Monday, January 09, 2006

monday? is it monday?

on occasion my personal contacts seem standoffish towards me. this may be actual or a complete fabrication of my mind given its default pessimistic nature. regardless, at such times i go into total recluse mode -- i.e. i make no attempts to communicate with the outside world. it's a semi-scientific method of evaluating my worth to people in my limited personal circle of acquaintences.

it's also somewhat belligerent pride, or prideful belligerence. i refuse to grovel for company and/or validation from people i know (or don't know). they can suck it. or maybe i'm just feigning anger to eschew loneliness and depression

a side effect is that i've actually grown very comfortable with solitude, perhaps to a fault. is talking to yourself in order to have stimulating conversation a harbinger that you maybe spend too much time alone? i don't actually talk to myself (unless you count inner monologue), but mine is essentially the same question.

i'm worried about becoming comfortably numb.

on the other hand friendship is (or should be) a two-way street. i don't think wanting to be met halfway is excessive.

1 comment:

jenny said...

i talk to myself all the time. but maybe not for the mentioned reason.

it is a two-way street, but have you considered that your friends may have similar fabications about the way you act to make them seem standoffish?