the opulent shall inherit the earth

george bush and his neo-conservative death cult fully intend to drive the lower- to lower-middle class into utter poverty. it's no longer a war on poverty - it's a war on the impoverished.

i know it's not glamorous or sexy, but i need to get some political ballast off my head.

in.re. the new white house budget: the thrust is this - he's proposing major cuts in discretionary spending - environment, health care, education, veterans' benefits, justice, agriculture, and income security. i guess these are all things that don't produce cool explosions or increase our petroleum resources, so he's going to fuck 'em over texas-style.

the cuts range from 11% to 23% through the end of the decade. these. are. huge.

in.re. social security: he wants to dismantle it. it's been the most successful program the u.s. government has ever created, and he wants to mangle it, because it would line the pockets of wall street brokerage houses and screw retired, disabled, and poverty-stricken people.

you know how he keeps saying that the social security amounts taken out of our paychecks would be better used if given to us? well what he is proposing does not give us that money. all that would change is that we will have the option of investing it in stocks chosen by the administration. so instead of earning a steady rate on it (in government bonds), we allow our government to go ahead and invest (GAMBLE) our money in the stock market.

i wonder how much money wall street lobbyists would throw at the administration to be amongst those brokerages used?

in.re. tort reform: the president has said that we need a $250,000 cap on lawsuits brought against large corporations, claiming that these "frivolous" suits are unjust, and corporations are suffering unduly.

these lawsuits are the only method we, the consumers, have to hold companies accountable for endangering the public. think about all the drug companies (example: vioxx - made by merck, ephedra, etc.) that put products on the market that are unsafe for human consumption. would a quarter-million dollar fine here and there dissuade billion-dollar corporations from doing anything? and what about the person who died from taking their drug? is $250K ample compensation for the family?

if you don't already know about it, also read about the ford pinto.

in.re. homeland security: that color-coded alert system is a real winner. cargo coming in through seaports isn't screened, nor are cargo-holds of international flights. we sure have jailed alot of muslims though. thank you patriot act.

in.re. terrorism: it is widely-agreed upon by the "reality-based" community that our actions in the middle-east have actually created more terrorists than we eliminated. but on the sunny side, we did capture and torture lots of iraqi car theives and shepherds for some valuable information i'm sure.

who was president on september 11? i forget.

it completely dumbfounds me that so many people voted for this COMPLETE BRAYING JACKASS. it's such a tragic commentary on the unbelievable gullibility of some (or alot of, evidently) americans who can't see that gay marriage never had nor ever will have ANY IMPACT ON THEIR LIVES.

when married couples argue at night before they go to bed, do you think the reasons are more likely financial in nature, or the fact that doug and doug next door want to get married?

well, go ahead georgie. cut funding for my medicaid and child's education and ass-fuck the environment and tell corporations that it's okay for them to kill me and cut veterans' benefits so you can give tax cuts to your top 1% friends. you have my blessing. just don't let gay people get married. that would ruin me.

just remember georgie, we all float. and when you're down here, you'll float too...

emily "quoth the raven never" gil "more"

i can't really call the grandmother gilmore a dirty, dirty tramp, which is usually the first thing that escapes my lips when expressing displeasure at someone's behavior. but i do hope lorelai completely disowns her. actually, fuck that. i hope she goes menendez on that hag's ass.

and a heaping helping of crunchy crap christopher's way as well. i understand the loneliness - but dude, at least stay away from the alcohol. even i know never to get drunk in mixed company when you're backstroking in a sesspool of emotions. although the phrase "open bar" has made stronger men stupid.

---

i survived the tuesday of fat relatively unscathed (actually i didn't - i'm writing this from beyond the grave). i'm going to have to buy more rounds for my gatling gun (lovingly referred to as "the bringo"), which don't come cheap. i get them on the black market from a guy with four fingers named lickspat. i should be well-stocked by mardi gras next year.

plastic-loving summamabitches.

"dandy warhols come down" track # 7

phizz would you like a day off of work? always. don't you hate people who ask themselves questions aloud and then answer them? yes, yes. so.....? i'll be head-butting the bathroom sink very hard when i'm done writing.

the rub, again, is that i live in the middle of mardi gras revelry central. i.e. i'm right by the end of the parade route, amidst the seedy bars people frequent all the live-long day. the big thing to do is just walk around the streets yelling, steal beers from people's ice chests, and drink lots of hurricanes.

so i'm treating this like an actual hurricane. i've nailed plywood around all my windows, taken in any of my belongings that were outside, and loaded my sawed-off in case the plywood fails. i'm going to go american dad on their asses.

i'm sporting my indoor camouflage (pajama pants and t-shirt - i blend right in), painted half of my face powder blue, the other half white (freedom!), and injected a homemade cocktail of amphetamines and ovaltine into my bloodstream.

the sex pistols pumping heavily on surround-sound. continuous loop.

this is my y2k. let's dance.

i, television

i left a super sexy audio post yesterday that blogger kidnapped. fucking blogger.

i watched a summerland marathon on the wb last night - there wasn't much else on. summerland is entertaiing, but toooooo..... summery. beautiful surf people who don't seem to have jobs or go to school, lots of beach-related activities, and aunt becky (i wouldn't say no to being uncle becky, by the way).

i noticed an ad for another law & order. they're certainly milking that one for all it's worth.

i don't see why the commercials during the superbowl are supposedly crafted better than average commercials. can't the ad wizards (who came up with that one?) make stellar commercials all the time?

i love american dad. cartoons make me happy. how can you not like a talking sex-crazed fish with a german accent? ja? nein?

i'm a reasonable man get off my case

i'm perturbed they killed off alicia. despite her fondness for the love-knife, she and i shared a love that was pure as the driven snow. fantasy romance is the only thing i have nowadays - why must you take that away from me wb, why? now what am i supposed to do - just go back to pretending i like lana cocktease? why don't you just make my life perfect and throw chloe off a cliff? how am i supposed to find another teleporting girl to fall in love with? huh? you heartless fucktards.

next thing you know rory will get raped and develop malaria while the inn burns down and luke gets slapped by o.s.h.a. because lane got hit in the face with a hot frying pan and sookie goes all mama-cass while choking on one of her husband's organically-grown tomatoes.

this is why i hate tv. it's much easier to fall in love with fictional characters than real ones. my emotions are now controlled by hollywood writers.

the foozeball agenda

on sunday:

• sleep off hangover
• calisthenics and mild masturbation
• make punch bowl full of bean dip, eat with spoon
• cook anything that had parents, serve in a bucket
• order sandwich measured in feet
• smear brightly-colored face paint on... i guess my face
• drink miller lite - dream about twins (but not conjoined, bunny)
• stay vigilant during halftime for boobies
• buy mannequin to high-five at random times during game
• rent and watch mannequin - wish mine would come to life and love me
• watch football game on the television machine
• scream "fuck" precisely on the hour and half-hour
• five minutes after "fuck", yell "woo"
• when game ends, run outside spraying beer on self, act jubilant, rub nipples
• back inside, see if pbs is re-running reading rainbow or newshour with jim lehrer
• hot toddy, say prayers, go to bed

in all (some) seriousness, i want philadelphia to win because rush limbaugh said once that donovan mcnabb was overrated by the media because he was black. also i like chunky soup.

just a good drinker

i didn't watch the s.o.t.u address - i can't get that drunk on a weeknight when i have to work the next day. plus i didn't have enough time after work yesterday to get drunk enough to be able to sit through all the jive. turkey.

i want to start smoking cloves and researching evolution. why was george bush born prematurely? why do i have nipples? how do i get my hands on more?

how disgusting.

my mother is visiting me this weekend so i have to clean the house. it's not dirty, just unkempt. there's no food in the house at all, much less lying around on the counter or tv or anything. just clothes everywhere.

it's been such an emotionally devoid yet somehow draining week, even for me. should i be social this weekend? should i be social.

oh, does anyone think that they're less interested in the super bowl than i? and also, since the bible says that touching the skin of a dead pig is a sin (right after it says homosexuality is a sin) does that mean that football is evil?

don't want to be holden

the following is not, in any way, meant to be an attack on women or the women's movement. i love women.

before 1960 or so, sexual promiscuity accompanied with it a scarlet letter and was more or less unheard of. then came the female empowerment revolution of the sixties/seventies - women going to work, burning bras, growing body hair, roe v. wade, etcetera. and sex became more of a "do-it-if-it-feels-good" thing. and so it remains, to say the least.

i looked up some info about voting rights. black males had the constitutional right to vote 50 years before all women did. the 15th amendment was passed right after the civil war (1870), giving black males the vote. some states put restrictions on black voting (poll taxes, literacy tests, grandfather clauses), but people formerly considered property had the right to vote before women did.

wyoming (of all places) was the first state to allow women the right in 1890, and some other states followed suit during the years up to 1920, when the u.s. constitution was finally ameneded (19th) to give all women the right to vote.

so it's apparent that women have had it rougher than men for a long time, in many ways. that's nothing new.

but the pendulum always swings, and i think that right now sex is a good indicator. it's no secret that women and men "saving themselves" for marriage are increasingly in the minority. one-night stands, pity sex, fuck buddies, paris hilton, prostitution (admittedly nothing new), a "drunken mistake" (my nickname in college), porn, and various amalgamations thereof are relatively recent terms in historical vernacular.

it's like catholic school girls graduating and then fucking everything in sight after years of plaid skirts, knee-socks, and pent-up frustration. they go straight from "hail mary" to "bloody mary".

sidebar - i'm saying all this independently of men's actions over the years. we have always been domineering pigs who think with our dicks and harbor gender double-standards, more or less. i don't think that changes much.

but for a long time sex was always associated with love, or at least marriage or commitment of some kind. and now nothing could be further from the truth.

my own problem is this - as progressive an individual i am and as liberal my thought processes are, for some reason i have a hard time seperating sex and love. when i'm aware of two people i know, or know of, having sex, there's a part of me that recoils, knowing that no feelings whatsoever exist between the two. or three. or sometimes six.

and when i say "love" i mean emotional love. not "love for the vagina" or "love of dick". person-to-person love. and how often is that actually involved in sex acts these days? fifty percent maybe? it can't be much.

so are we on our way to sexual intercourse having nothing at all to do with emotional attachment? how would someone acclimatize themselves to that idea when they've grown up in a religious household and been told all their lives that it should mean something? a "brave new world" was always passed off as fiction, but how far away from that painted future are we?

in all seriousness, i have this caulfieldian insanity in me that wants to protect innocence in people (girls), and it aggravates the ever-loving FUCK out of me. like when i see dancing at the club which is essentially sex-mimicking, or scant clothing, or mardi gras, or wet t-shirt contests, or girls gone wild, or anything on the e! channel and mtv.

even porn - mentally i try to completely objectify the women to make myself realize that sex is completely independent of love. but some small part of me always winces.

none of this is conscious - i don't see such activity and adopt this judeo-christian "look-at-the-babylon-whore" type of thing. i don't judge. i just can't seem to completely desensitize myself to the way our society seems to be moving.

and it leads to alot of depression and sadness, which is why i'm trying to change.

is that maybe bad, that i'm trying to coalesce so? should my goal be to objectify women to avoid getting hurt? what happens to manners and respect and courtesty if that happens? quoting dave chappelle, again (you should check out his hbo special if you've never seen it - great stuff):

women say that chivalry is dead and that men aren't gentlemen no more.'... Well, chivalry IS dead.. and women killed it.

again, this is not meant to lambaste women at all. if i were homosexual or a woman i'd probably feel the same way, only the impetus would be male behavior.

i'm just trying to express my disappointment with the "progress" our society makes in some respects. also that my brain is totally fucked up and that it takes very little to send me spiraling into depression and self-loathing.

life in the seventh level

it just struck me that mardi gras is next week. i'm terrified. i can already sense my eyeballs starting to bleed. i hate crowds, i hate stupid drunk people (including myself), i hate crowds of stupid drunk people, i hate watching whores (that's right - WHORES!) flash body parts for fake plastic jewelry made in malaysia by ten-year-olds, i hate cajun music, and i hate watching people having fun while i'm miserable.

"but i'm not a whore! i just like to have a good time." okay, if you offer up sexual favors of any kind in the hopes of getting something in return (especially something so cheap and useless), you are a whore. but jesus loves you.

this is just another bad stretch of the year. first mardi gras, then v.d., and then easter (when the ghost of peter rabbit rises from the grave to feast on the cabbage of the living). and then the ides of march. i may as well go drink brake fluid and eat vioxx.

thanks pfizer.

didn't we just get done with one holiday season? and now another? for fuck's sake.

and please, skip the valentine's day stories. or don't ask why when you drop off my blogroll and you never hear from me again. if those sound like positives, then by all means write something really saccharine that makes you feel better and the rest of us worse.

see: goddamned pink

in. re. right now

usually i answer the monday morning question "how was your weekend" with a pacifying "fine, how was yours". but i'm not going to do that anymore. i've realized that my weekends inherently suck. it's time to hold my weekends and my weekend self to higher standards.

staying in my cave with the blinds drawn, fan on, hiding under my duvet and spending 80% of the two days in a drug-induced slumber is not a good way to consistently ride out the weekend.

that other 20%, incidentally, usually involves drinking and the late-night drunk-dialing of obscure friends (acquaintances, really) and family. i'm really starting to loathe the "dialed numbers" feature of my phone. it's not bad enough that i make the calls, now i have to have it on record? fakakta.

but this isn't normal, and probably isn't healthy. it does little for my social and sex life and even less for my ever-teetering-on-the-brink-of-being-non-existent self-esteem. i don't know what the alternative is, but the point is that i should start looking. i guess. whatever. insert other generic gen-x phrase here.

you think you have a headache

it's rainy and dreary and cold outside and i couldn't be happier. seriously. i love bad weather, especially when i don't have to be walking to class in it.

yesterday the wonderful avatar wrote about the ills of men behaving badly in rituals of courtship and inter-gender relations. it's inspired me to opine on the very similar habits of the fairer sex, whom i don't think monopolize the market on dating etiquette.

so, just a few irritating points about girl-behavior:

• when a female feels compelled to awkwardly interject into the conversation that she has a boyfriend and/or husband to dissuade me from flirting with her when i have no intention of flirting. example: at the chiropractor last week the receptionist girl was hooking me up to this massage chair, and warned that it would work my calves as well, because "that freaks my husband out". (side note - is anyone freaked out by something touching their calves? i could understand eyeballs or teeth maybe, but calves?). don't flatter yourself pumpkin - me wincing and complaining about back pain is not flirting. neither is my asking about the level of electricity being shot into my back by that machine (apparently her husband likes electricity).
• men do not corner the market on "playing games". i have never known of or beheld a man dramatizing a situation for no apparent reason. i've known females who do it all the time. don't make shit more difficult than it has to be because you want attention. life isn't kindergarten.
• if you want men to stop treating you badly then stop going for the guys who are asshoies. if you want to date abusive dickshits because somewhere in your subconscious you like being treated badly, that's fine. but don't complain about all men being assholes when you're secretly motivating them to be so.
• if a guy isn't great in the sack, then for the love of deity say something. the female genitalia are a veritable rubik's cube, and not everyone watches at least an hour or more of porn everyday when i get home from work.

and if you want to please your man just do as dave chappelle says: "suck his dick, make him a sandwich, play with his balls and just don't talk so much".

borrowing another line, from the movie clerks: i'm not making broad generalizations, i'm making generalizations about broads.

autre television fallacy

i'm a big fan of smallville on the wb, but my how those kids (those damn kids!) do not look like high-schoolers.

remember 90210 during the fifth or sixth season? they were seniors for about the third year in a row and dylan was balding, brenda had hot flashes and jason priestly was collecting social security.

the only teen tv show i've ever seen that was believable in depicting high school was my so-called life. although it's been so long since i've watched it that maybe my substance-abused memory is lying to me.

i had a girlfriend in high school who kinda looked like claire danes. i think she joined the marines, got married and crapped out kids.

smallville is great and entertaining, but mostly i want to see how long they can pass clark kent off as a teenager.

and holy crap sarah carter is hot! i think i'm heartbroken that i can't see her on television 24 hours a day. seriously.

this is an actual headline from cnn:

Astronauts stretch legs, install arm, find goo

i miss dangerous otc stuff

remember metabolife? wasn't it awesome? i could take two and sustain consciousness during a night of heavy drinking for a few extra hours. it was like legal cocaine. cut it up, snort it, cook it in a spoon, free-base... it makes me lament regular nights of heavy drinking (but not that much).

i never actually tried to use it for weight loss. at that time i was in college and ran up credit card debt paying bills, and spent every cent of disposable income i had buying alcohol. the sign of a true juice junkie - you buy vodka before food. priorities. anyway, it wasn't a lifestyle conducive to obesity so i used the diet pills as supplements to partying.

whatever, i don't care, we all die

today is officially the most depressing day of the year. i would have thought last week's inaugural thursday would have won.

on saturday night my friend r was so fucked up that he urinated in my bathroom sink (mental note: buy new toothbrush, toothpaste, hand soap, razor, deodorant, faucet fixtures, bathroom sink). friend r is an odd fellow, and brought back to my apartment from downtown ("out") a homeless person. that's right, a homeless person. i gave him a $20 to leave. i was drunk and stoned and stupid.

and my saturday was shaping up so well. i had an xsnacks buzz during the afternoon, i was lounging outside enjoying the overcast weather, smoking my menthols, sucking down my beloved tanqueray. and then all the weirdness.

and listen to the injustice of this. my friend j who lives in new york city met thurston moore and kim gordon at a bar saturday night. god my life sucks taint! i'm bribing homeless people to leave my home (my home! where i sleep and play with toys) and my friend is small-talking with thurston moore at a bar.

cherish these moments phizz. these truly are your wonder years (sans a winnie cooper... oh danica, when will you answer my calls and emails?).

accidental tv exposure

spending the night at my aunt's last night (to do laundry and visit mister kitty) i had little recourse but to channel-surf.

here's my not-necessarily original unified theory of network television: get young(ish), or at least unrealitically attractive and skinny, people, dress them up in lots of colors and metallic things and denim and anything passable as trendy, get them to spout scripted bad jokes, use lots of segue material in dramas (ala "oh my god!" or "call security!" or "nooooooooooo!"), sexual innuendo as far as the now powell-free fcc will allow you to use, and appeal to the dumbs. you make them feel like they understand and you make smart people feel smarter (although they probably aren't truly smart if they're watching in the first place). then call it "must-see".

time to have a cocktail or two or twelve. i just made a bunch of ice cubes.

also i bought my guitar yesterday. i know all the notes and a few chords, and my fingers hurt. rock on. now i just have to learn to worship the devil like jenna.

random thoughts, or what i like to call "talking poitns"

it's about enough with the inauguration, but some random thoughts:

• i would absolutely violate the bush twins' sexuality if given the opportunity.
• lord, deliver us from the perception of evil...
• be a republican first, american second (or third, or not at all)
• somehow we will war it up with iran, despite the lack of troops
• the right is probably going to get fucked in the mid-terms, because of the social security thing
• "freedom" and "liberty" are only punch lines
• tyranny is the new terror (mentioned 5 times in speech)
• iraq was not mentioned once
• god bless protesters
• laura bush always looks like she's on percocet. she may be a cyborg.
• we'll continue to feel very smart for the next four years just by keeping up with politics

send in the clowns

this first picture is haunting and ominous if you look at it for a minute. did anyone notice all the black clothing people were wearing in the photos from the inauguration? i realize it was cold and alot of overcoats are black, but it seemed odd. if i were a foreign country i'd feel pretty intimidated.

fuck your yankee blue jeans

i'm hearing "four more years of hell", but i have to say that the second term is going to be great. i mean, what better than to be white and male in america right now? and i'm employed with health insurance and don't have to worry about social security for another fifty years (who cares about the future) and i'm ineligible for the forthcoming draft and i'm going to incorporate myself so i'll be getting MAD bonuses and tax breaks.

and when i think about it, i never really liked alaskan caribou or free speech or breathable air or non-radioactive nevada or objectivity or mercury-free fish or full disclosure or bruce springsteen or factory tours or the aclu or black people or abortions (my murderer girlfriends liked them though) or judaism or evolution or museums or homosexuals or spongebob (supposedly gay) or not being christian or foreigners or art or premarital sex or anal sex or oral sex or inter-species sex or loosely-defined sex or dan rather.

i'm going to rustle up some velveeta now and make rattlesnake nachos.

my neck, my back

i heard on the radio that jenna bush was denied a teaching position at some school because the "no child left behind" program's requirements deemed her unqualified. what funnnnn.

in other ironic inaugural bits: a country band called asleep at the wheel is playing at the festivities.

the reason i've been reticent in bloggyworld the last couple of days is that my back has totally abandoned all functionality and i've been home in bed. apparently working in front of the computer eight hours a day plus whatever time i'm on it at home isn't good for the lower lumbar. so i've been in severe pain for two days. only moderate pain now.

i saw a chiropractor and he beat on my back a bit. i don't know if it's working or not. if it doesn't go completely away in a couple of days i'm just going to go to my gp and get some pain killers or muscle relaxers, which i would have done initially had i thought of it. god bless drugs.

metamorphosomething

in one seinfeld episode george complains about going from having orgasms like *that, to taking forever to get an orgasm. he never had a nice, medium orgasm.

coming home from work yesterday my street was lined with vehicles. the house across from me was having a large party, i surmise in celebration of martin luther king day. i only say that because they were playing a traditional martin luther king day anthem by fitty cent. which was odd, considering each and every partygoer was a white boy with a baseball hat. i counted 3 girls, and i think they left. (stalk much?)

i had to walk an entire block with my bag from work, four gallons of water, a 12-pack of diet dr. pepper (diet cherry vanilla - worthy of a cindy lauper commercial), and other sundries in plastic bags from the store.

the whole time walking i kept thinking "those fucking kids".

those fucking kids? christ almighty. my sweet dick. when did i go from longing to party on a monday afternoon with alcohol and glue sticks to cursing my neighbors for doing so? am i just bitter because i can't get drunk on a weekday afternoon anymore? i want my mommy!

(by "mommy" i mean "bottle of something" and "life back")

and i could have called the cops for the myriad illegal parking going on that greatly inconvenienced and depressed me, but the thought made me feel even older.

those kids are lucky i didn't drop any of my groceries. i would have had to do some serious... fist shaking. i'd be perfect for lesbian porn.

altruism in character

this is what i get for watching stephanopoulos every sunday morning.

power brings out and tests a person's true character. it's when you know right from wrong, and you choose the former even though it's not beneficial for you personally, that you pass that test.

something that seems uniform in the republican party (republicans, not necessarily conservatives) is the will to first and foremost side with party lines on any issue (before and after knowing what the issue is).

this, to me, signifies some deep-seeded flaw of character. they're not stupid. they're not just liars. intrinsically there is something askew and bitter within their character - an emotional axe to grind, childhood trama, emotional abuse, whatever - that somehow shapes their intentions.

john mccain (arizona senator) was accused of fathering an illegitiamate black child (he adopted a bangladeshi girl), being gay, and cheating on his wife during the 2000 republican primaries against bush in south carolina. his wife was also accused of being a drug addict.

why would mccain campaign for the man who accused him of these things four years later?

why would senator bill frist (r)-texas, a medical doctor, go on national tv and claim not to know how aids is transmitted? why would he do that?

because they do what's best for their party and themselves regardless of anything else.

and i acknowledge that it's not just republicans. it's everyone inside politics and mostly everyone outside. but you have to look at it comparatively.

bill clinton lying about a blowjob and george bush lying about why we went to war are NOT the same thing. they're both dishonest, but do their lies have the same repercussions?

