scammin

today i believe i will take the afternoon off and go scalp fake harry potter tickets in front of my local movieplex. the silly muggles in this town are just dumb enough to buy tickets that are handwritten on post-it notes.

happy friday. i think "friday" is my favorite word in the english language, next to "fuck" of course. if i were ever a guest on "inside the actors studio" with james lilpton my favorite overall word and favorite curse word would be the same. i also like the word "rain". and cars that go boom.

and i can do anything

for the record, iceman has always been my favorite superhero.

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 75% Spider-Man 75% Green Lantern 60% Robin 58% Batman 50% Hulk 45% The Flash 45% Catwoman 40% Supergirl 38% Wonder Woman 28% Iron Man 25%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

happy merry

being that my current job requires that i communicate with various technical support services i am exposed to plenty of elevator music while on hold. today was the first day that i had the privilege of waiting to the sweet sounds of kenny g instrumental xmas carols.

why i hate the holiday season: for the same reason i hate birthdays -- raised expectations. this whole month-and-a-half is supposed to be a magical, happy time full of revelry and generosity, family and friends.

but what happens when it isn't a happy time? if you personally aren't exactly holly-jolly and, like me and many others, experience bouts of random depression, then the lights, decorations, cosbysweaters, songs and xmas trees are daggers. then the increased availability of sweets and junk food compounds the depression by providing additional cyclical self-deprecation means (i.e. we're sad so we eat, so we get sad, so we eat...).

and the music, my god, the music. it's terribly saddening in a nostalgic kind of way. not just the melodies or the lyrics but also the lame attempts by modern artists at putting out their own xmas albums. it angers and depresses me that, let's say, garth brooks puts out albums in the first place, but when he puts out an xmas cd the futility of it is twofold.

so i'm prepping my mind for the dreaded season. i'm in a state of commando-like vigilance, aggressively avoiding holiday harbingers for the sake of my own sanity. i'll take the vacation time, but beyond that xmas is dead to me.

i may join in bill o'reilly's war on christmas though.

get me while you can

the job search is under way. minneapolis here i come. by hell or high water i will be moving there before april of 2006. i'm throwing my hat over the wall, and shaking the dust of this pathetic lafayette society which has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

2005, a.d.

by now the majority of the world knows that "arrested development", my raison d'etre, has been cancelled. you'd think such news would devastate me, but frankly i've been expecting it. i was surprised in the first place that it got a second, much less a third, season out of fox (which sees fit to air such quality programming as "life on a stick", "trading spouses: meet your new mommy", "so you think you can dance", "nanny 911", "the simple life", "andy richter controls the universe", "tru calling", "point pleasant", "method and red", "a minute with stan hooper", "wanda at large", etc.).

if i want to try and look on the bright side i can take solace that the writers of the show didn't get the chance to run out of material and force out extra seasons thereby tarnishing my memories of it (i'm looking at you "friends") . it will always remain my perfect, otherworldly, favorite thing of all time. and not just on tv.

and really, should i expect anything less from this world besides the cancellation of the greatest show ever aired? we're the ones who crucified jesus, for fuck's sake. we destroy everything that's truly good.

pubic hair lies

yesssssss.... george bush lies. someone said to me today "okay, name ONE bush lie". after a moment of silence in which i experienced a w.o.p.p.e.r.-style tic-tac-toe brain meltdown, i came up with this list of quotes off the top of my head:

• mission accomplished
• brownie you're doing a heckuva job
• noone predicted the levees would break
• noone could have imagined them hijacking airplanes
• iraq sought to buy yellowcake uranium from africa
• saddam has denied access to u.n. weapons inspectors
• iraq has weapons of mass destruction
• we know exactly where they are
• freedom is on the march
• we will be welcomed as liberators
• i'm a uniter not a divider
• i released all my national guard records
• social security is in serious and immediate jeopardy
• iraq has aided al qaeda
• cost of his medicare bill
• i'm against nation-building
• the vast majority of my tax cuts go to people at the bottom
• the united states does not torture

if anyone wants to add some more, feel free. it's not hard. just find anything that's ever come out of his mouth.

...with trees and flowers and chirping birds

somebody please give me a reason not to go timothy mcveigh on this fucking town. everything i bear witness to on a daily basis signals that i live among apes. do i think i'm better? yes. and considering how inherently self-deprecating i am and how little respect i have for myself, that says something.

i would prefer living among real apes actually. i want a tarzan vacation. i want the jane goodall experience. go ahead chim-chim, throw a turd at my face. it's better than what goes on here in hte hub (huh) city.

veteran's day

there's a great article in the nation today about "supporting the troops". they make alot of the points i would have made so i won't just plagiarize.

but for a long time i've been ired by the owners of gas-guzzling vehicles who sport american flags or yellow ribbons on their bumpers, or worse, their gas cap doors. it makes my fucking head spin. the irony (or insult, really) of putting a supposed symbol of support right over the very thing soldiers are maimed and dying senselessly for is deplorable.

i'm sure very little, if any, thought goes into affixing some trinket like that to one's car. a person probably figures that such a gesture is useful in dispelling the demons of vietnam-era military shunning. point being, it's probably not something somebody puts a great deal of thought into.

is this sort of blind, ignorant gesture worse than people who HAVE thought about what this war is really about and still choose to back it putting ribbons on cars? maybe i'm thinking too much about this. maybe most of the symbols are from people who only mean to support the men and women in the military and nothing more, with no indicator of backing any agenda at all.

but i'm starting to subconsciously detest those yellow ribbons and, sadly, the american flag. and it has nothing whatsoever with the military. the military is only a tool. i don't hate the gun meant for defense, i hate the people using it unjustly in my name.

nuance? oh you fag.

the fabric of life is complexity. only fools regard anything in absolutes -- this or that, black or white, good or bad, with me or against me. in truth there is no black, there is no white. it's all grey, it's all relative, it's all subjective (and/or maybe objective).

people defending their beliefs about that which has no basis in fact probably do so out of hubris, a childish desire to always be right, financial gain or greed, a hyperactive id, the need to associate with some sort of vengeful dogma (kneejerk bloodlust), or just hatred directed at noone and everyone for no particular reason.

part of me thinks that some regressives (modern republicans) can't possibly believe in the same things that, for instance, the fox "news" pundits claim to believe in. but they go along in order to "win". they want to one-up the other side regardless of the societal implications. it's like sports.

i was thinking about all this in relation to the kansas school board's approval of "intelligent design" being taught as an alternative to evolution in schools. it's ree-god-damn-diculous.

first it shouldn't be referred to as "intelligent design". they should call it what it is -- creationism -- and jettison the paltry attempt at some sort of legitimizing codification. is "creationism" too religious-sounding a word?

(yessssss, let's teach children fairy tales in biology as long as their parents think it's science-based. let's call it intelligent design -- it sounds sophistimicated.)

i'm a member of the orthodox staypuffian faith (we worship the stay-puft marshmallow man). we believe that the world began when the fluffy giant crapped out the earth on top of a cosmic graham cracker and a hershey bar. can i get that taught in science class too?

all religion is theoretic. it's called "faith" for a reason; it's not something that is debatable in the believer's mind. for that person it's black or white, which is fine with me. i wrote earlier about how any person who can be 100 percent sure of something is a lucky individual and their beliefs should be respected, not attacked.

but when such an individual loses that same respect for me and feels that their belief should be forced on me or others i care about, then they will inevitably experience some serious foot-to-scrotum action from the likes of me.

if you don't believe in abortion and think it's murder then don't fucking have one. i don't agree with you, so show me factual evidence pertaining to when life starts and maybe we can reach some semblance of common ground. but until then, it's all speculation (or religion, faith, theory, call it what you will).

apply this to gay marriage, or censorship, or "spreading democracy". people feel the most passionate about social issues (as opposed to economical, which are more soundly based in fact) because many of them hinge on belief systems. this is why you hear terms like "social conservative" and "fiscal conservative".

you may believe in your heart of hearts that you are morally right about something (the origins of history, when life begins, biblical interpretations, whatever) but unless you have facts to support that belief then don't fucking try to convince me that the earth was made in six days.

incidentally, what the fuck is wrong with kansas? first the brown v. board of education thing and now this? we should let them know the earth is round, regardless of when and how it was made.

placation?

occasionally friends will say something to me about something they believe, philosophically or something about themselves, that i know is patently false. but i don't always correct them. i avoid pointing our truths to people that may possibly be hurtful.

as with my parents, who are catholic. there's alot of hypocrisy in the catholic church, as well as in any organized religion, that bothers me (and ultimately estranged me from being christian). but i don't bring these things up to my parents, or anyone with religious beliefs, because they obviously want to believe these things that serve a purpose in their life.

would you tell a five-year old that santa claus isn't real? only if you're a complete dick. ignorance is sometimes bliss and i don't think that pulling wool from eyes is always a good idea.

that having been said, it's hard not to call a spade a spade. someone will say to me "i'm not a blank" when it's blatantly obvious that he or she could not be more of a blank.

