Some of these may be plagiarized

I get through the day by pretending most adults are cattle with learning disabilities.

In the context of the animal kingdom, human "intelligence" is the rope with which we hang ourselves. 

An animal that thinks it knows enough is infinitely more dangerous than one that never questions that it knows nothing.

The human capacity for self-awareness is surpassed by its distaste for using it.

Capitalism necessitates greed and fairness.

Physical retardation generally leads to an above-average intellectual acumen and keen perceptiveness.  Mental retardation, especially the mild and undiagnosed, just leads to dumb jocks and business jerks.

It's hard abstaining from smartassery when constantly bombarded with dumbassery.

For my birthday I was sitting on the toilet with all the lights out playing "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago while softly weeping and eating cottage cheese.

Never eat from a restaurant that has "Lucky" in its title.