you can say that politicians' motivation is just money and power and sex, but who isn't motivated by money and power and sex? the only variable is whether you're willing to act in ways detrimental to others in order to attain them.

i am not george bush. i don't have his power. i can only control my own behavior and speech, and all i, or anyone, can do is act along a general concensus of morality, not necessarily what i believe is morality. not below the standard, at least.

but the president's means are exponentially greater than mine, and i think that it's evident he hasn't acted in totally selfless ways with his power; the word "abhorrent" comes to mind. the latest example:

he throws himself a $40 million inauguration party (billed to you and i) in his own honor during a time when:

• soldiers are ill-equipped and dying in his war
• veterans are living on the streets
• millions of americans have no health insurance
• southeast asia lays in waste (no, $350 million is not enough by far)
• mercury levels in fish are so high that 1 in 6 women will give birth to children with some sort of mental deficiency (which i guess is good for bush's party - they'll all grow up and vote republican)
• africa and aids (let me know if explanation is needed, or ask bono)

and he launches a $200 billion unnecessary war to "protect americans" while our own country's ports and borders are utterly unsecure. what really was that all about? oil? ego? re-election? a vendetta?

so these, to me, aren't signposts of a man whose character is deeply seeded in selflessness. granted, every president has misallocated large sums of money for an inauguration party - and i think they're all devoid of true altruism for it.

politicians don't get elected without partaking in some sort of nefariousness. but again, it's all about relativity, and bush is exceptionally and inhumanely low on the totem pole.

---

i don't post alot of song lyrics. maybe i should. my favorite poetry comes from song lyrics. anyway, these are from the song "so says i" by one of my favorite groups the shins. they seemed appropriate:

An address to the golden door
I was strumming on a stone again
pulling teeth from the pimps of gore when hatched
a tragic opera in my mind...
and it told of a new design
in which every soul is duty bound
to uphold all the statues of boredom therein lies
the fatal flaw of the red age

Because it was nothing like we'd ever dremt
our lust for life had gone away with the rent we hated
and because it made no money nobody saved no one's life.

So we burned all our uniforms
and let nature take its course again
and the big ones just eat all the little ones
that sent us back to the drawing board.

In our darkest hours
we have all asked for some
angel to come
sprinkle his dust all around
but all our crying voices they can't turn it around
and you've had some crazy conversations of your own.

We've got rules and maps and guns in our backs
but we still can't just behave ourselves
even if to save our own lives so, says I, WE ARE A BRUTAL KIND.

Cuz this is nothing like we'd ever dremt
tell Sir Thomas More we've got another failed attempt
cuz if it makes them money they might just give you life this time.

an evil dead remake!

it's true, sam raimi is talking about making a remake of the culturally phenomenal and flat-out fucking awesome evil dead. hollywood isn't satisfied with putting out garbage that fucks over the minds of the children of today - now they have to ruin what was formerly great? (george lucas i'm looking in your direction)

if you've ever seen the movie then you uderstand why its memory has to be preserved, and if you haven't seen it then you really need to.

below is taken from a website where you can sign a petition to protest the remake:

To: Ghost House and Senator Intl.

I have just heard of news of an Evil Dead remake. This to me is a disgrace and painful to hear, my childhood developed from that film. Before it the only horror me and my friends watched was mainstream but then it all changed, from the corner of a run-down video store we saw Evil Dead. We were 13 and it was important and wonderful to tell people about this great movie they'd never heard of. Please don't let Evil Dead be remade, tell the studios to fuck themselves, we want original horror, not re-hashes of our classics that we hold so dearly in our sick and twisted hearts. The line has been crossed too far. Evil Dead should not be remade with a "fresh hip cast". Leave classics alone and make Hollywood be original.

Sincerely,
The Undersigned

i'm going to leave a link to the petition on my sidebar. if you understand the importance of not ruining happy memories, please tell others to sign it.

supposedly sam raimi (original director) and bruce campbell (original main character) are both going to be involved. i think a collaborative effort between those two is great, but why can't they make a different horror film instead of resurrecting (ha) and remaking an old one? what's happened to originality in this country?

but do they julienne

what's the deal with the new jennifer garner movie? is she fighting people with steak knives? they have guns, and she has steak knives? seems... odd. unless they're those knives that can cut a soup can in half. those are super.

i've taken probably too much xanax and will be sleeping a deep sleep soon, and for a while. i have nothing to eat in my apartment so i had little recourse. i'll always opt for sleep over hunger. or sleep over anything.

so i'm going to go make love to my favorite recliner and watch my new dvd of garden state, which, if you haven't seen it, is just as super as knives that cut cans.

i ordered some other dvd's today (t'was a spend-happy day) including but not limited to: evil dead 2, a clockwork orange, dr. strangelove (yes, both kubrick films), and da ali g show season 1.

reminder: in protest of the bush inauguration festivities this week, make sure not to buy anything on thursday, january 20. economic boycott - it's a national thing, look it up. spread the word. fight the power. eat your vegetables.

orafice space day

really i wanted to be milton, in the worst way. and did you see how fucking funny that picture of lumbergh is? woot. office space day founded by bunny, as far as i know.


Pre-Hyptnotized Peter

---

off-office topic...

my blogger template is really plain. i don't have the advanced skills to add the happy graphics and backgrounds and bells and whistles. and jimmy crack corn. i don't regularly visit the blogs i visit because of the pictures and graphics, i do it for the content.

but how much does a blog's design affect it's enjoyability for the non-authors? i'm not talking about ease-of-use (even though i have written off some blogs because of it), just the oft-extemporaneous decorative stuff.

if it's a really big deal i'd consider doing something about my blogger-plain-and-tall. personally all i want from a blog is an easy-to-read font and at least a modecum of creativity put into what's written. substance over style.

god this post is boring. i should punch myself. again.

thick eight?

internets pornography is great. tony-the-tiger grrrrreat. it's a daily sacrament of mine to peruse the free clips, saving what i feel is pertinent to my hard drive. i don't think i'm alone; i could be wrong (no i couldn't - the porn industry is huge). everyone knows that everyone looks at porn at least semi-regularly, and i'm not special.

here's the rub (pun intended). i've heard (and believe) women (who) complain about airbrushed, waifish models in magazines and the unrealistic goals they set for female readers (and males too - how are we supposed to get dates with those types? fuck.). but how about the dudes in pornos with the mutant genitals? how do they make the average man feel by comparison? i refuse to believe that the median size of a penis is comparable to a police baton. call it denial, but i'm only trying to be realistic.

i am perfectly content with my own mr. monkey, and he is perfectly content with mr. lefthand. and while i will continue to enjoy erotic copulative acts (i call it "art") on the internets, i must constantly remember in the back of my mind that an almost inverse relationship exists between published media and reality.

this is not my way of saying i have a small penis. if my penis was small i'd be a republican with a big truck, lots of guns, and a belt buckle the size of a hubcap. i'd probably also be homophobic and gay.

i just want to see a more accurate depiction of life in media, even in an online triple-x throwdown.

goddamned pink!

this is a warning to the bloggers whose blogs i read (if you know who you are). if i read any vignettes about how wonderful of a valentine's day you and your other will have/have had, you are dead_to_me.

if you're in love, and happy and you know it, then that's great. bully for you. but what good does it do to proclaim it to the world except to make yourself feel better by making everyone else feel worse? which, consciously or otherwise, is all it does. it's bragging in its simplest form. the only kind of love i want to hear about is the kind that produces slappity-whappity noises.

i passed the v-day aisle at the store and am now giving serious thought to buying one of those giant teddy bears holding a red heart, ripping off the head and mounting it on a giant pole in front of my house as a warning to all those who may approach.