the inability to recognize fault in yourself and overcome denial is another hobgoblin of little minds. always be in a state of self-evalutation.

the art of apathy

you start training yourself not to care about something after you first get your heart broken (at least i did). you made a wager and lost, so you learn that the only way to avoid losing is to avoid playing. i don't think it's possible to have complete control over what you invest your emotions in though. it's one of those asymptotic things where you can get closer and closer to not caring, with practice, but ultimately you can't eviscerate unconscious desire.

would it be a good idea anyway? is sustained mediocrity and numbness preferable to occasional bouts of pleasure or suffering? those "bouts" aren't even random. it's like playing the stock market, you don't just bet on red or black and hope to luck out -- you mitigate your chances of losing by making educated choices.

i.e. you learn at what point it is acceptable to trust someone, or what being a fan of some sports team may cost you (i broke up with the saints many years ago -- the team with "can't win, don't try" as its motto).

caring (or choosing when and when not to care) is probably one of those inherent aspects of humanity that isn't meant to be completely under our control. if you thought about why you were in love with someone wouldn't any answer you give only be a partial one? there's an intangibility to it that can't be consciously recognized, much less controlled.

also, the fact that you have to TRY not to care arbitrarily means that you do, which really annoys me.

you can tie everything back to a biological need to survive if you think about it enough.

eat me societal stigmas

drugs are good, mmkay. if you can evade addiction before it interferes with your life's necessary responsibilities (work) then it's beautiful.

most people can't afford to vacation in the south of france or spend a weekend at a five-star b/b getting mudbaths and massages from asian women. what is relatively affordable, though, is a quarter bag. or a pack of cigarettes, or beer, or whatever else (say, if you're wily enough to con your shrink into perscribing enough xanax to bring down an elephant).

is it morally wrong to want to escape the drudgery of american life? i want the freedom to attain happiness, not just pursue it. if i need a little chemical assistance from time to time then so be it. i don't apologize.

legality and morality are far from interdepedent -- often they're mutually exclusive. if i'm supposed to feel guilty about imbibing in one particular chemical (caffeine is a chemical too, for the hypocrites) if it makes my mundane life a little more tolerable and doesn't hurt anyone, then i guess i'm just a bad person. i'll live with it.

after reading jane's post i wanted to add something.

people harp on the detrimental aspects of abusing substances on a person's health, that regularly partaking in such things shortens yoru life.

but why the obsession with quantity? would you rather live to be 100 and never have experienced happniess (in whatever form) or die at 30 having enjoyed the fuck out of your short time?

i would be the person that gets cancer and refuses chemotherapy. i'd rather have another good month than six spent in agony.

composite

for those of you not plugged into myspace, i'm just going to post on here the shit (and it is total shit) i've written on there. testicles. that is all.

scattered asshole theory

humans are only animals trying to survive. we are therefore selfish. greed ("want") leads to sadness, jealousy, anger, and all negative human emotions. it's a buddhist principle that you free yourself of want to attain self-actualization (which is nearly impossible from what i understand).

what seperates us from other animals i think is our ability to 1.) empathize and 2.) be self-aware. but just because we have these abilities does not mean that all people hone them into effective practices.

why do some choose to recognize these behaviors and others don't? who knows. chemical makeup, i.q., abusive childhood, the receptiveness to our individual ids, nature v. nurture, an infinite number of variables.

i always say empathy and self-awareness are next to godliness. truly empathetic people never consider themselves better or worse than anyone else because they recognize the randomness of biology and environment (chaos theory, on and on); that it's not necessarily someone's fault for being the way they are.

that having been said, i don't think anyone appreciates being treated like shit, regardless of their levels of understanding or empathy.

people attack others for whatever choices they've made or some other issue du-jour because they are insecure about their own beliefs on the subject. it's the way that homophobics are probably homosexuals -- methinks thou doth protest too much...

those who raise their voice or yell while trying to convince you of something do so because the facts that back them up are faulty or non-existent, and they know it. there's some cliche that says you can always tell who loses an argument by the first person to call the other a name -- they can't validly attack the message so they attack the messenger.

intelligent discourse is healthy and frankly a necessity in civilization, but it rarely happens. it's been turned into shouting matches on television between selfish people trying to advance their own careers instead of any idea. not respecting another point of view, or choice, and being an asshole is a sign of weakness and insecurity. i just watched "revenge of the sith" this afternoon (not that i'm a star wars fan AT ALL, but i had it at work, no boss... what would you do) and it occurred to me that, as powerful and gifted as the darth vader guy/kid was in regards to the force and all of that sci-fi whoosifuzz, he showed great immaturity in controlling his own emotions. he had not the ability (easy now, yoda) to recognize the greater good and submitted to his own greed. what good is any talent or resource if you don't have the sensibility to operate within a utilitarian society of equals? it's intellectual fallibility.

