Tuesday, March 06, 2007

That Which is Known as Coulter

Contrary to popular opinion about her I do not believe Ann Coulter is a man. Definitely mannish, but not a man. She called John Edwards a faggot, perhaps because she's more of a man than he, and most males on the planet, in which case there are just tons of faggots in Ann Coulter's world.

Is "faggot" the "nigger" of the gay world? It always struck me as a pejorative in popular culture, which I have no doubt Coulter intended it to be.

But anyway, my theories on Ann Coulter:

1. Ever see the South Park episode about metrosexuals and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? She's one of the crab people. Walks like crab, talks like people... Craaaaab people, craaaaab people....

2. Sigourney Weaver somehow conceived a child from a prop in Alien which resulted in the birth of Coulter. Check Sigourney's stomach for the scars resulting from a goo-laden demon baby popping out of her gut.

3. She's really Andy Kauffman.

4. She actually died ten years ago but the same evil forces that got Bush into office twice force her limbs and jaw to move and sounds to spring from her mouth. Those forces don't have enough juice to keep her from decomposing and resembling the crypt-keeper because they're too busy doing that for Dick Cheney.

5. She isn't really the bitch-harpie she portrays while in the spotlight but is merely putting on an at least partial facade for publicity and money. Sure, it's soulless and has a devastatingly draining effect on discourse in this country, but if you look at it strictly from a Gordon Gekko standpoint and dehumanize it (Republicanize it), it's not a dumb idea.

I fault the people who insist on giving her the stage. CNN, FoxNoise, etc. Mitt Romney is the perfect microcosm: you can't continually give someone the microphone one minute then denounce what they say the next. It's like the phrase "with all due respect." You can prefice a statement with it but it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card for whatever you say next.

No comments: