Monday, June 13, 2005

jumping off the edge of the hoover dam

in re: self-worth
it's complete dependency on other people's opinions of and acclimations to me upon which my self-esteem is based, anything but my own opinions. cognizance that this is illogical doesn't trump emotion and learned behavior, or instinct.

maybe it's applicable in explaining why people voted for george bush - they're lead around by their gut instincts and feelings, not by intellect (although i could make an overwhelmingly strong case that many people are chronically deficient in the latter).

this is a horrible fact. consider being a loner. my mantra is that i'm independent and completely comfortable with solitude, that i enjoy "me-time" above all else. is this delusional? to exist solely in seclusion, can that sustain a person? maybe thoreau, but i believe eventually the bubble bursts and you're left at the bottom.

this morning i'm pissed. the conglomeration of political forced carpetbagging, the complicit ignorance of the population at large, fear and loathing of my current environment (history as of 2006 - chi-chi here i come), plus a few outrages stemming from my personal life, and i have the penchant to bang my head against something hard and drink drain-o on this glorious of monday mornings.

i'm thinking of dropping xanax and feigning flu symptoms so i can go home. i wouldn't have to feign much, my acting is surpassed by none.

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