Wednesday, December 28, 2005

not knockin' the knockers

while streaming an independent radio station at work i heard a version of the buzzcocks' "ever fallen in love" being done by thea gilmore. it freaked me out in a good way.

last night i found myself watching "fear factor" because there were two girl contestants (hot ones -- imagine that) in two-pieces. i was hypnotized, watching them dive into a garbage bin full of garbage (whaaaaa?) and putrid water. after a minute i suddelny thought, "what in dog's name am i doing?" i don't like admitting that i am a creature of instinct. i try desperately to avoid succumbing to my baser animal nature, but it's an uphill battle.

i immediately swore at myself and flipped over to the 'span where barbara boxer was doing an interview. still, i'm ashamed.

and envious. for the females out there, i don't know if you realize the power your boobies wield. i like to pretend that i'm a misanthropic intellectual; i rise above petty human practices and attempt to avoid like grim death the slack-jawed, cro-magnon behavior that so emphatically permeates our society, especially in males.

but fuck, i don't think i can desensitize myself to boobies. i just can't..

but ladies, TAKE ADVANTAGE. i'm starting to understand why so many girls flash cleavage in their profile/various internet pictures/when they go out on weekends. heretofore i just thought it was sluttiness but now i'm wondering if it isn't just an advertising gimmick (it's probably an amalgom) -- shaking what your momma gave you. why else would the men in beer commercials be blue-collar, working class plaid shirt-wearing fat-gut average joes while the women are porn stars in teeny-weeny-bikinis?

sluttiness or opportunism?

maybe i'm lamenting the fact that there isn't a masculine version of cleavage. i guess it's a great equalizer -- historically men have had more rights than women, and continue to, so god, in her infinite glory, endowed women with magic fun bags to keep the men mesmerized and utterly (udderly?) at bay.

when we're born they're our first source of nutrition and from the second we're weened off the breast and onto a bottle we dedicate our lives to getting back to the top of the mountain(s). think about it -- why do men get jobs, buy cars, work out? it's because these serve as bait, while we hope to lure the fairer sex into our confidences and fulfill some sort of suppressed oedipal desire.

i could go to grad school and write a thesis on how civilization as we know it revolves around boobies.

i don't know if that idea makes me feel happy or helpless. forgive me, but fee fi fo fum i love titties..


cotard said...

there's one thesis I'd like to read...

Ian McGibboney said...

Actually, there is a male version of cleavage. But no one wants to see it, unless Dan Aykroyd's doing it for laughs on SNL.

I wasn't breastfed, so there's no Oedipal aspect involved in it for me. It's a guilt-free indulgence!

Phillip said...

ian - i'm not sure if i was breastfed or not. it's not a question i will EVER be comfortable enough to ask of my mother (or father).

jenny said...

but there _is_ a masculine version of cleavage. although it has nothing to do with tits. but as long as you're unaware of it you cannot use it against me. ;)

i think most girls learn about that power as soon as they grow them. but how ever fun it is sometimes to use it, it really sucks not being taken seriously just because they're there.