"good" and "evil" are relative terms but their meanings differentiate them in the vast majority of instances. for example, we can all agree that murder and stealing are more evil than good, but occasionally you get the robin hoods or new orleans victims stealing food for their children, but the instances are rare.

my treatment for dealing with the assholes of the world: don't let them bother you, or rather try not to let them bother you. i know, always easier said than done. it's hard to control what other people say or do. it's much easier to just control and condition our own reactions to what others say or do.

reciprocity

for the time-being i'm going to be writing on my myspace blog instead of here. i feel like a chode (is that even a word? damn you beavis!) posting the same worthless shit in two seperate places when it barely deserves to be on one.

ways to earn money working for yourself

• day trader
• loan shark
• sports gambling
• shoplifting
• pyramid scheme
• take surveys online!
• sealing envelopes
• prostitute
• children's daycare (need pediasure)
• elderly daycare (need regular ensure)
• grow/sell pot in closet
• sell black market babies
• donate bodily fluids (my precious bodily fluids)
• learn to knit, sell knitting
• secret shopper
• unlicensed discount surgeon

harbinger of an ill-fitting profession

i was brainstorming subjects that interest me enough to write articles about and it took me 16 ideas before my current profession (IT, i guess) made the list. i'm sitting here just spitballing, randomly thinking of what entertains me or what may interest me, and my own fucking job never entered my mind. I'M AT MY JOB RIGHT NOW and it never dawned on me that this, THIS, is something i'm interested in.

the emphasis in my life needs to slowly (or abruptly) begin shifting towards quality, simply put. take your own advice and do what you love, you stupid fuck.

i'm a lazy fucknad. for reasons unbeknownst to me i experience great difficulty forcing myself to change. and i'm not at all averse to change, or afraid of it. quite the contrary. i'm just inherently lazy.

all i want is to set my own hours and not have to leave the house. who wants to sponsor me? reebok? centennial? wal-mart (probably not considering all the wal-mart bashing i do)?

i'm not supposed to be this, nick-burns-your-company's-computer-guy, i'm supposed to be hunter s. thompson. i want to be hunter s. thompson.

masturkatie

is it wrong that i want to see katie couric in one of those interracial pornographic-type films? i can't explain exactly why. maybe because she's one of the first things i see in the morning? gentlemen, we know how things are when we first wake up... or maybe that's just me. mostly i believe it's because i'd like to see her debased down to the level of a mere animal, since the questions she asks in interviews are about as hard-hitting as (insert ike turner simile here) and i hate placating, softball-lobbing "journalists". porn's the only thing these types are good for. plus it's never going to happen and sexily out of context.

die 2K

with 2,000 american soldiers now killed in iraq i have to ponder (yet again) what the fiddly fuck we are doing there. what's the mission we're trying to accomplish?

kool-aid suckers say we have to "finish the mission" in order to honor the troops already dead. first of all, noone can say what that mission is. establish a democracy? spread freedom? should freedom be something that has to be forced on a society?

second, people want to honor the dead by killing more? our presence in iraq (and the middle east in general) is only counter-productive to that country forming its own government, let alone a democracy.

in my view iraq can't be a democracy. the country is split threefold between the kurds, shiites and sunnis, none of which will be able to coexist peacefully if they feel under-represented in the new government and constitution. iraq will either split into three different countries or remain in a state of perpetual civil war.

is it a civil war now? i would say no; it seems more that the insurgent attacks are still directed mainly at the american presence and iraqis trying to support the americans. the goal is probably to maintain the disorder and violence until enough popular sentiment in the u.s. and around the world forces our government to withdraw.

hillary clinton said that we should send more forces there. i like hillary, but that's insane. it's all just a little bit of history repeating. you'll never kill an idea by just killing insurgents.

moving the cheese

i perpetually revise my blogroll. it's nothing personal if i remove you from it, i just like change. you read one blog for a while and eventually you may lose interest (or not, depending). i certainly understand it when people get bored with me -- i got bored with myself in 1989. frankly i don't even know whose blogrolls i may or may not be on, so i definitely don't care when i get the boot.

point being, don't take it personally. i love you all. except you phillip, you're an arse.