Friday, September 30, 2005

haught or naught

most of you probably know of a web site called hot or not. it lets you browse through random pictures that random people have posted and rate them on a scale of one to ten. it's surprisingly entertaining and something i do occasionally during the late afternoons when i'm at work and bored.

i used to give the hot girls ones and the ugly girls tens, just to even out the self-esteem playing field (because you just know that everyone on this site lives and dies by every single rating they get, especially mine). then i realized that just having your picture on this site makes you a little conceited, so now the ratings i dole out just depend on my mood.

here are some of the more interesting ones and my thoughts:

why? i have to believe that some people post pictures just for giggles. i sincerely hope this is the case. she (and i'm not completely conceding "she") looks like someone who would marry a formerly-gay man who was somehow "saved" by evangelicals. or liza minelli. (1)

(right) ahhh the above-angle-check-out-my-cleavage pic. a good rule of thumb i go by: if the picture reveals beaucoup boobieness, then chances are the subject is overweight. generally, the more abstract the picture (fuzziness, par example), the bigger the person. you aren't fooling anyone chica. (rating of 1)

well aren't you just the bee's knees? you like strangers checking you out in a bikini don't you ? i can actually smell the vanity exuding from this woman. she's got the body to pull it off, but i can't get past the fact that she would post this. i understand being proud of your body, but i do have a problem with showing it off. all you are inherently doing is making yourself feel better by making others feel worse. i dislike pride in general. i gave her a "1" on the hot scale. narcissism is a turn-off.

this one (right) is similar to the previous, only she doesn't really have the body or the fashion sense to pull it off. not that i'm that annoying fashion "guy" from entertainment tonight, but i know ugly when i see it. (rating of 1)

( left) if i went the rest of my life without seeing another dormitory slut dressed up in a playboy bunny costume i would die happy. not "happy" per se because i know the universe won't allow it. let's just say "less annoyed". if there's one thing worse than being conceited it's being conceited without warrant, like the 300-pounders who go on trash tv talk shows in spandex claiming to be "all that". (rating of 1)

look out snoop dogg. speaking for myself, i'd be to afraid to step to this shorty lest she jack my cheddar. i'm glad the ratings are anonymous otherwise this girl would hunt me down and beat me with fists, all the time saying "and what? and what?" for me intimidation has an adverse effect on the level of attraction, so she gets a ( 1) .

(right) i'm all for being unique and expressing yourself in whichever way you see fit, of course. but whaaaaaa? (rating of 1)

(left) do you have party hats in your bra? given the color of that hideous shirt you could lie on your back in the middle of the highway and people would assume there's road construction ahead. see those outfits behind you? any one of them would be preferable to that undersized see-through monstrocity. also get a different wig, stop wasting all your money on cigarettes and casinos, and don't reproduce. (rating of 1)

this girl is perfect. not trying to show off the body, not too much makeup, no crazy effects or camera angles, isn't waifish like an anorexic coked-up kate moss. i love glasses on girls, love brunettes, and she reminds me of lisa loeb. if this girl had a guitar on her lap i may have killed myself. (rating of 10)

GOO! someone let the love child of danny devito and miss crabtree out of her cell! it's not my intention to be a total dick, but i believe that putting your picture up for critique means that you realize that all responses may not be positive (most of these pics are probably fake anyway). or, in this case, may not be positive at all. to rip off "if they mated" from conan o'brien: cameron manheim and a pumpkin, a medicine ball and a schoolteacher, marlon brando and a bucket of fried chicken, a really tall girl and extreme gravity, and chunk from the goonies and compressed air. (rating of 1)

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