival

no more laissez les blah blah rouler for me. after three days of alcohol (early and often) and trapsing around downtown i am sated with regard to la fetivul internationale.

the frigg show friday got me all nostalgic for the old days (daze). and a little weepy. move back chadwick!

i'm going to nyc in june -- it's entirely possible i will not return.

nap time i guess.

anger mgmt

a supposed coping mechanism for dealing with anger is to write a letter to the source of your ill ease and destroy it. and then all is well? methinks not. the catharsis doesn't come unless you hit that "send" button (or drop it in the box, whatever). would you read the first 3/4 of a james joyce novel? fuck no -- joyce is boring and you wouldn't read word one. the peculiar ducks like me (that's "ducks," with a "D" assholes) understand the comparison though.

i'm just irrationalizing personal knee-jerks. begin fallible sucks. not being able to admit it would suck harder right?

1. You have 10 bucks and need to buy snacks at a gas station, what do you get?
diet dr. pepper, water, copius amounts of red bull

2. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature, what would you be?
giant tortoise

3. Who's your favorite redhead?
neko case

4. What do you order when you're at a pancake house?
garcon, coffee!

5. Last book you read?
"the chocolate war" -- robert cormier

6. Have you made out with anyone on your friend's list?
almost everyone, soon enough everyone.

7. Describe your favorite pair of underwear.
elastic waistband, doesn't inhibit my junk, fits.

8. Describe the last time you were injured.
drunken chacanery

9. Of all your friends, with whom would you want to be stuck in the middle of a jungle?
probably jenny sweden, despite having never met her

10. Are there any odd things that make you feel uncomfortable?
only normal things make me uncomfortable

11. Are there any weird things that turn you on?
a-plenty

12. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?
a giant, gaping vagina

13. Soda?
diet something with caffeine

14. Flavor of pudding?
pistachio (also favorite nut)

15. What type of shirt are you wearing?
puffy

16. Prescription medication?
love the Rx

17. If you could use only one form of transportation for the rest of your life, what would it be?
that giant white flying dog from "the neverending story"

18. How many people are on your friends list?
36

19. How many people on your list do you know in real life?
most.. i guess

20. What are you listening to right now?
johnny cash

21. Most recent movie you've watched:
"capote"

22. Name 3 things you have with you at all times:
watch, throwing stars, guilt

23. Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?
give

24. Name a teacher you had the hots for:
i've never had a hot-for teacher

25. What is a saying that you use a lot?
move that gigantic cotton candy!

27. What is your favorite part of the chicken?
the charisma

28. What's your favorite town?
funkytown

29. Favorite kind of cake?
cup

30. What's the first word that comes to mind right now?
ovule

31. When was the last time you saw your mom in person?
mardi gras

32. What makes you feel like puking?
nausea

33. Who got you to join myspace?
obviously i don't know otherwise i'd be serving time for having murdered them.

34. What did you have for dinner LAST NIGHT?
lean cuisine motherfucker

35. How long have you been at your current job?
2 years in june

36. Is Tom on your friends list?
he deleted me

37. What's the last thing you said out loud?
ubie-doo

38. Look to your left, what do you see?
blake babies poster

39. Who is the last person who spent $100 on you?
me

40. Who's your favorite villain?
michael bay

41. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
borrow clothing? i don't think guys really do that.

42. What's the last piece of clothing you bought?
underwear from goodwill

43. What phrase makes you laugh no matter where, when or how?
"you said you didn't like the grease from fried bacon, so i boiled it."

weapons of mass embroidery

more, more, more... how do you like it

europe is very appealing right now. everything seems so much more efficient, and advanced. americans like everything inordinately BIG. big vehicles, big tits, big guns, big oil, big bombs, big bank accounts, big houses, all to compensate for small penises. europeans, IF they drive, have cars actually called "minis." we name our vehicles after fellatio (the modest "hummer") and abstractions (the ford "focus?" ironic since the moniker renders your visual interpretation of the vehicle nothing but blurry).

our governemtn spends more on big guns and bombs than any other country in the world, nay, in HISTORY. someone please explain to people that a small penis isn't a character flaw -- it's not something you have much control over, and thus shouldn't be delusionally beating or killing people to compensate for. don't bring the rest of us non-aestheticists (invented word) down with you.

what does it say that the phrase "big, swinging dick" is equated to supreme power? and is there something on par concerning vaginas? the big, gaping vagina? doesn't have the same bombast. i blame john "women are things" cassavetes. and of course 9/11. and clinton.

proof that i practice what i preach -- i sold my 30" flat panel monitor in lieu of a 19", which displaces at least half the size. i'm immersed in possession reduction, since they're fleeting anyway, by nature. i'm not going for minimalism necessarily, just a bit of fat-trimming. although i have been listening to alot of philip glass.

also, my left nut for an effective mass transit system in this town. the destitue petrol-dependents out there are probably with me.

cheap trick AND cutting crew: suck it

my headache is massive and i am bored. in truth i think i died, because i've had no communication with anyone today (not you lacey -- you're just dead too) and the internet seems barren.

yes i realize it's contrary to complain about too many calls on one day and the lack thereof on another. also it's puzzling that i develop a headache on a day in which i'm not being bothered at all. maybe i need to be needed.

actually -- i hate being needed but need to be wanted. or i drank too much caffeine.

oooohhhh god, oh geez. i feel an oncoming cd spending spree. whee.

white house approved culture of life letter to media

from the always riotous whitehouse.org:

I Support President Bush on CULTURE OF LIFE!

Dear Pinko Reporter - President Bush asked me to tell you how DISGUSTED us mainstream ultra-evangelicals are with your SICKENING disrespect for human life! He and the Pope are RIGHT about how condom use is immoral interference with life, but plugging drooling zombies into smoothie machines is A-OK. Because even if Terri Schiavo's brain was the size of a marshmallow peep, her eyes were OPEN, and that's PROOF she was THINKING - just like when RONALD REAGAN had NO MEMORY of a criminal conspiracy to sell arms to evildoers. As for ABORTION - the lives of pea-sized womb boogers are WAY more sacred than dumb girls who practically BEG for incestuous rape by dressing like tramps. Besides, everyone knows that parasitic tadpole people deserve PROTECTION - at least until they're born and start begging for pork barrel handouts like education and healthcare, or get convicted by all-white juries for being total retarded minors. So stop QUESTIONING the President's CULTURE OF LIFE, otherwise foreigners think it's OK to be uppity when He wants to bomb Arabiac babies and grandmas who are guilty of terrorism-by-proximity! Sheesh! Read a poster already!