"ohhhh... wonder why you're single phizz?" no, i don't. the people who think me deranged for mounting a stuffed bear's head on a pig pole aren't the kind i'd like to hang around with anyway. call it a screening process.

and if you're that "in love" then why only celebrate it one day a year? don't you see that it's just a made-up holiday whose sole purpose is to guilt your boyfriend or girlfriend or nongirlfriend/boyfriend or inflatable girlfriend into buying unnecessary garbage? didn't we spend enough in december? am i wrong?

coincidentally i also saw an aisle full of mardi gras tchotchkes, after which i had to make a bee-line for the alcohol aisle. you'd think they'd put the two closer together.

boycott!!!!!

a blogger boycott of v-day - everyone pledge not to participate in the feb. 14 rituals, both by not writing about it nor buying anything v-day-related. no flowers or candy or stuffed animals or cards or even anything red or pink. if you have a bf/gf, then talk it over with them - they should understand. and if they don't then you should dump them, kill them, and bury them at sea.

spread the word!!!

i am raging against the commercialism and exploitation of love. fuck you hallmark! eat me russell stovers!

stage world

hey is a world where brad and jen aren't married a world we really want to live in?

at work i hate who i have to be. i talk and behave in a certain way that i really despise. i hear myself saying things like "how 'bout that" and other colloquialisms that are very uncharacteristic of me.

it's not being true to oneself, but if it means you have a job does that make it acceptable? the boss has a big deer head trophy in his office and isn't abashed at calling blacks "n-words", and i don't say anything contradictory because i like the job.

which furthers the importance of this whole big blog experiment - where i can be who i actually am and not fear reprisal. in the blog world i don't wear pants or shirts with buttons or put up with racist bull cookieness, and i can call republicans ball-lickers, because they are. and on the phone i don't have to act like joe whiteman with a wife and three kids and a dog named connor who prays before eating.

the plague

january has been such a vapid emotional wasteland. i'm not happy or sad, the weather isn't hot or cold or sunny or cloudy or rainy or dry, and sometimes i'm not sure if i'm awake or asleep. like now, for instance. i went out friday night, but i don't know if i had a good time or bad. i think i saw a mouse in my house the other day, and maybe i don't care. my apartment isn't dirty, but not exactly clean. today is sunday - the no-man's-land day of the week. and i don't know if i want to write or not. so blame january.

done with dems

as much as i want to i can't really be mad at john kerry. even though he conceded prematurely and skipped town when he should have been here (for the electoral vote count, he was in iraq) and ran a god-awful campaign and lost against a man who the majority of the country thinks is doing a bad job, i have to remember that he has dedicated his life to public service and risked his life in a time of war.

bud damn dude. can you roll over ANY more?

i'm done with the democratic party. all of this moving-to-the-right bullshit about trying to appeal to religiosos is fucking weak. move further to the left and get some fucking chutzpah.

people respect leadership and conviction, even when you're obviously wrong (george) and/or they disagree with you. trying to please everyone in this country means you please noone.

so i am an official independent. how sad is that - as much as i dislike republicans (and i REALLY dislike republicans. i can't use the word "hate" because i'm liberal and we don't hate anyone) i just cannot align myself with their opposing party.

it's completely metaphoric for the 2004 election; as much as people disliked bush they just couldn't bring themselves to vote for kerry.

anyway, that's that.

my new year's rockin' eve

i am happy that the holiday season is over. that period starting the day before thanksgiving and ending on january 2 is grueling. i'm sick of all things red and green, and frankly sick of reading and writing posts about the season.

that having been said, here's how my new year's eve went.

two friends and i get room at hotel acadiana, drink for a while, go downtown. sitting at a table in a bar chatting with three girls we didn't know (i still don't - me no remember. developing pictures). midnight - anonymous blonde girl who i'm talking to sticks tongue in my mouth. god bless sluts.

drink more, go back to hotel room circa 2:30, drink more, shmooze with some people who came back with us, sleep.

and now it's diet time. but i'm not going to "diet" so much as go on a "hunger strike" to protest holiday weight gain.

free alcohol = not... good...

new year's eve or not, if a bar is giving away free champagne it's never a great idea to drink myriad amounts of it. i should know better anyway - never my poison of choice. good times nonetheless.

i hate fireworks. except the kind i make daily in the shower. seriously, hangovers and loud noises are not complimentary. jackass neighbors. you were supposed to waste those things last night fucktards.

not-so-great expectations

obviously i'm getting drunk tonight. i'm going to try to get piss-drunk, which will be hard because i have a pretty high tolerance - i am not a "cheap drunk", sorry gals. i would love my first memory of the new year to be bending over a toilet in some shitty bathroom (perhaps the worst in scotland?) in a bar.

i'm setting my expectations for '05 very low. i was optimistic about '04 and it was... let's say, not good. the american way - if you set your standards low enough you'll always be pleasantly surprised.

personal goals for 2005:

• develop an immunity to glow stick juice to freak people out at parties
• get invited to a party
• get cats
• develop type 2 diabetes
• convince my boss to let me pierce my ears
• get married and divorced in wyoming
• have a restraining order filed against me by maggie gyllenhaal
• same, zooey deschanel
• see jerry seinfeld live (coming to lafayette in april)
• paint my apartment a dark color (illusion of space)
• actually have an enjoyable, incident-free mardi gras
• teach myself guitar, get band, get groupies, get sexed up
• drink more coffee
• eat out more often
• eat at restaurants more often
• visit new york city
• stop exercising so much, gain weight, develop heart problems
• publish a series of my own self-help books
• eat more cake
• avoid at all costs the next star wars movie
• cut back on all the blasphemy (sike!)

auld lang syne perverts.

phizz thoughts on 2004

sucked donkey balls for the world, was pretty good for me. trying to remember what my goals for the year were, i think just to get a job and a place in the city. and i did both of those, so rah rah. but, as is the nature of the beast, i am not content at all. but i'll address future goals tomorrow maybe.

when i think back to 2004 i'll remember foremost the election and how pissed off i was about politics. i've never been this involved or attentive, but i don't think it has ever been this outrageous and overtly scandalous in my lifetime.

it's really hard to say what you'll remember about a certain year right when it's ending. you need some time to gain perspective. the tsunami will definitely be remembered, but i don't think the magnitude and reality of the whole thing will sink in for a while.

how about the return of jesus? he certainly came back with a vengeance didn't he. and it turns out he hates gays and black voters and choice and change and human rights. we'll have to preface all future references to 2004 with "in the year of our lord..."

pop culture items i want to forget from this year:

• the creature known as paris hilton
• more mind-numbing television reality garbage
• lip-syncing pod people trying to pass themselves off as "artists"
• homo-erotic history-based blockbuster movies
• the rolling stone "greatest 500 songs" list - wrong on so many levels
• the brian wilson album
• anything related to television media and major "news" networks
• was the janet jackson boobie thing this year? i'm remembering that one.
• hearing oprah ask "what exactly does 'tossing a salad' mean"

and the war, my deity, the war. what can i say that hasn't already been said.

but hoo-rah for the blogosphere, a constant source of entertainment and therapy. thanks blog people - jesus loves you so deal with it.

a sea of troubles

i'm disturbed by the fact that we've promised $35 million in aid to the countries affected by the tsunami and are spending $40 million on bush's upcoming inauguration party. just how much beef are they serving? i'm making a prediction that he's going to wear some sort of headpiece. maybe a crown. maybe a crown of thorns.

the death toll is climbing higher, and it is totally tragic. it doesn't seem like anyone realizes that about the same number of civilian iraqis have died since we "saved" them from saddam (international red cross estimate). it's tantamount to our government actually causing a similar tsunami in the middle east. who wants to hear about that though.

(fake) things about me

this is lame. but i didn't do it normally - i lied. i'd be happy to give credit to someone's blog, but i've seen it about ten different times and wouldn't know who to list. just browse the blogroll. again, lied:

three names you go by:
1. no means no
2. fluffy
3. get out

three screen names you have:
1. phizz
2. deadgayson
3. loveitwhenyoucallmebigpoppa

three things you like about yourself:
1. self-deprecation hobby
2. conceitedness
3. ether addiction

three things you dislike about yourself:
1. oversized penis
2. out-dated wardrobe (skidz)
3. inability to love

three parts of your heritage:
1. french
2. mohican
3. hobbit

three things that scare you:
1. republicans
2. crustaceans
3. overstock.com lady

three of your everyday essentials:
1. sharp things
2. pine sol
3. porn (ography)

three things you are wearing right now:
1. a cowboy boot
2. batman mask
3. hospital i.d. bracelet

three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. sexual intercourse
2. duck meat
3. riding a dog

three things you want in a relationship:
1. big left boobie
2. vuhgina
3. don't talk so much

two truths and a lie:
1. evolution
2. i will die alone
3. creationism

three things you just can't do:
1. get my groove back
2. drink jagermeister
3. watch network television

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. macaroni pictures
2. anonymous and random drunk-dialing
3. giving vodka bottles filled with water to bums

three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. eat an entire wedding cake
2. fuck a bagel
3. let the dogs out

three careers you're considering:
1. sperm doner
2. elementary school teacher
3. methamphetamine dealer

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. magical mystery tour
2. spring break when i'm sixty
3. scarborough fair

three kids names:
1. fred
2. hashbrown
3. super mario

three things you want to do before you die:
1. date an asian girl
2. have a disease named after me
3. put my seed in someone's belly

christfest inventory

i'm at work right now and it sucks big fat santa dick. i want to be home eating m&m's or some other chocolate fare. cake! i want cake. i wish marie antoinette was my boss.

so, for x-mas. i got the seinfeld dvd's (will probably sell and get different dvd's), apartment stuffs - new shower head, back scrubber, better shower curtain (trying to tell me something mom and dad?). the biggie was a huge check from my parents - i guess they gave up on what to get me, despite me saying "guitar" over and over for months - and a check from my nan-nan. also got a gift card to devil wal-mart and a gift credit on half.com.

it would have been difficult/impossible to bring a guitar back with me on the plane anyway. easier to just buy one here, which i will do forthright.

everyone? good festivus?

good golly holly jolly

the eve prior to christmas day. i take actual pleasure in thinking about children around the world (or at least our blessed western hemisphere - not those godless heretics from the east, mid-east, and far east) trying desperately and futilely to go to sleep.

remember when you were little how magical the anticipation of christmas morning was? it's still magical now, but only because i smoked a jay in ine freezing cold and wind on my parent's deck after they went to bed ;o) smoke your marijuanica.

if i don't get a guitar tomorrow i will be mildly disappointed - i can't be utterly disappointed because that would make me a materialistic dickhole.

but, my goal in 2005 is to become a guitar aficionado and be in a band. how great would it be to have a cult following? what's better than that? nuthin'.

merry christmas shiny happy bloggy people. next year in jerusalem!

laura bush's cowboy cookie recipe

sinces i'm in texas, i will share with you all laura bush's recipe for cowboy cookies.

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 C. all-purpose flour
• 1 T. baking powder
• 1 T. baking soda (just scoop out from the box in the back of the fridge used to absorb odors - no one will know!)
• 3 tins Skoal Long Cut Mint chewing tobacco
• 1 T. artificial hickory smoke flavor
• 1 tsp. salt
• 1 1/2 C. animal lard (at room temperature)
• 1 1/2 C. Sweet'N Low sweetener
• 1 1/2 C. caramelized Equal® sweetener
• 3 eggs
• 1 T. vanillin extract
• 3 C. semisweet chocolate chips
• 2 C. sawdust
• 2 T spittle (no phlegm)

PREPARATION:

• Preheat oven to 350ºF.
• Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, chewing tobacco and salt in bowl.
• In 8-quart bowl, beat butter on medium speed until smooth and creamy, 1 minute.
• Gradually beat in artificial sweeteners; beat to combine, 2 minutes.
• Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each. Beat in artifical vanilla extract.
• Stir in flour mixture until just combined. Add chocolate chips and sawdust.
• NOTE: The batter may be a bit dry at this point. Drink some milk and spit into the bowl until the mix is moist, but not runny.
• For each cookie, drop 1/4 cup dough onto heavily greased baking sheets, spacing 3 inches apart.
• Bake for 17 to 29 minutes, until edges are lightly browned; rotate sheets halfway through.
• Remove cookies from rack to cool. Makes about 3 dozen cookies.

wake up white people!

who wants more evidence that retro is IN in america? evangelical and christian progress is hot hot hot! i am impassioned with the spirit of the lawd! the power of christ compels me!

in north carolina there's this pamphlet that is being used to teach history at a school (named the cary christian school) that says slavery was not such a bad thing.

full article here - great stuff

some excerpts from "Southern Slavery, As It Was":

"To say the least, it is strange that the thing the Bible condemns(slave-trading) brings very little opprobrium upon the North, yet that which the Bible allows (slave-ownership) has brought down all manner of condemnation upon the South." (Page 22)

"As we have already mentioned, the 'peculiar institution' of slavery was not perfect or sinless, but the reality was a far cry from the horrific descriptions given to us in modern histories." (Page 22)

"Slavery as it existed in the South was not an adversarial relationship with pervasive racial animosity. Because of its dominantly patriarchal character, it was a relationship based upon mutual affection and confidence." (Page 24)

"There has never been a multi-racial society which has existed with such mutual intimacy and harmony in the history of the world." (Page 24)

"Slave life was to them a life of plenty, of simple pleasures, of food, clothes, and good medical care." (Page 25)

"But many Southern blacks supported the South because of long established bonds of affection and trust that had been forged over generations with their white masters and friends." (Page 27)

"Nearly every slave in the South enjoyed a higher standard of living than the poor whites of the South and had a much easier existence." (Page 30)

so should we revisit the holocaust too? maybe poland wasn't so bad for jews in the 1940's? there was free lodging, diet plans, plenty of work, no worry about where your next paycheck was coming from, uniform health care...

damn the whiney liberals of this country that lambaste slavery as a dark period in human history! next thing you know they'll be bad-mouthing the spanish inquisition, rwandan genocide, cambodian ethnic cleansing ("year zero"), american mistreatment of prisoners and war crimes...

although that last one won't be realized until a decade or so from now...

come on y'all! wake up white people! christmas is under attack! muslims don't celebrate christmas? well they're being bad christians! values! values! nine-eleven! nine-eleven!

album of the jour: liars they were wrong so we drowned

a very weird (interesting) album, even for me. it may grow on me.

i've got corn

in the cab on the way to work this morning the driver was listening to a country music station. there was a tim mcgraw song on (i only know because the dj said it was tim mcgraw). the song was very bad.

do people listen to these songs and imagine their perfect, sunny lives on a farm? a cab driver doesn't exactly go home to his perfect wife and cows and amber waves right? this neo-cowboy mythos - which nowadays i think is just fantasy - really perplexes me.

how many people actually farm for a living these days? isn't it mostly big agriculture businesses now? and how the fuck does tim mcgraw, who i'm sure has never smelled cow plop in his life, get away with singing about and romanticizing life on the farm? doesn't he live in some sort of mansion?

i guess the same way our president can get away with wearing a flight suit on an aircraft carrier. "oxymoron" seems a layered term.

album of the jour: turin brakes ether song

favorite albums 2003

2003 favorites, posthumously. i'm done with my favorites of 2004, just waiting around to post.

it's tough doing this a year later. if you know of any that maybe should be on here that i've forgotten, by all means let me know. if it's worthy it will be inserted in the list. if it sucks it will be inserted in your anus. as always, i'll change the list if/when i want:

1. the new pornographers - electric version
2. idlewild - remote part
3. francine - 28 plastic blue versions of endings without you
4. pretty girls make graves - the new romance
5. the shins - chutes too narrow
6. super furry animals - phantom power
7. the rapture - echoes
8. the dandy warhols - welcome to the monkey house
9. goldfrapp - black cherry
10. pete yorn - day i forgot
11. the sounds - living in america
12. the stills - logic will break your heart
13. travis - 12 memories
14. sam roberts - we were born in a flame
15. cave in - antennae
16. medicine - the mechanical forces of love
17. the strokes - room on fire
18. rainer maria - long knives drawn
19. brassy - gettin' wise
20. the hong kong - rock the faces
21. loveless - gift to the world
22. the like young - art contest
23. black rebel motorcycle club - take them on, on your own
24. metric - old world underground, where are you now
25. radiohead - hail to the thief
26. chicklet - indian summer
27. johnny marr and the healers - boomslang
28. dressy bessy - dressy bessy
29. broken social scene - you forget it in people
30. yeah yeah yeahs - fever to tell
31. the caesars - 39 minutes of bliss
32. fonda - catching up to the future
33. raveonettes - chain gang of love
34. junior senior - d-d-don't stop the beat
35. the notwist - neon golden
36. singapore sling - the curse of singapore sling
37. burnside project - the networks, the circuits, the streams, the harmonies
38. throwing muses - throwing muses
39. cat power - you are free
40. elefant - sunlight makes me paranoid
41. lost in translation soundtrack
42. stars - heart
43. basement jaxx - kish kash
44. paloalto - heroes & villains
45. four tet - rounds
46. all girl summer fun band - 2
47. saturday looks good to me - all your summer songs
48. sense field - living outside
49. fat truckers - fat truckers
50. the postal service - give up

honorable meantion:

the damnwells - bastards of the beat; enon - hocus pocus; long winters - when i pretend to fall; the sea and cake - one bedroom; moloko - statues; m83 - dead cities, read seas & lost ghosts; the unicorns - who will cut our hair when we're gone; damnwells - bastards of the beat; pinback - offcell (ep); my favorite - happiest days of our lives; eisley - marvelous things (ep); fountains of wayne - welcome interstate managers; the fitness - call me for tomorrow; godstar - before & after coastal; chicks on speed - 99 cents; the fiery furnaces - gallowsbird's bark; kenna - new sacred cow; whirlaway - pompano; liz phair - liz phair; ladytron - softcore jukebox; stellastarr - stellastarr; jane's addiction - strays; the essex green - the long goodbye; holly golightly - truly she is no other

drunken brawl drawl

last night fun. did the usual start-drinking-at-five-until-tmie-to-go-out-at-midnight thing. took in a bar fight at a bar we usually don't go to. people fighting in bars make me laugh. got more drunk, came home after closing time, sat around drinking and watching movies until five or six in the a.m.

my downstairs neighbor was blasting country music at 3 in what i think was protest for my music and goings-on. she knows i don't like country, so i think she was just being childish and spiteful. just ask me to turn it down if it's too loud? right?

it's not as if your people aren't parking in my parking space all the time. even though i don't drive, it's the principle of the thing. when you assume you make an ass of u and etcetera.

so slept all day. just woke up a bit ago. around seven-ish. waiting for food to be delivered. it ain't rape if you know her.

blinded me with science!

this morning i had an eye checkup appointment. my pupils are dilated like kelly ripa's vagina. funny enough, they put me in a waiting room called "the dilating room" where you wait for the eyedrops to take effect. in the room are several stacks of magazines to read. if you've ever had your pupils dilated, you know that it's impossible to see anything closer than a foot from your face.

no thinking ahead on the magazines-in-the-dilating-room plan i guess.

so now i can't see shit. i can't edit this post, for a few hours anyway. so you get phizz - raw, and uncut. (what i'm jewish now?). speaking of which, the doctor i saw was from israel. very weird guy.

album of the jour: joanna newsom the milk-eyed mender

i don't really like this album. her voice scares the shit out of me. i'm making it my album of the day because it's good, and my fear of joanna newsom and her harp shouldn't stop others from giving it a listen.

random picture and fake bomb

everyone puts quizzes up on their blogs when they don't have anything to write, or are lazy, or whatever. i don't knock it - i have such days. instead of doing that though, i'm just going to post random pictures. maybe funny, maybe gross, maybe nekkid.

plus i think my blog has been a little too clean lately. we're amidst a culture war you know - we have to rage against the evangelical machine. so today, for the religiosos:



the best exercise for the soul is getting down on one's knees.

this is an interesting tidbit from the cnn.com tabloid:

NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- Baggage screeners at Newark Liberty nternational Airport spotted -- and then lost -- a fake bomb planted in luggage by a supervisor during a training exercise.

(continues...)

not sure what to say about that. i guess it's good that they decided to use a fake for the test instead of a real bomb?

when i flew to texas for xgiving i walked right past security with a styrofoam coffee cup of bourbon (i hate airports). i'm a big advocate of being able to have liquor on flights and all, but isn't it something of a fire hazard?

album of the jour: the unicorns who will cut our hair when we're gone?

x-mas gifts '04

inappropriate gift ideas for the family:

• for mom and dad - kama sutra: a tale of love (a love of tail?)
• for navy pilot brother - modern marvels: plane crashes dvd
• for 90-year-old grandma - sex pistols boxed set, condoms
• for republican uncle - soundtrack: queer eye for the straight guy, middle finger
• for church-goer aunt - the da vinci code, abortion gift card, condoms
• for diabetic little cousin - pixie stix; sit back, watch the fun

any other ideas? must be inappropriate and awkward.

shwag i'd like to get for x-mas but will probably only end up giving to others and/or buying myself later:

• strangers with candy seasons 1 and 2 (i own, season 1 better)
• elf - more for the family, but funny
• arrested development season 1
• half.com gift certificate (best media prices)
• escort service gift certificate(s)... that would be super.
• da ali g show season 1
• flavored condoms - great stocking stuffer (ha), try a flavor besides "nasty latex"
• magazine subscriptions - get someone a subscription of what you think they should be reading, not what they want to read
• tylenol p.m. maximum strength, lots of it
• air america radio thong

album of the jour: television personalities privilege

murph has a great post on his blog from yesterday. trackbackworthy.

normally i think quizzes are useless, but this one was fun and interesting. nods to kymmie.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

bizarro phizz

inspired by this - the scariest thing i've. ever. seen.

clay aiken is bizarro phizz. he is the complete opposite of everything i am and/or try to be. i don't wear pastels. i can't sing. if i could sing there would be no chance i would ever subject myself to the american idol trials. and didn't he only come in second? i pride myself on never having seen an episode.

other ways i am the opposite of clay aiken:

• i like sex with girls
• i don't wear sweaters
• my christmas special would never be on nbc
• i would have taken out reuben's kneecaps way before the finals ( jeff gillooly where are you?)
• i don't speak with a southern drawl
• i don't find cabbage patch kids sexually arousing
• i can grow facial hair
• my penis exists

album of the jour: chicklet indian summer

post written while drunk

i got home early saturday morning and apparently wrote this without publishing it. i barely remember writing it. it's embarrassing, but what the eff. i did some editing, but mostly spelling stuff:

if i suddenly had a biological urge to procreate, and thereby needed to find a vessel to facilitate this (how romantic), where do you meet people?

bars - if i talk to a girl at a bar it's because:

a) i'm drunk
b) i'm horny
c) i want to find true love
d) a and b, never c

it's ironic - in the environment where meeting people is easy (thank you seagram's) chances are you're not going to meet anyone you would want to be with for any extended period of time.

but aren't there girls who go out who have the same mentality? so that everyone accepts the fact that they'll never meet a quality person at a bar, and therefore noone is ever even looking?

so i should start looking? but my screening process isn't reliable when drinking. next thing i know i'm chewing off my own arm.

and no i cannot, nor do i know how anyone could, be in a bar and not drink. it's about the most annoying environment imaginable (strobe lights? smoke? noise? people?). how could you possibly stand it sans the influence.

god save the queens

if someone would only put this play on in branson i swear i would soil myself. this (short article) is from cnn.com. you can really find some of the best stuff on there - it's like reading the enquirer. just as credible in my book.

Call to prosecute over 'gay Jesus'

LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A group of Christian protesters in Scotland has called on police to prosecute a theater company for blasphemy because it is putting on a play about a gay Jesus.

"If there is a blasphemy like this, Christians have to stand up," said Stephen Green of Christian Voice who protested outside a theatre showing Terence McNally's controversial play "Corpus Christi" at St Andrews University.

"Jesus Christ is being portrayed here as a foul-mouthed, drunken, promiscuous homosexual and that is an insult to my faith," Green told BBC Radio. But the play's director, Zsuzsi Lyndsay, defended the production:

"He is not portrayed as a drunken foulmouth. He doesn't say one bad word throughout the play."

Christian Voice was not placated. It has formally lodged a complaint with police, arguing that the American playwright's work was blasphemous. No decision has been taken yet.

i love that the director's comeback to the accusation that jesus is a drunken, foul-mouthed, promiscuous homosexual is "he doesn't curse". hilarious.

think about the protests that happened at movie theaters when dogma came out (kevin smith). imagine the controversy that would happen in america if a play about a gay jesus was being put on somewhere.

i would buy popcorn and a ticket and just sit outside watching church marms try to save souls. i would do it.

album of the jour: the arcade fire funeral

phone rings...

me: -my company- this is -my name-
caller: -boss's name- please.
me: may i ask who's speaking?
caller: guidry.
me: i'm sorry?
caller: guidry.
me: okay... guidry... hang on one sec.

is that normal? who am i speaking with - guidry? is it that hard to give your full name?

fuck!

hey guidry, it's going to be alot more difficult to say your name when you're sucking my dick with no teeth isn't it? think about that you retarded, fatherfucking, louisiana-public-school-administrating braying jackass crap-nut.

allah i hate people.

yeah, back at work.

album of the jour: the go! team thunder, lightning, strike

@ home

today i remain home, sucking down tea and tylenol p.m. pretty much everything i buy over-the-counter is "p.m." me likey sleepy. the doctor yesterday gave me some anti-b's and a cortizone shot. i probably feel well enough to go to work. but nah. why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

i'm working on my "favorite albums of 2004" list. it ain't easy. i was trying to limit myself to 25 but it's looking more like 50. lotsa good new stuff. or maybe my criteria are too low.

psshh, as if. i'm phizz.

album of the jour: the essex green the long goodbye

down with the sickness

my head feels like a big bowl of steaming dog plop. everything seems to be happening in slow motion. my throat is killing me. i refuse to answer the phone, which really has very little to do with the illness. more to do with my aversion to customers and clients. life would be great without customers and clients.

i'm going to see a doctor this afternoon for antibiotics (drugs or bust). i don't like waiting rooms, but i like leaving work early. who cares. reh reh rah.

this is a pretty entertaining story. the crux: a cargo plane with the phrase "Eelect George W. Bush" on it crashed into a lake in florida. yes, they spelled "elect" with two e's intentionally. and the plane crashed. in florida.

metaphors... overwhelming... meager... brain...

i read my post from december 7 of last year, and 2003 phizz made 2004 phizz laugh.

album of the jour: the spinanes manos

christian cola

jesus h to the c. check out the forward i just got:

Don't buy Pepsi in the new can. Pepsi has a new "patriotic" can coming out with pictures of the Empire State Building, and the Pledge of Allegiance on them. However, Pepsi left out two little words on the pledge, "Under God." Pepsi said they didn't want to offend anyone. In that case, we don't want to offend anyone at the Pepsi Corporate Office, either. So, if we don't buy any Pepsi product, they will not be offended when they don't receive our money that has the words "In God We Trust" on it.

HOW FAST CAN YOU FORWARD THIS ONE?

i forwarded it very fast to my recycle bin. regardless of the fact that useless forwards are evil and only serve to label the sender a dumbfuck, i think i'm going to start buying pepsi. i don't drink soda, except diet rite, but i will now buy pepsi.

if "under god" were replaced by "under allah" or "under satan" or "under on-star" (my god), would anyone mind? maybe?

i like the idea of replacing "one nation, under god" with "one nation, under canada".

why not just come up with a soda called "jesus cola". the slogan would be "what would jesus drink?". it would taste heavenly, or immaculate. we could hire priests at the production facility to bless every can. vending machines in church!

the different varieties would come out. diet jesus, caffeine-free jesus, jesus with lemon, vanilla jesus... marketing would make us roll out "new jesus", which noone will like. we then revert back to "jesus classic".

and then we could make cocktails with it! imagine drinking a rum and jesus, or a crown and jesus. it would be super.

disclaimer: i am not making fun of jesus or god, whatever she/he/it is or may be. i only deride the insanely sensitive followers thereof who deem it necessary to try to change popular culture so that they never see signs of different beliefs because theirs are that fragile. they suck.

album of the jour: holly golightly serial girlfriend

have a good one

greek food last night was awesome. it always is.

i'm about to go take a shower and primp and tease myself in preparation for the "club scene" tonight.

don't we all need some glossy debauchery this weekend?

fight for it freaks!!!

the place i'm going to is not my favorite. it's got five bars in it really, all themed to "80's" music or "70's music" 0r "raver" bullshit or something. the clientele is a little younger than i would like, but whatever. legal is legal.

see you all in jail.

interpersonal neuroses and lesbians

on television over the xgiving holiday i saw an evanescence video on mtv2. amy lee (singer) is really a striking (super) lady. one that i would definitely go for given the opportunity. then i wonderd, is she gay?

when i look at a good-looking girl, on tv or in real life, there's a subconscious part of me that goes into panic mode. am i good enough? would she go for me? i should be careful what i say around her. make a good impression. don't be stupid. be cool. who's that guy? is he better than me? does she like him? dammit!

it's a matter of sexual tension. and i don't think i'm alone here; everyone's interpersonal behavior is altered, in some way and to some degree, by attraction and the possiblity of sex. it's the pressure to perform and impress.

consequently my relations with the opposite sex (of which there have been a scant few) have been jilted.

but this is why i love lesbians. take that pressure out of a raltioship and it's a glorious thing. you can be yourself, which you (or at least i) can't do consciously. there's no need to impress, no competition, no worry about whether they're attracted to you or not. it's good.

if i could be asexual i'd be a much happier person. and not morrisey-style asexual. discovery-channel asexual.

*off-topic postscript: it's been a very bad week for depravity, with the government allocating billions to fund abstinence eductaion while cutting world aids funding. in general it's been a huge wave or religious self-righteousness this week.

so i say everyone should go out and do some viceral, carnal sinning this weekend. be creative. sin! sin!

album of the jour: luna lunapark

x-mas duck and cover

argh, x-mas. it's coming. i feel like it's the onset of hurricane season and i live in haiti.

i'm doing all my shopping online. i refuse to bow down to the gods of commercial swarming and seasonal traffic. fuck you mall!

stop looking at me swan!

do made-for-tv x-mas movies (usually sponsored by hallmark) depress anyone else? what kind of person is entertained by watching danny bonaduce and kirk cameron try to convince hallie eisenberg that there is, in fact, a santa claus? i could do without tim allen making another christmas movie as well.

and the salvation army makes me nervous. when i walk into a store with the red bucket by the entrance, manned by someone ringing that bell, i feel like atreyu walking past those two giant statues hoping he doesn't get shot by eye lasers. please don't ask me for money, i'm too weak to say no. i don't trust you to give everything you get to those who really need it.

album of the jour: the delgados universal audio

abstinence isn't doing shit

happy world aids day everyone! let's all go out and have unprotected sex! share needles! hire denzel washington as your lawyer!

i heard on the radio that teaching safe sex in schools has been proven to be effective in countering instances of std's, pregnancy, abortion, etc., and teaching abstinence has been proven ineffective. guess which one our administration supports.

and why doesn't it work?

because kids wanna fuck.

because when dad doesn't have a job, and we don't have a tv or air conditioning or anything remotely constructive to do, and our school closed from lack of funding, what else is there?

tammy: "why don't you take that and put it there?"
timmy: "uhhhhh... okay."

*poof * tammy gets pregnant with an aids-infected baby. abortion time! because we can't afford to have a kid.

what kind of uber-denial bubble do religiosos who preach abstinance live in? they're against abortion, but they're also against the one method that works best in preventing it? they idolize (biblical inference intended) and vote for the guy who makes it harder not to have an abortion?

i bet bush likes aids. i bet he thinks it's god's way of punishing gays and people who have pre-marital relations.

noone needs aids medicine right? what we really need are prayers and the holy spirit within us to defend our red blood cells!

basically, just be pious and cold all the time.

album of the jour: tegan and sara so jealous